BehindBlueyes2989

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About BehindBlueyes2989

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Las VEgas
  • Loss Type
    I have just found out about the death of my biological mother who I have never met. I just recently picked up her ashes. I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of not only my mother but of never being able to meet her

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  • Last Name
    Durvin
  • First Name
    Lisa
  • Zip
    89102
  • Country
    USA
  1. Thank you for your encouraging words. No one seems to understand the longing I have had my whole life with wanting answers and meeting her. Most wonder " How can you be grieving over someone's death that you never personally knew?". But she was my mother... she gave birth to me. She carried me inside her until she gave birth to me. I know there are probably alot of traits I get from her not only physical ones but personality characteristics. My oldest sister stayed within the family and never knew that she had 2 younger sisters who were adopted out. After me, my biological mother gave birth to a baby boy who passed because of her addiction and the effects it took on him. My sister Susan ( who I have never met in person) doesnt want to talk bout the situation and she is the only person I know who is in the exact situation as I. My oldest sister Pam who I have met only once ( I just recently found both of them) allows me to speak my mind ... but she doesnt really open up. I dont want to open old wounds for her.. she went to the funneral. Shes grieved.. and healed ( so I am assuming) My adopted mother doesnt understand why I have picked up her ashes nor does she understand why this is affecting me so much. I am usually a positive person, always seeing the glass as half full. But this situation has taken the best outta me. I feel like I dont even know myself anymore. Maybe because I have wanted her for so long.. I have made a foundation for myself of getting those answers to better define who I am. I guess that I why I feel like I have lost myself within this scenario. I look at her ashes and I feel anger, sorrow, pain, confusion. Sometimes I want to yell at her for the pain she has caused me and my sisters. But I dont. I guess I have too much respect to do that even though I have so much I need to get off my chest. And when the anger gets the best of me.. I want to throw her ashes... and scream. But I would never do that. I have drown myself in sorrow and its hard to do daily normal tasks. Im glad to have her ashes... sometimes it comforts me to know she is with me now even in that state... but other times it infuriates me to the point of insanity. WHY??? why?? WHY?? And everyone says... get out of the house ... stop dwelling on it. Find closure and accept what has happened... They dont know my pain... and its so much easier said then done when you feel like an 18 wheeler has hit you and you are suffocating in the emotions you feel. I just dont know how to deal with this. I am the type of person to let things roll off me and look the other way... not really deal with them but ignore them and stash them away inside. But I have allowed myself to feel this.. broken down my walls in order to embrace the feelings and grief that I am going through.. and with doing so.. I feel defeated.. weak... helpless.. LIke Im stuck in a bottomless pit... trying to reach out for clarity, understanding, and help.
  2. ~~~~ My entire life I have always wondered how it would be the day I would find you. Yes I grew up in a great environment... Thanks to you picking out my adopted parents for me. But there has always been an emptiness inside me. I wonder.. did you hold me that day you gave birth to me... before you gave up your rights?? Throughout the years ... did you think of me on my birthday...? Christimas? Any holiday? Did you even remember my birthday or my older sisters' who you gave up as well? Do I get my loud laugh from you? So many questions to be answered... and even though I know you were addicted to your herion... I always thought you would clean up your life to eventually be part of mine and my sisters lives when we became adults. I would have rather you had cleaned up your life and had a new family that you didnt tell bout us children you left behind instead you losing yourself in your addiction. Finding out that you had passed when I was 5 years old was heartbreaking. I have been searching for you and my sisters forever it seems. Wanting answers... needing to know you and them. I never expected that with finding my sisters I would be abruptly hit in the face with reality that you had been gone this whole time I have been searching for you. I never got the chance... Picking up your ashes has been...THE HARDEST THING I HAVE HAD TO DO IN THE 22 YEARS I HAVE BEEN ON THIS EARTH!!! To look down with you in this plastic box... and realize.. The last time you and I were together.. you were holding me at birth. How do I move on from this? I am so thankful to have my sisters in my life... I have wanted them since I knew of their existance. But you did not leave just me.. YOU LEFT .. MYSELF... PAMELA.. SUSAN.. and so many others who loved you unconditionally. Somewhere along the line you gave up... when you should have had strength and faith in restoring relationships with the children you gave away. How do I cope with not only you dying but this situation at hand?? I am lost... confused.. angry... hurt... tired... I do not know how to deal with this situation... I have been swallowed whole by depression and grief... LOST!!!... Please help me before I lose myself permanently in the chaos of what is my reality!
  3. ~~~~ My entire life I have always wondered how it would be the day I would find you. Yes I grew up in a great environment... Thanks to you picking out my adopted parents for me. But there has always been an emptiness inside me. I wonder.. did you hold me that day you gave birth to me... before you gave up your rights?? Throughout the years ... did you think of me on my birthday...? Christimas? Any holiday? Did you even remember my birthday or my older sisters' who you gave up as well? Do I get my loud laugh from you? So many questions to be answered... and even though I know you were addicted to your herion... I always thought you would clean up your life to eventually be part of mine and my sisters lives when we became adults. I would have rather you had cleaned up your life and had a new family that you didnt tell bout us children you left behind instead you losing yourself in your addiction. Finding out that you had passed when I was 5 years old was heartbreaking. I have been searching for you and my sisters forever it seems. Wanting answers... needing to know you and them. I never expected that with finding my sisters I would be abruptly hit in the face with reality that you had been gone this whole time I have been searching for you. I never got the chance... Picking up your ashes has been...THE HARDEST THING I HAVE HAD TO DO IN THE 22 YEARS I HAVE BEEN ON THIS EARTH!!! To look down with you in this plastic box... and realize.. The last time you and I were together.. you were holding me at birth. How do I move on from this? I am so thankful to have my sisters in my life... I have wanted them since I knew of their existance. But you did not leave just me.. YOU LEFT .. MYSELF... PAMELA.. SUSAN.. and so many others who loved you unconditionally. Somewhere along the line you gave up... when you should have had strength and faith in restoring relationships with the children you gave away. How do I cope with not only you dying but this situation at hand?? I am lost...