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About ericasmom

  • Rank
    Erica's Mom, Dee
  • Birthday 04/20/1956

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Loss Type
    lost my daughter when an AMTRAK hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan
  • Angel Date
    July 14, 2003


  • Occupation
  • Interests
    taking long walks, reading, writing
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  1. Laurie and Dianne, acceptance for me has never meant that I am aligned with Erica leaving the way she did, at that young age. I accept the reality of her leaving, and I accept that I will always miss her, always carry her, and will one day see her again. I accept that life has continued to go by and that in it, some lovely joyful events...and in each of those I thank Erica and wish she were here: physically here, so that we could celebrate those good things together. I accept that no matter how much time passes, I will miss her fully, and will talk to her each day. I will always ask her to help direct my days, help me to make good decisions. That is just my take on acceptance. Dianne, I am happy that you are feeling some of the healing that happens when you reach out to those who need your words/your care. I know that our Children love us, and I know that our hearts are full even when broken. Love to you Each, and hope for us all in our ache and loss.
  2. Deep Beats She is a deep beat in my heart, a part of my everyday, a cause for my tears -both joy and ache, she is the breath in and the long sighs. That deep beat in my heart, that was added when she left, is evidence of her presence, protected always in my promise to carry her everywhere
  3. Gretchen, there have been other times when he has been insensitive to your I would say to him, I can turn the channel when a song comes on the radio whose lyrics are hard on my heart, but I just need you to know not to sing those songs around me. Passive aggressive! So what if you seem over-sensitive? I know that I am and probably always will be since Erica was killed. I really hate it when folks say: "What a train wreck" while describing something unpleasant, and I sit there thinking, do you know that My Daughter died when a train wrecked into her car? No, I do not think there is anything wrong with you, Dianne, what a pretty screen shot. I love all the ways you have provided comfort to our Newbies lately. Look at how you are using your heart to help others.
  4. Sherry, what is new with you...all well? Are the crops being planted in your neck of the woods? Gretchen, I love all three collages, the clothing on the clothesline is a delight. Your florals are lovely. Silky, I remember those early days, when going somewhere took me from my deep seat in grief for a tiny moment, if only to pay attention to something else for a bit of time, but returning always meant returning to the last place I shared with my Daughter...but the sharpness of that ache will get less so with time, not fast by no means, but eventually. The first year for me was filled with sharp pain adn hair-pin turns of emotions. That is what going through grief is like...One piece of advice that many books will express; don't make any huge decisions in that first or second year of grief, there is already so much change in your life/lives, so don't make more. Many folks want to move when they lose often isn't the best thing to do. Sometimes we just need to find ways to be in our lives, as painful as they become, and struggle our way through time until we can find small bits of sunlight again. You will too, we have and you will too.
  5. Does anyone know where Susan is? Laurie, how are you?
  6. Gretchen, I LOVE your collage. I adore the colors and the joy that springs from your work. I read what you said yesterday but had no time to thinking is that when we find ways to stop the horrid pain, it is complete joy to our beloved kids, no matter where your beliefs lie. Their hope would have to be almost exactly what our hope for them would be if the tables were turned...think about what you would hope for your Kids if you left early...that they could sense your love in all they do, that they know that you are rooting for them and that they find as much joy in the world and in it, remember your love, take it with them everywhere they go. That is what our Kids want for us. Hanging onto the deep and darkest parts of their lives/deaths, isn't the essence of them. Hanging onto the laughter, the games, the music, the passions that helped them be so full...that is their essence. Peace Dearhearts Wendy, that little Maddox is beautiful. Hang on Wendy, you never know when someone has a change of heart and decides that you need to be a part of their life again.
  7. You doing okay Wendy? I haven't seen you in a long while. I am glad to see you tonight.

