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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About swede1

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    Advanced Member

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  • Loss Type
    Way too many!
  1. 2 technical questions

    Thanks for your help, ModKonnie. The first issue turned out to be something from my end, so is solved now. For the 2nd question, yes, that's quite different from most forums. What I don't like about it is that it's not very efficient, having to scroll down on each and every page, then 'flip' through all pages (if it's a long thread), just to get to the very beginning of someone's thread. *sigh* All's well and good if you've been following along since the start, but if you haven't... Oh well...is what it is, I guess. Thanks again.
  2. 2 technical questions

    1) Do you know why I can't seem to "bookmark" this forum's url on my computer? (for faster access) 2) Is there a way to have posts in forums come up in what seems to be REVERSE order here? E.g. from FIRST post in a thread, to the last, and NOT the other way around? Can't seem to find any setting for changing this!
  3. ADCs

    I'm very glad to see this category here, even though I honestly can't believe it's being so under-utilized! I've managed in the past to get an ADC category started on another grief forum or two as well, as it's so important a topic. So thanks for including one here, too! But heck yah, ADCs are such a commonplace part of my own life now, I can't even imagine life without them! And for anyone wondering, it's my beloved FURchildren who send them the most, and it's been so ever since each of them transitioned (at different times). In fact, I can ALWAYS count on them to send a plethora particularly at Christmas, or on or around their Anniversaries, when I'm missing them more than usual (which is still daily, even after years...). I have so many listed now, I can't even keep up with them all in the journal I started to record all of them in....bless their furry, huge hearts! I don't have time at present to even begin to recount any of them, but suffice it to say, they've included special numbers, pictures, auditory signs (some shared), dream visitations, rainbows galore, meaningful wildlife & domesticated animals encounters, my H's dream visitation (partially shared by me), songs, words, physical sensations, claircognizance (Knowingness), clairaudience (hearing)....and on and on. I think about the only type I haven't received so far is a full-blown visual experience, that is, seeing them right here in spirit form. I'm still hoping, though... You're wondering from others "what they were like"? COMFORTING & LOVING are the best words to describe them, I think. But also amaaazing, thrilling, and soothing. Don't know what I'd do without them now!
  4. Dear MinaBean, This is an older topic now, so I'm not sure if you're still reading anything here, or if you get notifications of replies to your thread, but my suggestion is to check out Bob Olson's "Life After Death" site/s. The video interviews on his "Afterlife TV" site, in particular, might really help you (seriously, they're very informative) and additionally, you may want to consider finding practitioners who do one or both of: - Past Life Regressions - Life Between Lives Regressions Bob interviewed (and recommended) someone who did both of these - Nancy Canning. (she's in the US somewhere, but can also do these sessions by phone) As Bob said after having his own done, these are the closest he believes you can get to death, without actually having to physically die, and are invaluable for creating an understanding, and experiential feeling, of the death process and what your current life is about (whether you believe in these concepts or not). I don't know what the fees for them are, though. Failing that, or in addition to it, you might also want to check out his recommended list of Mediums, so you can let someone contact your baby and mother and ask whatever questions you'd like of them. Or check out the plethora of books by mediums that are out there now, as some include tips or processes by which you can try directly contacting your loved ones yourself, if you're not too upset to quiet down enough to try that. (hint: it's not as hard as you might think if you can just TRUST what you get) Bob's Afterlife TV site is here: http://www.afterlifetv.com/category/conversations/ The specific interview with Nancy is here: http://www.afterlifetv.com/2013/07/10/past-life-regression-life-between-lives-regression/ And his Mediums rating site is here: http://www.bestpsychicmediums.com/ My condolences for your losses, I understand your anxiety over the "not knowing," and I hope you can find what you need, whenever and however.
  5. I Don't Know What To Believe...

