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momofJustin

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About momofJustin

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  • Birthday 07/21/1961
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Mamabets, My son passed at the age of 15. He had had a heart transplant when he was 7 years old. When he was 15 he suddenly got a mysterious virus that attacked his heart. He was in the hospital for almost three months in intensive care. The doctors were trying to keep him alive and well enough to get a 2nd heart transplant. He died from a blood infection that he got while in the hospital. I was by his side every day in the hospital always praying he would get the 2nd heart transplant. Those are the horrible memories I'm talking about watching him every day lay in that hospital bed hooked up to many, many machines. As for your daughter being with your son upon his passing. I too am amazed when I think about Justin's actual moments just before death, he was so peaceful. That is the only thing that brings me some comfort. Thanks for asking. Justin's mom forever
  2. ADC's, Visions & Dreams

    Josh's Mom, What a wonderful visitation from Josh. I loved your story about the balloons. If that happened to me I would definitely take it as a sign from Justin. I have had visitations from Justin that I truly believe were from him. They just don't come often enough. FATHER'S DAY: I think Justin almost made my husband a believer with this visitation. The day before Father's Day I was cleaning out my bedroom closet. I hadn't touched it in at least a year. Anyway as I got to the bottom of misc junk I found a computer handmade Father's Day card that Justin had made my husband a few years back (we think). The card spoke directly to what my husband and Justin had in common. Justin had worked very hard on the card. He put pictures of himself on it. He put pictures of 2 mice playing guitar. Typed the words "You and Me, Dad". It's hard to describe, but the beauty I find in it is that I found this card the night before Father's Day in the bottom of my closet. My husband and I both don't remember Justin giving him the card on previous Father Days. I believe Justin "helped" me clean out my closet and "helped" me find that card. I gave it to my husband on Father's Day. My husband said, "maybe he really does try to contact us." I have been telling my husband about signs that I have gotten, but my husband is skeptical. It was a beautiful gift from Justin directly to my husband. Justin's Mom forever.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Mamabets, Sorry to hear you started your morning off feeling and remembering that horrible pain. I would guess it has and does happen to all of us. It's that just going along trying to make it day by day that knocks us down in a second. As for myself I can be doing something totally mundane, and suddenly get hit with a painful memory, and I'll be right back there in the the hospital watching Justin die. Just like you experienced this morning is what I think most people that haven't lost a child just don't get. They have no idea that many things in our daily life bring back the pain of losing our children. It's all jumbled together with trying to remember happy times, and then the bad memories sneak in there. In the year and a half that Justin has been gone I have been through those emotional flashbacks many times. Sometimes it consumes me, and I go back to bed, and cry. I feel like I'm right back to the beginning of wanting to know why this happened to me. Why did I have to lose my son. Sometimes I can block it out, and keep doing whatever it was I was doing. It takes great effort to block it out and go about being "normal." My advice to you for what it's worth. Stay strong. For some reason we have to go through this. Concentrate on those you have living and loving you here and now. Give 100 percent of yourself to those here that are worthy of your love. That love will help you get through day by day until you see your child in heaven again. Peace to you. Justin's Mom forever
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    I would like to join the club...become a full fledged member of the ones of us that people have said hurtful, stupid things to. Sometimes I just get so angry!! Most of the people I deal with daily in my life are clueless of the neverending pain we all endure. They have no clue that I mostly act like I'm okay. It won't ever go away. It might become less intense at times, but it will always be there. We have lost our beloved children, and there's no "making that better", "getting over it", or "changing it." I would love to just once go "OFF" on the people that say insensitive things to me. I don't. I keep silent. Inside I cry, and tell myself they would never ever understand. Instead I get mad at myself for not setting people straight about what they do to hurt me. It hurts me deeply when people think I should be okay now since my son has been gone a year and a half. Or that I need counseling. No amount of counseling is going to bring Justin back. And it hurts me even more when no one mentions Justin's name. Like he didn't exist. This just sucks. I don't know about anyone else here, but I'm guessing it's the same, I have quite a long list of the people I thought were friends, and/or family that have let me down through this grieving process. Thank God, I found Beyond Indigo. Everyone here understands. Justin's Mom forever
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Chumba, I haven't posted or read beyond indigo posting for a while. But I was reading part of one of your posts. Forgive me for asking...... did your son have a heart transplant? My reason for asking is my son Justin had a heart transplant at the age of 7. At the age of 15 he suddenly became ill, an unknown virus attacked his heart and he spent three months in ICU hooked up to so much "hardware". He was on a left and right side heart assist pump the machine sat on the outside of his body. It..... the VAD as it's called... did the work for his heart. The doctors were trying to get Justin well enough to maybe, just maybe get a 2nd heart transplant. Justin died on January 9, 2005 from sepsis overcoming his body. I'm sorry for bringing up such hard memories. I just thought after reading a little of your post that you truly know what it's like to watch your child suffer through all of those terrible, but necessary machines hooked up to them. That strong image has been my hardest image to chase away and not let it consume me. As I'm sure everyone here has... some days are better than others. If you feel like it tell me about your son, Chris. God Bless, and may we all find some peace. Another grieving mom, Justin's mom forever
  6. Kids' Memorial Sites

