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About DianeS

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 05/12/1954
  1. I'm glad to hear that you decided to go to a grief counselor. A few weeks after my brother's death I started attending a grief support group and it helped a lot. Like you, the first time I tried to speak, all I could say was that my brother had died and then I had to choke that out. As hard as it is to talk about your brother right now, it gets a little easier each time. I also remember thinking that although I wanted to intense pain to end, it would mean I was forgetting my brother. That couldn't have been farther from the truth. What happens instead, is that when the pain starts to ease a little, you are able to think more clearly and can remember some of the good things, rather than just his death. Grief has a way of sabbotaging you though. You think you're making good progress and then WHAM!, out of the blue something slams you back to square one. At least it feels like square one. It's actually not though. It's more like two steps forward, one back. You're still making progress, but sometimes you have to go backwards a bit before you can move forward. The important thing is to keep moving ahead and allow yourself to feel the emotions and pain, even though at times you just don't think you can do it. One thing that was an eye-opener for me when I attended the grief support group was that there were several people there who had lost a loved one 10 years ago and they were just then starting to deal with the grief. It was a good lesson to me...you can deal with it now, or you can deal with it later. It doesn't just go away. It is work. Not fun, but necessary. Hang in there. DianeS
  2. Hi H, I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. My youngest brother, who was 29 at the time, died in an Air Force plane crash. It has been 22 years since his death and although I still think of him daily and miss him dearly, the pain does ease. It's not easy and it doesn't come quickly, but you do get there. I remember the shock and horror of his death so vividly and the affect it had on our family. Reach out to those around you, talk about your brother, cry. I remember standing in the shower crying one morning before work a few weeks after my brother's death, wondering if there would ever be a day without tears. It seemed impossible then, but one day you wake up and realize that you are still grieving and in pain, but the pain has softened a little. I will never forget my brother and I sometimes feel cheated that we had so little time with him, but in time you will start to remember him without the tears and you'll begin to smile at the memories of him, rather than just cry. Hang in there. You will get there. Take care, DianeS
  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My mom was also my best friend. I can't believe it's been over 20 years since she died. She was just 58 and died less than six weeks after the diagnosis of lung cancer. She'd never smoked a cigarette in her life and lived a very healthy lifestyle. One thing I'd like to suggest to you is to talk to her about her impending death. From what you said, she has tried to broach the subject with you, but you've been unable to talk about it. One of the things that has helped me deal with her death, especially the first few weeks and months after she died, was knowing that we said and allowed her to say everything she wanted to say to us before she died. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but in retrospect it was also very special. It was a gift she gave to us and I can only assume she felt the same way, having had us share our feelings, thoughts, fears, etc. about her leaving us. We'd learned the hard way just 9 months prior to her illness that you never get a second chance to say what you want to say. My youngest brother was killed in an Air Force plane crash 9 months to the day before my mom died. We did not get to tell him good-bye or say the things that were on our heart. Things were left so unfinished. As hard as it may be, talk to your mom about it. Let her express her feelings, fears, hopes, whatever about what may lie ahead for her. It is not easy, but you'll never regret it. I remember saying to her that I wasn't ready to lose her and I practically choked on the words. Saying that though, allowed us to face what we were both feeling, knowing there was nothing we could do to stop what was inevitable. The memories I have of her final weeks are mixed with joy and much sorry. I have to tell you though, that I learned more from my mom about life in those final weeks than I'd learned from her the previous 34 years of my life. It's such a difficult time, yet it can be a true treasure. Blessings to you as you travel this very difficult road. Diane S
  4. Hi diane wondered if we could talk when we are both online

  5. I am now a Ghost

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I want to suggest that you post on the "loss of a child" forum under the "loss of an adult child" section. There are many wonderful, compassionate parents there who will truly understand and support you. Diane S
  6. Lost my beautiful dog this morning

