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rlolheiser

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About rlolheiser

  • Rank
    JaBoa's Grandma

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    ND
  • Loss Type
    granddaughter
  • Angel Date
    10/30/06
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Susan and Dee.. thank you for the words. I am trying to remember that I can't do it all. So many years I did, and I know I am paying for it now with the health. The silence here today has been the hardest. I usually see Sena on facebook at least once a day. She doesn't realize she keeps me going.. I just want their happiness and I have to wait and see what happens. I really think that my daughter will finally look at time incarcerated this time. She has been lucky way to many times. She has done so much therapy. I wish she would have stayed with at least monthly therapy, but we have a mental health shortage here in western ND. I think that is why the addicts keep getting out of trouble so easy.. they need room for the so called more dangerous criminal.. but I believe the addict needs more help Anyway... thanks again to all of you... it has helped me get through a dark and lonely weekend. Hope everybody is doing alright.. as much as they can be
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you so much Kate... I owe you a lot, you have been there for me many times. I know you have a great deal on your plate, not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your family. ((hugs)) Hope all is well as can be. It has been so cold here in ND.. I am so not ready for winter to set in.. I hope we still see some warmer weather, we usually do, but people are predicting a harsh winter. Just gotta dig in and survive.. guess we all get that way. I think of all the devastation from the hurricanes and earthquakes and I guess I know I am fortunate. Just have my times I feel sorry for myself. I know I will get by, and I so appreciate leaning on people here. Even when they don't know I take their words of wisdom and try to appy them to my life.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tommy's mum, thank you for your kind words. Sena is 15 and Travis is 8. Both of them have lived so much of their lives away from their mom. Their fathers are not in the picture, they too have drug problems. Sena was in the accident that killed JaBoa and has been going through so much herself. I talk to her all the time on facebook and phone. This last couple years she has had a difficult time. She told me she is remembering so much about the accident (she was only 4) she wasn't hurt and it is hard for her to understand why she didn't die instead of her sister. I think it is survivors guilt, put that along with the hormones of a 15 year old girl and she is having a difficult time. I have tried to tell her mom she is not doing well, but I don't think it has helped. It is frustrating when you can't do something. I let her talk to me, and encourage her to talk to school counselors but I don't think she does. I think she is afraid it will hurt her mother. Travis is in my heart too.. we haven't been as close as I would have liked as the father hates me, and deliberately kept him from me for a time. The last few times the mom was in trouble, I was to sickly to do for him, where it was easier to care for the older one that could do some things for herself. I just feel like a failure.. and I know deep down I didn't do anything.. just really hurts to hear the little voices talking to me telling me they want to come be with me. I hope something can work out.. As for my daughter.. I don't know what I can do for her, I am so angry with her right now. I always try to be open and honest, and talk about her drug problems and offer support and encourage her to talk to somebody when the desire for Meth comes on. I know it is hard to be an addict... Right now I want to scream at her... somedays it has been so hard to even look at her cause I question so much about the accident.. They didn't do anything to her after it and I know she is tortured.. Its that accident.. it changed me totally.. I lost so much of me that day and putting me back together has been hit and miss and sometimes the pieces didn't go the right way and I have to restart... Again I am sorry.. it is a bad time for this to happen.. my boy is with his dad for the weekend out of town and it is just so quiet. I know there are so many here with new losses.. and the many who have been traveling this road for so very long. We all look for the answers, and sadly can't find them all the time.. just aren't any I guess. My heart remains faithful to prayers for you.. hopes for you... tears for you.. thank you for listening to me...
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    so frustrated again... JaBoa's mom got busted for Meth... she was here for a little bit, and left with Sena and her son.... and now my grandchildren are stuck in foster care and I don't know what to do for them. I know I can take care of Sena, but not sure I could for her brother, he is so much younger. I just had Sena last spring when she had gotten busted... and now again... I am sick to my stomach.... The social workers let her talk to me for about an hour on the phone.. how I wanted to hug her and tell her it will be ok. At least they are keeping them together for the weekend, after that I don't know what they will do. JaBoa's angel date is coming so fast... I miss her so much... when time was good.. and we didn't go into this Fall hell we are in. How long can kids keep putting up with life like this.. Wish I were younger and healthier.. but its just wishes.. wish JaBoa was here... doesn't make it happen... sorry... I am sitting alone and nobody to vent to...
