Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

cvaughan598

Members
  • Content count

    46
  • Joined

  • Last visited

    Never

About cvaughan598

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 04/29/1978
  1. I Miss Him So...

    Know you guys haven't heard from me in a while... I'm here. School ended and I'm trying to enjoy my summer the best I can. Leave on Friday for my first vacation with my daughter and first without Rikki in a 9 years. It sucks, but I am making the best out of it. What else are you gonna do? NOT GO? I know Rikki has been with me, especially on Father's Day. My sound machine that plays rain noise to help me sleep started acting up. It only happens when I'm really struggling or when an important holiday to Rikki comes up. I just talk to her and tell her I love her. And it never fails, I sleep the best after that. My car started clicking and my lights flashing for no apparent reason when I was talking to a friend about getting a tattoo with her and Madison's initials in it. I had a witness for that one! To all those that are new, and all those that aren't... your loved one is still with you. And always will be. They are watching over you, protecting you. I've made new friends over the last year that I wouldn't have talked to and they wouldn't have talked to me. The only thing I can figure is Rikki saw that and fixed it too. Life is a journey, I wish I had her physical form with me, but at least I know she is still here! My thoughts and prayers are with you all! Chris
  2. I Miss Him So...

    Have been doing surprisingly well for what has happened to me. But I wanted to post here today to let Laura know I was thinking about her and praying for her on the one year anniversary of losing her soulmate. I don't have much to say, don't know what to say... Can't imagine how I'm going to feel in two months when I get to the same mark. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers Laura. Chris
  3. I Miss Him So...

    To all those here who have kids... Happy Mother's Day. Mother's are indeed special and if it were up to me, it would be more than one day of recognition. Today would have been Rikki's first "Mother's Day." I took flowers to the cemetary on Friday morning and by Saturday night, they were gone. Didn't even make it to Sunday. Last year, I didn't do anything for Rikki, I took her to dinner for Mother to be day... but it wasn't a big thing then. Not even to her. Even I knew then what I know now... I'd have given her the world for Mother's Day last year. Friday was 9 months and now Mother's Day all in one weekend. Needless to say I've been miserable trying to call my friends and family and mothers, grandmothers, etc. Wishing them a happy mothers day and all I want to do is give Rikki and kiss and have a present for her from Madison and tell her happy mothers day. I did at the cemetary but it isn't the same. She is going to miss out on ALL of Madison's firsts. She has missed so many of them already. I know she watches over me, I feel her when I'm struggling the most. But it isn't the same as being able to put my arms around her and tell her I love her. I miss my girls. Now I just have one. I do what I can for her... but wouldn't it be nice to be a family for longer than two weeks... Even through my struggles you are all in my thoughts and prayers because I know that what I feel... you all feel too. Chris
  4. I Miss Him So...

    Jen, I don't know what to say. She has a lot of anger that needs to get out apparently... Maybe directed toward Brad for leaving her? Just a thought. If I were you, I'd leave. Or if it is your place, they can leave. If grandma is taking her side on everything, that isn't something you need. I know I sound like a broken record, but do what you need to do for you and Brad. If that means moving back to Loiusiana or Timbucktoo... do it! I almost kicked my brother in laws butt when he suggested that if I did something he would have called social services. NOBODY threaten me or my daughter. Yeah, he is a sheriff's deputy on that. He told me that if I made of move on him he would pull his gun... Ha ha! I was like, would you do me that favor? Maybe I'm losing my mind or maybe it was already gone, but who dares a guy to shoot him? I know my things and Madison will be taken care of because I have all that written in my will... I guess my thought process at the time was you are threatening what is left of my family, and that isn't going to happen... and if something happens to me while defending that, then I will be with Rikki again. Its a win win situation... Except for Madison, which is what eventually took over. I don't think he will make anymore comments to me because he thinks I should be committed. But oh well! Laura, I do know how you felt. Its like it brings it all back for that period of time. I finally got my grass cut yesterday, so I know how the whole do what I can around the house thing goes. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Chris
  5. I Miss Him So...

