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lostinguilt

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About lostinguilt

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  • Birthday 11/30/1964
  1. I lost my father on 9/20

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too just recently lost my my father, well I say recently, it has been since January, 2010. It still feels like yesterday. He was just starting to enjoy living life again after losing his mother, sister and wife within a six day span five years ago. That was a very trying time for him and it seemed like there was no way to help him return to life, then one day I guess he just decided he was going to make the best of the rest of his life. I think the fact that he was actually enjoying life again is the hardest to swallow and also the only comforting part of his passing. My father also died from a stroke, which was a complication from the mild heart attack he had the previous week. The entire family was caught by surprise and I have seen some very unexpected and surprising outbursts and emotions come from my brothers and sisters. Everything from unexpected kindness to some absolutely hurtful behavior that almost tore the family apart. It's hard to understand how after all of the stress and pain my brothers and sisters are still even speaking to each other. I am also having to handle all of his affairs and agree it is very difficult to even begin taking care of it. It seems like everything around me reminds me of Dad and it's almost too much to bear sometimes. I have managed to take care of a lot of the legal stuff, somehow. I know this is a very difficult time and it seems overwhelming...what am I saying? it IS very overwhelming, the emotions, the loss and the added responsibilities can make the simple things seem like the impossible. What helps me the most, I think? is just the simple things. Just knowing that I am not the only one going through this and that others have made it through somehow helps a little. I know that in the first month after we lost Dad I tried to be the strong one in the family and I did a pretty good job of it until I had to go through some of his things for all of the legal stuff, then it was like I was a little kid again, sneaking into Mom and Dads room. I think that was when I really lost it emotionally and physically. Ever since that moment the breakdowns have come often, usually when I am alone and feel like I could use some of his patience and sense of humor. Anyway, I was trying to maybe reach out a little and it ended up becoming more of a personal storytelling than the support I was intending to give. All I can really say for sure is that this stuff really hurts bad and has knocked me down pretty low. Which makes me realize that it must be the similarities that made me feel like I had to post something. I hope that things get better for you soon...
  2. My heart is breaking all over again today. I just wish I could put my feelings plainly. It is like there is some kind of short circuit between my heart and my brain. I think that all is going to be ok one day and the next it is like I am on the brink of disaster. If only I could find a noble raft that would keep me afloat against the waves of pain and guilt. I have slipped into my own personal darkness again. In my mind the logic is irrefutable "it is not my fault" I could not prevent this thing from happening to you. But my heart, my broken and torn heart refuses to accept the logic and insists that I could have done...........something more. Even one more hour or one more day or month or year could have made the difference. Maybe? just one more rehab or the right counselor just one more embrace. Then my mind tells me "you spent the better part of three years trying to bring her back from her own destruction feel satisfied that you did all you could". Perhaps it is the manner in which she was taken. The horror and violence of it all. Maybe just maybe that is why I am having such a rough time with my choices and moving through this blackness. My physicians, and I use that term loosely, tell me that one of my biggest reasons for my "issues" now are that I never really dealt with losing her the first time. I really cannot fathom this as I was almost as much of a wreck then as I am now. The biggest difference from then to now is that I used to have .......... hope. Hope for some kind of a future with Jennie. Hope for her ability to heal herself. Hope for my broken heart. I guess it could be called denial????? But it was hope. Now in this life I have no such hope. My only hope now is for some kind of a new beginning. Something new and alien without ties to the past. That hope is at this moment unthinkable as the past is more concrete to me than the present. "Here Without You" 3 Doors Down A hundred days have made me older Since the last time that I saw your pretty face A thousand lies have made me colder And I don't think I can look at this the same But all the miles that separate Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face I'm here without you baby But you're still on my lonely mind I think about you baby And I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby But you're still with me in my dreams And tonight it's only you and me The miles just keep rollin' As the people leave their way to say hello I've heard this life is overrated But I hope that it gets better as we go I'm here without you baby But you're still on my lonely mind I think about you baby And I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby But you're still with me in my dreams And tonight girl its only you and me Everything I know, and anywhere I go It gets hard but it wont take away my love And when the last one falls When it's all said and done It gets hard but it wont take away my love I'm here without you baby But you're still on my lonely mind I think about you baby And I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby But you're still with me in my dreams And tonight girl its only you and me