    Marilyn, Oh, I'm SO thankful that Snowflake's being so well-received!! I hope this will be the answer to our prayers for her. Although, even so, I'd try the EFT or flower essences for her, as it can't hurt and can only hopefully guarantee less tendencies towards aggression - too many dogs get penalized, or worse, for nipping at people, especially kids, even if it's not the dog's fault. Not like when I was a kid and everyone got bit by a dog at some point - no big deal then. Hearing about your tumor, I would even MORE highly recommend you try to either learn the EFT yourself, or better yet, find someone ( by checking on the site ) who practises it near you...it CAN be done by phone, too, if that's the only option....as long as you're familiar enough with the body points to tap. And here's a tip: you could even use it for whatever feelings come up in a day, saying something like, "EVEN IF I'm afraid of....(fill it in), I deeply love and accept myself", or "EVEN IF I'm feeling sorry for myself, but don't want to...." It can be used for both emotional and physical complaints, and even if it doesn't take the tumor away ( although it might - see all the diseases that have gone away by using it ), it could very well make everything about your condition much easier to cope with, like your headaches, unsteadiness, etc. Oh, I SO want to help! It's too bad I wasn't there, to walk you through a session, it's so easy to learn, and can have amazing results. I can barely imagine what I basket-case I'D be, were I in your shoes....you have my utmost respect, Marilyn, for coping as well as you have been. One would have to be an enlightened sage to NOT feel some fear...and yet, I also know of TOO many cases where the doctors were flat-out wrong, about so many things...so please don't give up hope entirely, at least not yet. As for what to believe....believe that the spirit IS greater and more real than the body anyway, no matter what happens.......you'll be safe because the spirit can't die.
  6. I Don't Know What To Believe...

    Marilyn, I'm SO glad you're trying to come up with an alternative with Snowflake. I also have some other options to your dilemma, which would help both Snowflake AND yourself, if you're open to them. They are both forms of energy healing and have been used very successfully by many people, both FOR people AND for animals. One, and probably the quicker of the two, is called EFT ( Emotional Freedom Technique ). There's a website for this where you can not only read about it, but start practising it yourself, even if you can't find a practitioner close by. It would most likely incredibly benefit Snowflake, as aggresive behaviour and tendencies in dogs ( or any animal ) are almost always emotional at their cores. The basic method of EFT can be done with animals with you ( or a practitioner ) acting as a surrogate and just imagining them sitting in front of you when you apply the tapping method to your own body, or by imagining yourself as BEING them while you tap. Either way works just as well. The good thing is, animals respond usually quicker than humans do to this healing method. And naturally, you can also use it for yourself, for both the emotional and physical problems you have. If you subscribe to their newsletter ( free ), you'll learn alot very quickly about all the cases in which it's been successful, and how to use it more readily. The second thing you could try, again for each of you, is flower essences, by Bach, or other companies ( there are quite a few good ones ) Annaflora is another one for animals in particular. You can usually get these at any decent health food store, along with a pamphlet on how to use them for both humans and animals. They work mainly on the emotional side of problems, and have been used very successfully for things like aggression in dogs and cats. I have quite a bit of experience and research material on these if you need further help ( you could just contact me via my email icon by my name ). There is also a flower essence to help with TOLERANCE, which your sister might need as well! They might take longer to work, though, and of course, you have to buy the products, whereas the EFT is potentially free. There is also a healer who I know does EFT, even by distance, with animals and if you want her name and website, just email me. I must say, too, that perhaps Snowflake's recent snarliness has to do with knowing about her planned demise.....please don't for one moment make the mistake of believing that animals DON'T know what's being said around them, as once you become open to that idea and start observing, you will see the Truth about this. They are nowhere NEAR as stupid and ignorant as people like to believe. Perhaps she is out to prove to your sister that she's worth keeping alive. I know I would be! Either of these 2 methods would probably be able to address Snowflake's problem(s) quite easily and with not too much effort. I use both of them myself, for both myself and our furbaby ( cat ), who is now 19 yrs. old. I only wish I'd known about them before our other furbaby passed away.... And yes, these boards are often a lifeline for so many of us. I hope you're feeling better soon, and am happy for you that you've got some family there to care for you, and about you...that's healing in itself! My prayers and intentions for the highest good remain for ALL of you! Take good care and hope to hear back from you, too.
  7. Marriage Issues