    Jen, Exactly! You shouldn't have to. You and Grandma need to get togetether and put up a united front for her to see that her behavior is unexceptable. I don't know what to tell you about the phone, but you can actually put a password through parental protection where she cannot get online without your permission and you putting the password in for her. I'm thinking about doing this and it isn't THAT much more expensive... but our cable company here has cable Internet and cable phones... I think I can set up the phone where you need a password to dial out. Our phones at work do that. Sounds like a pain, but it gives you something to hold back from her to get her to act the way she is supposed to. I'm going to keep quiet on the custody thing, if my mother-in-law or mom so much as mentioned taking my child, I'd never speak to them again. I'm thinking that with everything going on, maybe you moving isn't such a bad idea? My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Chris
  6. I Miss Him So...

    Jen, I know this is going to sound odd... But... Rikki's mom and I have gotten pretty close over the years because of the time we have been able to spend together while we were waiting on Rikki to get home from school. She told me one day that she had taken Rikki to the police station, gone in talked to a female officer... the officer came out took her inside the police station and talked with her... Rikki came out crying and was actually pretty good after that... The other is when she was younger she said you can't do anything to me because it is child abuse... Rikki's mom started packing a suitcase, When Rikki started crying, she said if you want to live under this roof, you live by MY rules. If not, I'll drop you off at social services and THEY can find you a new family. Sounds really mean, I know... But it worked. The other thing that I've noticed, specifically about Rikki's sister (She is 18) is teenagers handle loss totally different from anything we are experiencing. I've read that and seen it, but can't explain it. Maybe getting some counseling or something for her would help? She doesn't sound like a bad kid, just a girl who is VERY lost because she lost her dad. Maybe that is just me. I also don't know the whole situation! My dog bit a little girl last night... One of the girls in the neighborhood that shuffled her feet and antagonized my dogs when we first moved in... Dog's never forget and he didn't... He bit her twice and tore her jeans up. The police came and were like, yeah... but its the dog's fault and yours... not the fact they antagonized the dog. FYI, all of my animals have their shots, so they let me keep him but he is on house quarantine and they have to be able to look through a window and see him. The police officer was like, I don't want you to get sued and lose your house since you have a new family... blah, blah, blah... I just lost it! I was like, yeah, my wife passed away two weeks after my daughter was born... so I don't have a new family... My daughter is all the family I have. He has a 7 week old, so I think he felt sorry for me. The dog that bit the girl was Rikki's dog... She bottlefed him when he was just two days old. Then the mother was like, you didn't come over and apologize and check on her and I had to go through all that again! Its funny how people who live in your neighborhood can like that. I had already run after the dog, and left Madison alone in my house (9 months old) what was I supposed to do? Leave her there and come check on HER daughter? Before I could get Madison bathed and in bed, the police showed up at my door... So I didn't have a chance to go over on my own! People don't seem to care what it is that we are going through and just want us to go back to the way things were because their lives didn't just get turned upside down... I just wish they could have that feeling for a week and I garauntee their outlook on life would be much different! Same type of thing is happening at school. I'm one of those people, if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours so I have a lot of people that I consider friends... I found out yesterday that some of those people have been talking negatively about me. It came back to me from outside the school! I'll give these other idiots in our world one week to know their soulmates are gone and they will never see, touch, hold, kiss, hug, make love to, anything... with them again... and lets see how THEY hold up! Sorry, I'm venting... as if the weekend wasn't bad enough... I had that happen yesterday, thank you for letting me vent! I would like to say welcome to all the new posters. Welcome, thats almost funny... Like any of us want to be here... or want the reason we are here rather. We are all here for each other... Never be afraid to vent, post, share, and respond to posts here. I'm coming up on 9 months in two days and without the people I have met on this board, not sure I'd still be sane. So please don't be afraid to post and share... Come to think of it, that 9 months is probably why I'm having such a bad week... Sorry, random thought... I'm glad you found your way here and I hope we can help each other through the coming weeks and months and years and decades... that didn't help me either... Hope to talk with you all again soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Chris
  7. I Miss Him So...

