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About butterfly10954

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  • Birthday 05/18/1964
  1. I Don't Know What To Believe...

    Well yes, I was raised Catholic, but also have come and gone and come and gone again from the church. But my background has always been one of faith, regardless of religion. My father died on July 4th of a heart attack, and I have really been doing a lot of self-examination since then..With the holidays approaching, I have been more depressed and have gotten really really low. And I realize that that is in part because I really don't know what I believe anymore. Do I believe that there is a heaven where we all go and where all of our suffering ceases? Or is my father now just lying in the cold ground somewhere and spending the holidays like that? SInce the latter is too difficult and painful to believe, I have been trying valiantly to convince myself that there IS a heaven. But none of us in my family, many of whom have experienced a loss due to death this past year, has had any kind of sign, at least not one to speak of. And if we did, are those actually signs, or just coincidences?? I have always been the one to say "yes, it is a sign, don't you see? They are ok, they are trying to let us know they are ok." But yet lately in my depressed state, I am not so sure anymore. I just don't know what to believe and this makes me really really sad...
  2. Special Events & Anniversary Dates

    I am so sorry it was so hard for you... But also what a sweet and special thing for you to receive that birthday call...I know these calls well, as my mother always has done that same thing along w /my dad...I wonder if she'll remember to do it again this year.. Isn't it strange how things trigger us??? Cindy
  3. Special Events & Anniversary Dates

    Well the holidays are upon us already and all of a sudden I am feeling like s*&t.My father died in July, and although sometimes I feel I am doing ok, all of a sudden this grief thing sneaks up on me and hits me over the head as if to say \"OK stop pretending you\'re ok, everyone knows your not.\" The fact that I\'ve always been really emotional makes it even stranger that my father\'s death didn\'t completely destroy me. I have some bad days, but overall I am coping. I obviously have known CHristmas was coming and although I have known it would be a tough one, I have just been intellectualizing this, not really feeling it. But just tonight, I saw this Christmas commercial, and it showed this happy young woman going about decorating her house for the holidays, with wreath, tree the whole bit. And suddenly I felt so so sad. It was like this amazingly deep grief, nausea, depression and anxiety all hit me at the same time, and I just felt like I fell down some deep dark hole or something. And I suddenly realized that this was me...This WAS my soul at this point screaming out to be heard that it is in pain, why am I ignoring it??? It was just pure excrutiating pain. And I realized how really REALLY BAD what had happened was. THis HUGENESS of it and how it just will not let go. And I all of a sudden realized, TRULY, how hard the holidays are and why for people who are grieving. I re alized that nothing, NOTHING will ever be the same again. I will never be the same again. It is like to me my whole life is divided into me when I was a kid, or my life with my family i was born into, and this other half of my life who I am now, with my own family. BUt that old part, that old me, it is gone. Because my \"old life\" has been completely disrupted and my whole sense of identity as to who I was before is no longer valid. And I have no desire to decorate. Sorry this is so long and so deep, but I had to get all this out... Cin
  4. Loss of a Father

    Hi MISSMYDAD, I know that this is a long time overdue, but I hope your birthday found you ok.... I wanted to respond to your post, because it really touched me and made me think... I lost my dad July 4th to a sudden heart attack. My birthday is May 18th, so I haven't had one yet since he passed, but I can imagine it will be probably the hardest thing I've yet had to cope with after reading your post. Yes my parents always celebrated my birthday with me, making the hour long trip up here to see me... And I know that will be really tough thinking about how HE used to feel on my birthday...proud, remembering the day I was born, etc. I never thought about a child's birthday after they lost their parent and how difficult that must be... Please know that my thoughts are with you even today, weeks after your birthday, I only wish I had been here for you that day, but I have been away from the computer and this forum for a while...Just life being busy, you know? I also noticed you mentioned that you wanted to take a drink but were hoping you wouldn't, because it would numb you... I am just wondering, and you don't have to answer, but do you or did you have a drinking problem?? Because in thath case, I am sure that you made the right decision not to drink. But on the other hand, if you only occasionally have a drink now and then to take the edge of a very very difficult situation, I can honestly say, as someone who has had some experience working in the field of substance abuse, that one drink is not going to turn you into an alcoholic. so don't be so hard on yourself, ok?? Be gentle...Love, Cindy
  5. I Believe in God...

