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About rlolheiser

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    JaBoa's Grandma/ Leah

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  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you everybody for all the caring.. Kate.. I go to surgery next Wednesday.. so far so good, I went out of town today for guardianship court and now have complete care of Sena. It is the parents rights at sometime in the future to come back and try to take her back, but I doubt they will. I got to see my little grandson.. breaks my heart.. he should be here with me... bad feelings here.. I feel cheated.. Sena wants her brother.. I guess only time will tell. I will keep you informed.. going to go to bed.. tired out, been a long day.. Bless you all
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Just a quick update. I haven't felt the greatest here, and so much to do. We got a mini blizzard Wednesday and it left my driveway blocked in. It took me several days to get it cleared, especially with not feeling the greatest. Sena helped a little bit, but guess I am to picky and want it done right, so I kept going over what she did. Bless her heart. My son has been out of town with his father, so we were quite alone. I am feeling better, the ER had sent me to a surgeon here in town, and nobody wants to operate, they want me to go to my previous surgeon since I am kind of messed up inside with previous surgeries. So I went to my appointment and she will do it a week from today. I am sorry I haven't comented.. I am reading, I enjoy reading even the sad posts.. wish I could hug each and everyone of you. You all touch people in so many ways.. Dee.. Kate.. Sherry.. Coleen.. Susan.. Dianne.. Louanne.. Lesley.. Gretchen.. those I haven't named (getting so forgetful)... Hearthurt and Niques mom.. this site is such a blessing.. In all the heartbreak there has been strength of angels. Thinking of you all Leah
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    not up to writing a lot. I dprnt most of the night in the hospital.. It was niht of pain... I have to see the surgeon tomorrow..for gal bladder .. I have to get it done asap. not sure shen I will get the surgery.. soon as i can. I just don[t feel well... will write more when I can.. peace to all
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you for the positive thoughts Dee, Louanne Lesley.... I know the kids are the most important consideration right now. It is so very hard on Sena .. She has told me her concerns of choosing here rather than staying closer to her mom. I try to tell her, that mom is free to come visit or call... I am only trying to get her life started .. come March at the magic age of 16 they await the next step of 18 and my little girl isn't ready, no matter how much she thinks she is. She has crushes as other teens... she tries to act sophisticated.. but the little girl sneaks out more than she realizes. I am so glad to have her here with me... she hugs me when she leaves for school.. when she comes home.. when she goes to bed.. she hugs me for no reason whatsoever except that she finally has her affection back that she has been lacking. I think the touch is important to her. I learned with my son he didn't like the touching after a certain age.. it is ok once in awhile.. and I am the only one that gets by with it.. but Sena is the exact opposite. We sit and watch tv and she cuddles up.. and I see that 3 year old baby from the accident.. the one that still holds her hair and the thumb goes in her mouth. Don't know how to break of that habit.. we had her done with it for awhile when she was younger.. but I see it again and I don't want to yell at her a lot.. sometimes I call it to her attention... hey kiddo.. what is that thing doing in your mouth?? and she smiles.. and takes it out.. but minutes later it is back in... I love her so much.. she is working hard in school and her bitterness over school is starting to disappear.. for her I know I have done right. Her brother though.. I fear I will lose. He is still being taken care of by his old foster family and they are planning on taking on guardianship. I have made my wishes known that I would love to have him with me. But.. I don't think they will even entertain the thought... so I have to be happy with the phone calls.. I will visit him again on the 18th.. hopefully our weather will settle down for travel. I still hate the trip back there... I think sometimes I am the only one who remembers the spot of the accident. I would love to get it out of my mind when we go through.. but I have a panic attack.. dumb.. but it is still there. Dee.. you are so right.. I wasn't looking forward to the winter.. it just plays hard on my lungs.. and my heart Louanne.. I am thinking of you hoping that your pain eases. It is really hard to lose a parent.. Even when we know it is coming.. and we are older... it still stings.. I know I take comfort knowing JaBoa is with her grandparents.. they were so close. I hope everybody is staying healthy.. the cold gets tough on the body.. we are expecting another drop in the temps.. hopefully we don't get into the way below zero again.. Not the way we were... just can't stand that.. but guess we have no control of it :-) Thanks again for being here.. for sharing your hearts and most of all for sharing your angels.. You are all in my heart