    Dear Tonia, My advice to you is the same as everyone else's -- get another job, then GET OUT of there. As a child of an abusive father, who never even hit ME, but beat my late Mother, even until they were elderly, I can't tell you how that background has ruined so much of my life. I will always carry the many scars this created. Verbal abuse is even worse, frankly, and your husband does both. I asked my Mother when I was only about 9 why she never would leave with us kids, and she told me because my father said he'd hunt her down and kill her. Do you know what this kind of household DOES to a child? I still wish she'd left him. I hate that man to this day and as he lays dying himself now in a home, not one of his remaining children ever visits him -- there's no love lost there. His abusive ways just got worse as the years went on, and he ended up ruining my dear Mother's death, just as he ruined all of our lives. Both of my brothers ended up capable of violence, too -- I was smarter and luckier and have had to base my life on doing the OPPOSITE of everything my father did, and stood for. For the sake of your dear children, if not for yourself, get out as soon as you have another job and a plan in place as to where to live. There are, I'm sure, state agencies that can help you with a plan, if you look for them and tell them of your situation. Don't let yourself or your precious kids become yet more statistics. Your children, and you, deserve MUCH better than this! Don't ever give in to any feelings of worthlessness -- that's just a trick men like this use to keep you where they want you...under THEIR control.
  8. I Don't Know What To Believe...

    Marilyn, I've just read some of these recent posts here and extend my sympathies to you for what you're facing. I recently read, in two places, how we're all fooling ourselves everyday..because we're ALL already dying, even if we refuse to see it. I just thought that was a real eye-opener, as not one of us knows if we'll really still be here tomorrow - most of us just like to assume we will be, which is really foolish of us! I think you should pick something YOU like, whether black, pastel or polkadots! Heavens!...it should be YOUR choice, don't you think? I'd like to write more, but don't really have the time today, so I must get to one point from your last post. I apologize in advance for what I'm about to say, but it left me so breathless, I feel I must put in my 2 cents' worth. Do you really think it's fair to your fur-baby to have his/her life taken from him/her, just because you're not going to be there? I would suggest hiring the services of an animal communicator to find out for you just what your dog would think of this plan, but I don't know if you're open to these kinds of things. To me, that would be tantamount to having one of your children killed after you passed away. You say you want him/her to go on a spiritual journey with you, but can you say for absolutely certain that that's what would happen? Has it ocurred to you that your dog may not have completed his/her OWN lessons on earth, and that you'd be cutting that short, for what I can only assume are....I'm sorry, but....selfish reasons? No, I can't say that this idea does make any sense. While your dog may grieve your loss, ( and I wouldn't wish such grief on anybody left behind ) I don't believe it's for us to decide to cut any other being's life off, unless they're terminally ill and in lots of pain or otherwise can't function with any quality of life anymore. I think your dog's life is every bit as precious as yours, or anyone else's, and this isn't something to take lightly at all. I'm very sorry to possibly stir up any more feelings of anguish in you at such a terrible time, but I feel so strongly about the sanctity of life, no matter the species, that I had to speak up on behalf of those who either can't speak for themselves, or try to, but aren't listened to or taken seriously.
  9. Loss of a Mother

    Dear Dee, Oh, you poor woman! As if you haven’t been through enough already! Thank goodness for that doctor, being wise enough to let you out – “never again” is right! And he’s right, of course – with what you’ve been through in such a short time yet….of COURSE you’d be depressed, AND feeling suicidal. BUT….you just hang on tight to what your son said, and his feelings about you! It may not seem like enough, but the fact that you have even ONE person in your life who feels that way about you, is pure GOLD. When I felt the same way, the first time, my husband said virtually nothing about it. The second time I felt that way, he was depressed as well and just AGREED with me that we should do away with ourselves! And the third/last time, all he said was, “Then maybe you should go and see a counselor,” and got me a pamphlet….never phoned FOR me, never offered to take me there. So I had to do it by myself, for myself. His lack of deep concern at that time was part of the REASON I was feeling that way. So you just focus on the fact that your son has said he needs you around, wants you around ( as we do, too! ) and go from there, one tiny step at a time. And if you have no funds for nice things like massages, maybe you can just take a nice soak in the tub with some chamomile in it, or something simple and non-exerting like that. Rest, sleep if you can, and don’t forget your vitamins. And I found a chant I thought might help you in your grief. I don’t know who the author is, but it’s from that book, “Animals as Teachers and Healers”: “Never the spirit was born. The spirit shall cease to be never. Never was time. It was not. Ending and beginning are dreams. Birthless an deathless and changeless. Remain the spirit forever. Death has not touched her at all. Death though the house of him seems.”
  10. Loss of a Mother