    Hello all, haven't posted in a while and for good reason... I've been traveling on the downslope of this damned rollercoaster they call grief! Today is my 27th birthday. Not a very Happy Birthday to me... In all honesty, I'm miserable. I've had friends take me out to dinner, my mom is taking me out tonight, and my dad tomorrow. And I just want to sit at home. I woke up this morning and rolled over and snuggled up to her pillows when the alarm went off... It reminded me of last year... the scent of her pillows and her not being there. I rolled over and cuddled up to her every morning before we got up... She wasn't there last year either, but she was in the kitchen fixing me breakfast. We didn't normally eat breakfast but she cooked for me on my 26th birthday. She is the only person who EVER made a big deal of my birthday despite my lack of interest in getting older. My parents would do dinner or something but nothing big. She always did a card, a present, and she ALWAYS planned quality time for the two of us on my birthday. This morning I woke up and she wasn't there and there was no smell of food... There was nothing. She is gone and I can't ever have her back! Her smell, the touch of her skin. I took Madison to her Rikki's Mom this morning (She keeps her for me while I'm working) and was turning to walk out of the door... I told her that my mom was taking me to dinner tonight for my birthday and she asked when my birthday was I was like today... I didn't expect her to remember it because I didn't want it to be a big deal... But when I turned to walk away, one of Rikki's most beautiful bridal pictures was staring back and me and I lost it. I couldn't even say bye to her or Madison this morning. I went out on the porch and just started balling. I regained my composer and went back in and gave Madison a kiss and told my mother-in-law bye. Rikki was my connection to these people and she would have been the reason they even remembered my birthday. I am just trying to get through mothers day. Any ideas for the cemetary? I think I'm going to take a picture of her and Madison and a big balloon that says happy mother's day. Hope everyone is doing well... Thoughts and prayers... Chris
  8. I Miss Him So...

    LAURA, Yeah, the clothes are clean and I manage to get one floor done a week. And that is with help from my babysitter who happens to be one of my wife's sorority sisters and helps me more than I could ever imagine! Speaking of sorority sisters... I went to the mountains this weekend for the 20th anniversary celebration of their chapter and they did a whole memory type thing a did a whole memorial plaque that is going in their new house and everything. They asked me to speak and I broke down while talking about her... In front of 100 college age and grown women! What a manly man I am! I'm kidding, because they have helped me more in the last 9 months than I ever could have asked for. It was a beautiful ceremony and everything. I love being up there and would go back there in a heartbeat if I wouldn't be away from my family. But then again, with Alpha Chi and Pi Kapp up there I guess I would have family there wouldn't I? I would move away from blood relatives to do that. I didn't want to leave there yesterday. It feels like home. I don't know if it is because that is where Rikki and I spent 5 of our 8 years together and there are SO many good memories that I just want to be there or that I'm running from here or what... I think that is the only place I could move away from this area and be happy! Anyway, hope you all had as good of weekends as you could. I'm going to be getting ready for the whole 9 months without Rikki here in a few days so I probably won't be posting as much... Doing more reflection and writing in my journal... And scrapbooking! I found a full Poker Table and chairs for $100 and I'm using that as my crafts center for my scrapbooking and for Madison when she gets older... And poker when I have poker nights... But that is a different story! My thoughts and prayers are with you all! Chris
  9. I Miss Him So...

