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About hmtod73

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 02/24/1973
  1. Anger and Depression

    mofirefly. thank you for responding. for 14 yrs i have tried to adjust and accept the way my MIL does things. i am at my breaking point. plus, something else that adds to the problem is that my husband and i do not get along well and are becoming futher and further apart as the yrs go by. he thinks and acts just like her. we seldom see eye to eye. so, my MIL lives 4 miles from us and we see her regularly. my husband, a mirror image of the MIL, lives under the same roof and i feel like i can't escape. i know that i have to find something to help me cope. you are right, the anger, hatred and resentment only hurt me. my mom has told me the same thing. and i do know that but at this time i seem to be stuck in a rut. thank you for listening and responding. sometimes getting it out helps too. i wish you peace. heather
  2. New Member

    oh, i'm so sorry. i can not imagine the pain you are in. i have not lost a child so i can not say that i understand. i did lose my mom so i do understand what it is like to grieve and to go thru those holidays especially the first ones. this is what i did for my situation. i got a small 4 ft tree and bought ornaments for it that are specific to my mom and our family; things she did and we did and things she liked and we liked. it is her tree and when i look at it i feel (somewhat) better. also, you could try to honor your son by making one of his favorite dishes in addition to the traditional holiday foods. or, everyone could wear something with his favorite color on it, or favorite sports team ect. play a favorite song of his. i would suggest to add a "new" tradition and but also keep the old ones. i don't know the ages of your other children, but whether they are 10 or 20 it is still their christmas too. they are grieving and probably are not looking forward to the holidays either. ask them if they have any ideas. i would say just do the best that you can. try to enjoy the day as much as you can. by enjoying your day that does not mean that you are not grieving. it does not mean that you have forgotten your son, it means that you are human and you are supposed to enjoy the day. talk to your son and wish him merry christmas. he will hear you. remember, that he is enjoying his day and wants you to enjoy your day too. i hope some of this helped. i wish you peace. hmtod73
  3. Anger and Depression

    hello again, i'm sorry i forgot to put in the post that my father-in-law passed on nov 10, 2007. so i do understand that there is a large adjustment period. i am not beating up on my m-i-l because of this situation. it has gone on for 14 yrs and i just can't handle it anymore. this is just my breaking point. anger has always been a big issue for me and i thought that as i got older i was able to calm the anger.....and i think i did with some things but this one is a biggy and am just done.
  4. Anger and Depression

    hello everyone. i need some advise. about 1 & 1/2 yrs ago my mother-in-law and i did not see eye to eye on a subject and i called her on it and i know she didn't like it. ever since that time we only talk when necessary and there is definately tension. so, here it is: SHE MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!!! i have such a feeling of instant hate when it comes to her and the things she does. i really do not like to have that feeling, i just don't know what to do to help control it or somewhat change it. when i get that mad, i feel terrible inside and it effects others around me. here are some of the things that upset me that she does. i have 2 girls ages 5 and 7. she allows them to go to the bathroom by themselves in a restaurant. i do NOT agree with that. there are too many weird and bad people and i will not let my children be one of those statistics. i go with them to the bathroom. i told her this 3 times and her response is they know where the bathroom is and they'll come right back. another thing that makes me angry is her newspaper person was asked (by her) to place the paper in front of her front door instead of at the end of the driveway. now, she wants the paper carrier to place the paper one foot to the left instead of directly in front of the door so that she does not have to step one foot out of the house to get the paper....just her hand. that infuriates me. i know i should not care about that. i should and do care about the bathroom thing, i won't give that one up. she told me flat out that she wants to be treated like a queen. well this is not hollywood. we live in a small town in pa. nothing fancy but friendly and homey. i could just scream. this is just a small sample of what upsets me. i just don't know how to handle it as far as me not getting so upset. advise from you all would probably shed some light on this, however i would like to ask if you could refrain from suggesting that praying and church are the answer. i can not go that route. thanks again.
  5. Coping with the Holidays