    Hey, All! Gad! So many things resond to, too little time! So I’ll have to ‘limit’ my comments here for now. ( I’m feeling so old, as I can’t seem to even keep up here! ) DEE, Words still fail me, despite having been through the same kind of anguish you’re now in…strange, that, as words don’t often fail me. But just know that my heart has been where yours is now, so raw, so wrenching the unending pain. All I can do is empathize and recognize the agony. And again, if you can’t post here yet, that’s fine – we’ll all understand. If emailing privately is easier, whatever works is fine. As you can see, though, you’re always in all of our thoughts and our hearts. Dear Dee, do whatever you need to and are capable of doing, for yourself and your terribly grieving heart….. GISELLE, I, too, am still holding you, your aunt and your family in my highest intentions, and hoping so badly for the best possible outcome for your aunt’s Highest Good. ( I know there was something else I wanted to respond to, but now I can’t find it and am pressed for time….next time! ) JOSEPH, I’ve had some suicidal thoughts myself, but with 2 important differences. One, I had no definite ideas on HOW I might exit this world, and two, within about 2 wks of these thoughts, I GOT MYSELF SOME HELP, LOCALLY. You MUST do this for yourself as well! We don’t want to have you suddenly disappear from here and never know what happened to you. We don’t want to be grieving YOUR death as well, or worse, not even knowing if that’s the case. You NEED to pick up a phone and call a suicide crisis line!! Even if you’re not feeling that way at that very moment, the resources they can provide you with will help you immensely! If you can’t find a crisis line listed, then phone your local mental health association, which WILL be listed pretty prominently in the phone book, and they can point you in the right direction, too. You NEED someone there who you can talk to at greater length, and more often, than even these boards can provide. These boards are more for of an adjunct to other resources and can’t provide ALL the care you need right now if this is how you’re feeling. Suicide is truly no answer, as the idea implies you will find some kind of RELIEF from the pain you’re in. But think about this…there will be NO relief that you will be ABLE TO EXPERIENCE if you are dead ( if dead means really dead, ie, no consciousness left ); likewise, if you survive death and still experience consciousness, you might still have some emotional pain – no one can tell us for certain what exactly happens to us after we leave our bodies behind. Is it really worth the risk? As hard as it might seem, our best shot at finding peace again, in whatever measure, is by sticking around and slowly but surely learning how to deal with our own, personal pains. That way, if we can outgrow our grief, and if consciousness continues after physical death, we’ll be at LEAST one step ahead of the game and will carry that evolution of ourselves with us forever. You should be able to see that I’ve thought about this quite a bit already, myself. I also lost the best girlfriend I ever had to suicide many years ago, and it still hurts me today. So if nothing else, keep in mind that you’d be adding to others’ pain if you did away with yourself. PLEASE, get some help with this! You’re WORTH it, even if no one around you right now is giving you this message. You can’t know what joys you have yet to experience in your life, especially when you’re still so young. You can’t know who you might yet meet who could end up giving you more love than you ever thought possible. Even a tiny trickle of hope will do, Joseph. The fact that you’re on this board makes me want to hug the stuffin’ outta you, as I believe there aren’t anywhere NEAR enough men who can reach out, acknowledge their feelings ( particularly the painful ones ) and who aren’t afraid of telling them to a munch of females, no less! This ALONE makes you special, wanted, priceless…..don’t throw that all away. GO GET SOME HELP. If you’d broken your arm, would you sit there and delay getting medical attention? It’s NO different with when our hearts are the broken part of us. You deserve some help, even if you have to be the one to make first contact with someone there who CAN and WILL help. We are NOT meant to go through grief alone – remember that. None of us are equipped, naturally, to be alone with such trying events in our lives. Please, go find someone to lean on there….and we’ll all still be here to hear all about it after you do! JENNY, I was exhausted for the first 1.5 years, after which I got myself to a doctor and found out my thyroid was borderline low. It was a matter of what came first, the chicken or the egg, as the grief can cause a physical change like this, so can depression ( also had or have, clinically – “moderate” ), as can lack of exercise, poor eating, etc. etc. Plus, I seem to be going into peri-menopause as well, so there’s no telling which did what. My point is: you really have to try and monitor your physical and emotional states during mourning, as one thing can balloon into another if you’re not careful. And as for the terms “lost”, etc, VS. dead, etc. ~ most boards themselves give suggestions for posting which include being extra-sensitive to those whose grief is fresh, including possibly ‘offending’ others by too blunt terminology. I don’t know if I agree with this idea, because I think society ought to start talking about death openly ( gad, we need to grow up in so many ways! ) , but on the other hand, it IS a touchy subject yet for most of us, and I know I could use the word “died” for my Mother and brother, but NOT for my fur-baby for the first 2 years, most of the time. In fact, I referred to him in the present tense as I felt that was actually more accurate ( and certainly easier on my heart ), believing that our essence never dies, even if we can’t see it. Now, with more healing under my belt, I can use any term I feel like in the moment, but am usually using the softer terms for a.) convenience in a given sentence, and b.) to avoid causing more pain in others who ARE sensitive about it. Yes, there’s lots of confusion ‘out there’ when talking about death, dying, and grief….which is why we need to break this nasty, harmful cycle – as things like these boards help us do! I find it’s best to see which terms an individual is most comfortable with first. For everyone I missed, my apologies, but this has taken all the time I had for posting for now…but you’re all in my thoughts and heart and as always, I wish you all the best possible for each moment, day by day. Love to all! ( and like I can even remember everyone’s moniker AND name anyway! Lol!…and I used to be KNOWN for having a great memory! )
  11. Loss of a Mother

