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About rlolheiser

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    JaBoa's Grandma/ Leah

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  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    still reading. just not much to say lately. I am at a standstill with everything.. kind of just stuck and not going anywhere. I know the fog will lift again one day.. just have to be patient. The weather has been cold and we have some snow.. not ready for winter. My heart and thoughts are with you all. I know that there is struggling to accept the way life is. I wish there was great advice that would make all things better, but there isn't.. Best advice is to keep coming here.. whether we share our thoughts or not there is always something here that touches the soul. Stay warm and safe my friends.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan, great looking decorations.. love the picture of Wyatt John and the pumpkin.. he looks so happy!
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, Kate, Georgina.. thank you for your special thought.. loved the poem Kate.. soul touching Georgina.. glad to hear that you are recovering.. sorry it is so slow.. I still keep you in my thoughts and prayers Dee.. wow.. what a Halloween that was makes me smile.. It was an uneventful day yesterday which was fine with me.. only two trick or treaters.. but I didn't turn my light on. It is cold and snow is expected again tomorrow.. so not ready for winter.. but we have no choice in that either. Hope everybody is well.. thinking of you all..
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    I want to thank you all for being here.. Kate.. I know you have so much going on in your life and your never out of my heart.. I always think of you and Ross Dianne, Susan, Laurie, Leslie and Louann.. I know your lives are busy as well.. I do appreciate the thought and the messages..I loves them all.. especially about the one being alone and all we need to do is look beside us and our friends are there.. your all there and I can't tell you what it means to me. I didn't realize how broke a person is after 11 years still.. I spent the day trying to assure the grands that JaBoa loved them.. loves them.. Some couldn't say anything.. one the closest to her age.. was really upset cause she is forgetting.. I had to dig into my brain and tell her the things the two girls used to do.. and she seemed better once she could remember.. she was the same age as JaBoa. Sena posted that she had a renewed closeness to her sister.. I hope she holds on to that. That her sister is with her and wants her to continue being strong.. I feel so bad for her and the roller coaster of emotions she is on. Reading what was posted on siblings and their relationships. JaBoa was at a stage in her relationship with her then 4 year old sister where they fought a lot.. and sadly.. that is what Sena remembers I had to remember through the fights was always the making up and the big sister taking care of her.. and being proud to be a big sister I hate tonight... used to love Halloween. Somebody asked me to host a party and I can't. Not since the last one I had with JaBoa. I fake it thorugh the rest of the holidays.. but have been terrible with this one. I feel bad for my son, I always sent him with various family members because I couldn't do it. Not til the last two years. I figured I was cheating us out of memories. I took him to the last 2 haunted houses.. and for treats.. Today he says he is a big enough boy he just wants to sit home.. I am glad for that. I do hope the skies are clear tonight and I can watch that moon.. watch Dee's Erica ( she has always been the angel on the moon) .. Lesley's Kira.. my JaBoa... I really do strain to see what my babies told me they could see... I want to see ALL of the angels.. I want to watch them dance. I thank you again for being here.. let me feel my sadness.. it will pass.. I know I am strong.. I hope you are all doing well... holidays are so tough and now they come on us fast and strong. It is really hard to find your footing and make them good for family members here while we have our thoughts of Angels that aren't here physically any more. I close my eyes.. and she is here... just wish I knew how to make everybody feel it.. I am going off into ramble land again.. Take care.. you are all awesome.. and our angels are very loved.. forever
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    It has been a haunting weekend for me. I imagine the stress of what is going on with my daughter and grandchildren play a big part. Eleven years ago this Saturday I had the big Halloween party for my grandkids, in which Sena, JaBoa, their mom, and my mom came to. My brain has been full of the last conversations with my beautiful 10 year old grand daughter. Most frightening is the remembering the sunday after when she told me something was killing her... it keeps echoing in my head.. and the morning scene of getting everybody ready to go meet my daughter had left even before the party. I was to drop them off.. I did drop them off.. I remember the hug.. the kiss.. the joys I was feeling... along with the fear that gripped me not half an hour later when my heart knew something was wrong.. 