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About Susie_q512

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Canton, Ga
  • Interests
    Reading, Spiritual Growth and Healing, Animals, Being a Mom
  • Loss Type
    Sudden death of 16 yr old daughter
  • Angel Date
    September 20, 2011


  • Occupation
    She was a student - HS Junior
  • Interests
    Music, animals, making people happy
  • Last Name
  • First Name
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  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hi guys! It's been so very long since I last signed in and participated, but have never forgotten the kindness shown to me here in the first year of this journey. Life completely collapsed. I'm approaching four yrs, and I guess I had imagined that I'd be on solid ground by now, but way too many major life changes and subsequent losses.....the struggle has been real, but I'm still here....still got that pulse I always complained about following Shannon's passing.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you all for the words of encouragement, I had been doing so well in many respects, but I'm bi-polar and I'm thinking that had much to do with my decline. I don't even remember making a decision to leave this world, or gathering the items needed to do it. It just "happened". I was found at the cemetery, and ended up in ICU and then a psychiatric facility. I'm now medicated and receiving grief counseling. My husband and I have been separated for more than a year now, and I'm pursuing divorce, but he's being very mean and difficult. I had an apartment and was working full time, but all that was lost when I attempted to make my exist......I had also not eaten or slept for a week prior to that attempt, so I'm thinking that played a role in what happened to me as well. Anyway, I am a fighter, and I'm back up and swinging again. My other daughter, Ragan, is doing well. I'm hopeful that we can rebuild our relationship......I feel as though I lost both my girls when Shannon left us, and Rae feels she lost her baby sister and her mom. As much as we love each other, it seems that we've both been lost and trying to find our way independently of each other....such is grief and this journey. I'm aware that I need support on many levels, so I'm hoping to stay active in this group . No where else can I find such compassion, understanding and acceptance.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hi Everyone, It's been so long since I've logged on here.....seems to be very rare that I do. Just been "Lost in the Loss" I suppose. It's been a difficult struggle for me....this grief....this new life. So much collapse and change leaves my head spinning most of the time. Still only sleep a couple hours a night. Although I have accepted that I am powerless to change what's happened, I still struggle with disbelief and that sense of numbness. The 2 year mark was very difficult.....actually 2013 was difficult as a whole.....her 18th birthday, graduation, the 2 year death date...,,overwhelming and brutal. I seem to function better is the "numb" periods of time......it's the heart wrenching, gut and soul tearing periods of time that slay me and bring me to my knees. I spiraled recently and attempted suicide.....almost succeeded. But as I typically say, I'm still here and I still have a pulse. That incident brought about more upheaval and change, but I seem to be doing better emotionally. The vastness of grief and collapse is staggering, to say the least, but I am somewhat more hopeful today. I'm sorry that I haven't continued to be a part of the group here....,just had to take a break I guess. Much love to all, and for the newbies, I am so sorry that you walk this path with us.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate - I've missed you. Please accept my apology for withdrawing. Not sure that I understand the "why" of withdrawing. I just pulled away from most everyone and everything. Jesse David's Mom - thanks for reading some of my past posts. That time is such a blur to me. I mostly only remember the pain. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I'll never have an understanding for why this has happened to us. Makes me sick to think that it will continue to happen to others. We are powerless to change it or stop it. Becky - I've wondered about the progress you've made to make changes and hopefully save lives. I haven't forgotten you or your handsome son. A friend if mine recently asked me to reach out to her friend. His 19yr old son was killed less than two weeks ago in a motorcycle accident. I believe it was his only child. I've made contact, but feel as though I have nothing much to offer. We are without comfort initially, and many of us find no comfort at all. I'm hoping that I may be able to help him in some small way. I ponder life most of the time. Not that it does any good, cause I haven't made sense of it yet. I'm just here. And yeah, I still have that pulse that I resent. Laughter has returned to