    Connie, I,(as well as Giselle, I now see ) also tried to send you an email yesterday, but don't think it went through, either. Can you let me know? ( it was all about trtmts. for bulging discs )
  12. Loss of a Mother

    Connie, I’m glad you can consider this other viewpoint, as I know you only want the very best for Lance ( what an elegant name! ). I’d just hate to see him trying to be like older generations of men – stoically hanging by a thread and doing himself harm in the process. I firmly believe if you talk to him from your heart, he’ll get the entire picture of how grief can be handled with a good balance between feeling it and being optimistic. He’s sure to have a great teacher in YOU, and that’s all parents can try to be for their children. I would have given my eye teeth to have had my Mom talk to me completely honestly about such important matters in life. And I know why you thought of me when you tried to rescue that poor feline…..cuz my GAL is gray, too!! ( and we’re all connected, as One, right? ) It warmed the cockles of my heart to hear you attempted to help that poor dear one out, as most people just don’t care. Me and my gal thank you for that. His/her tail was probably broken off from either frostbite ( if it’s cold enough where you are for that ) or a fight or accident ( or cruel person ). You’d be quite right to worry about people hurting them, as that’s more common than you’d suspect. So I’m glad you tried. Usually, with some strays and most ferals, they’re too scared to let anyone near them, without some tempting food &/or a humane trap. It’s so sad. I meant to ask you ( and forgot – it’s this lack of memory thing again ) if you’d gotten any MRI results yet, or did I miss something already? Depending on what’s found, I might have a number of suggestions for you to try ( if it’s skeletal or muscular stuff ), so let us know! Giselle, Oh good; I’m glad you want to attend our wedding, as Connie and I will need as many guests as possible in order to afford to stock up on all the file folders and other organizational tools that we’ll have in OUR household! LOL! I admire you, BTW, for making the commitment to yourself to get out and do yoga and other exercise – wish I had as much inner oomph as you! I’ve really let myself fall apart over the last 2 years and can barely see my old self in the mirror anymore – it’s like ANOTHER loss! And thanks for the thoughts behind that prayer. Littlebug, I also forgot ( there I go again! ) to congratulate you on your pregnancy! Yes, I’m sure you can find some good stand-ins here who can offer much motherly advice if and when you need it ( not me, though…unless you give birth to a fuzzy, little kitten! ), which might help you to feel just a little less motherless after the birth. I’ve been wishing for a surrogate mother, in a new friend, for months now, since I don’t have any aunts that really fit that bill, but so far, no luck. There ARE still times I feel like I’m 5, but w/o the concurrent energy level. J Dee, Still worrying about you and empathetically reliving some of the pain I myself felt upon losing my fur-boy…..there just aren’t words in the English language to describe such inner pain, and I only wish my magic wand could work wonders for you ( and all of us ). Don’t feel you have to post yet if you’re not up to it – we’ll surely understand. Just know that you have a support network here to hear you out, help you out and lend some cyber-shoulders to lean on. Time to get on with the day now. I wish you all as much peace and softening into acceptance that you can muster for today.
  13. Loss of a Mother