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Been a while since I posted. I want to let you all know that I have read daily. My heart is here all the time. I read the new comers and my soul hurts for them. I remember the beginning of my travels through this broken life. I remember the day that I lost my JaBoa.. almost 11 years ago. It is strange the memories I have from that day because I have lost many memories these past years. The stress and sadness I let take over my life weakened the strong woman I was. I put my life on hold through the sadness, especially when I took mom in after the accident, and then life just seemed to keep piling more and more heartache and I just didn't know what to do. I went through the alcolhol, and over eating.. I stopped with the alcohol after a couple of people on this site talked with me and I am thankful, but I did not stop the over eating. In fact I imagine that when mom passed 2 years ago I even ate more. I became sick enough to call my family from out of state because they didn't think I was going to make it but I fooled them all. The dr told me that I was not going to live long, bad heart.. lungs.. and weighing in at 310 lbs at only 5"1/2" was going to kill me. My husband and I separated.. and I wanted to continue to be a mother for my son who was only 12. I started to prepare for weight loss surgery. I knew it could kill me or help. I left my trust to whatever happened. I figured for me it was the good Lord... and qualified for surgery on April 29th of this year. Some complications with hernia led to a bowel blockage and more surgery on May 4th. I was knocked down hard after that. losing weight slowly I am down 109 lbs.. and still losing. On July 18 I had to have another hernia surgery... and all the surgeries have played havoc with my memory. They call it brain trauma. I am fighting hard to come back, so afraid that I won't. Somedays I feel like the memories fade faster, except that day I lost my girl. I play it back a lot. It was the last kiss and hug I got from her. The most horrendous memory of knowing something was wrong even before being called. I guess I will keep that memory... at least I see her and hear her voice. Life has gone on with lots of dips of low and some high... I have 3 great grand children.. and I enjoy them when I can see them. I can't pick them up which saddens me. It has been a joy for the oldest to talk with me about JaBoa even though he never met her... or did he. He seems to know her.. and it doesn't bother him to talk about her.. I think that is great. Other members of the family think it strange and maybe even psychotic. I say who knows? I can't second guess... I am just always glad to hear of her. I talk about her.. I love her... she is one of my grandchildren even though I don't get to see her anymore. My family is a mess... I think I have finally gotten it through their heads I can no longer save them. I see less of them all the time. That is ok. It gives me more time to care for my son who turns 14 this year. I am half healthy and hoping for more. He deserves more from me and his father... I know JaBoa would be so happy with how he has turned out. I owe a lot to her, cause her memory has helped me to grow. Yes it is the grace of God I am still here... but it is the knowledge that I may get to see her again one day that I look forward to. Grief is not our friend.. but we learn to live with it. Somedays it hits hard like new.. and other days I can shake it off. I hope I never forget the lessons learned, and somehow my family catches up to me and becomes more aware of life and live it to your fullest... cherish it... cherish our love and loved ones... Thank you to everybody here. I continue to receive blessings by sitting silent. Dee, Sherry, Kate Colleen, Susan, Gretchen.. so many I can't name... I hope to continue reading for a long time and share from time to time that little girl (who would now be 21) Thanks for letting this grandparent feel welcome in the midst of parents.. I love each and every angel and am in awe of the love you have for each of them. They are proud of you
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    My heart and thoughts are with you today Dee .. your family and with Erica... but you are all with me everyday. You are a beautiful strong woman and your angel is so very proud of you. I don't post anymore... but I read always and walk with each of you through this journey. All the angel days and birthdays .. the sadness and the happiness.. I am going on my way to 11 years without JaBoa.. and this site has been such a help.. just to read the struggles and hopes of all hear makes me feel so not alone.. My health has declined over the years.. ups and downs.. but I still keep going.. to many people still depend on me.. sometimes I think that is what keeps me going yet keeps me down.. can't do without it though. My thoughts and prayers go with all the angels, parents and families. It is a difficult road to travel but we are all so much stronger than we want to be or ever thought that we could be.