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About bltarve

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  1. My Father

    Hello Kelly, Sorry about your lost leaving that way seems so unjust. I lose my mom to suicide when I was 14 about 10 years ago, I am still asking WHY. I am glad to hear you are seeking counseling that is something I didn’t do and I am in it now. I lived with my mom and she went missing for a week and they found her in Mexico in some sleazy hotel, she wrote us all a note but still didn’t answer any questions really. After she died they reviled she has bone marrow cancer. So sometime we have to make peace with things we do not understand. I wish you comfort while you are on to a new journey in life. Wish you the best Brook
  2. Pregnant and Lost my mother

    I lost my mom 10 years ago had 3 kids and have gotten married. It was a sad time for me but looking into those babies eyes fills your heart with so much joy! I hope the best for you I know how hard it can be just reach out to the other women in your life. We will be here to chat or to listen just let it out I kept it inside for 10 years just now letting it out and sharing my stories with other I feel so much better. I wish you the best on your baby girl. My daughter is named after my mom, she would have been her first grand daughter. Brook
  3. Pregnant and Lost my mother

    Thank you I have looked into that it looks like a great book.
  4. My mom

    yI have another appt this Friday. I also started writting in my diary. which helps thats also theropy in itself, to get all the feelings out.
  5. replacing your mother's family role?

    Yes I have that experience also, my mom pasted away when I was 14 and my little brother was 9. Well from then on out I took care of him, not finically but emotionally and I was his rock. I became his mom, I swallowed all my grieve and my hurt to be strong for him. He needed me it’s a natural instinct. My advice is taken care of yourself too, make sure you are grieving the healthiest way you can. You can be there for your dad but take time for yourself too. Sometimes when our family needs us we must step up, they may need you because you are the only girl your mom must have been the leader of the family so they look at you the same way. Stay strong and just make sure to take care of yourself too Wish you the best, im here if you ever need to talk.
  6. My mom

    Thank you my appt went well. I felt better I will be going once a week. I got a few things to work on for next week. I look forward to healing and feeling a lot better. Thanks for everything
  7. My mom

    I have always thought that about her, but there is no way she would ever hear me out. So I just keep my distance that may not be the best way to deal with things, but I need my own sanity not just for me but for my kids. But adult protective services are just like child protective services. She would help to make sure that the elderly last wishes are being heard, and they are not being abused by anyone. She a few clients we would go cook for, clean their house, she would really get to know them and they would be like our family. She would make sure their children wouldn’t take advantage of them. It was nice I remember how sad it was to me that some of the people would have no one around for them and we couldn’t be there all the time it just made us wants to always be there and help them. My first counseling appointment is on Monday I am nervous, but I will let you know how it goes I am also excited at the same time to feel normal again thanks again
  8. My mom

    You know that is so true I will take that advice!! I know when my husband and I have the kids somewhere and an older couple come up and tell me how beautiful they are and how much it brightest there life, it makes me smile. I will look into that, i know my kids would love that I would be happy bringing some joy to someone’s life. It’s so funny you say that my mom worked for adult protected services and she would bring us with her to some of her clients and we all would eat dinner with them and just spend time I see she was doing the same thing. Thank you, I guess it’s time to stop feeling so sorry for myself and get back to living…. Thank you, You have already helped me so much..I haven’t ever talked to someone who really understood what it was like except for my sisters and brother. Brook Oh and yes billing and coding is a whole new language i thought i was going to lose my hair when i went through medical terminology
  9. My mom

    I am studying billing and coding. It is pretty difficult i am getting there 5 more months..... But my husbands mom clings to him, she isn’t very loving nurturing, not really mom like. When we would bring the kids over there she would sit there and watch tv and tell them to get out of the way. Then she would complain that she would just like a day off without noise over there. So we stopped going over there then she complained about that…she is imposable. I feel so guilty that she is the kids only grandma, and she could really care less. I grew up with seeing my granny and grandpa everyday I love it. I only wanted my kids to be loved as much as I love them, but I know she never will same with my husband’s sister she is worst. She has screamed at me, her and her mom feed off of each other and become these nasty people. They really only care about my husband. His mom and sister would be anything for him, they use to buy him whatever he wanted, baby him, never treated him like he is a grown man with a family now. Its so strange me and my sister are really close and she doesn’t have kids she doesn’t disrespect him at all. I have never in my life been treated so badly. All of this as brought up all of my sad and emotional side, the guilt of my mom taking her life. I know I was a kid (14) but I think back of the last things I said to her. Breaks my heart, then I go threw anger if she knew that was going to be the last time I saw her she could have giving me a extra big huge. I will nevr forget that day now it is in my brain forever. Then I feel so sad for her, she must have felt so alone. I remember one time she wouldn’t let me and my sister go to the movies, so we were talking in our bedroom how we will she was more like our friends mom and let us go…she came in crying said how much she tries how much she loved us. We both felt so bad we wrote her letters, made her coffee but I think maybe if we never said those things, or even thought them. She was such a wonderful mom, I just wish I would have told her that more. She was my soccer coach; she would let us have food fights in the house. She was great. I stood up and talked at her funeral, we wrote her a poem it was one of those time in your life you wish you weren’t standing there you wish you were someone else. I have tried to block everything for so long, now I do not know how to channel it where to put it. Where is the safe place in my mind where it doesn’t hurt me all the time? I would have done anything for her. She left us a note which just made things worse, she asked me to still play soccer I was so good and she would always watch over me. How could I play without her? That was my last season, I couldn’t do it.
  10. My mom