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    I got some meds and am on the upward climb again. It has taken a lot out of me to stay focused on getting Sena settled into school and all the meetings Social Services has had for me. They still don't know what they are doing. I have a slug of paperwork that is on hold until the 19th. There is a guardianship court day on the 18th, and if all goes well I will have complete care of her. My daughter took a plea deal and the judge dropped her felony to a misdemeanor. I have mixed emotions. She will have 3 years supervised probation and if further arrests are made she will serve 1 year in jail. Now she tells me she wants to fight to get her kids back. I told her I will fight to keep Sena here until at least May.. I am to tired out to keep doing this fighting. My thoughts are with you all.. Louanne.. Dianne .. Georgina .. Tina... Dee.... Kate.. Sherry.. Susan.. Gretchen..Colleen.. Bob... Parker's Mom... Lesley.. anybody I forgot.. I apologize.. hopefully as I feel better I will keep in contact more.. Take care of yourselves.. its hard.. thank you for all your thoughts and prayers Leah
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thinking of you Louanne.. I know it is a difficult time even when you think your ready.. no words help but know we are all here. I haven't been feeling to well... I think I have been out and about to much, my lungs just aren't getting better this time. I think it will be another visit to the dr. It has been nice having Sena here. on the 18 of January they want me to go to court for guardianship. It is a big step to take but I guess I will do it.. I want so much to do right by her. Thinking of you all.. just not up to writing... thanks to all those who wished me well with my health and Sena.. all the thoughts and prayers are so very much appreciated. Hopefully I will feel better and write more at another time.. Bless you all
  7. Mitty, I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like your mom is a wonderful lady. I am much older than you and buried my mom 2 and a half years ago. It was extremely hard. I took care of her for so very long, and throughout my life it was a love hate relationship. If you are in charge of the funeral I would do it the way you feel most comfortable. Our loved one is already gone and the aftermath is for those left behind. I believe that funerals mean so many different things to people. Some use it to say goodbye, some use if to make themselves look good, some even use it to be mean. I know it is difficult, but let it be what you want it to be. If others want to come, it is hard to stop it. You know what you and your mom mean to each other, what others are doing there is so insignificant, unless you know that they are there to show you real support. People who are not genuinely attending somebody's memorial with a true heart have to face up to their creator in the future. It is more stress than you need to deal with. Don't let anybody take the importance of remembering your mom and turn it into something it isn't. You are there to love and honor her and hopefully other people are there to show respect to her and your family. Maybe they are there out of guilt. It is not for us to know and you don't want to make a difficult time even more difficult. Love your mom.. be there for your family and those who truly care and to the devil with the rest of them. (sorry.. my old age has made me speak my mind) For myself, I have already let my loved ones know I don't want anything done.. I am a simple woman and those who love me have made it known. Say a prayer and be happy, for I will be. Your going through a tough time, you need to be kind to you and remember your joys.. remember the mother that she is. In your heart she will always be. I guess I am saying is don't let the specifics of who attends change the fact that you are proud to be her daughter, and as she watches over you continue to be the woman she loves and adores and don't let petty differences ruin this time of remembrance. It is hard enough and I hope and pray you the strength to get through it. To be kind to yourself.. I will be thinking of you.. God Bless
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Mama Bear... so very saddened for your loss.. I can't imagine.. No words to soften anything.. just a helping heart that I give to you.. not that you can feel it, but I offer it. Glad you are here to scream, laugh, cry.. and maybe one day laugh. You need to time to grieve to get back to some type of a normal life. Not always is it done it quiet.. I lost my granddaughter 11 years ago and I still lose it from time to time. There isn't a rule book we are given but everybody will tell you to take some time for you... Share with us when you can.. or just read. Tinay I am so proud of you for reaching out.. your amazing.. your angel is so proud of you also.. You have come a long way. ((hugs)) Louanne.. I do understand the depths of your grief.. and how it feels sometimes without warning. We can't run away from it. I know sometimes when I am in the strangest places that grief hits like a ton of bricks.. but we gotta carry on for ourselves and our angel.. even when we don't want to carry.. on... its just a must we care so much for you.. I know it isn't easy and I am proud you made it... I hope you find easier ways.. some help.. and keep up.. your angel is close by... I know it isn't the way we want.. but it is sadly the way it is. I just got back from Williston.. tired