11 years ago today I got my last hug.. my last kiss.. the last day of not being broken. So strange how I knew something was wrong.. so painful in finding out exactly what it was that broke my heart even before I knew it was broken continued pain throughout the last 11 years.. one little life that touched so many gone in an instant.. Things are so unsettled here.. still nothing in getting Sena.. I tried to call my grandson but nobody ever answers.. and then we have my daughter who is so wrapped up in her life that I don't know what her future will bring. Sadly truth is she is on her own.. My fears are for Sena.. and how she will come out of this month.. she should have been here by now... and today of all days she isn't going to get to be with family.. social workers are to busy.. her mom and brother are going to the gravesite.. wish I could go but I don't drive that far and nobody free to take me. Once a awhile I see Sena on facebook.. and her biggest fears are that JaBoa isn't proud of her. I told her with JaBoa's heart.. she is extremely proud of her little sister.. she has gone through so much in her little life.. I told her that her ability to get through it all is cause JaBoa walks with her.. she keeps us strong.. and on the right path... I have been reading.. my brain isn't grasping a lot right now.. I thank everybody for their thoughts and sharing of pictures and stories.. I love to read them.. and I should get my thoughts in order again soon. I feel old today.. and very alone.. I still celebrate my girls life.. don't care who sees me cry.. and if they don't like it tough.... they will get over it.. I know I will make it through this hard spot.. we seem to always make it.. I really miss her.. miss knowing what the future might have been.. she would be 21.. I just really love her a picture of my girls Sena and JaBoa the summer before the accident
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee.. heart touching poems... thank you for sharing them Louanne and Dee... everybody.. I am back at square one trying to get Sena. I am not going to give up.. I am filling out new paperwork this week. I tire of it.. but getting her to me is worth it. I just hope and pray it is settled soon. Really tired out today.. my mind is fairly closed off.. not a lot to say, trying to stay upbeat. I am thinking of each of you.. even through silence.. pray the difficult times, the unhealthy times, the sad times would just leave .. I know it isn't the way it goes.. but I guess I want to remind each of us that we are still here for each other
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sandy.. I have been thinking of you, my thoughts and prayers continue your way. My heart breaks to hear of your nephew.. 14.. such an impressionable age and so conflicted in feelings as they grow older. I hope his parents listen, I know I would go to the depths of hell to try to prevent this from going further. I surely hope that answers come to your family.. it isn't easy dealing with these problems.. but it gets harder if we just try to ignore it.. it can't be ignored. I hope you are continuing to take care of you even when you don't want to strength to you my friend. Tinay.. thinking of you.. knowing how raw your grief is. I hope an pray that you find a little more strength each day.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee.. I forgot to tell you also that I enjoyed your poems... they take me to a place in my heart. Not feeling to upbeat about getting my granddaughter. I am so afraid I will let her down. I have been contacted by Social Services and told I don't have enough income. I contacted my sister in law (who I pay rent to) and asked if she would let me not pay rent during the time I might have my grandchildren. Happily she said yes, so now I will bring this news to the table. I might not be able to afford everything my grandkids would like, but I can give them the best love that anybody can. That should account for something. I would also not be to proud to apply for assistance... I want so much to get that little girl with me. I fear I want it to much.. and they will refuse me. I know I have people around me that will do whatever it takes to keep going.. they already do for me... and I know they love this little girl.. as I said, we have had her here for so very long. I appreciate being able to state my fears here.. thanks for listening. All in all things are fine here... the weather has been great.. a little windy but oh well. I hope everybody is doing well.. thoughts of you and your families along with your angels are always on my mind and in my heart
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Jaesmom17.. my heart breaks for you, I can't imagine the pain you feel. Losing a child is the hardest thing in the world to endure. I wish there were magic words to be said, but I haven't found them. Time is the only thing that makes this bearable and at times we still feel the hurt as if it is new. This site is definitely a God send. I send you my deepest prayers and hopes that you continue to grow stronger. I know at times you won't feel that way, please lean on us, we will do our best to support you by listening to you.. anything at all you feel, you want to say.. you want to scream or cry... or just read. So many parents here that have lost their angel, all different ages but have that one grief in common and all at different lengths of time. So many times I came on just scream.. I felt so alone, but there are wonderful people here.. we will do our best to hold you up.. it is a hard road but your not alone. Please take care of yourself..