    Connie, Firstly, ……..so CAN I MARRY YOU?!? LOL! How I love organization and efficiency like that! And you’re RIGHT….it takes a real LOAD off someone’s mind, not having to deal with stuff like that should something happen. I don’t know how many times I’ve told my husband that I WON’T be able to deal with those things if he goes first, yet he’s not getting off his can to do anything to help me out there! I don’t mean to step on your toes here, but I hope your son isn’t going to get the wrong impression…to ‘be strong’, ‘get on with your life’, ‘don’t feel bad’, you know…all those terribly hurtful attitudes we all have suffered by. While I can see the great and therapeutic value of a parent passing on an optimistic and unselfish attitude, I guess I just wonder about if it might go too far in one direction. I’m speaking from the experience of seeing my husband take after HIS parents ( especially his mom ) and stuffing emotions just to keep up a happier front….and especially of not being as in touch with others’ emotional lives ( like MINE! LOL!) and so being unable to relate as well as one should be able to. I know this isn’t what you’d want for your son, either, so I just hope you’ve explained it in detail to him. Of course, frankly, I can’t even IMAGINE how I would feel if my Mom had said anything to me like what you’ve already said to your son. I can only SUSPECT it would have helped to a certain point. But I still remember the venom in my Mom’s voice when I was still grieving for my fur-boy 2 years later…and knowing my Mom as well as I did, I knew she was actually JEALOUS of my love for him, as if I wouldn’t also mourn HER as much. If she sees now how very much I’m missing her, if she ever heard me moaning and sobbing about her death, she’s probably very embarrassed now to know she got so upset about her daughter’s capacity to love more than one person, more than one species, so well. Oh, Mom, you just never knew me the way I always wished you could. You loved me, but you didn’t really KNOW me, or accept me the way I was. And now, maybe you do, but I’ll never know.
  14. Loss of a Mother

    Littlebug and Cantbelieveit, I’m sorry you both have to be here, too, after losing your mothers, like the rest of us. And although I lost my Mom just over 2 years ago, I still find there are many moments, both big and small, where my mind thinks, “ Oh, I’ll have to tell Mom about this,” during which I envision her response…..this all only takes a few milliseconds…THEN I ‘realize’, for the hundredth time, that she’s gone. Either that, or I just WANT to be able to tell her and still cry when I know I can’t. So a word from a‘been there’ one ~ you will likely revisit that state many times as you go through your mourning….the better news being that the pain gets less intense later on. I’m not sure now if the so-called ‘Golden Years’ are necessarily very golden, even if we do reach them. My Mom had so many illnesses and conditions, she suffered for many long and pain-filled years ( some conditions no one was even aware of, except for her doctors as she either ignored them, forgot, or just wanted to live in denial of them so never told me ), then suffered terribly for all of the 6 months before she died. I know I still selfishly feel that I’m still glad she was around, but her suffering has frightened me beyond words, and from where I sit now, if it were me, I’d rather NOT go through anything like that. It’s just one of those ambiguities of grief – glad she’s not suffering the same anymore, but don’t want her to be gone, either. I agree that it would be so much easier if we could contact our mothers, at least once in awhile….a yearly phone ‘date’ would be enough to get me through. But those ARE the many ways we experience the reality of their physical absence and I’ve found that it was the same with 2 major losses – for the first 3 years ( only 2 so far in this case ), the more time went on, the more I got to missing my loved one and for me, it wasn’t until after 3 years were up that I wasn’t as consumed with that missing. But it’s hell while it lasts. So I imagine I have about another year to go yet, for my Mom’s loss, before I might feel more like living again. But I still have to allow for being wrong about that in the future. And every anniversary date and special holiday can bring it all back in a flash. It’s no WONDER we get so exhausted, putting out so much of our energy into grieving!
  15. Loss of a Mother