    to minnababy, i can relate to what you are saying about christmas. i lost my mom in feb 2004 and that first christmas was so tough. however, i decided to buy a small tree and decorate it with ornaments that represented my mom and our family; the things she/we like and things she/we did. it did help me because i felt good doing it and i am honoring her. plus i feel like she is just a little closer to me for the holidays. we did do some things differently and we did some the same. the day was busy and at times it was hard to hold back the tears. i would suggest that you go to your boyfriends and do the best you can. your mom would want you to be happy, she is. just do the best you can. take care. heather
  6. Anger and Depression

    claudia, thank you for responding to my post. all i can say is i know, i know, i know. everything you have said makes total sence and i do know that. at the moment that i wrote i had so many emotions running thru me i didn't know what to do or who to talk to. here is the odd thing, i am actually going to school to be a bereavement counselor. yes, i have a long way to go and by going thru this and going to school i am made aware that i need to work on my way of handling things and reacting to things. i'm sure i was not the most pleasent person to be around when my mom was sick. on an everyday routine basis i am just fine. calm, smiling, relaxed, go with the flow, helpful, giving. then when this happens i turn into a monster. i know that i have to learn to control that and find a happy medium. i am now faced with telling my kids about their grandfather and i will eventually have to tell them even worse news. i am very open and honest with my kids, with all topics. i guess i am dredding this situation even more because they are older and are able to understand more than at the time of my mom's death. i am so glad that you responded to my post. it really helps to hear what others say.............it sort of grounds me and makes me stop and regroup. i have been here for several years and i always find it helpful when i post. thanks again. heather
  7. Anger and Depression

    hi everyone. it has been a while since i've been here, the whole site is changed. i think i just need to vent to someone who is not directly involved in my situation. my father-in-law is in stage 4 cancer; lung and bone. just the other day he had a special radiation treatment for the bone cancer. today he was taken to a hospice house for a temporary stay of 5 days. my mother-in-law is in denial. she feels that if we can just get his strength back then he can fight this.........................he is fighting. my husband sometimes tells me info but gets mad at me when i say something that disagrees with what his mom says. ok. he is defending his mom................who is not realistic at this moment. i lost my mom in 2004 and i was the caregiver. i understand that type of stress, pressures, demamds, confusion, hurt, anger, denial, ect. ect. my husband was not there for me in any possible way when my mom was sick. he is barely there for his mom. i just want to scream!!! how do i continue to handle all this without going crazy??? i must say this........my first response to any situation of this nature is anger. i don't know why but it has always been that way. when i'm done being angry, i come across as abrasive. any other time i am the total opposite. so, i guess just saying these things is helpful but it is good to hear other people's views on this. thanks.
  8. Special Events & Anniversary Dates

    it has been a while since i have been on here. saturday october 6 is my mom's birthday. tonight i was going thru old e-mails and found some from her and about her and of course it made me cry. i miss her so much and just wish i could hug her again. she always made everything ok.
  9. thanks you to DianeS and Rodless for your advise. i do appreciate it. at the time i wrote i was having trouble dealing with the situation and could not think straight. i do understand the heartache of watching a loved one die knowing there is nothing we can do to save them. that is what i did with my mom. i do think my in laws are in the best position they can be in for such a crappy situation.the last 3 days have been exceptionally good for him----almost great. which i am glad for, but in the back of my mind i wonder is this the calm before the storm? DianeS---i'm so sorry that you are going thru this with your father. you are such a strong person and i know you are doing all you can for your dad. make every moment the best. take care. heather
  10. hello everyone. i am looking for some advise with a situation. my father-in-law has stage 4 cancer in his lungs and bones. he is very weak and skinny. they called in hospice and he just got oxygen. he is not bed ridden but he has trouble with the smallest things, such as walking to the bathroom. so, here is where i need some help: my mother-in-law is in and out of denial, about 30 times a day. she has told me that her and her husband talk all the time about his condition. i won't go into detail here, but the conversation she had with me about what they talk about was very detailed and she semed clear on what the end result will be. yet she continues to say that we will beat this and panics when he gets short of breath. she thinks it is a reaction to the treatments (that were stopped a month ago.) what do i do??? i understand the stages of grief. i understand that everyone goes thru them differently. i don't think that saying point blank to her . . . . will be of any benefit. it will probably be harmful. she and her husband have read some books on death and dying and found them very comforting. she has a huge amount of support in every possible way----including me. but it tears me up that she bounces around to this degree ALL the time. i just don't know what to do. it makes me an emotional wreck and right now i also am having marriage trouble, depression issues, and O C D issues. maybe this is why i can't figure out what to do on my own. any advise would be great. thanks for listening. heather
  11. I Believe in God...