out.. they called last night and emailed this morning.. I have Sena here with me. She is so excited. The trip was fast as I can't stand to be out at night. My vision is just so bad at night.. My son and his father traveled with me and we got to see Travis.. he doesn't understand why his sister is leaving.. and he can't.. I love him so.. I hope my daughter stays close to him. I am beat tonight.. The picture i posted is my great grandchildren.. we brought our great grandson back to be with his grandma for awhile, his parents will come up soon and spend Christmas with my oldest daughter.. I am thinking of everybody and so appreciate you all... I gotta close up... kinda not feeling great.. want to get some rest.. I just wanted to share the good news I have my Sena.. I know JaBoa would be happy. I know you all are as well.. I thank you all for your prayers and good wishes.. You all are so very wonderful to be around in my time of needing friends.. thank you I wish you all a Merry Christmas.. if I don't get back on before Monday... Be kind to yourselves... and close your eyes.. feel your angels love.. its there I know it is.. I feel my girl... goodnight all
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    just wanted everybody to know I am alright.. been sick as usual... got some medicine this time that will hopefully kick it. I also cracked a rib.. don't understand how.. the only thing I did was mop the kitchen floor.. not able to do it on my knees as the pain is to much so I scooted around on my belly. That is what the dr thinks I did.. me I don't know ,,, I hate to think of breaking that easy.. I tell you.. the pain in the rib is terrible... the dr said it is hair line and may have a pulled muscle with it... he says to just leave it alone unless it gets worse.. I am a pansy.. can't hardly take it anymore... used to be able to take pain a lot. Recently we lost one of my brother in law... he was really a wonderful person.. Even though I am not close to my husband anymore I stood by him for strength.. sometimes it what I do best. I know that Christmas is hard for some. I know it isn't the same for me as it used to be. My son never was into the decorations of Christmas... we usually do the tree and that is about it. I don't mind the season.. just can't stand the hustle and bustle at the stores. It sounds like the great grandkids won't be making it here. I was looking forward to seeing them.. but I just want them happy. hoping the picture I attached shows.. We had a snow storm pass through yesterday.. we were on the tail end.. didn't get much of anything but the wind. By Christmas they say it will be much colder.. time to hibernate. I am waiting on a phone call from Child Protective Services. They were supposed to call yesterday. Sena decided she does want to come back here to live so I have to finish up as much as I can here. I hate not knowing if they are letting her come or not. I have to go get her at a moments notice if I want her. The storm hit them harder North of us and I hate the trip going there. It is the route we lost JaBoa.. I hate driving through there in the winter especially. I am thankful for so many things.. as well as my bouts of depression. I know I could have it a lot worse. I really am thankful to be able to come here to this site to read all of you. Dee, Sherry, Kate, Susan Lesley, Louanne, Sandy, Diane, Gretchen, Georgina, Coleen,Tina all the wonderful people here who share their pictures and stories.. I apologize for names I missed.. my mind seems to hold less and less each day.. that in itself scares me.. but I am keeping it monitored by the dr. Anyway.. I hope that you all stay strong through the season.. hold tight to your angels.. your loved ones.. your self.. You are all so very important
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Just wanting you all to know I am fine.. been really stressed.. but it will pass.. just not feeling good. I probably will go back to the dr.. but there is so much flu and stuff around here.. they aren't giving out antibiotics.. just keep sending people home to get over whatever... and I have met a few that aren't getting over it. Kate.. thinking of you.. sending you love and peace for you and Ross.. may you feel the grace of your angel Jeff... always present.. always loved. I have been reading.. and do appreciate all.. prayers for you all to get through the holidays.. we hold our angels close.. and continue to make them proud. Hope your all feeling better soon
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sherry, Dee, Leslie, Sandy, Diane, Cheryl, Kate, Laurie, Georgina, Tina Gretchen .. also to everyone I haven't mentioned.. my heart is thinking of our angels... been a sleepless night. I will see the dr on Tuesday.. I am taking it easy this weekend... I passed the home study yesterday.. and now we wait to see what they are willing to do for the family. I did it for Sena.. for JaBoa.. one battle at a time. Wish I knew the future but we aren't allowed to see that. I want nothing but good things for my family.. guess if I had my way they would all be under my roof and I could protect them. It doesn't work that way either.. Besides.. I had them all here once and I know that didn't help me at all.. didn't help them either... I just pray that everybody finds their way.. finds peace.. finds love.. nothing is easy.. but we gotta go one foot at a time. Thank you all for your thoughts.. going to try to go back to sleep..