    Doctors can be so insensitive. They become jaded I guess as a defense mechanism not to feel too much. But in my opinion, if you don't feel, you shouldn't do this work. Having been in the field of helping others, I know you have to try to avoid becoming involved, but that doesn't mean you mistreat your patients, or treat them like a number. I am so sorry, can you find other docs to care for your wife? So much for bedside manners.
  6. My father died this past 4th of July, and I hate to say it but I do blame my mother for his death. I am 41 years old, and all I can remember of my childhood is my parents fighting. It is tough for me to think of good memories, even though they were there. My parents would have been together 50 years this October, and it never ceased to amaze me how he stood living with my mother. She could be mean, insensitive and belittling to my father and it always bothered me, but never so much as the last few years. My father was getting older, and my mother would constantly be on him to do stuff around the house, and help her with this or that, then berate him if he didn't do it the way she wanted. She would criticize him over everything, and he would just sit there and take it. The day he died she was bugging him to do something, and he said he was tired. She kept on complaining til he finally did it, even though he obviously hadn't been feeling well for a while, although he never told anyone. I kept thinking why can't she just let the man rest??? After we left that day, he was taken to the hospital with a heart attack, and he never made it through. Everyone, including my mother, was devastated and shocked, because we didn't even know he was sick. He never told anyone he had been having chest pains, which he had, and he just did whatever was asked of him, although he must have been feeling like ****. That day was a metaphor for his whole life. So as you can imagine, it is really hard to comfort my mom at this time. I feel like she never appreciated him when he was here, and now he is gone and she doesn't know what to do with herself. She is beside herself w/grief, and probably guilt too. I try to listen to her, but that old anger is just below the surface, and I really can't forgive her for how she treated my father for years. I am also angry at him that he never left her, but I guess they loved each other in their own twisted weird way. So how's that for complicated?? Any suggestions? Cindy
  7. Complicated Grief

    JCSmom sometimes we have to cut the ties that bind, especially if they are hurting us. It is fortunate that we can find kindness and support elsewhere if it isn't from our own family. I know what you mean, and I hope you are doing ok. Cindy
  8. Complicated Grief

    My hopes and prayers are with you and your wife...Sometimes bad things happen together, and hopefully for you this will be it, your wife will be fine, but take care of yourself as well.. Cindy
  9. Loss of a Father

    I can't even imagine how hard it is for you... My mother and my sister and I are having such a hard time with all the paper work you speak of, and I know how tough it is.. hang in there... Cindy
  10. Loss of a Father

    LauraA' your post particularly touched me because my father was also so close to my kids.He was their playmate and friend and spent so much time with them. The saddest thing is knowing that he is not going to be around in the coming school year because he and my mom always came to the kids' little shows and events and stuff... He died on the 4th of July, and we've already endured on e summer camp show,which was pure torture, for all of us. My mom, and my husband too, who was also very close to my dad, and who is grieving too. He died suddenly too, heart attack, and actually wasn't feeling well that whole weekend, we found out later, but waited til we left their house to go to the ER; he didn't want to upset the kids, we think. So it is ahorrible, awful thing,and I feel your pain so much.... My dad was the best grandfather you could imagine, as I'm sure yours was too... What can we do./??? We just have to take solace from each other, and keep their memories alive , for us and for the rest of our families... please email me, I'd love to talk, butterfly10954@yahoo.com Cindy
  11. Iam so sorry for your loss...Don't feel bad or strange about not crying,I lost my dad July 4th and the tears do come, but at the strangest time.I thought it was so weird, I mean I cried at the funeral, but then was done for a while, and couldn't cry. Then at my kids camp show, I lost it, cried my eyes out cause he wasn'tthere to see it. Again today,heard a song that reminded me of him, and I lost it. So again, sorry for your loss and feel what you feel...Cindy butterfly10954@yahoo.com
  12. Anger and Depression

    This is a hard post for me... I've posted elsewhere in this site about my dad's death on July 4th. What I have never mentioned until now, and something I have been avoiding thinking about, is my anger at my mother for the way she treated my dad during his life. Although she obviously loved him very much - they would have been together 50 years this Oct. - she didn't really know how to show it. I mean she was just plain mean to him. She has always been a difficult person to get along with, and is very controlling. It is "all about her, always" which, sadly, is the last thing I remember my dad saying to my mom on 4th of July. Even though she knew he wasn't feeling well, she kept hounding him about stuff. And it's been this way our whole lives, my mom never allowing him to have a moment of fun. I may be exaggerating a little here, but he was just the best man, father, husband and grandfather in the world. He was the kindest, sweetest man, and she sometimes treated him like ****. I am very very angry about this, and for this reason have found it hard to move on with this process, as well as hard to comfort my mother...I'm really sad right now, so I have to close.. Cindy
  13. Loss of a Father

    Linda your situation sounds so similar to me, mydad also died suddenly from a heart attack, and we didn't even know he was having chest pains on and off for a while. He was just too proud to tell anyone, which really stinks, because, like you everyone keeps thinking that if he had gone to the doctor when he first started feeling badly he might still be here today. But you know what I think? I think that this is just the way he wanted it. He did NOT want to die in a hospital bed, all incapacitated and stuff. This man NEVER went to the doctor, so for all we know there were a million things wrong w/him, and if he had gone to the dr. sooner, they probably would have found all kinds of stuff wrong, and made him go into the hospital for tests, surgeries, etc. This sudden death is so hard on the living, but really it is easier on the one who experiences it, just in my opinion. Also, as far as being there for your mom, I can relate. My mom and I had serious issues, and so for me it was really hard to comfort her, although during the wake and stuff, I knew I had to, and it just felt weird... I mean forced or something. Plus you have to remember, you are grieving too, and it isreally hard to comfort other people when you yourself are feeling so bad. So don't be hard on yourself, and remember, we all grieve differently. Cindy