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    I have meant to write sooner. I do stop in to read and see so many new parents with their hearts broken. Indeed you have come to the right place.. as even though I am not here very often I have received a lot of care and comfort here. Today JaBoa would have been 21. She has been gone longer now than the time I was blessed to be her grandma here on earth. I still miss her as much as day one. It is so strange.. my great grand son talks about her all the time and insists that we are having his party with hers. He turns 4 on the 22. Everybody says they do not talk to him about her, but he swears he knows her and that we can't see her, but she tells him things all the time. I am not sure what I believe, but some of the stuff has been so right on he tells us.. I can't argue with him.. all I can say is innocence is great... and I am not going to question the wonders of the world. My life has gone through constant change.. and once again I am at the crossroads of JaBoa's mom being busted for Methamphetamine .. all I can say is this time.. my heart is truly broken. I have not contacted her. I went at once to get her daughter Sena who called me crying that she was alone and her mother was in jail. I wasn't gong to take the chance that she become a ward of the courts. I contacted her father ..got permission and took her home with me where she belongs. It will be hard, but I had to. My grandson though is still to young for me to give him proper care. He was with past foster parents. They took him a lot for my daughter.. a strange relationship. I loved him enough to let him be.. I can't care for him .. just not healthy enough. I don't know what the future will bring. I am on disability right now, unable to work.. I want so badly to work again. I keep hoping something goes right and my health improves. I have lost some weight.. the dr. told me I better if I want to live. I really do want to live so I will do whatever I need. My marriage hopefully will be dissolved by next month.. we make better friends than married. I still get to see my son whenever I want.. so that makes life good. I don't remember who I was at the time of the accident, but I think I have become a better person. I want my granddaughter to be proud of me.. I know that there are people all around me that have things worse and I have had to learn that... My goal in life is stop complaining. It is good to keep in contact here. Dee, Sherry, Kate, Susan, Gretchen.. so many more.. my memory is really become worse, Since being sick it has been one of the worst side effects of all things. Sometimes when I forget something somebody says.. I wake up a couple days later. thinking Oh.. right... that is correct... and I am happy that I finally remembered even if it is a late remembering. Not sure I make sense to anybody.. I just wanted to tell you I am still around.. quiet.. thinking of each of you and sending prayers.. crying.. laughing.. hoping that everybody find their footing in this world, its not easy.. but this site does make it a little easier to get through it.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Ten years ago, she was ten. I miss my granddaughter JaBoa.. she was so full of life. I will always miss her.. until maybe one day I will get to see her in the future. I get really messed up with thoughts anymore since my illness. I have a lot of problems holding on to memories.. and it frightens me to no end that I have lost so many with her. I have tried to get people to talk about her here.. but some reason it doesn't seem to work. I have loaded all the pictures I can of her on the computer, clinging to memories. I guess I should be happy that I have that... but even though the memories are fading.. I know the love I have for her isn't. The love I feel for her is as strong as ever.. as is the missing of this wonderful girl. With all this said, I am going to stop coming online. I wish you all well. So many of you have uplifted me in ways you will never know.. Dee, Sherry, others.. you welcomed me here in the beginning and you are amazing that you continue to help everyone. You will all be in my hearts along with your angels.. and I will remember that daily there are way to many people that will walk this path in the future. Angels are proud of us.. we carry on feeling so very empty, and it just takes awhile to figure out they are with us just not in the way we want. May you each feel love and happiness again.. it is what our cherished loves want for us
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    I am sorry that I don't post any more. I do read, and feel the despair and hopes in all the posts I read. I am getting by, still doctoring and still a lot of missing answers in my health. I can only say I get by. Thank you for inquiring .. I try hard to stay afloat in life.. some days are better than others as you all know. There is so much confusion in my head.. I still miss my sweet JaBoa as much as ever even after almost 10 years.. With the passing years I seem to have more anger instead of less and it is hard not to let it out. I have become mad with her mom.. she was driving... and I can't even confront her, and what good would it do if I did. Her life choices has taken a toll on me..still does as I watch her go through life with my grandchildren. Just confusing and not a peaceful place this thing called life. My heart breaks as I see all the new parents enter this pathway, and I hope you all take care of yourself. You are all on my mind daily as I read your posts and I travel silently with you praying you find peace. Our beautiful angels do walk with us one way or another, we just don't always understand. Thinking of you always
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thinking today of you Dee.. and your beautiful angel. Erica... so very loved... so very missed...