some degree. I guess that's progress, but tears flow daily, and in spite of the laughter, I am so sad and lonely without my girl. Reagan is doing very well. Working and classes.....boyfriend and social life. She misses her baby sister, but youth seems to be on her side. She's much more resilient than myself. I don't worry as much for her as I once did. She has a strength that I never knew she possessed. I'm proud of her. Shannon would be proud of her as well. Shannon's boyfriend hasn't faired so well. He died too that day. Just today he texted me that he would never be happy again. He's used drugs to numb his pain, and he hides behind anger. He recently had a dream of Shannon in which she said "you better check yourself". He wants to live with me, but no decision has been made yet. So many broken people as a result of her passing.....so sad:(
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hi Everyone, It's been a very long time since I've visited the site. I suppose it's just part of the process. I seem to have pulled away from most everything. Just recently passed the 18 month mark. I'm so very sad. This process has taken me to a new place. I still cry everyday and the missing has grown. Such deep sadness resides within me. Life has changed so much since Shannon was taken. I left the home in August, and have finally gotten an apt., but I struggle to make it in every sense if the word. My husband and I are separated and divorcing, which is long overdue, but it adds yet another battle. I spoke last month at Shannon's school and addressed her graduating class at Ghost Out. That was very emotional and difficult, but necessary. I've determined that she was distracted due to a common distraction. .... Eating while driving. A stupid cheap container of yogurt....opening it it trying to take a bite is all it took for catastrophe. Anyway, her friends have gone to prom and are working on their senior projects and preparing for graduation next month. My birthday and Mother's Day are on the 12th, a double whammy as I call it, then what should be her 18th birthday in June......all these dates suck balls. Maybe that's why the depression is so great? Who knows? I really really wish that life were different, that she were still here.....I spend much of my time lost in the wishing. My heart to each of you.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thanks to all who remembered my girl on the 20th. It has been a difficult time, but I have had signs and laughter during these past few days. Took Ragan, her best friend, and Shannon's best friend to Florida. I didn't sleep at all the night of the 19th. We arrived at around 2 am on the 20th. Got checked in and unloaded, and then I stepped out onto the balcony. I began speaking to Shannon, and as I looked up into the night sky, I saw a shooting star. I sat on the beach during the night and watched the sunrise. I walked on the beach and found several large shells. I found a broken shell in the shape of a heart, and areas in the sand in the faint shapes of hearts. I drew her name in the sand and let the waves roll over my feet. I saw dolphins. I laughed as I remembered her and our times at the beach. I stood where she could no longer stand. I opened my senses and prayed that she was with me and able to experience the things I was experiencing.....the sounds, the sights, the feel of it all. That night, I went to the hot tub. At one point I noticed that a beautiful monarch type butterfly was hanging out with me on a lounge chair near me. A beautiful butterfly at midnight!!!!! It stayed with me for about 20 or 30 minutes. Maybe it was just a strange occurrance, but I like to believe it was my girl giving me an incredible sign. I am thankful for the signs, for her life, for the love and relationship that we shared. I so wish that things could be different. I miss her so very much, and I still shutter at the thought that she has been taken from me, that this has actually happened. I am doubtful that I will ever accept it or find genuine peace.....it is simply too great to comprehend.....maybe at some later point, but not right now. Many feel that I will never accept it, that I will always struggle against the absolute.....I probably will. My appetite is horrible, and I've lost so much weight.....down to 117 lbs and trying desperately not to lose anymore. None of my clothes fit anymore......as a matter of fact, I had to bring some of her clothes with me to wear. I'm lucky if I sleep 3 hours at night. I dream of her every night......sometimes I am seeing her a various ages, but mostly I am searching for her......it's torment. My life has completely collapsed, and I often question my sanity. I'm just impatiently waiting for the day that I will be reunited with her. For those new to this journey, my heart to each of you. Praying that the love, support, understanding and encouragement of those on this site will be a balm to your broken hearts.
  7. I just read your post for sept 11 you gave my feelings words I want to say thank you.