  3. Claudia...... I am so sorry My intentions were not to injure someone else with my own self doubt. I am still just a mass of confusion and pain and I sure dont want to make anyone else have to feel the same. I am glad that you have the faith to look forward and to the more positive. I know it has been a while since I posted. The last few weeks have been very crazy and unsettling. The exploratory surgery went well, I guess???? I am not going to get into details but it could be worse. So I am ok with the lot handed me at the moment. To put it vaguely, I have a long row to hoe ahead of me. This day is one of the roughest days I have had since I found out Jennie was gone. This is the day we met. I woke up this morning so emotional and so out of sorts. Its like I spent all night with the nightmares again. I woke up crying, I dont know why, other than I miss her. This one song just keeps playing over and over in my head it is a great song but, it just makes me so melancholy. I dont know if you have ever heard it but it is "Here without you" by 3 Doors down. Really dont know how to go about this day. Purposeless. One good thing did come out of me going in for surgery. My sons are now speaking to me again. We still have a lot of work to do but I think they are starting to understand that I was just trying to protect them from the harsh reality of our situation. maybe not perhaps they are just learning to accept the things that were and things that are. I dont know. It really doesn't really matter. I am just grateful for the chance to be Dad again. Is that selfish?????? sure sounds selfish when I write it. Well look here I think I just found a little purpose. I won't get to see them today but just the thought is something to hold on to. But then again If I think about it too much it just gets me wondering, why? Did you know that those boys are the only thing that helped me keep it together when me and Jennie were having so much trouble? They were everything I worked for when I didnt think I could make it another day without Jennie. All through the rehabs the feelings inadequacy the divorce and all the fallout the the divorce caused, they were my reason. Now that I have completely lost Jennie it seems I have lost my reasons and the love of my boys. Oh they are still there and I love them dearly but they will never return to the closeness that we used to have. Shoot there I go again. I just cant keep up with this. My emotions are just on a rampage today. Wish I could go riding today. I tried a couple of days ago but I am still in a little too much pain for all of that. besides I made my 'wounds' bleed again. I just want to say thank you for being there for me. all of you thinkin of yall
  4. Well I am better now. I coudnt take the pressure the fear and the insecurity so I hopped on my scooter and went for a two day ride. Sure blew the cobwebs out of my head. I stink, my body hurts but my mind is CLEAR. I had almost forgotten what it was like to get in the wind and just let go of the the world and BE. Simple existance, the sound of the wind the road and my motor. No fear, no questions, no regrets, no remorse, no GUILT. My last post, now that I read it, seems a little desperate and I think I must have been very close to, if not in the middle of, a breakdown of somekind. This is the kind of thing I was talking about before. I have never been the kind of person that needed a lot of hand holding and??? whats the word ?? well, outside help. I have always been so strong and independant. But after I lost Jennie, the way it happened, all of the circumstances leading up to her death, and everything that has transpired since, seem to have me second guessing my every move. To be honest I dont think I have ever felt this insecure about myself. Even as a pimply faced short scrawney nerdy teenager I felt more sure about myself then than I do now. Maybe that is a lot of the problem???? I am still afraid to go and see the doc again but I know I have to and I will next week. Scared stiff I guess would be a better way to put it. You ever wonder what it feels like to be a deer caught in the headlights? I think I am pretty close to that. Its almost like the relief of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and then finding out that it is really a freight train hurtling down the tracks at you. Makes me want to jump on my scooter again and just ride away. thank you all for the replies. Claudia, I do know about faith I was raised in a very religious family I went to school as a young adult to become a minister, and yes most of my questions are plainly answered by the Christian faith. Sometimes, I almost wish I still held the faith, but I lost mine a long time ago. So, I will not pursue this train of thought any further except to say hold on to yours. Maybe down the road we can talk of it sometime but right now I couldn't give you a rational discusion about any kind of faith base. Well that was way deeper than I was expecting to go with this today. I just want all of you to know that I am ok, still freaking out, but ok. I havn't done anything really stupid, well it seems like I am doing a lot of really stupid things all of the time, just nothing dangerously stupid :/ thinking of y'all
