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Jeff's Mom

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About Jeff's Mom

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Canada
  • Loss Type
    Adult Son
  • Angel Date
    December 12, 2009

Recent Profile Visitors

11,190 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, your post hit the nail on the head. Perfectly worded. It took me ages to be able to reach this point. With the help of some dear people on this site and determination I am now at the point of living again. I won't sugar coat it. It take so much effort. There are many ups and downs and some days it is extremely overwhelming. Slowly the raw pain and hurt starts to lift. We learn to rebuild and reshape our lives around our loss. I see that the Emmy awards are on this evening. Handmaids Tail, by Margaret Atwood has become a real hit in Britain I see. BBC and CBC have made another TV series called Alias Grace which is another Atwood novel. A great story. I read it years ago and felt it would make a good movie. The Crown appears to be in the lead for awards. I really enjoyed that series. I bet your daughter is enjoying her new car. How is the job going? It's nice to have her with you for now isn't it? Dianne, I agree if I owned a farm every last animal would be named! Probably a sheep or alpaca farm for the wool or something like that. Georgina, how are things? LouAnn, when I was eleven years of age my best friend was diagnosed with an inoperable heart ailment. Most likely today with the advances in heart research she would be alive had it happened in this day and age. We are talking many years ago. The days that kids played outside and did not have all of the technical toys to pass time with. We spent the summers at our cottage and my friend had the cottage directly across from ours. Together with another girl we set up a wooden wagon that we fitted up with cushions and pillows and we pulled her everywhere we went on that wagon. We were not allowed to go too far, but we sure did have fun and found a lot of fascinating things to do and talk about. Sort of like the movie Stand By Me. I watched as her health deteriorated over those weeks. It seemed impossible that God would allow anyone so young to die. My own grandmother had passed away that year and it followed logic as she was in her eighties. That makes sense to a girl of eleven. But this...was unfathomable. She passed away on December 5th of that year and we were in shock. Her mother fell into a deep depression. They also had three other older girls at home. She could not focus on anything other than Michele's death. Sadly, after a period of time she took her life. I saw how those three girls suffered. It was just horrible. I do not blame her mom... as she was in such deep despair. But what I do wonder now is why the heck did she not reach out for help? It was there. There was a stigma to depression. Her pride took precedence over her children. Michele was dead and her other girls were very much alive and needing their mom. Grief takes a huge amount of work. Just coping at the beginning is a huge effort. But today there are more resources out there that did not exist in those days. Qualified people that are trained to help ease some of this pain we are shouldering. Your kids need you as does your husband. You deserve a life... indeed a day... without worrying about Kira. She is gone and you can not bring her back by constantly thinking about her. Moving forward with your life does not mean you are leaving her behind and her memory will be forgotten. We all know we will never forget them. We carry them in our hearts in a very special place. There will always be the triggers over the years that cause that ache...special occasions, etc. But we will find that the memories that are too painful at the beginning will bring us comfort as time passes. Let your daughter's light shine by honouring her memory in living as fully and happily as you can. I can tell you for certain that she would want that for you. Your boys and husband need that for you. One day at a time.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Ross and I spoke at length today about his outlook on life and why he has not allowed himself to sink into depression. Five years ago we sat across from the oncologist while he outlined his form of chemo treatment. He looked at him firmly and told him that if it returned that he would not be able to help him apart from treat the symptoms. You see it has spread to his lymph nodes. He chose to face it with determination and the desire to give himself as much time as possible. Today while reading our local obits I read this narrative that was written by a very handsome middle aged man that has passed away. It is related to what Ross and I just spoke about today. "Life is about time. When we're young, we live in the moment and time seems to stretch endlessly before us. Then, at some point, we recognize that the time we've let pass is irretrievable. Suddenly, as the world continues to speed up...as we find there are more and more and still more demands on our time....the most precious thing in our lives becomes our "freedom time", the time we have just for ourselves and those closest to us. These are the greatest moments in our lives. The great memories you can look forward to and depend upon...time after time." So, you see...if you honestly asked yourself...if this was my last week or day here on earth is this how I would spend it? Heck no! Not in sadness or bitterness. Yes, there is much pain and terrible things are always happening it seems these days. But look at the beauty that still exists around it. The simple and lovely gestures of caring people in our daily lives. Small things that make a huge difference. Take the time to smell the roses. Give that friend a hug. Appreciate nature and all of God's wonders. It's free. I shared that experience because it is very special to us. I am not some lunatic woman that desperately seeks signs at every turn. It happened after my sons and MIL's death to give us hope and support to face yet another grueling setback. God did not promise to take this away, but he did give me hope and support to face it. I can not tell you how often I drew on that experience over that period. The one fact that has helped me to continue when my heartache for Jeff's loss is strong... is to hold on to the fact that I will most definitely see him again. It will happen ...in time. I know that for a fact.