    Okay, Where do I begin today… First, Madison is 9 months old today. She is getting so big. I’m sure in two weeks I’ll be miserable but maybe not so much as I’ve had signs of Rikki being around the last few days. Besides that, when Madison sees Rikki’s pictures she gets a huge grin on her face and tries to get to them. So Rikki has apparently made her presence known to Madison as well. I’m waiting for the picture of Madison to come back with a bright spot or a cloud behind her! LAURA, I don’t think ME wearing Rikki’s clothes would be such a good idea… Heres a visual for a good laugh… I played Offensive Line in HS! I’m 6’2” and weigh over 250… Rikki was a petite 5’2” and smaller… I might be able to get away with maternity clothes, but I don’t think I’d get one of her shirts over ONE of my arms! Picture the typical race redneck with the tight cutoff shorts, and tight shirt that doesn’t cover his beergut! I can make those cracks because I’m a race fan… Still a funny thought! As for the not being able to focus, I think parenting, TEACHING, then throw in the fact I’m really random anyway… I think they missed diagnosing me with ADD! JEN, I think we should get together and make the shirt… Between the two of us, we should be able to come up with a few good ones and edit the REALLY GOOD ones! Is that mean? I can’t say I care! As for the car thing… Been there too… We leased TWO new vehicles so we both had a safe vehicle for toting Madison around in. A Pacifica for her and a PT Cruiser for me. I always got her exactly what she wanted… Both had payments over 500 a month. When she passed and the mortgage took up most of my paycheck, I had to turn them back in… I now have two voluntary repos on my credit… Exactly why I can’t leave my house and will NOT be able to get financing for another one… Not that I want to leave my house because I like it there. Sounds like Regi is being the typical rebellious teenager. If it helps I told my grandfather that I could lift a 3000lbs. boat by the trailer tongue when I was 14! At least your friend on the playground got the point and dropped it. Gayle… We are here and able to be strong because of people here like you and Laura and others who are showing us how to live through this. I know I had lost grandparents and others that I loved very much but never anything so close to home… MY HOME. I still hurt but I’ve made a decision in my life. If I live my life miserable knowing how much I miss Rikki then I will miss what is important in my life. I’m all Madison has, she will never get to know her mother and as sad as it makes me, there is nothing I can do about that. I’m sure I’ll still have my down times, but it was always me being a knucklehead that made Rikki laugh when she was here, I’m sure she can laugh at me there too! Madison had her 9 month checkup on Wednesday… She had a shot and got her poor little toe pricked. My brother was there with me and she really likes him. But after the shot I was talking with the doctor and he said he would have to suffice for right now and picked her up. She was balling her eyes out… Real alligator tears and all! When I finished I walked back over and she all but dove into my arms and put her head on my shoulder and grabbed the back of my shirt and was quiet. Nah, she isn’t just a little spoiled and just a LITTLE bit of a daddies girl! My family laughs at me and says it isn’t any different whether Rikki was with us or not… They said Rikki would be telling me to let her alone. I laugh and them and tell them to call me Mr. Mom… Because she reacts to me the way most babies do to their mothers. My thoughts and prayers are with you all… I hope this post has at least brought a grin to your face… Lord knows writing it did. Memories and things that I thought about saying but was afraid they would delete my post! Chris
  10. I Miss Him So...

    Jen, I like the shirts! I should make a shirt… Top Ten things not to say to someone grieving or something! I wish I had longer with Rikki and Madison, I only had two weeks, but they were two of the best weeks of my life… Sitting on the couch holding Madison and Rikki cuddled up under my other arm with “my girls”... So I will have to deal with that. Unfortunately because we did so much just the two of us, there aren’t many pictures OF the two of us. I think I’ve come up with about 8. The rest are of things we have done or of one or the other of us… Rarely both of us. But I’ll deal. Cracking blonde jokes on yourself Jen? Nice! I wouldn’t worry about it, I think it is something with what we are going through. I can’t remember what day it is half the time. Lord knows I can’t keep a steady train of thought anymore… I mean EVER. If I’m doing one thing, then I am thinking about something else. As for little Zack… He needs to be tested before anything can determined for certain. His parents may be able to get him tested privately or with local organizations that work with special education students. May even try a local university’s Special Education program. I’m not sure how things work where you are. I’d have to know more about how he acts in and around the home and with any and everyone else before I could say I think he was autistic… You could, but you see him everyday. WHERE IS EVERYONE? Just wanted to let everyone know that I was thinking of them and praying for you all. Maybe it’s a generation or age thing or something… Jen and I deal with things with lots and lots of sarcasm… I’m tired of crying. With my allergies and that, I can barely see sometimes. Just wanted to see how everyone is doing. I know Rikki has been with me. My radio went on the blink last night and started making all kinds of weird sounds and noises… So I know she is there. I guess that has me feeling a little better. Madison turns nine months tomorrow so I know it will be difficult. She is starting to stand, balance, pull up, crawl, and even feed herself… So it is a fun time for me as a father, but a miserable one as a husband. I’m just trying to make it one day at a time. That is the best that I can do. I’m seriously considering selling my house, but I don’t think I could get financing for another by myself… My credit alone isn’t good enough. My in-laws won’t even COME IN the house because it was Rikki’s house. I don’t want to leave it, but I’m struggling to keep it clean and take care of it because it is so big. Especially since it is just Madison and me. I’m trying not to make too many decisions without thinking them all the way through, but this one is kind of eating at me… Because if I can get financing for a smaller house, then I can lower my mortgage payments… But Rikki and I wanted to raise Madison in this house and in the location that it is in! I’m just struggling with what to do on this one! Thoughts and prayers, Chris
  11. I Miss Him So...