  5. Well I am at a complete and total loss of what to do or who to be anymore. I may be seeing Jennie sooner than I thought....... Seems that the Doc doesn't think that I have pneumonia anymore, but the x-rays clearly show something sooooo.... they are talking operations and such nonsense. Thing is, I am afraid to go find out for sure. I just dont know if I still have the will to fight anything like this. Hell I dont even know what this is yet. **** I am scared. I would almost rather go and find her, but........ What if I cant find her in the next place. what if I wait to long and she forgets me. What if.......................................... I miss her so much but I am just not ready to go yet. It almost seems like I am being tested somehow. This test? .................I will fail. I just miss her and I am not sure if I can take many more ass kickings. In The words of Paul MCartney and John Lennon "Let it be". Stick a fork in me I am done!!!! If you can't tell there is a little alcohol involved in this post. I have just dealt with the death of my soulmate, the wrath of my sons, and now it seems I may be dealing with my own mortality. I am a little drunk right now. call me a coward, say what you will, but I am scared and I am dealing with this the best I can. I guess I better find me a new place to seek guidance and some understanding. I wonder if there is a "really freaking scared" forum somewhere? thinking of yall. and thanks for everything. Take care and may you all find peace in your own way and time. I pray that I am not the goofy ass that ruins any kind of hope for anyone else but I wouldn't be posting here If I didn't feel the need.
  6. I am going insane here. The doc told me I had to stay in bed for a few days since I refused to go to the hospital. So I am trying to be good and not do anything but I just have too much time on my hands. So I have been reading and spacing out into the tv. Besides my ribs have been hurting to much to do anything. Shoot it even hurts to cry. (Go figure, hurts to cry, hurts not to cry) I must say the antibiotics the pain medication and the antidepressants make me sleep like a log. I almost forgot what it was like to get any real sleep. No nightmares! no dreams of any kind thankfully. I think that this slow down is kind of a good thing. At least maybe it will give me the opportunity reflect on my own situation and set some priorities and perhaps a goal or two. The problem with being sick and wounded :? well it justs makes me miss Jennie even more. Too much time on my hands. Too much time to think about the way things were, the good and the bad, and about the way things could have and should have been. Wouldn't it be cool if we all got one do-over in this life? No I guess it wouldn't I still would wonder if I was using it for the wrong thing and probably would never use it. I cant seem to find the words to express what I am feeling today. Guess I am going to go to sleep again Thinking of y'all
  7. Bette I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please take care of yourself while you are going through this I know it is hard to even think about but take care of YOU. I seem to have failed at this job, even after Claudia and Aurora both warned me about it. I had to go to the doc today and it seems that I have lost about 40 lbs in the last month or two, not very healthy, and I now have pneumonia plus a couple of cracked ribs from coughing so hard. That is a hard combination to deal with. The doc wants to admit me to the hospital but I just cant afford it. This is all because I havn't paid any attention to what my body has been telling me. You have to eat when you are hungry no matter if food seems to have no flavor any more or not. You have to sleep when your body tells you too even if the nightmares are too much to handle. I not only am an emotional wreck but now I am physically falling apart. Its almost like I am punishing myself subconciously, considering how I have felt about Jennie I really wouldn't pass it off as just my imagination. please take of yourself
  8. Well this has been a tough week! I won't go into any great detail but it seems that I have just forgotten how to function altogether. Almost seems like all of my emotions have taken over and there is nothing left of my rational side. I cant seem to get anything done..... shoot, I cant seem to get anything started. Its like trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together with half of the pieces missing. Bills are late, it seems like I am always late for work, I lose everything in plain sight, speaking of losing things I was talking to my sister on my cellphone the other day. We were just having a light conversation, kind of avoiding the grief, when she asked me if I had somebody's phone number. I told her that I had it but I would have to look it up. No problem right? .............. wrong! for the next ten or fifteen minutes I was muttering under my breath and tossing things around, basically making a big fuss. After a while of this, while I was talking to my sister, she asked me what the heck was my problem? Why was I fussing so much? Well by this time I was extremely frustrated and I just yelled at her............. I CAN'T FIND MY STUPID PHONE!!!! She laughed so hard she peed her pants. It was funny in a way but that is how everything is going right now. I am just barely hanging on and everything that I used to understand I cant make sense of anymore. thinking of y'all
  9. .........thank you Claudia! I must have read over your previous post 8 or 9 times. I understand that what you are saying is true.........in my heart however, I just cant seem to get past the 'ownership'? logically it all makes sense but emotionally........nothing makes sense. What funny animals we are.