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you everyone for sharing your stories about your signs. It is so comforting to know that others share in these beautiful gifts given to give us courage to continue. Thank you to all for thinking about us this past week. We are still waiting for the biopsy results. As always he is keeping busy and positive as to the outcome. Always the optimist. I have many signs that I have shared over the past several years, but this has to be my favourite and most precious. It was a fall day that reflected my mood. Grey and gloomy. The skies were heavy and threatened rain at any moment. I had decided to have lunch with a friend from our church whose Mom had also recently passed away. When she arrived she asked me where I would like to go. We live in a rural area... but have several small towns that have lovely tea houses for lunch. We had all the time in the world and I suggested a lovely spot that is a heritage home located in a small spot approximately a forty minute drive away. It started to rain cats and dogs as we walked to the car. When we arrived my friend dropped me at the front of the building while she parked her car. I ran in and asked for a table. The place was packed...but they still had their summer addition functional and we were seated at a table at the back corner of the room. We settled in for a nice visit and were approximately half way through our meal when two women entered the room with a young boy. They were seated not far away. After some time I started to notice one of the women watching me with interest. I started to feel uneasy. The other woman got up and took the little boy from the room by his hand. This woman started to walk towards us. She hesitated for a second and then continued towards us. She mentioned that she had a message. That she was not supposed to do this...whatever that means. Then my friend jumped in that her mom had recently died... the woman just shook her head and stared directly at me. She asked me if I had had a young man die recently? Well, I started to shake. My knees went weak and thank heaven I was seated or I would have fallen over for sure. She told me that he was insistent that she give me this message. He was standing right there beside me. My friend reached down and held my hand firmly and asked if I was OK. I knew in an instant that it was my boy. He kept his promise that if something ever happened to him that if he was able he would let me know he was alright. The entire room fell silent. There was a table of ladies not far away and they heard every word. One of them appeared to be frightened. The waitress was standing in a small area just beside our table. When she came over I asked her if she had ever seen them before. She told me she had never set eyes on them in her life. Now they were not people that drew attention. In fact they were very ordinary in their appearance. But for one thing...this young woman had the most beautiful smile and her eyes were something you could lose yourself in. Time stood still when she spoke. This is no way could have been previously set up or planned. This spot did not read tea leaves or any of that stuff. This was just pure and simple...a devine message given to offer support and help to get through the next period of hardship. Two months later my husband was diagnosed with end stage three colon cancer and faced major surgery and chemo. I am convinced that Jeff was allowed to let us know he was right there along the way of our journey to support us. God does work in wonderous ways.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sandy, I am so sorry to hear that poor Rachael is having so many struggles with her health over these past couple of years. What a relief for everyone that it was not a stroke, but still very worrisome nevertheless. You must have been beside yourself with concern. I am also keeping your brother in my prayers for a peaceful passing. I, too, hate cancer as you could well imagine. It has invaded our family in a big way and I have seen many deaths due to it. I have also seen the positive progress that research has made over these past few years if it is caught early. Why is lung cancer so difficult to diagnose at times? My good friend and neighbour died a year and a half ago from it... and try as she may could not convince them she was ill until they performed an exploratory. She was coughing like a mad fool and they kept giving her antibiotics. She was a doctor's dream in that she always did everything she was advised to do over her lifetime. Did not smoke, etc.. Yet, it was her time... and it spread like wildfire. It was only a matter of months... as it had spread to her bone and brain. They kept her very comfortable and she slipped away peacefully. I hope you are taking good care of yourself these days. I know how much you have on your plate to deal with. Make sure you do not get run down. Sending hugs. Kate
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, there is something about the changing of the seasons that reminds us of how our lives are passing. Hang in there. I hope that tomorrow you will be able to gather and celebrate Jon's birthday with the kids. Laurie, I remember your visit to Holy Hill last year. It is a yearly visit for you and your mom and sister... if I recall correctly? We did indeed break all records with our temps the other day. Today is a very different story however. Cloudy and they are calling for much needed rain for the next few days. The leaves are just beautiful. I waken each morning to the sound of hunters duck hunting. Their shot gun blasts are pretty noisy. Hope they miss! I am thinking of everyone both old and new. Kate