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    finally made my dr appointment Tuesday morning :-( should have called sooner. Thanks Dee.. it is hard for her... I hope Friday comes and goes quickly Laurie, thanks.. Sena is the oldest, she is only 15.. she is growing fast but she still has the heart and a lot of characteristics of a child. I think I might have been a little overprotective of her over the years.. Diane, thinking of you.. Kate, Sherry.. everybody.. thanks so much for caring. I am just waiting for it all to fall apart. My daughter came to visit yesterday... I fear everytime she is on that road.. she never stayed long, but she is looking healthy, she still doesn't have a court date. I wish so much it was all settled.. wish the judge said they all had to live with me.. (though I know that opens a new door to stress) My two granddaughters from another daughter have been fighting publically on face book.. breaks my heart. I jumped them both public... told them to basically grow up... they are the only sisters they have.. I won't let them put me in the middle.. as it is.. Sena has seen the fight and it hurts her soul.. she said to me.. Grams.. I would do anything to have my sister back.. and they are wasting time fighting with each other. I told her sometimes adults misbehave.. I asked her not to get involved.. just told her that sometimes adults do childish things.. The wind is terrible here.. expecting 60 mile an hour gusts.. this old house rattles so much anyway... I hope everyone is safe.. .. at peace.. and health continues..
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate, happy you are still here. You are always write words that stick to my heart. Dee and Kate.. I am still not feeling real well. I know I am catching something, not sure I will make it til after the social workers. They called me yesterday afternoon and cancelled, they said they had an out of town appointment that was forgot. I feel like I get the run around. Not sure it will even make a difference. Sena is so tore up inside about staying there so she can see her mom and brother.. and so much of her wants to be here. Right now she is thinking of staying there... but I want to finish the home study in case something happens and she needs me.. so hopefully Friday I will have them out of my brain... sure wish there were handbooks on what to do. Tina so sad to hear how things are going. I sincerely hope that your job search lands you something you enjoy.. You may not feel like it but your doing amazing.. like Dee said, you came home to work out your resume.. that is a big step and your girl is right by your side. Laurie..so very glad to hear about your grandson.. he looks like quite the charmer.. Thinking of you Georgina.. I am bad with dates.. but my thoughts are with you. I think I am going to lay down a bit.. hope everyone is doing as well as they can.. hard time of year
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley, I am thinking of you .. I hope that you find your footing again. It is difficult when things bring us back down.. sometimes I feel it is one step forward and two back. I know it isn't easy and I pray your angel gives you the strength you need to carry on, along with our friendships on this site. Tina, I think of you too.. knowing that the road your traveling is difficult so many ups and downs. I believe you will find your place in life again, it just won't be the same as it was. Nothing remains the same.. it is a different way.. not the way we chose.. but the way it is. May you feel your angel about you to guide you on this new road.. and I hope that this site brings you some relief for there is so many parents that are walking beside you. Kate, I will miss reading your words, I have appreciated them all throughout our time on this site. I am glad your at a point you are stronger.. and I hope that you and hubby stay safe and strong. You will always be in my heart
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, thank you so much. I have been fighting this alone. I haven't felt I was able to go to the dr yet. I have stated to them that I am not currently doctoring and I really try to be honest, so I hope that if I am not doing better by Tuesday I will go in. I get my strength built up for the day but by night I hurt and feel so bad.. might be wrong.. but just can't dr until the visits are over. I keep hoping it goes away but am sure I will need something to kick it. It shouldn't last this long. All in all though.. I am doing alright. Holidays are bittersweet.. our angels are missed, but they want us to go on.. and I do that for my whole family.. I have to be the best me I can be. Hope everybody is well, I do think of you always. I sure do love to read your writings Dee.. Thank you for being you.