    hello everyone. thank you so much for your responses. to jeffreyssister---yes, i would like to think in that situation what would jesus do. i would like to think that he would not be judgemental and hire the man because he is a hard worker, in need of a job and as far as any of us know he is a good person. how do i learn tolerance?? what do i need to do to be able to be tolerant of others? i don't know how to do that, but i want to learn. to mofirefly---free will, yes. i guess that does play a big part in things. i do believe that everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions about everything. i just need to find a way that i can be able to deal with something that i don't agree with in a professional manner and also a manner that does not leave me extremely angry inside. yes, reading these posts has helped me in many ways. my mom died in feb 2004 and i found this group later that year. i usually read and only occasionally post. i am a relatively quiet person. this is a wonderful place to be with wonderful people. i usually feel better after i visit this site. to 4everjoeysmom---yes, building a wall between those who believe and those that don't, to me, is not acting in a christian manner and it does make me want to say no thanks. i do understand your view w/ the guesthouse and not allowing just anyone in. could you explain to me what the guesthouse is and how it operates?? i am not familiar. thanks again for everyone's help and if you feel like you want to reply more, i will be ready to listen.
  12. I Believe in God...

    hello everyone. could someone give me some advise on a difficult issue for me?? last night i was at a birthday party for my father-in-law. we had a nice time but during the corse of the evening the hostest started to explain how she met one of the guests (now her employee). she started out by saying that a friend of hers told her that he knows someone who is in need of a job BUT he is AFRICAN. she said, oh no i'm not interested. he said, well, this AFRICAN is a CHRISTIAN. she said, ok i'll talk with him. she said that she decided to hire him only after she was convinced he really was a christian and guess what, this man was a member of the same church that she attends and she did not even know it. here is my problem. this is not the first time i have witnessed this type of reaction from this person. i also know several others who are friends with this person who act/respond the same way. WHY???? i try so hard to accept people for who they are and i try not to pre judge people for whatever reason. i am not perfect but i try to work on this. all these people claim to be christians. it is to the extreme. why do they act like this?? i have a lady friend that is 95 yrs old (and is mentally there) and she told me you should not have to constantly profess that you are a christian to be a christian. i was brought up in the catholic faith. i have not practiced for 14 yrs but i do have a personal, spiritual relationship. i am comfortable with the way i am handling my beliefs and practices. i have never claimed to be a christian and by the way these people act it turns me off. is it just me?? am i making a big deal out of nothing?? this really bothers me and i want to find a way to deal with it better than i am. i am currently going to school to be a bereavement specialist and i know i will encounter different situations that i will have to have an open mind about and a certain level of tolerance/acceptance for. how do i handle/deal with this type of situation?? any advise would be great. thanks.
  13. Loss of a Mother