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, may your day be filled with peace and love as you recall all of those special memories that you hold close to your heart of your special JAMES.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, they are simply adorable! I know how much my little ones bring joy into my life. They always manage to make me smile. Those grandies of yours are precious. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. You know we are here for you. Hold on with both hands. Dee, this rather new form of immunotherapy is finding great results in the treatment of some cancers. Due to his allergic reaction a few years back from his folfox drugs from colon cancer they were careful as to how to treat this form of cancer for his eye. Very worried about the weather conditions. We are supposedly going to reach temps of + 34 C on Tuesday. What the heck is that? Ninety-four F. We are experiencing a drought like condition with no rain for ions. Where have the birds gone? I know they gather for migration, but they almost disappeared after the eclipse. The changes are happening far too fast. I am almost ashamed to admit we had a heavenly day. Literally. The weather was perfect with a warm and blissful breeze off of the lake. I packed an old-fashioned picnic. We found a terrific spot to just sit and enjoy the scenery. Today we lived in the moment. And what a moment it was! Perfect. Sending love to all, Kate
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hey, LouAnn, did your hubby watch the Banjo Bowl? McSweet! I'm loving it. Georgina, we are all here for you... and especially our thoughts will be with you on Monday. His Momma will never forget. What else matters? So much on your plate to deal with. It always comes in waves. I'm sorry about your mom. I hope all goes well and they can keep her comfortable. Great news about your daughter. I bet she is really happy with her new job and car. How is that grandbaby of yours doing? Keep us posted as we all are concerned and hoping things improve. Tina, what time do you start tomorrow. How far is the walk? We need a report when it is done, ok? Love to All, Kate
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, I am so sorry to hear that your niece is in the path of the hurricane. I can not begin to imagine how worried everyone is. My prayers sent for a safe way through it. Tina, good luck tomorrow with the suicide walk. Let us know how it goes. We are all cheering you on! Margo, I would love to be able to feel that clay beneath my hands. I was a play doh fiend with my own kids when they were growing up. I imagine it feels wonderful to see the end result and be able to just sit and create. Sherry, yes our faith is often what keeps us going. One foot in front of the other and the knowledge we will see our child again. LouAnn, thanks...Ross is recovering nicely. Now we wait to start the interferon. Wow, is that stuff ever expensive for an eye drop. $2,800 Canadian for four months! Still, if it keeps the beast at bay then it is well worth it. There appears to be a sort of quietness that has settled in our area. People going about their chores yet strangely quiet. Everyone is overwhelmed with concern and sadness at all of the news reports on the hurricane destruction. Our hearts reach out and wish we could only be there to help out. The Red Cross has become actively involved and we have donated, but I am still a push my sleeves up type of person. I wish I could be there as Susan to actually do something more. Stay safe everyone. Kate
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Oh my, what the heck is happening to this planet? Fires in California and British Columbia unlike any other ever seen.. Snowstorm in Australia. Hurricanes unlike anything in our lifetime. Earthquake in Mexico. This is definitely global warming. Prayers to everyone in the path of these storms. If only we could wipe them out. I can only advise anyone that is struggling with past issues regarding their youth to seek proper medical guidance. There is never going to be an easy way to get past it. The road is a rough one. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It just depends on how much you want it. Hard work often pays off. Sending wishes to all for a sense of peace restored in your lives soon. Kate
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thanks Lesley, I am fine. My leg had been bothering me during the night and so I find I am up many times. I usually check my messages. I have become far too personally involved and concerned and have decided to back off a bit. Hope all is well your way. Ross starts his new meds this next week and I will be very busy. Hope all goes well. Kate
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, hold on with both hands. As you can see everyone here is standing by you. Good for you in supporting such a worthwhile cause. I'll be cheering you on. Georgina, how are things holding up your way? Leah, it was so good to see your post. Albeit I am so sorry to hear about all of your health issues. Please stay in touch and let us know how things are going.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

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  14. Loss of an Adult Child

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  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kym, I am really sorry that you had to hear about Scott's death in this manner. It must have been horrible to find out that way. I think that the reason that you are now feeling worse is that the shock has now worn off and reality has settled in. As Susan (Mermaids Tears) as often stated we wear a shock suit that the mind creates to protect us. After a period of time and things start to settle the suit slowly falls off. That is when it really hits with an impact. I wish I could tell you that I had the magic answer as to how to make it all go away. We all have wished that it was an awful nightmare and we could wake up to a new day. I will tell you this however...it will not always be this painful. In time it will soften and the ache will become more tolerable. You will begin to structure your life again to find happiness and joy. It just takes a ton of work and patience. As a Mom you are the caregiver and as such you feel responsible for the grieving of your family. But right now you just want to find a quiet place to lick your wounds and heal. It is essential that you make time for yourself and make sure you are eating and resting properly. Accept all support offered even if you do not want it. Everything helps when we are not thinking clearly. I am glad that you have found us. Keep posting and remember that Scott will never be left behind or forgotten just because you have moved forward. That has been a huge issue with some on the site. He will always be with you in spirit. Sending warm wishes for a better day today. Kate
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