    Justin Michael Knauer May 12, 1988 - January 9, 2004 Son of Michael and Bobbie Knauer Brother of Stacey Knauer http://justin-knauer.memory-of.com/about.aspx
  7. Loss of a Teenager

    MomofTravis, I'll be right there with you May 12th, Thursday. My wonderful Justin was born May 12, 1988. He would have been 17 as well. Last year on Mother's Day we had a dedication ceremony for his headstone placement and a picnic in the park afterwards. We also live in Indiana. Today...Mother's Day I am sitting in front of my computer not knowing what to do with myself. Don't you feel like we get double-whammied with grief? It's bad enough it's Mother's Day without our sons, but it's also their birthdays. Most of the time I can get through the really dark days of wishing things were different, but days like today and his birthday are just so hard. He should be here with me, his dad and sister. We all miss him so much. Take Care, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers Thursday. Justin's Mom 4-EVER
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    lindystar002, I believe your loss is newer than mine. Your Stacy died not too long ago. Justin died January 9, 2004. So it has been a year and 3 months for me. Let me tell you I have went through some gut-wrenching terrible emotions. For the first year I thought I would never stop crying. And I could not get the terrible images of Justin in Riley Hospital out of my head. Now at this phase, most of the time I feel numb. It may sound awful but the only way I function is to chase all those horrible thoughts out of my head. But by doing that I can't even allow good memories in. It just hurts too much. Justin had a heart transplant when he was 7 years old. He was born with complex heart problems. We were constantly making trips to Indianapolis for checkups. He did pretty well with his heart transplant up until October of 2003. Then he got a virus that shut his kidneys down, caused heart failure, and many, many other terrible complications. He fought to live for 3 months at Riley, but sepsis overcame him in January. He would have had to have a kidney transplant as well a 2nd heart transplant. So much for a 15 year old boy to live through. Anyway, write again. It's nice to have so much in common, even though the reason we do stinks. Mom of Justin
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    lindystar002, Just wanted to say hello to you. I am also from Indiana. My 15 year old son Justin died in Jan.04 from acute heart transplant rejection. He was at Riley Hosp for 3 months in ICU. I saw him go through so much pain and sufferring in ICU waiting to get a 2nd heart transplant. He died from many complications before he ever got listed for a 2nd heart transplant. I know how you feel about the pain of watching our kids suffer. I don't know how I have made it this far in my grief. I guess you just have to take one day at a time. I also wanted to tell you that my only surviving child, my daughter, her name is Stacey. Stacey's birthday is February 27th. We have some strange things in common, don't you think? Stacey watched my son go through all the terrible things in the hospital as well for 3 months. It has been hard on all of us to try and block those terrible painful memories out. I miss him so much. I so wish it was all just a bad dream. I seem to cope the best when I keep myself really busy. Take Care, Justin's Mom Forever
  10. Loss of a Teenager

