Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited


About pamdora

  • Rank

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    near Toronto, Canada
  • Interests
    music, photography, cycling, chess, interior-decorating, foreign films, Art, theatre, gardening, cooking, walking/hiking, poetry, screenwriting.
  • Loss Type
    both parents
  • Angel Date
    April 16/10 mother; May 21/11- father


  • Occupation
    former instructor
  • Interests
    Music, photography, cycling, chess, interior-decorating, foreign films, Art, theatre, gardening, cooking, walking/hiking,
  • Last Name
  • First Name
  • Zip
    L8W 1V5
  • Country
  1. pam, thinking of you. have you tried a counselor yet? my husband and i go to one and she has really helped. doesn't take our grief away but helps us deal with better. just know i think about you and am holding your hand. diane

  2. pam, thinking of you. have you tried a counselor yet? my husband and i go to one and she has really helped. doesn't take our grief away but helps us deal with better. just know i think about you and am holding your hand. diane

  3. I am now able to sleep in a different way. It was hard taking myself off Benadryl tablets but I did that. My sleep has changed now though mostly because I am more depressed than ever, so depression will do that to you in some cases- make you sleep. I am not exactly sleeping more but I am going to bed earlier out of sheer hopelessness and sadness.
  4. I read this now on the net and thought I'd share it with everyone. If you need to share this with others who do not understand your grief, then perhaps this might help them realize what they should NOT be doing to you. The better your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped you’ll be to help a bereaved friend or family member: There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not alwaysunfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what they “should” be feeling or doing.Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. The bereaved need reassurance that what they’re feeling is normal. Don’t judge them or take their grief reactions personally.There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure the bereaved to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow their healing.
  5. Anger

    I think I would go to court too if that were my situation. I am still waiting to hear from the hospital for their reason/apology for how I was treated when my dad died there. I have filed a complaint actually. You do whatever you feel will give you what you need at the time. My question to you is- please don't take this the wrong way and it's not meant to be that way but what if after you see this driver, you run into him again in your city- is that possible? Because if it is- you know if you're grocery shopping, etc. and you just see someone by coincidence- is that going to be a trigger of sadness and anger for you? That is my only concern. My dad was also hit by a car in 2007 but he survived that and the woman was not charged because it was my dad's fault with his Alzheimers and he misjudged the speed of the car while j-walking at night. She felt terrible though and was only 28- he, 84. I think you should still go to court if that's what you truly need, though. There's a movie with Nicole Kidman where she meets the driver who killed her son. I think it's called RABBIT HOLE. I hope you feel better in a way after you go to court. I hope the court gives you what you want. wishing you peace.
  6. My one cousin called my home number to leave a message that my aunt had died. This was my only living relative on my mom's side left- her middle sister, 82. The funeral is tomorrow. So, this is now two deaths in about 6 wks. as I just had my father May 27/11 for his service. Please pray I do not fall apart today at the funeral- I wrote tomorrow but it's really in 10 hrs. from now or a bit less! Thank you.
  7. GghKaite Espinoza S

    I'm so sorry for your mother's passing. I get some comfort from this site. Hope you will, too. I lost both of my parents now. My mother last year and father 6 wks. ago. I am still in shock over him. God Bless you!
  8. Wow- after reading about others' dreams or nightmares on here- all I can say is I am so sorry for this for you but my problem of not sleeping does not stem from that. I wish I could see my dad in my dreams. I've only dreamt of my mother once in the past yr. too since her death. My problem is that I have trouble shutting down. This is the last thing I check on the net now- this site. I love its openess and care, sharing nature. It's so brilliant whoever thought of this whole site- kudos to them! I did watch a film and that has helped a bit. More later- good night and here's wishing you all good dreams of love and encouragement of your loved one. May your pain be lessened. Peace.
  9. I am still in shock to some degree and don't know how I can go on as I was before. Every day is a challenge, though I try but some days...

    1. SadRN


      I had a pretty good week last week because I was out of town and out of my normal routine. Returned home last night exhausted and started having terrible memories from my childhood of my parents. They had a troubled relationship for years. But I just don't want these thoughts taking over my mind. My father loved me and my son, and I want to remember the good things. What do I do?

  10. My biggest problem, despite exercise- is falling alseep. I am not on anything from the Dr. for this and I don't want to be but I did take an entire bottle of allergy tablets in one month- not even melatonin was enough- but now, I am trying melatonin, plus Valerian root in liquid form and then an herbal tea. I don't really drink coffee, either- hardly at all. I should also stop or limit my net use now as I heard something about the brightness of the screen affecting your natural melatonin. Is anyone else having trouble sleeping? The nights are the worst for me. I miss talking to my parents- they were like friends. Oh, I wanted to share with you all a radio station online called www.calmradio.com - I am listening to some music now. The problem is that some of my hobbies, actually remind me of my parents because we were so into music and cooking for one thing. I do eat but it's just more functional than cooking gourmet- unless I am inviting someone over. Sorry, to digress there.
  11. taking care of ourselves

