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Jeff's Mom

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About Jeff's Mom

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Loss Type
    Adult Son
  • Angel Date
    December 12, 2009

Recent Profile Visitors

11,388 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    I believe that it was around the third year that the full impact of Jeff's death finally hit hard. The reality that he was gone and not coming back hit full force. Every special occasion was a nightmare as I tried to work my way through feeling his absence. I, too, feel that I need to take a step away as I can honestly say that I am now at peace with my son's death. I have learned that happiness can indeed find its way back into your life...a new but different kind of happiness that has grown since his death. What I have also learned is that there are no short cuts. You have to work at it really hard. At the end of the day when you log off you are left facing this loss on your own to deal with. The newer ones need to step forward and give back as the older ones have so kindly given. Showing that we are moving on in a positive way is not a sign of disrespect... but a healthy sign. Unfortunately as many are at different stages we can be misunderstood and tempers flare up. I don't want to deal with it any longer. I am tired. I have my own family to look after. My Jeff is DEAD and he is not coming back. He will always be with me in my heart. Every occasion he will celebrate with us... and I know he is at peace and I will see him again. Thanksgiving can also represent the wonderful gift that we had been given the joy for even just a short time of a very special child to parent. They were not ours to begin with. God has taken them back to Him. I am grateful to everyone that was there to help me over such a difficult time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I sincerely wish you peace again one day. Kate
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, I agree with Dee. You could also buy a small box of very tiny white lights that do not weigh much. They are primarily used for wrapping around wreaths, etc. Using small tacks and gently draping them through the branches should do the trick. Dianne, do you have any special plans to honor Michael on his special day? We keep it very low keyed and quietly recognize the day. We usually walk into the bench and take some flowers. This year as it happens we will be working in the afternoon distributing toys for an organization in our area. Hopefully we will be able to place the flowers at the bench in the morning. Jean, I hope that this first holiday without your child will be filled with much love as you come to together with your family. Good for you for taking on the dinner. I will be thinking of you. Susan, I imagine you are up to your yin yang in preparation if I know you. Have a truly wonderful day with your family. Lesley, how is the garden coming along? I hope to be able to check it out in the next week or so.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, I am sorry to hear about your friend's son. How heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing the pic of your tree. You have quite an artistic flair. What type of branches do you use? The studio where I went for yoga was above an artist's studio. She made willow furniture. The aroma was wonderful as we went through our routine. It wafted up the stairs. The scent was so fresh and relaxing. Gretchen and you should get together to compare notes.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    I am not sure about everyone else... but I always find my nerves are frayed as Jeff's Angel date approaches. I find that I am super sensitive and the slightest thing said I can easily misinterpret. Lesley, I understood exactly what you intended. We all know that you would not deliberately offend anyone. I also know that Dianne perhaps quickly read the post and as her angel date is fast approaching she only saw the part about the day. That is the trouble with messages on a computer. As we are not face to face we can not exactly explain our thoughts. I loved hearing about how supportive and close your children are. That is so nice to see in this day and age. Clearly you have done a wonderful job in raising them. Your idea of making a cactus garden is just the ticket. I was wondering what to take to our family doctor's office. His secretary does not have the time to water plants and I wanted to give her something along with some candy. I love that idea. I had a wonderful dream last night of Jeff. It has stayed with me all day and has helped to comfort me as the holidays approach. It is a true winter wonderland this afternoon. Dee, you would be in your glory! Large white flakes are softly falling creating a true winter wonderland. It really sets the scene for a magical holiday season. Anyway, I am sending love to ALL and hoping your day is a peaceful one. Kate
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Jean, I agree with the others. It is early days for you. I hope that today you were able to gather strength from the love of being surrounded by your family. I do know that the triggers will kick in for some time yet. Hold on with both hands! Dianne, the count down to the day is always held with trepidation...I hope that after it is met that you will begin to find some peace again. I feel much as you do. The 12th of December is fast approaching and it always sends me into a downward spiral. I have to wirk very hard to stay on top of things. I know it is not easy. Georgina, thanks for sharing your photos. How lovely everything looked at your Gathering. I am so pleased that you felt relaxed and able to share with others walking this most difficult path. Colleen, how nice to see a picture of your family enjoying a happy event. I realize that in your heart of hearts Brian will always be carried to