    I think that is right, I don’t know why she hates me so much. I have always wanted a relationship with her and for my kids to have a grandma shes the only one they have. We moved from Nevada to Texas to be live by her and she has made our lives more stressful then before I told her we need to get help and she says its all me. So I have giving up and told her she is no longer welcome to our house and my husband does not how she upsets me so he stands by me. I didn’t want it to be like this I know how important a mom is in someone’s life I know firsthand what its like to not have one so I have always put up with it so they could have a relationship I just couldn’t take it anymore. Last straw she told my husband I was jealous he had a mom and I didn’t. That really hurt me, she wouldn’t apologize and said she meant it. Haven’t talked to her since. She makes me miss my mom even more, I had my friends mom in Nevada who where like my second moms and down here I don’t have that at all so it has open all my sadness. I am working though it Im a full time student and trying to stay focused. This helps me release my feelings. Thank you for listening. Brook
  11. Sadness

    I am happy to hear your seeking the help you need, I to lost my mom 10 years ago, I use to watch videos from thanksgiving and just watch her cook I miss the smell of her food, and the light she brought to my life. I carry on her memory through my kids I named my daughter after her since she was her first grand daughter. And my mom loved the moon and I told my kids she will always be there so whenever they wanted to talk to her shes there. It helps little things like that have more meaning to me now. Stay strong you will get through this we are here and talk and let it out. ((HUGS)) Brook
  12. My mom

    We had sat down and talked about everything and after we do everything great for a while, then everything gets twisted again. SO I have kind of given up. She thinks her son would have been better off without me. We wouldn’t have had kids so young; we both would have finished high school on time. Things like that we have 3 kids now im in college and we both finished high school not on time but did it. She was going through a really bad divorce with his dad and needed him and that’s when we met. She doesn’t except the kids, she’s missed so much and we moved here to be by her I don’t get it. <BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"> But I hope I will get some tools I am going to start a diary to get my feelings out I used to surround myself with people that had issues so I could deal with there issues not mine. Well since we are in a new place I have come to realize I have more issues then I thought. A lot of unfinished business with myself. This is the most I have talk about my mom in 10 years, it was to painful. So I am optimistic things will turn around for me, it almost feels like I’m drowning slowly, that’s why I am seeking help. Not just for me but for my kids and husband, when something effects me it effects them too. Thank you for listening J
  13. My mom

    Thank you I don’t feel as strong as I am. If that make sense. I had to be strong for my little brother then I got pregnant very young, but he is now the best thing that has ever happened to me. But with that was more heartbreak my mother in law would now except that I was pregnant said I was ruining her sons life, wanted blood work, DNA test everything. Well needless to say we did all that and I thought things would have been different by now he’s 6 and she still does not except me, so that’s the closes thing I have to a mom and she despises me my husband does not allow it and we have not spoken in a long time but it still hurts. But any who this is my first time staying home I have always stayed so busy and never realized how much I was still in pain, I would in fact take one others issues to forget about mine, well now 10 years later I don’t know how to deal with this on my own. I think once I have my counseling appt I hope to get some tools needed to proceed in life.
  14. My mom

    Well that added to the sad story, I met my dad at my moms funeral, I was 14, I had a stepdad who has been in my since I was 4 so to me he was my dad. Well his new girlfriend didn’t want anything to do with us she said we were Carolyn’s kids not his. So they sold all my mom’s stuff (I didn’t get anything that belong to her) and I had to go live with my dad who I didn’t know, he moved us out of state (my brother and I) he couldn’t afford California. I have 4 sisters and they seem to have taken a lot different then me, My little brother doesn’t talk about it at all. He will say a few things but he is in the Navy so that keeps his mind off of it. I have had like a flare up I have yet to deal and heal with this I always pretended it never happened, I have gotten married, had 3 kids and I think after the years the dame holding everything back broke. I don’t know how to rebuild it. I have sought counseling have an appt for next month. I guess its stepping stones. I think one thing that as really made this flare up is my husband, kids, and I moved to Texas to be by his mother and sister. And since we have been here there has been nothing but fighting. I wanted to be close with his mom but she makes it imposable. I just don’t know what to do. Thank you Brook
  15. My mom killed herself 10 years ago; it breaks my heart to this day on the short time with her. She was an amazing person and now as a mom it makes very sad to not have here for me and my kids. I joined this because after 10 years I still can’t seem to cope with this. Any help??