    I also feel your pain. The one thing I know from experience, after having had to put down 6 dearly-loved pets over the last few years, is that you always second-guess yourself afterwards. Even when I knew there was nothing that could be done and knew at that moment that I was doing the kindest thing possible for my dear hairy friend, I'd come home and second-guess myself. I'd do it for days. Every time. There is no easy way to get through this and never the right time to have to face that day. Every time I've had to make that decision I'd swear I'd never have another dog or cat because it breaks my heart every time I lose one. And then... a few weeks later one seems to find me, or I feel that tug to start looking for a new pet. Not a replacement, but another companion. When the process of putting a pet down does not go smoothly it makes it doubly hard to deal with. I had a similar situation with one of my cats a few years ago and it broke my heart. At the same time I knew that going through with it would spare my little friend a much worse fate if the disease was allowed to run its course. I struggled terribly for a few days afterwards, remembering those little frightened eyes looking at me. It is really hard to get past those thoughts, but over time it's much better. I knew I'd done all I could for her and that even in her last frightening moments I was holding her and talking to her and I believe that was the last thing she heard after the shot made her relax, before the final injection. That's what counts. You did all you could for your dear pet and now you have to try to be kind to yourself, knowing you would never have purposely hurt him. You loved him until the end and he knew it. The last thing he experienced in this life was your loving touch and kind voice. You did not fail him. DianeS
  7. Suddenly taken away