    Jen, Let me just say... I come here in the mornings hoping you have posted! Your sarcasm towards those that have not experienced the deep loss and grieving that we have is so funny. I don't have the guts to say those things to people... Probably because people would perceive me as an a-hole because I'm a man and should be able to get over it... Your shirts say it all about MY life right now too... I wish I could say Rikki was smiling. I'm sure she is now though. Some people don't mean to be as blunt and say the stupid things they say... But others deserve what they get from us. People have said things to me... thought about it and just shrunk up and said Oh my God, I'm so sorry... I just shrug and leave them standing there. Others get a typical smart remark or sarcastic tone and remark... Its fun to watch their reaction sometimes. I'm still waiting for the typical mad high schooler remark about wanting to meet my wife because her pictures are good looking. Had one of those the week I came back to work. He didn't say a word to me for two weeks he was so embarrassed. I started lighting candles (Rikki was a big Yankee Candle fan) at night before I go to bed to put her scent and how she had our house smelling in the air. Lame attempt to dream about her I guess. Anyhow, I sleep with her pillows still in my bed. Gives me the feeling like I'm not alone... Apparently last night I wasn't. I rolled over and went to pull her favorite pillow with me. Understand, this is the pillow she had when she was like 5! So it had been stitched and falling apart... But smells so much like her still 9 months since she laid her head on it. THE PILLOW DIDN'T COME WITH ME! It was jerked right out of my hand... The way she used to when I tried to steel it because it is so soft... Like someone was laying on it... I woke up immediately and no one was there... I figured maybe I was laid on it... Looked down... NOPE! I think Rikki was there with me last night. First time I had that feeling at home in a LONG time. I slept like a baby curled up to that pillow the rest of the night. Not sure what I'm going to do when Madison is old enough and her mothers pillows go to her. It’s going to be awfully lonely... Oh wait... when did that change? Thanks for the info on the charm! I'll go check that out this afternoon. I'm working on getting pictures together to put in my collage frames to hang on the wall, I'm so glad I had the chance to have so many pictures of Rikki from HS up through when we were married. It was a double edged sword. Having relapses of the memories and funny pictures that we took helped in making me smile but I miss those times and the fact that I will never have them again. I'm also started putting together Madison's "scrapbook." Technically she will have two of them... or more... as she gets older... But I'm doing one with just things about her mother... Pictures, things with her handwriting, just anything that I have that Madison might like to have. Just a thought, but those of you with older kids, may want to think about that for them... Wal-Mart has all the supplies and they aren't THAT expensive. I know you can get decorative scissors and edging scissors at the dollar store... One of Rikki's favorite places to show by the way... Probably Markers too. Jen, this is something that you may definitely want to consider as you can use it like I am to help Brady get to know Brad without getting to spend much time with him. Showing him what kind of person he was using whatever is laying around the house... I found a key chain that Rikki had bought as a joke towards me... "Men are Idiots and I married their KING." I laughed and then cried when I found it. Because I was an idiot not to take EVERY opportunity to spend with her and to take care of her... And laughed because it was so her. The sarcasm and hilarity that was the Vaughan household was something to behold. We had been dating and lived together for so long, we knew each other inside and out and what the other was thinking before they said it. I think I'm going to put that in Madison's Scrapbook about her mother and explain it. There are so many things I want Madison to know about her mother... It will take me 18 years to get them all out... So I guess its good she is only 9 months huh? Oh, the roller coaster of grief! I'm going up this weekend to Western Carolina University where we both graduated. Her sorority chapter is having their 20th anniversary and wanted me to bring Madison so they could see her. I started going through pictures of us in college to send up to them to use in a slide presentation... Rikki was so beautiful! Fortunately, I talked with them yesterday... They are dedicated a memorial to Rikki and one other sister who passed away with breast cancer last year as well... Had they done that without me knowing it... I'm not sure I would have been able to make it through the evening! It’s funny how people talk about fraternities and sororities and how they are buying their friends and all they do is party and everything else... Without my brothers and her sisters... I'm not sure I'd have made it through the first month without Rikki. I wish people could see that the REAL advantage of fraternities and sororities are not until you leave school and you have those brothers and sisters for life. Not saying there aren't advantages in school... but I've NOTICED it more once I was out of school. Alpha Chi Omega – Together Let Us Seek the Heights Pi Kappa Phi – Nothing Shall Ever Tear Us Asunder Funny how we learned them in school and while we were active and we live them now that we are in the real world. I always wanted Rikki to be able to “pin” Madison… That can’t happen now, but one day I will get the “Mother’s Pin” and put it in either Madison’s scrap book or in Rikki’s AXO shadowbox… Who knows? I know that was a tangent… but I have these thoughts sometimes and it helps to get them out… I’m thinking and praying for you all. Chris
  12. I Miss Him So...