  10. I am so alone! There is nothing left. My sons have left to live with grandparents and i am alone absolutly alone. I don't guess I can blame them for wanting to leave but there was always hope. I think I have chased off everyone that I have ever cared about. Jennie's parents have been great, superficialy, through all of this but somehow I feel like they are wanting to see me fall because................they feel I am resposible for her death. Or they somehow feel that I could have saved her somehow?????????? Her parents are part of the group that assured me that leaving her was the best thing for her? Now I wonder. They sure have been cold lately. Is it just me? Or are they wanting me to go through the same pain and loss that Jennie felt when I took the boys from her? I know I am not thinking very clear right now so maybe this is all in my head and everything is going to be ok tommorrow........or maybe not, I am just lost and wondering is this for the best? Could I have been so mislead that I couldn't see for myself what really needed to be done. Am I just that selfish? Somehow I feel Like I should be around them on and about Mothers day. I just don't know what to to think anymore. I just hurt. It feels like I have lost everything because I couldn't think on my own.
  11. Coping with a Sudden or Violent Loss

    It has taken me a little while to be able to actually post anything of substance in this topic as everything in my life seems so unresolved. I have been reading quite a few of the posts and......Well shoot, ..........I still don't know how to get past my own issues. I guess I am going to just come out with it. The bottom line is I recently lost the love of my life to drugs, some choices that I made, and some choices she made. I am so torn between the guilt of leaving her to the wolves, so to speak, and the absolute hate of the 'wolf' who killed her for her choices.............. I am sorry for constantly tripping all over my words....... I think I am just being too vague. I AM NOT A HATER, but I feel this malignancy building I just want to see them hurt like they made her hurt. Is this more guilt? I should have never let her go. It seems to me that the circumstances of her death are a direct result of the choices that I have made. The guilt is absolute. What is bothering me right now is the hate. My first love, the mother of my children, the woman I vowed on the altar to be her everything, was murdered because I could not uphold that vow. Now I feel this hate towards the person that killed her. That hate, and my guilt are making me question my very existence and humanity. Is my hate and anger really just more guilt? Has anyone gone through these types of feelings? I guess that would be a silly question. Do they go away? I don't want to hate.