every occasion and held close. Their absence is always so difficult at family gatherings for the parents. That dull ache of which I spoke previously will always kick in. But isn't it lovely to see how life continues on despite everything and the young ones are having a good time celebrating their special dates. We headed into the city yesterday and managed to get some Christmas shopping accomplished. Today they held the Santa Parade in Winnipeg and it turned out to be a really good day for it. We are holding our own and putting one foot in front of the other. I will admit to choking up a few times when I heard certain Christmas songs on the radio. So, off it went in a hurry. Can't be helped. Dee, glad that your meds are kicking in and you are seeing an improvement. These new meds can work wonders when you really need them. A relaxing day with a good book sounds like just the ticket. Becky, how is our friend Maurice doing these day? Laurie, Leah, LouAnn, Lesley, Sandy...thinking of all of you and hoping that your weekend will be a decent one. Kate p.s. TBear...I love your dog. He looks like a real charmer. Bet he loves the water. He must be a great companion to both you and your wife.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, I also feel so saddened to hear of your friends loss. I can not begin to imagine how hard it is for you as you had such a strong connection over the years with a strong bond and many memories associated along with your Tommy. Sending prayers for strength to continue along the difficult days ahead as his family tries to come to grips with his loss. Sandy, as always...thinking of you.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sherry, thinking of you today as you remember your darling baby girl.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Somersky, would it be helpful if you took Skylars medical records to a Doctor that could go over it with you and explain and answer your questions? We waited for what seemed an eternity to get the autopsy report. Our family Doctor called us in to review it with us. I do believe that I could not have handled it at that point if I had to see it full on. Unfortunately at the end he sadly added his own personal opinion. That has stayed with me each and every day for the past almost eight years. He looked at us and told us that there was no medical reason that our son had to die. We were and still are crushed. We can read books about grief, attend meetings, etc. At the end of the day it is about putting one foot in front of the other and finding a way to carry on despite their absence. Finally facing that they are gone is the most painful thing we will have to face. Once that happens we then begin the very difficult job of rebuilding our lives. It is a long and slow process and we will be forever changed because of what has happened. But take heart that slowly the initial raw grief will lift and the searing pain will be replaced by a dull ache. One that somehow you learn to carry. And life continues.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Ted, I have always loved the name Olivia. How precious can she be? I love the pictures that you shared. Who is the dog? Your Granddaughter's? I really hope that you are able to spend a lot of time with your kids. I'm sorry that your wife is still struggling so. I know that tomorrow is a special...oh so special day in your heart. We are holding you close. Dee, thanks...typical... I knew I had heard it somewhere. I loved hearing about the skating lesson. Sounds as if you may have a future Olympian in your family. So glad to hear you took a day to self care. Hope it made a significant difference. Off to watch The Voice. Love to ALL, Kate
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hey TBear...Ross and I were just talking the other day about some of the Dad's from the past few years. I have thought of you and how you worked so hard to restore your sons motorcycle. It was pretty awesome when you were done. How is your wife doing? I know she was so ill and you had so much on your plate to deal with along with losing Nick. Too much for anyone to have to handle to be honest. How are you? I will be thinking of you this week and sending prayers for support as you approach another angel date. Your granddaughter is just adorable. Those wide big eyes would melt a heart for sure. How old is she now? Somersky, such a difficult time you are going through. I liked seeing your pictures of Paris. We had several visits over the years, but my most precious was the time we took the boys. We stayed in the Madeleine district not far from The Louvre. Montmarte was always a favourite place of ours to tour. I hope that your prayers will be answered. I pray that you will find the peace you so need. I'm glad you stood up to that Doctor. Like all professions there are those that are good and some that need to find another path in life. Tina, how are you doing this weekend? Jean, when you feel ready please tell us about your child. I wanted to add something about the genetic issue. My own husband was diagnosed with the same colon cancer very shortly after his Mom died of it. They sent the tests to the labs in British Colombia and we were notified that he definitely did get this from his Mom. Here is the good news...it was strongly advised that our other son go for a colonoscopy and followups on regular visits. As he was too young to show any signs of a problem he did not even think it necessary. Well after reviewing the oncologists findings his own Doctor realized how vital it was to have that test done. They found a very large polyp that would most definitely have turned cancerous in time. Because of that finding he now goes regularly to have them stay on top and by doing so it prevents anything nasty from developing. And so there are positives to knowing that you have or may carry this gene and it can most definitely help to save your life as you are given a chance to stay on top of it. Dee, we need updates on the little ones skating progress. How did it go yesterday? Hope you are feeling a tad better today. Sandy, thinking of you. How is your friend's daughter doing? Laurie, how are things in your neck of the woods? I know you have much on your plate to deal with. Sherry, we have an very irritating pilliated woodpecker that has once again resurfaced to have a go at one of our trees. If I get my hands on that little perisher I'll murderize him. Is murderize a word? Ha. We walked along the trail to the bench yesterday and placed some Christmas greenery by Jeff's bench. We were followed along the path by a flock of the cutest chickadees. How lovely. Love to All, Kate