    Jen, as messed up as it sounds... She deserved what you said to her! I don't think people understand just how difficult it is when you find your loved one the way we did! Everyone else, don't get me wrong... I'm not saying the way you lost your loved ones is better or worse... Its an image that will stay in my head forever, and I doubt I will ever be able to get it out... Seeing her, trying to wake her up, picking her up out of our bed in my arms and carrying her to the open area in our bedroom floor to perform CPR... Never getting a pulse or breathing back... I don't think many people will ever understand what that is like. Having that mental image in your head... Wanting to be with her and the paramedics to watch over her like I had done for 8 years before... But not being able to, because of a crying 2 week old. I can only picture that girl's face when you responded... Honestly, when I read your post it made me chuckle a little. People accidently make themselves look like such morons sometimes. What can you do? I know her saying that to you hurt your feelings... But I bet NOBODY else will make a comment like that there! I can see it now, "Oh my God, did you know Jen found her husband?" and "all I did was..." Fair warning be expecting eyes to be following you for the next week or so! Brings up the question that always comes up here... Why did God take our good ones and leave them here with us!? Thoughts and Prayers! Chris
  13. I Miss Him So...

    Jenmulloy, Do I know what you are saying! YEAH! Madison is all I have left of Rikki. We are so young and have SO many years to live without them. When Madison so much as makes a different sound I'm awake. I don't sleep that well so it doesn't help that the monitor is right beside my head and I wake up everytime she breathes funny. I guess that comes from waking up and finding Rikki in our bed... But without Madison, I wouldn't be here. I'd be with Rikki. If something were to happen to her, I probably would go with her too... No need to be here without both of them for sure. NO, I don't think you were overreacting, they need to understand that because of you losing Brad that ANYTHING that could be an issue is going to bother you. Same happens with me. you are not alone! Thoughts and prayers with you all... Chris
  14. I Miss Him So...