  12. "The following are some simple suggestions to help you move on with your New Year, to find a new sense of grace and perhaps a new you. There are ways to move on with dignity, to give up that person you have lost without anger, and to find a loving way of letting yourself move on. Use this New Year to present yourself with a new way of living!" By I forget who already I just read this on the home page and it sort of?....... pisses me off. My goal? is NOT to give up that person with dignity, or not, or anger, grace or even moving on. This kind of psycho- babble is exactly what makes people lose who they are and give up altogether. This is like the same crap! I hear all of the time. Its not!!! about moving on, or letting go, its about coming to terms with the life! and the lose of such, in whatever circumstances. I am so sick of people telling me how it should be and how I should be feeling. (If you haven't guessed I visited the counselor today, what a freaking joke, )Why would I want tips or help to feel the way that someone else thinks I should. I FEEL!!!!!!!!! bad, guilty, sorrow, loss, just plain hurt, why would I want to let someone project their feelings on me? my feelings are who I am and why I am who I am. (**** I can barely make sense of that statement). In the wise words of Claudia I am tripping all over my tongue. I think that I am just a little bit selfish here but, these are MY feelings and I feel the way that I feel. period! Meds suck, councilors suck, hell life sucks. It seems like we exist just to die. Why? What purpose could that ever serve?....................Oh yeah I did do something positive today. I went and got tattooed. My avatar? well, that is now on my calf, just a small memorial of my fallen angel and her personal hell. And no more meds. I sure hope that y'all can stand all of my venting, this seems to be the only thing that lets me sleep at night. I miss her, her voice , her breath in my ear, the touch, the joy of discovery together, the arguments and confrontation, the good times the bad times, just to know that she was there was enough, I miss every minute of it. Why did I have to let her go??????? Now I don't even have a choice. Shoot......... I just plain miss her being a part of me.
  13. Thanks Claudia I know that they were just reaching for something or someone. For the moment we are all ok. I think? I am not so sure that their anger is so misplaced. I have not been completely honest with my sons about their mother and now it is coming back to bite me in the butt. I honestly thought that Jennie and I would have the chance to explain it to them together, later.......... I went to the doc on monday he put me on some pretty heavy anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. Probably shouldn't be sharing that one but I have already about bared my soul to y'all anyway. I doubt I will be taking them very long as they make me feel like a zombie. I would rather feel everything all at once than nothing at all. I have to admit now that I am looking at this situation from a overly medicated perspective. I think I am going to have to get some extra help on this one. My entire life I have always been the strong one in the family. Always have I been there when anybody needed me. Even when my Mother, Grandmother and Aunt passed away I was one of the few that kept everything together that week and handled most of the arrangements. I was still upset and needed my time to cope but I was still able to function normally, whatever that means??? Now I cant eat, sleep, think,... or do anything unless I am so medicated I cant feel anything. Is this how addiction starts? ........That question right there scares me. I think I am done with the meds. I have to just find a different way. thinking about y'all and take care now.
  14. Aurora I am so sorry. I cant imagine the emotional issues. Of course that is not saying much I cant even fathom what is happening to my own self. life has taken on a strange color these days. Nothing makes too much sense anymore. I guess I am just trying to find answers to the wrong questions or something. Thanks for the encouragement doug. All I seem to have right now is writing. I was right about my sudden life altering realization yesterday. Today my sons and I were supposed to spend some time together at the jazz festival. I was looking forward to getting out and seeing some new faces for a change. They both needed to talk apparently, because they told me that they didn't want to go but, would stick around the house with me. Well that's good enough for me I love it when we get to spend time together. They really needed to vent! Again I was hit hard (just as hard as yesterday) as they were letting me know how very angry they were with me for not telling them about their mothers "problems", and why I didn't try to help her instead of throwing her away. At first I became angry. I didn't say anything but I was angry. I don't know why I didn't tell them all of the details about why their mother and I had to split up. Just too painful I guess? I sat there and listened without saying much, I just didn't have any way of defending myself. It never dawned on me that they would blame me as much as I do myself. They are hurting too, I realized this after a little while and just let them vent. I understand most of what they trying to say but.................. whew. This is where it gets hard..........I tried to tell them that I love her, that I love them, and it was ok........................I know that they are probably going through some of the same issues but, I just am broken, broken heart, broken spirit, just broken. When I offered them the love and tried to let them know.................They just told me they hated me and they are going out..................................... I just cant write anymore right now ...
  15. Coping with a Sudden or Violent Loss

    thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks that would be many thanks,..... in advance and I am really sorry for all of the loss I have recently been reading about.
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