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee.. thank you my friend, I know you make sense and believe me I have done so much thinking I am just in a spot where my spiritual hardship has been haunting me as it is. I never wanted another marriage to end. At times I feel this obligation to go back to it, but at other times.. I feel stronger that I am not oppressed. It isn't that he hurt me.. it is just his actions. For being who he is, he has always done right by the kids.. especially Sena who was the first grandchild born into our marriage. Right now I see it as a last move, I am hoping that if they come back at me they will accept certification from family members that Sena will always have what she needs. She really truly is loved by all. Thanks again for the words .. I feel truly cared for here.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you everybody for the wishes of Sena coming home. Each day I talk to her on facebook she seems more and more depressed, I just hope this nightmare ends soon. The social workers were cordial and I was very open and honest. They inspected the house, and said it appears to be alright. There is a total of 3 meetings they have to come out here. On Monday I have to go in and get fingerprinted and background check done. I don't understand why they don't keep this on file, I have done it at least two other times for my other grandchildren. I haven't been in trouble, not worried there. I also have to get shots for my son's cat which doesn't bother me, because my husband had said he would do that for me. The biggest problem is the income, they don't think I make enough on my disability, my sister in law will reduce my rent.. and various family have told me they would pay me some money to keep Sena plus her parents should have to pay child support. I don't understand how it should make a difference, no I can't give her everything in the world, but I can feed her, clothe her, house her, and most importantly love her like no foster home can. All I can do after I finish the list of requirements is wait, and I pray that she comes back here.. she needs it. My in-laws are butchering pigs today. I am not real fond of pork, but they will give me some in exchange for keeping excess in my extra freezer. They are also planning to get some beef and they will share some with me. As I said for being separated from my husband, I am treated fairly and they would do most anything for me. I don't always agree with their life styles, but I can't judge, I just chose to be cautious when I visit them because we are very different. In the back of my mind I am even contemplating letting the husband move back in to give us two salaries, even though it still isn't that much. I was hoping when my disability ends, I can just take early retirement and hopefully get a part time job. I miss getting out among people and interacting. I just know it gets harder with age, but at least thankfully so much more of my abilities have come back. Dee.. I hope the little one gets around on the cast alright. Poor little tyke. I plan to call my grandson today, I was going to yesterday, but didn't want to end his night on sadness. I figure early in the day and then he can play. I have been given a list of things not to say to him. No telling him I want him.. which really blows... but I would not torture him. I want him to have fun.. but I want him to know we miss him and love him and that I will do my best to get up there to visit him. Sorry this got long.. just wanted to update. Thinking of you all.. Luanne, Dianne, Sandy, Sherry, Gretchen, Georgina, Dee, Sherry, Tina, Leslie, Laurie, Susan, Colleen.. everybody out there.. I do forget names sometimes.. my brain just doesn't work well. May you have a peaceful weekend
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, I am happy to hear you got to spend time with a friend, and sharing memories is a blessing. I know it is a bittersweet one, but I always like to think my JaBoa is right around the corner listening to us revel in her life.. I always enjoy sharing stories and memories. Homeschooling is tough, I did it for my oldest daughter in her freshman year of school. I was attending college and finding the time to help her and instruct was tough, but we did it. She onl lasted a year with it. She had some problems that made it hard to attend public school. She did drop out, but glad to say she went back for her GED. Dee sounds like some interesting papers. I love stories from children, I saved so many from my own and the grandkids. I love going through my memory box and reading back on them. As they got older I gave some of the stuff to them for their own memory box and was sad to learn much of it never got saved. I try not to be a hoarder but I do hold on to stuff always hoping that they will want it. Hope you had a good rest. Sandy, glad to hear your hanging in there, you have been in my thoughts. I hope you are taking care of you. I know it is a hard time your going through, wish we could make this walk with you.. Susan, thinking of you.. hope summer steals some days from your fall. We are supposed to get 70 degree weather next week.. for ND that is about summer :-) You say it nicer about people than I do... I have just come up with the fact that I can't deal with stupid anymore. I know it isn't the nicest thing to say about others, but they bring it out in me. Well.. time to get cleaning in the house, it isn't real messy, just cluttered. I don't use the dining room or living room so it has become a catch all for so much stuff over the years. Sena's bedroom (there are 2 she has used) both are clean. just in need of her belongings. Thinking of you all
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dianne, Lesley, Susan, and Dee.. thank you so much for caring. The meetings were tough. I know that unless I go to court I won't get the custody of my grandson, and after what happened a couple years ago, I don't know if I can even try. They paint a picture of him being happy.. but he is still my guy... last time when he was here a couple weeks ago, he told me that he didn't want to be with the people who had him and wanted to stay here with us. As for Sena, I think I might get her, but her father also put in a claim. I know she didn't want to go with him, I am not sure what to hope . or do.. He is strange.. he wants the custody so he can give her to me to take care of. I don't understand... anyway tomorrow I have a home inspection from my county to make sure my house is alright. I have had three of these before, but the paperwork says I have to do it again. I will do whatever. Lesley, I am sorry I forget to sign my name which is Leah to the posts, I tried to make it on my profile so we will see if it works Have a good night everyone.. heading for bed soon... tuckered out
  14. It's been 1 month today

    Kelly, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I know it must be hard for all of you and this tragedy will have a rollercoaster of emotions as you go on. I would suggest that you go to the loss of an adult child. There are many parents with many different aged angels. Come to listen, or to scream or to cry .. we are here and we would like to hear more about your angel when you are ready. Everybody there has been down this path with losing our precious child, and the best thing about it, is your not alone.. and others do understand. I hope to see you there.. please take care of you, your angel would want that. I never lost a child, but a 10 year old grandchild and this site has been a lifesaver for me. ((hugs)) Leah (JaBoa's Grandma)
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina, I am glad your starting to feel better, I hope that they get the meds sorted to keep doing you the best. My heart is with you as you prepare for your mom's funeral. I had to do the same 2 years ago and it was extremely hard, especially while being sick. My heart goes with you and pray you stay strong alone with your family.