  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    The 1 year mark is approaching, and I am lost in memories of those last days and hours with Shannon. I'm stuck for sure, somewhere in that space between logical understanding and heart understanding....my heart continues to deny, to resist the truth....guess I'm just not ready? Or maybe it's my defense? I don't know what to do on the 20th. How do I acknowledge the worst day of my life, the loss of Shannon, the loss and collapse of everything??? I am so weary and discouraged....I have no confidence that I can do this....I have no desire to do this. I want to give up and give in, but I have others who love and need me, so I feel obligated to stay in this hell.....and I resent it so much. The intense anger has subsided to some degree, but I am despondent, hopeless and lifeless. Shannon was my life, my future, my best friend, everything I loved and valued packed into that body and spirit that I so adore. I am truly lost without her....floundering like a fish out of water
  9. Death of 14 year old son

    lulla27 - Thank you for sharing your son's picture.....so handsome, and like all our angels, he has that very beautiful and special smile! I can not remember many details of the time since Shannon's death, but I remember every detail of the pain, the longing, the torment.....I remember that it felt as though every cell of my body were reaching, stretching for her. It was a physical pain so unique and unlike anything I have ever experienced. It crippled me,and brought me to points in which I was sure I could not survive another second of the torment. It lasted like that for about 4 1/2 to 6 months. I questioned constantly how my heart could continue to beat, how my lungs could continue to draw another jagged breath? I'm still in awe of my body's ability to continue "living and functioning.".....makes no sense to me. The magnitude is so vast and far reaching. There is not one single area of life or self that has not been stripped bare....it seems there is nothing left to hold onto or hope in anymore. I have come to believe that maybe we simply survive....maybe at some later point in time, a few years down the road, the rebuilding begins, but first we must survive this entity called grief. I haven't "arrived" yet....still in survival mode, and it's a stretch to call it that. I'm here. I still have a pulse, which I resent. I'm mostly vertical and going through the feigned motions of life.....that's all I can do, and I'm trying to be okay with "It's Enough." It's enough that I try, that I fake my way through for right now....it's all I've got. Everyone says to be gentle with yourself. That basically means to try to eat and sleep, and allow yourself to grieve. You (we) have a long, long way to go. It's not easy. Come here often and allow others to encourage, love and support you. This site and the wonderful people here have been a lifesaver for many. Prayers for you and your family. (When you feel able, please share your son with us. We love and honor all our angels' lives.....we never tire of hearing about them.)
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Gretchen - thank you for your kind words. Yes, I was able to see Shannon's face, and for that, I am ever thankful. She sustained injuries to the back/right side of her head, her aorta was transected, and she had injury to her chest and right arm. She was buried in a long sleeve shirt that covered the injuries to her upper body. Fortunately, the head injuries could be hidden also. I remember seeing her in her pink casket and thinking, "She looks like Sleeping Beauty." Had she not been in a casket, in a funeral home, and cold, one would have assumed she was just sleeping or resting peacefully. I was and am thankful for that, but it made it difficult for me to rationalize her injuries being severe enough to have caused immediate death. I, too, have flashbacks that slay me. I usually say, "Oh my God!", as the reality tries to makes it's way into my fortress of disbelief and denial. I still very much struggle with the harsh reality....it is simply too much for me to absorb, and I am uncertain that I will ever be ready or willing to face it. I fear I will crumble....that I will forever be lost and in that state of screaming, raging sorrow.....so I too keep it at bay. I am absolutely miserable, and the future seems pointless cause she will never be there....so, I am ever being tossed between the extremes. I often wish that I were stronger and more optimistic, but I'm not....not at this point. Thanks for posting to me. Take care! Susan
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Carol, Many prayers are being lifted for you during this time. I admire the relationship and love that you shared with your husband.....what an incredible and beautiful example of love and commitment was witnessed here on these pages. I have and will continue to hold you close through the space of time that stretches before you. May you find comfort in the love you two shared and peace in knowing of the joyous reunion of father and son. Susan
  12. Death of 14 year old son

    lulla27, I am so very sorry that you and others here have suffered such great loss and devastation too. My name Susan, and my 16 yr old daughter, Shannon, was killed in a car accident about a mile from our home on September 20, 2011. Since that day, my life has collapsed completely. I died that day. I was in absolute shock for the first 4 1/2 to 6 months. Shock slowly begins to wear away, but for me, it still seems to be active.....or maybe it's just denial? I have no words of advise or comfort worthy of mention, as I am so very lost and overwhelmed myself. I will be holding you and the others here close to my heart. Prayers that we each feel the love and continued connection to the sweet spirits of all our angels.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hi Everyone, I know that I have disappeared for along while, but you each cross my mind and heart daily. Not sure where I am or what I'm doing anymore.....the collapse of life following Shannon's death is vast and overwhelming. The 1 year mark is fast approaching, I am no longer living in the home, I may be crazy.....Hell, I probably am somewhat crazy. I'm not a lunatic, but definitely not thinking sanely. I've tried twice to end this misery, which is why I no longer live at home....just can't deal with the loss of my girl, and a broken marriage. I went to a real grief counselor which was harder and more emotional than I had expected. She told me that I am experiencing loss in every category, and that I am not dealing with or working through the loss of Shannon.....not sure what to think about that. She wants me to continue counselling so that I can begin the work of the grief process, but I am not sure that I can afford it, nor am I sure that I want to actually do the work. Denial and resistance seem hard enough.....facing it head on seems stupid and pointless. Trying to reconnect with some of the pieces of me that may still be buried somewhere deep inside. Kind of hoping that I will find enough of me left to restructure or rebuild myself, but still, it seems pointless because Shannon will never be a part of the new me, my new life, in the physical sense. It's like being on a see-saw. I teeter and totter up and down from one extreme to another,my feet never seeming to touch the ground.....I have no balance anymore. I lost everything when I lost her. She was my life, my best friend, my future.....it's so hard to move forward into this future that I do not want. It'snot just my life that has collapsed completely, but Ragan's, her father's and her boyfriend's lives have spiraled uncontrollably.....I try to take care of everyone else, to pick them up and encourage and comfort them, but all I say and do feels like deceit. Leaves me thinking, "Who am I kidding?".
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Brian - Brian - Brian.....may your mom, family and friends feels your sweet spirit surrounding them today. May they feel your angel hugs and kisses. Well, it's here: Shannon's first Heavenly Birthday. Many mixed emotions and thoughts. Some sweet, many gut-wrenching. Don't quite know what to do with myself....still seems unreal in a way. My prayer is that she knows of my great love for her, of her great value to me, and that even in my sorrow, I am ever thankful that I was chosen and blessed to be her Mom. Sure wish I could peek in the window of Heaven and see her happy, safe and blessed beyond measure. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Shannon. May our love and prayers find their way to your heart and wrap you in their truth and warmth. May the angels plant our kisses upon your cheeks and wrap you in our hugs.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thanks to all who reached out with love, understanding and support. Gretchen - my heart to you. I am so very sorry to hear of your father's passing. Prayers for peace and strength.