    Mom of Travis, My son Justin was 15 when he died January 9, 2004. I felt compelled to respond to you because Justin's birthday is also May 12, 1988. Small world. We also live in Indiana. Justin wasn't a great athlete though. Due to being born with heart problems he never played sports. Mother's Day always had more meaning to me because occasionally his birthday fell on Mother's Day, as I'm sure it did for you also. Usually his birthday was a much bigger celebration than Mother's Day, but that was okay with me. I was happy we had him. Last year we dedicated his memorial stone on Mother's Day. I miss him so much, and I am just trying to find a way to live with the pain day by day. I can't believe it's been a year and a month since I've last seen him. Take Care, Mom of Justin
  11. Loss of a Teenager

    Truebeliever, Another coincidence in our pain. Justin also died on a Friday at 2:47 p.m. Just about the time he got home from school every day. For the longest time I had a huge problem with Fridays. I finally (don't know how) made myself stop thinking about time. Take Care, Justin's Mom 4-ever
  12. Loss of a Teenager

    Truebeliever, I lost my 15 year old son Justin from heart failure on January 9, 2004. He was also a medically fragile child. I spent his entire 15 years caring for him, loving him, and trying to help him have a happy, normal life. He was born with heart problems, and had a heart transplant when he was 7 years old. After his heart transplant he lived for 8 years with no complications. Suddenly in October of 2004 he got a mysterious stomach viral infection that attacked his heart. He was in ICU for three months fighting every day to stay alive. His body succumbed to sepsis in January. I miss him so much, think about him all the time. I desparately wish I could change everything, but I can't. For several months I did not know what to do with myself because like I said I was his primary caregiver. I have a daughter that is going to be 19 soon. She doesn't need me like Justin did. I am still at this point a year later trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. I'm not sure I will ever figure it out. It all seems like a terrible dream that I can't wake up from. I just wanted to touch base with you. I know exactly how you feel. Justin's Mom 4-ever
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    January 9, 2004.......... I was standing beside my son's hospital bed knowing that within a short period of time it would be the last time I would see him breathe. The pain I felt was gut wrenching, and undescribable. It was all like some surreal nightmare happening right before my eyes. How could I say goodbye to my only son? My son who brought so much joy, and love to our lives. My son that overcame many, many medical obstacles in his 15 years wouldn't survive this time. He was so courageous throughout everything he went through just to live. And he was courageous when he passed on. After he was gone the next few days were filled with that shocking grief of knowing you have to go through all of the motions to bury your child. Justin gave me one more gift from beyond that I would like to share. The day after his burial he came to me in a dream. It's the only dream/vision I've had of him, and somehow I think it is the only one I will get. He showed me he was at his funeral visitation. Showed me exactly where he was sitting in the funeral home. Later when talking to our minister I told him that I saw Justin in a dream. Before I said anything else our minister told me exactly where he had also seen Justin at the funeral home and where he was sitting. I believe I got one of the greatest gifts a grieving parent can receive. I got a clear message that Justin was okay where he was now. He showed me this. I will hold on to that message. Even though I can't physically see him anymore he is okay. I love you Justin forever MOM
  14. How We Honor Our Children

    evanryan, One year ago today is the day my wonderful son Justin went to Heaven at age 15. The words you wrote touched my heart so much. I have to keep trying to be a good, giving, kind, loving person, just as Justin was. What you said is what keeps me going............ "He did his best while on this earth and the least I can do is to try my best as well. When all is said and done, this will be my most treasured memorial to my beloved son. Mom of Justin
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tiffany & Chris's Mom, Thank you for acknowledging my post. It's nice to know someone out there is listening. As I reflect on the last year without Justin I can see some really terrible changes that have affected my husband, daughter and myself. We have all three in different ways taken on some really destructive habits. My habit would be using over-the-counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep. I find I can't sleep without them now. Has anyone else had this happen to them? I think I'm going to try and focus on making us a healthier family in 2005. Somehow I will try and muster up some strength and start fixing what has slowly developed over the past year. I think we're at a fork in the road, so to speak. So really.......... what choice do I have? I love you Justin Mom
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