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    When you go home Tell them of Us and Say For your tomorrow We gave our today I feel it is so important that we recognize not just today but every day that our service people put their lives at risk in order for us to enjoy our freedom and way of life. We need to push our governments for better mental health care and facilities for those returning suffering from PTSD. Those who carry the wounds of their battle that can not be seen outwardly. They don't just go away because they have returned home. They have witnessed and experienced events that are both horrific and so traumatic that they will live with this horror for the rest of their lives. These are OUR FAMILY. They are our brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, etc. It is a life long struggle that never goes away. We are seeing the increase in suicides due to those that have been thrown under the bus so to speak. There is an epidemic of homeless veterans that do not have proper health care or shelter. How can this be? We need to treat them as the respected heroes they are and see that their best interest is being met in all areas. Today, while we shop the malls preparing for the upcoming holidays we must remember that it is a privilege and not an entitlement. At what cost to someone else? Is this how we treat family?
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    LEST WE FORGET Today we pay tribute to those past and present Who served our country with courage and compassion. Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream By Ed McCurdy Last night I had the strangest dream I've ever dreamed before I dreamed I saw a mighty room filled with men and women And the paper they were signing said they would never fight again And when the paper was all signed and a million copies made They all joined hands and bowed their heads and grateful prayers were prayed And the people in the streets below were dancing round and round While swords and guns and uniforms were scattered on the ground Last night I had the strangest dream I'd ever dreamed before I dreamed the world had all agree to put an end to war. McCurdy, was a folk singer and wrote this poem in 1949.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Jean, I echo everything that Dianne and Dee stated so well in their posts. I, too, am so very sorry for your loss. We can honestly say that you will know in your heart that nobody means it more than we do! Please share your son with us when you are ready. Tina, hold on. Dee is so right. The layers of grief are lifting and it is important for you to know that we are here to help you through this most difficult period. Georgina, how did the Compassionate Friends retreat go? How is your recovery coming along? Gretchen, if you are reading...I have been thinking of you. Leah, same thing on this end. Let us know if there are any changes. Hold on with both hands.
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee and Dianne, how are the patients today? It is good that the weekend is upon us and you can take the opportunity to get some much needed rest. We have broken a record this past few days for the lowest night time temps. Last year we broke a record for the highest for this time of the year! Go figure. We had about four inches of snow last Saturday and it looks as if it is going to stay. Lesley, I do know about gingers. I am also a red headed person. My family and my husband's family have red haired colouring along with the pale skin and freckles. In the Orient a red haired person is considered blessed by the Gods. When Ross and Jamie were in Thailand and Hong Kong years ago older people that passed James touched him on the head for good luck. Did you also know that we feel pain more acutely? That we require a larger dose of anesthetic for surgeries? It has been proven in research. Susan, what a great looking young man and how nice that he has become so close to your family. I hope that you had a wonderful visit with him and a really great birthday! I spent a good deal of time yesterday afternoon baking my shortbread and trying to get some baking organized for my kids out west. Today I bake my cake and it has been soaking in brandy and rum for the week. Young people today for the most part do not like fruit cake. Jeff told me I could use it for a foot stool for all he cared. I have an old recipe from Scotland that my MIL gave to me and it has never failed me to date. Thinking of everyone and hoping your day is a peaceful one. Stay healthy and warm. Kate
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan, is this your birthday today? Many happy returns. How could we have known at the time that our child handed us those cards that they would be one of the only tangible things left that we could actually hold in our hand. Our memories are precious of each and every special occasion. John David clearly loved you very much. Dee, how goes the cold? Were you able to catch that nap after school today? How are the others in your class getting along? Self care this evening and take it easy. Lesley, you must be so proud of your Tommy. What a good looking young man he was. Do your other children resemble him at all?