    LAURA, Funny how people that don't love the way we loved and have the same type of loss think its like getting divorced or breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend... they think we can just move on and be "okay" with someone else. As for your comments to feeling low... You know I've been there, we all have and you were there to pick us up and help us feel better... Well guess what? Consider this repayment! Although I HATE the reason we are all here, we all found our way here for a reason... Not by chance. As for Madison, she turns 9 months on Friday... As you know always tough because 9 months without Rikki is right behind it. She has the fat rolls, but chubby cheeks (Like her mommma) brown hair, but not a lot of it, blue/gray eyes (so pretty) and Rikki's dimples. I wish I could post of picture of her to the website... She is my pride and joy. I don't like going anywhere without her and she doesn't like me to leave her sight... which has been interesting! She pulled up and was standing in her crib on Friday morning when I woke up. First time, I cried like a baby until I realized her mother did see it... I just wanted her to be here for me to call her to the door to see it. She had gotten up but couldn't figure out how to get back down! VERY FUNNY! Jen, I'm sorry you have been dealing with issues with your friends, friends. It really is nobody's business. The only people that know about my financial stuff are the people that needed to know to help me. Of course it helped that we didn't have but the basic insurance so I only had like 5,000 on her. Made life very difficult. Thankfully, my church family, Rikki's sorority sisters, and our families bailed me out getting back on my feet. I just tell everybody that I don't have any money and that I have "just enough to get by." Which isn't totally false! Because SSI is for Madison not for me... Anyway, just wanted to share, don't tell what they don't need to know. EVERYONE ELSE, Hope everything is going as well as could be. I am just trying to get through the first year and I'll go from there. I'll be thinking and praying for you all! Hugs and thoughts! Chris
  15. I Miss Him So...

    Lot of anger and resentment here today. Pandorra, I know how you feel about the looking in the mirror thing. Rikki used to do that to me, just to make me feel better... She would walk up behind me and put her arms around me and hug me and say your so handsome, I'd always answer, yeah, but I don't hold a candle to you... I miss that all the time. The cuddling on the couch, the dinners, late night runs to Wendy's because we were too busy doing other things to eat at a decent hour. Her voice asking me to do something for her. I kept her mobile phone on with her voice mail on it just so I can hear her voice if only briefly. I will disagree with you on the "is no God" comment. Rikki and I found each other working together after I decided on a whim to move to Greensboro to work... We ended up going to school together, moving to Va Beach and back to school together, graduated together, got married... Neither of us had good jobs, but we were blessed to both get teaching jobs at the same time, we bought a house, had our animals, went on Chlomid to get pregnant and succeeded on the first round of the fertility drug. Rikki gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. Rikki passed away two weeks after that... and yes that still hurts and yes I am still angry at God for that, but I'm sure he understands that. Rikki was saved and baptized a little over a year before she passed. She talked her sister and mother into coming to church and her sister was saved a couple of months after Rikki. My brother and I have re-established our relationship and are as close if not closer than we have ever been. Does that mean I wouldn't like to have Rikki back? Hello? I'd give everything including my soul to have her back... But I know she is sitting at His feet, and preparing my place for when I can join her. All of our anger is NOT unfounded, here is how I am dealing with it. I forced myself to pray. I told Him I was angry with Him and that I was hurt by him taking her away from me. I asked that he watch over her, me, and Madison and allow her to watch over us to. I asked that she be allowed to come back to see us in our dreams... I shared my story about my conference last week... Let me share this, Rikki passed two weeks after Madison was born... Madison has and never will get to know her mother. Yesterday, I walked up to one of Rikki's pictures in my bedroom and she got this huge grin on her face... I said Momma, and she started kackling like she knew exactly who it was. It is my belief that Rikki has been coming to Madison and helping her as well as helping me even though I haven't sensed her that much. Madison hasn't been sick (knock on wood), sleeps through the night, and has generally been a model child for a single father with very little experience and knowledge of raising kids! With all of that happening, you CANNOT convince me that there is not a God. Do I understand why things happen? No, and again, I have the same anger and confusion that the rest of you do. Been on the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings. As Madison gets older the more and more she reminds me of her mother. Do I wish I still had her, yes... But I was left with the most beautiful gift she could have left me. I know many of you are struggling and I wish I could help more... Just remember to keep your head up because that is what your soulmates would want from you. Especially those with kids. JEN, you do what you feel you need to do... I am starting to apply for new jobs and am looking at a career change to get out of teaching. Guess we will see where that goes from here. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Time doesn't heal, nothing heals the wounds we have been inflicted... Just remember, memories and love are there forever, regardless of the time we spend without them. I send hugs to you all ((((()))) Chris
×