  8. Rant and Rant Lesley and all those who have seen violence hit their country again. I am sorry. And the word you used, I use each day for I am a swearing woman. It makes no sense to take the lives of others when you are filled by is not anyone's fault that you have so much to be angry about, certainly no the folks who had nothing to do with your life. Goodness knows those who die in such a senseless crime are leaving behind thier loved ones for what???FOR WHAT?
  9. Christophers Mom, your loss and ache is so new and yet in some ways, must feel like a long time ago, because in that instant, your life before Chris died is a lifetime ago. Our lives are forever changed, as are the siblings and relatives and friends of your Son. I can't believe that you are already back to work, hard to face the day to day so soon, but for some, it is best. I hope you have co-workers who will be flexible and caring as you travel this path. It is not a linear path, instead, we go up and down and return back at point A when we least expect it. Just hang on, we are here to tell you that you too will get through this deep deep grief. You live nearby, I am in River Forest, Illinois. I lost my Daughter nearly 14 years ago, she was 19. You just keep coming back here, read and when you want, tell us more about Christopher, his life and his goodness. As far as guilt is conerned, almost each parent has some form of guilt, we none of us, could prevent our own Child from dying, no matter our job or our abilities. Your Boy will always be your Son...he will always love you just as you will always love him. Peace,
  10. So odd, I just hit the send button on the message just posted, however I sent it last night, it did not attach and it was not here this morning, but what I wrote last night was sitting here just now. Silky and Joe's Mom, all I can add is my hand to hold. I remember the three month mark quite well and I am on 13.5 years. The reason I remember it so clearly is that I was at work, I am a third grade teacher, and before the kids got to school I was suddenly stricken with a pain so strong I called home and told my husband that I felt like coming home. I felt quite suddenly, without anything triggering it, that the last layer perhaps of shock, had worn away and I was left standing with a burning pain in my heart. My arms wanting so badly to hold my Daughter, my heart felt re-broken. Shock had been shielding me though Ihad no idea of it, I thought I was feeling a ton of pain and missing, sadness so pure and deep, but then I realized there were other layers to loss and grief, deeper layers and more painful times. I did stay that day, proved once again that working with children saved my heart and spirit. My Girl died on July 14th, 2014 after being hit by a train on the 8th of July. I went back to work in late August when the new season was beginning. I was unsure as to my ability to go back to work, would I care enough to do my job? would I be too distracted by my grief to be a good teacher? There were no ready answers to those and many more questions, the only way to know was to go. Kids saved my life...they were a daily purpose, they kept me busy, they kept me creative, they kept my heart healing because kids are like that. I don't know if I could have worked at anything else. Some folks went back to work to find that they could no longer do that work and went in new directions. It will unfold for you as well, you will either be glad to be back at work for the way it puts a frame to the days, or you will find you cannot be there right now. Different for everyone. Divianz, the court dates were very hard on my spirit too, getting my hopes up that the railroad and the township would stand up and apologize for their lack of work ethic to let the fuse be blown and not changed...the township of Kalamazoo eventually apologized and reconfigured the stops for the train throughout their town. Amtrak did not even say that they were sorry as that would have been admitting guilt and they were not held responsible. Still pisses me off...but what mattered to me at the time is that nobody else would die at that spot again. I wish you well in those hard to manage court dates. Hard not to go nuts I know.
  11. Lesley, I agree, there are messages all around us in which we find some priceless nugget to help us rebuild our lives. We find remnants of our former lives, like those whose houses are destroyed from a flood or tornado, a hurricane, picking up the pieces of a photo here, a document there, a memory found and kept close to our hearts...we rebuild. Knocked on our asses, but somehow, we get back up and start anew. I have many times found messages in movies and songs. The simplest things hold some of the deepest most profound information. I hope that you enjoy the movie.
  12. Bob, your anger is real, its okay, it won't scare us away. Anger is part of it all. I get the double demons on your shoulders, after a life filled with 'stuff', we get demons. I have had my share. I am sorry that your cuz had such a hard time of things, and that he left a child that would never get to know him well. For some, life is far too hard. My Sis is going through a terrible time, her youngest child of seven, is an addict. Heroin/opioids/anything he gets his hands on. The old saying: A mom is only as happy as her saddest child, holds true in my Sister's life. She has 6 other kids and a myriad of grandchildren and even a great grandchild, but her depression is killing her...or she might kill herself from being so depressed. It is heartbreaking. I have had the busiest time at school, and now I must try to get all the report cards done and edited before Friday when they go home. I hate report cards.
  13. Bob, I hope that the detective is right, that when the walls feel they are closing in, someone speaks up. Tells the truth. Fingers crossed.
  14. And I am glad that you found something in my words that you liked Lesley. THe snow in PA must be a pretty site. It has been pretty darn cold however here, and I am anxious for the snow to melt to reveal what if any plants have survived. THey are mostly Illinois prairie plants so should do fine... Bob, I am happy to hear that your Older Son wrote to you. As he travels the road of divorce, he may start to see the similar situations he is in to what you faced so many years ago. Maybe he can open up a bit to you now about the stress he is experiencing and maybe, just maybe, about the loss you both have had to face. While different for you each, Jake's life can help bridge some communication. At least I hope so. I come from a family of tangles, so I get not talking to members of the family for many years or forever...but for you, I hope that there is something there in yours and your son's relationship.
  15. Georgina, I am sorry for the ache caused by ignorant words. I know how cutting they can be. Going to gather yourself is a good thing to do. I hope too, that your Sister does not lose power. How long has your sister lived in the states?