    Jenny, Yes, my brother, too, needed a swift kick! Same thing - I knew it was wrong of my Mom to molly-coddle my REMAINING brother, but couldn't convince her, so gave up in the last decade. He's the one who's stolen everything now. I had my moments then of getting angry at my Mom and telling her that if she could see what was going on NOW, these were the consequences to me, her only daughter, of how she'd handled my brother...and that I, of all the kids, didn't deserve this kind of treatment as I was the only one who'd kept in contact with her all through the years, the one who came to be with her and try to help with all her medical and emotional needs when she was hospitalized. Now this selfish brother has it all, and she was partly to blame for that. Same as for not listening to me years ago when I told her if she died first and father was in charge, he'd never let me have ANY of her things...and I was right again. I had to recognize that this was a part of her that HADN'T loved me very well, not to think about MY future in this respect. Whenever I hear of other mothers ( or anyone else, for that matter ) getting a huge 'turn-out' for their services, I'm filled with anger and resentment. ( and NO, I'm not saying others can't talk about this; it's just a natural reaction to what happened to me ) I have a cousin whose mother's name is the same as my Mom's and they, too, had hundreds of people for her funeral. This is what kills me, cuz not only did my father ( and brothers, indirectly ) thwart any attempt for us to even HAVE a memorial service, even an informal one at home, but there wouldn't have been anyone there anyway, save for one of her sisters and a niece. Because she WAS old, many people either had already died as well and others had fallen out of contact ( work connections, etc. ) years before. Plus, at that point my father wouldn't allow my ( deceased ) brother back in the house so that he could go through her papers to try and contact some people whose addresses/ph.#'s we didn't have. So to this day, I doubt if most of those left even KNOW she's died. And much worse, there was none of that support system there for me ( my brothers wouldn't have cared less about that aspect, unlike me ), no rituals to say goodn-bye.....nothing. Just like the void I feel I'm living in now. And while you have some resentment towards those mothers still alive, I also feel pangs of pain when I see ELDERLY women out and about....just for different reasons. I never got the chance, either, to do these kinds of things with my Mom...not since my 20's....so it's much the same despite her having been old when she died. ****Sigh**** We're all in the same boat there, despite our different stories. For me, it's too ironic ~ I'd been such a shy child and didn't really start to get over this until my 30's! My Mom, on the other hand, was always gregarious and much-liked. So while this is one fear I've mainly conquered, me and my husband have tried for many long years to find and develop friendships, but it's gone nowhere ( locally, at least ) and older friends have either dropped away or given up voluntarily ( from post-death treatment of me ), so it's too ironic that I finally became just as gregarious ( something I'd always envied in my Mom ), yet there would STILL be no one coming to any funeral of MINE. So, I've always thought "differently", as you said, yet it hasn't panned out anyway! As for 'cutting the apron strings', I find that absolutely ridiculous! Sure, if you had some emotional attachments that weren't healthy for you, that's one thing. But when a daughter's mother dies, that's a completely different ballgame altogether. This person obviously doesn't understand that a loved parent dying isn't the same as just going out into the world and doing your thing without your parent. Even when we do that, it sure doesn't mean we won't be feeling grief when they're no longer physically here. Heavens! That's a pretty heartless comment! For myself, I'D even thought that my reaction wouldn't be as bad as it has been, as I'd intellectualized my Mom's and my history together many years prior and realized that no matter what happened to her, she'd made her own bed, I'd tried to get her out of it and failed, and I foolishly thought that kind of thinking would serve me well after she eventually died. WRONG!!! When one's HEART is broken, one's HEAD is not going to 'solve' anything. It's the HEART that then needs fixing, BY the heart. And that's what I intend to start working on now. To that end, I'd also like to suggest to everyone here who's struggling with the proverbial 'coming to terms with' their mother's death, to buy and read and DO the "Grief Recovery Handbook" by John James and Russell Friedman. You will undoubtedly be surprised and 'delighted' by their smashing of the many myths surrounding grief. So far, I agree with 99% of what they say about it ( and already knew, firsthand, quite a bit of it, too ). These are things I've seen people writing about ever since I first started using boards and the misinformation out there is astounding. It really helps to know what's okay (our grief) and the why's and wherefor's of society's ignorance towards grief, and our issues. It's available in many places, as it's been around for a long time. They also have a website which includes a ton of articles that I would also recommend as great reading. Just look up the Grief Recovery Institute on the web ( and click on Articles ). Wishing everyone as well as can be expected, and awfully glad this thread has so many wonderful, caring people in it. Thanks for being here.