    That is a lovely thought and experience - massage. The problem for me, ironically, is that when I looked after my father with Alzheimers, we had a routine whereby he'd massage my legs and I'd do his back before bedtime. He died two months ago and I am still in shock. But I can't think of something more relaxing than massage. We were big on that in our family. Touch is so important. I go for walks and cycle but I am still not there yet. It's like there is a veil of sadness over me, a dark cloud. Grief takes time and everyone is different. I applaud your personal efforts for your health.
  12. Anger

    I can't even begin to express my sadness at your father's untimely death. I'm also share your anger and am sorry that this teen only got a fine of $90. That does seem unfair. I am in shock still over my dad's passing and it was not an accident. Everything takes time and grief is a rollercoaster, as they say. You have to ride it and take your time to be you during this difficult period. My dad died a week after yours, BTW. It seems like yesterday. In sincere sympathy, P.
  13. Thank you. I have written my reply to you both- see below. Sorry- not thinking clearly now and was going to bed, Sorry if I was a bit repetitive from my previous original story. My father had alzheimers but he was not pure typical end stage. He was unique in that aspect! I designed many cognitive activities for him and I quit my job in 2008 to take care of both parents. I loved them more than life itself. I really don't know how I can go on but I at least want an answer to this. The clinical nurse manager gets back from holiday July 11th but a person filling in for her called me a few days ago, stating that they are working on it. I take the whole thing as extreme carelessness and negligence, coupled with apathy. Nothing less. I bet the nurse forgot to call me - literally or else she didn't want me coming in that early, knowing my dad died in a non-private room where two other male patients were! Death is an art- not a science. I saw him May 20th for the last time around 7:15pm. I am still in shock and it's very different in some ways from my mother's grief last April. I also had a problem with the funeral home in their neglect. I wrote a letter June 20th and that was resolved. There were mistakes made in the obituary, and I even had to call the crematorium myself to inquire about his remains. I am telling you- I tried to prepare for my father's death but things still went wrong. However, I will defend my parents post death. Honour goes beyond the grave in my books - and for life. The best outlet for my grief journalling/writing. I write; therefore, I am.
  14. I am very sorry for your father's loss, as well. May he rest in peace. Thank you to both of you- I'll reply here- my dad had alzheimers but he knew me right to the end! I was his main caregiver and I refused a long term care facility for him last Sept. I wanted him to die at home, as did my mom but hers was more sudden and shocking as she died with her oxygen mask off, sitting up in profile, in movement- I called to her that morning because I thought she was alive! I have some friends- including two who are hospice nurses ironically. I called Patient Relations after obtaining - for a small fee- the medical death notes by the nurse and doctor ( a resident Dr. was called in per se) In Canada, it was the beginning of a holiday weekend. He had NO private rm. but was stuck in a ward after being transferred from another ward where he had private and semi-private. There was simply NO room available, they claim to have him transferred though he was palliative. Thurs. morning, May 19th, I got the call from the attending physician, stating that my father would be going palliative and that maybe he had about a week left. Ironically, my mother's bday is May 28th, so I did not want him to die on that day exactly- too weird to have life juxtaposed with death on the same day for me. He died May 21st at 3:30 am but the nurse called me close to 5 am. That is totally wrong. The whole ward and staff and yes, clinical nurse mgr knew I was his ONLY kin and only child and I lived 10 min. from hospital. You don't sleep when someone is palliative. You want to be there for them. I was all set to start living at the hospital in his room- provided it were private, i.e. He never got the chance to have that. I have also written- as of today- to the Royal College of Physicians & Surgeons ( located in Ottawa, our nation's capital) to ask the generic question of this matter of accuracy and honesty on medical death notes by doctors. Another irony- today, I decided to see if this doctor were on facebook- She IS! However, I will not contact her as that would be unprofessional and I don't want to interfere. She is a resident specializing in general surgery who will graduate in 2015. I would like both of these women- doctor and nurse- to explain their actions and also, an apology would be the least that should be done. I am appalled at this entire situation. I won't even set foot in a hospital now- unless a friend were in, of course. My father was also hit by a car in 2007 and has been in hospital more than 6 X in the span of 4 yrs. My mother was hospitalized, too for nearly 2 months at two different times. I am not afraid to talk to any medical staff- ever. I have spoken to just over half a dozen doctors- they are NOT God, though some of them think they are. The worst was this neurosurgeon who alluded that my father if he had died during his first of three subdural hematomas- well, it would be ok because he's in his 80s. after all! Honestly, knowledge and skill without emotional intelligence does NOT sit well with me for any medical professional. If you don't have both, IMO, you are not a good doctor. Period. I am keeping up the garden for my parents in their honour and I am working on an original piece of music for piano which I played two weekends ago- it just came out of me. I was so upset. We were big on music at home. I actually can't imagine life without my parents. I have no family really and am not married being in my now mid 40s. Thanks for listening!
  15. pam....just thinking of you and letting you know you are in my heart today....diane