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee.. thank you for worrying about me... I know I should post more often but words don't come. I do think of you often and your angel.. You are so inspiring to everybody on this site. I think of all of the angels. At night I sit and watch the night skies.. and when the moon is at its brightest, remembering when JaBoa first passed and Sena and my boy telling me that she was on the moon... dancing.. with lots of other angels... so I watch it... wanting so bad to get a glimpse... wish I had a childs heart so I could see. This morning is a year since mom passed, it has been a hard road. I hear her voice so often.. makes me feel out of control at times. I have so enjoyed the pictures posted here. I just don't have a lot to say. I read everyone, and continue to hold you all in my heart. My health is still poor. I have my application for Social security benefits, not able to work. I am still being treated for everything.. CHF, COPD.. all of what mom had. Now they found something on my liver and it is more testing. Just kind of tired. My insomnia is kicked in terrible. My lung dr wants me to have a sleep study.. I finally got expanded Medicaid so I guess I will see what is up. The heat makes my breathing so tough I just go on anymore... making it one more day. I have also had to stop driving, at least anything in town. I get severe dizzy spells at red lights. Not sure what this is, but I know I have to share it with the doctor. I just don't want to lose my driving privileges.. so I hope it works itself out. My marriage is still at separation stage. I want to file for the divorce to be done with it. I just am not ready to give up on our son. I can't walk out on him and right now, I am allowed to live at the house and take care of him. It isn't much of a life, but being with my not so little guy keeps me wanting to go on. This site continues to grow with newcomers.. I hold them in my heart as they start this journey... all I can share is how important it is to take care of yourselves... health can be fleeting. we might not think things will happen to us.. but they do... and our angels really don't want it to be that way.. so take care... be kind to yourselves the best thing you can do for your angel Bless you all
  12. 3 losses within a few months

    mollymay.. my heart goes out to you. I do understand the multiple loss problem, more than I wish. I especially understand the feelings you are going through concerning your mum. I lost my mother last July. Her health had declined over several years, after a car accident that took my 10 year old granddaughter. About February last year she had to have a surgery which was really hard on her, we almost lost her then. I got her back home.. and we continued to work on her health.. until the dr. told me it was time for hospice. which is palliative care. I didn't understand what it consisted of. By this time it was June and I essentially feel I contributed to her death. There are times I still do. There is nothing worse than watching your parent slowly die.. and not be able to help. I still go in out of deep guilt and grief. I remind myself that there was nothing I could do. In many ways I am glad she got to pass quicker than I want and yet there are so many days I want her back. My heart hurts so very much.. but all I can do is tell myself and her.. I tried.. I tried to give her a peaceful life, pain free, filled with family around her. I know I did good.. because there is something we just don't have control over, our time here on earth. I am sure that you will continue to have grief, it is just what happens.. but don't let it overcome you. A step at a time, and take care of you. I am sure that your loved ones knew you cared, caring people show it whether or not they know. Your mum knew... just like mine.. we would have done anything to keep them from pain. Again, be kind to you... forgive yourself.. there really is nothing to forgive... you love... you love hard... may you find some peace and know you don't walk alone..
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Coleen .. wishing you a special closeness with Brian .. not just today but everyday
  14. Loss of grandson

    I am so sorry to read of your losses, it is such a difficult time. I lost my 10 year old granddaughter almost ten years ago. I found my site on the Loss of an Adult Child forum. They welcomed me while I was at my weakest. They continue to support me as I lost my mother last July. The road is hard and lonely and it is a place you can go to scream, cry.. and learn to put your life back together. I still have problems all these years later and they still welcome me. It is a wonderful place to share your angel.. I feel so blessed for all the parents and angels... knowing this group has given me support while I was at my worst.. If you don't want to share.. it is ok just to read.. go at your own pace, there are no rules for this journey. May you find some peace in your heart, I know it isn't easy.. but your not alone JaBoa's grandma... Leah
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    I think of you all daily.. trying to take in all the posts. It has been a little hard, I am still seeing specialists. Odd... I took care of mom with copd and chf.. I think I worked to hard on her and not on me..I have the same thing.. so I do hope that everybody gets that needed rest and self care everybody talks about we do have to go on.. and now I am finding it really hard. My heart goes out to all the struggle in this world.. so hard to understand it... to comprehend any of it. Sherry.. your angel is watching over you... I pray you have a special peace today.. everyday. I hope all the people on this site find a little peace... its a long hard road and lots of bumps.
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