    to slimoperasinger, i am truly sorry for your loss. i understand your pain. it is never an easy thing to go thru. please find some satisfaction in the fact that you were there with your mom in her time of need. in response to what you said about the card and phone calls and e-mails stopping, i agree. that is what happened in my situation. my mom passed in feb 2004 and people stopped calling about a week after she died. of course, very few people even asked, called, or sent cards to her while she was sick. which i don't understand because she always seemed to be liked by all. anyway, i have been coming to this site for about 2 1/2 yrs. i don't post often but i always read. i do get some comfort from being apart of this community. there are some very caring , understanding and supportive people here. i have had alot of deaths in my life since my mom has passed. and now i make sure to call people and check on them, usually about every month or two. i will send thinking of you cards or leave a message on their machine just to let them know they are thought of. i send cards for their loved one's angel date/birthdays. i don't want people to feel what i felt/feel, like i am all alone and no one remembers what happened. of course i understand that death and dying and illnesses are a hard topic for most people to discuss. it is not always comfortable to talk about but really it is a part of life. as far as the hurt goes, yes. i hurt very bad about a month or so after my mom died. my stomached ached and my heart was heavy. my body was sluggish. every movement i made was such an effort, as if my limbs were each 200lbs. now, i don't feel that way but there are days when my heart aches for my mom. that is normal. those days will become less as you learn to find a new way of living and a new routine. it is hard to accept so early on, just take your time with your grief. it is a process. continue to post here, it is helpful and we are always here to listen. take care and i wish you peace. heather
  14. Is What I Am Feeling Normal?

    in response to guest. i do not know the background of your situation or that of your parent's, so i can only speak of my situation and experience. my parents were married for almost 35yrs. my mom died in 2004. we all had talked prior to her death about my dad "dating" after she died. now i know that sounds a bit wrong, but let's look at it like this. my mom did not want my dad to be lonely. my dad did not want to be lonely. there is a difference in being alone and being lonely. my mom knew it was best for him to seek a companion. so, she told him that it was ok for him to do that and that she hopes he finds someone who he is happy with. well, like i said mom died in feb 2004. by march 2004 my dad was seeing someone. i was beyond mad. i felt that one month was too short to start dating. my dad wasn't even back at work yet. he was still a basket case and i felt he was jumping the gun. during the summer i met his "friend" and it took a little time for me to adjust. she is nice and she treats him well and they have fun together. after i got thru my initial anger i realized that my dad needed and wanted to be happy. he still talks about mom. he has not forgotten her....how could he after almost 35 yrs. he still has the same companion, they do not live together but spend a great deal of time together. she is very understanding and respectful of when my brother and i talk about our mom. that helps too. you have every right to feel angry and hurt. but try to work thru those feelings by thinking that your dad is now ready to take the next step in his life. he wants and needs to be happy. try to adjust to these changes by remembering that life is about changes, nothing ever stays the same. make the best out of what you are given. you can not change the past, you can remember it and learn from it and reflect on it, but do not try to live the present and future based on the past, it does not work. talk with your dad about how you are feeling. i'm sure no matter what he does he will never forget your mom. i hope i helped in some way with my long, drawn out story. tkae your time with it and be open to the new experiences life will bring you. i wish you inner peace. heather
  15. I Miss Him So...

    missing curtis, i am responding to the christmas card question. for years and years my mom sent out about 200 card with long letters in them. some people thought her letters were silly. most people looked forward to the card and letter. my mom died in feb 2004. so it was close to a year that she was gone when christmas came around. i asked my dad what he wanted to do about sending cards (he is not that ambisious) i told him i would help to address them. so, it was a joint effort and he decided to send cards to the people that sent us cards the year before. and he sent cards to people that were involved with the care of my mom. i asked if i could write a SHORT letter just to tell people how things were going and dad agreed. the following year, 2005, dad did the cards on his own with NO letter. (not surprised) not sure how he will do things this year. i guess the point of my long crazy story is that i think you should send cards to people with a brief note or letter. i think it is ok to do that. let people know that you moved.....sometimes christmas cards are the only time/way that people communicate with those far, far away. plus, it may be nice for you to get some extra cards sent to you this year. hope this helped you out. heather