    Angel, I'm glad to see that you are finally taking steps to move ahead in your life. Your mother would be proud to see that you are able to go on, in spite of missing her terribly. To stay stuck in grief forever would surely make them very sad for us. Good luck in your studies and keep striving to move forward. Making the effort is the first step. DianeS
  8. Angel, Be careful about the advice you give on medication. Not telling your doctor about a problem with a heart beat and then having him prescribe a medication could be a serious, if not fatal result. In prescribing medication a doctor needs to know about anything that could be a potential problem. Just a caution. I have to say that I worry about some of the advice you are doling out here. Most people get to a point where they want to move on from the constant grief and depression. We are all different and we all move through it at our own speed, but more than once you have made a comment about not wanting to move on and that worries me. Moving on is NOT forgetting. It does not, in any way, diminish the life of the person we lost. It is normal and healthy to engage in life outside of grief at some point. If after two years your life is a "void and meaningless," there is something very wrong. If she is still "just gone" in your mind after this long, this is not healthy. Again, as I said earlier, loss is a part of EVERYONE'S life, at one time or another. It is a harsh fact of life, but it is something we all have to face. It is awful and unbearable, but it is also something that we can and must recover from at some time. To not do so is unhealthy. Can you imagine if everyone who lost someone dear to them never worked to move forward and heal? It would be a dreadful world to live in. There are many who have faced loss and who have begun to heal. You can choose to stay where you are, but from your posts, it sounds like a lonely sad place to live. Wouldn't you rather remember your mother as the wonderful person she was and remember the love and life she shared with you, rather than think only of her death? Dr. Phil has a great perspective on this. He says that the person you loved and lost is not defined by the day or the way they died, but by the life they lived. I would think at some point you would want to begin to step over to the other side and begin to live life again. Again, we honor those we lost when we live life in a way they would be proud of. I hope you can find the strength and will to begin to heal at some point. I know I would much rather come here and see that there are those who have loved, lost and still live. It would be so discouraging to me to read only that I have to stay where I am in order to remember that person I lost. People need encouragement to begin to heal. They need understanding from those who have also lost, but they really need to know that life will not always feel this way, unless we choose to stay where we are. Those of you who are very new to this loss...It hurts terribly, feel it. It feels like it will never change, but it will, if you let it (in time). You do not have to live forever feeling the way you do now. You will for awhile and you will NEVER forget or get over it, but you can begin to live life remembering your mother without it having to destroy the rest of your life. Keep moving ahead, no matter what it takes. DianeS
  9. Socal, I know so well what you mean by the mornings being the hardest. I remember feeling the same way. You wake up and for a minute things are ok. And then there is that thought that something is wrong. Next it's like a ton of boulders drops on you again. It's very painful. That too does ease with time. So much of the process is just letting the time pass. As hard as that is to hear, it is the truth. It was quite awhile before I could think of my mom and remember the good times. For quite sometime all it was was painful memories and the hole in my heart. It's a hole that cannot be filled by anything or anyone but your mom. And good for you for realizing so early on that you can't give up because you have to live the life she wanted for you. That will make all the difference for you. It may not seem like it now, but hold on to that. I'm glad you tried going to a group. I did the same thing. It was a "Surviving Loss" group. After the first time I wasn't sure either. I didn't say much, in fact I could only get out the words, "My mom died" before the tears came. I went back though and it did help. What struck me the most was that there were people there who had lost someone ten years ago or longer. Each said the same thing...they said they had not dealt with the loss at the time and now it was back with a vengeance. That was a good lesson for me. It helped me to understand that the sooner I let myself grieve and feel the pain, the better I would be. I did not want to be like those still struggling with it 10 years later. My mom's birthday is next week. Those dates, especially the first after their death, are so hard. Bless you as you try to get through today. DianeS
  10. Hi again, After posting my last post I read through some of the postings on the 'loss of a child' forum. I am copying and pasting part of a post that was posted today. This is exactly what I am talking about. I am inspired to do the same when I read something like this. I find myself thinking that if a parent can make this choice after losing their child, their heart and soul, then I can also make that choice and do the best I can from here on out. I thought it might also be inspiring to you. There is hope for healing. "My son died of brain cancer, Oct 14, 2006. He fought it so bravely for 17 months, but we knew from the outset that it was going to win the battle, but the war it did not win...Mike taught us all about bravery, unconditional love, and peace with whatever life hands you...this seems to be the thread that goes through all of the posts here...we all learned so much from our kids, whether we are parents who got the "dreaded phone call," or parents who sat by their bedside and watched our precious babies leave, an hour at a time...the pain lives in our hearts, but the joy that they put there works its way through and brings us to life again...when we think of all the love they gave us in the short time they were with us, how could we not honor them by living our lives to best of our ability, eventually...it takes time, lots of time, and help, and here is where you will find lots and lots of help..."
  11. Novangel, I do feel for you. I really do. Yes, it has been 20 years, but that number 20 did not just magically appear. It started at day one, just as it did for you and everyone else here. It was hell and it hurt more than I even want to remember. And remember, I was also grieving my 29 year old brother's death at the same time. He died in an Air Force plane crash just nine months before my mom's death. My mom had been healthy all her life and then she was diagnosed with lung cancer (a non-smoker) and died less than six weeks later. Again, it was hell. I sometimes wonder how I ever made it through those first couple of years. I remember standing in the shower several months after her death wondering if there would ever be a day without tears. I'm glad you've realized that you need medication. There is nothing wrong or weak in having to do that. We do what we have to do to get through. But...we also have to want to move forward and heal. As hard as it is to do that, it is harder to stay where we are in that deep, dark pit. The end result deciding that we need to accept the death and work towards healing and finding our new normal is that we one day wake up and realize that we are starting to do better. Believe me, I grieved hard and cried so much I thought I'd never stop. It is such a hard process. But it is just that...a process. If you are not moving through the grief stages, even very slowly, then it is time to search out help. There are resources to be found if we want to find them. At first it is one step at a time, one hour, one day, one month. And then there are times when we find ourselves right back where we started, but we begin to move ahead again. We are only given so much time on this earth and I believe it is up to each of us to decide what we will do with that time. I would do anything to have my mom back, but since that is not possible I will continue to move forward, missing her each day. The alternative is not a choice that I can even consider. As I said in my last post, I choose to live my life to honor her memory. I know it would disappoint her terribly to continue to grieve so deeply forever. Again, I am not saying this just because I am 20 years down the road. I remember all too clearly how it felt in the early days. It is awful. It is all-consuming. It feels like it will never change. But remember, I started at the same place you started. Just keep focusing on moving forward. There are so many good things in this life to be had, if we let ourselves experience them without a wall of unending grief. Socal, Of course you aren't even out of denial yet. That takes time. It is so overwhelming. My mom was sick such a short time and had been healthy as an ox all her life. To watch her die in less than six weeks was surreal. We were all grieving so deeply for my younger brother. It was hard to believe it could be happening again, so soon. You will get through it because you have to. I know it seems impossible right now. Time does help. It doesn't heal everything, but it dulls the pain and you learn to adjust. The pain may get worse, but if you let yourself feel that pain you will move through the process. I agree with butterfly, at times I miss my mom more now than I did when she died. When she died I felt like I'd told her everything I wanted to say to her. In a very short period of time I realized I had a lifetime of things to still tell her. We were so close. To be honest, there are still days when I find myself almost reaching for the phone to call her. I know she's not there, but that desire to talk to her has never gone away. I have so much to tell her now. I don't know how we get through it, but we do. Again, we are not alone. Read other strands on this forum. There are so many people who have lost loved ones. There are many parents on the loss of a child forum whose hearts are shatered. There are parents there who are several years down the road and they also tell of how they've begun to heal. Many of them also say they've chosen to heal because it would dishonor their child to not try to live their life to the fullest. It doesn't come quickly and it certainly doesn't come easily, but it will come in time...if you let it. Blessings to all of you. DianeS
  12. Two weeks is really early to begin thinking of medication. It takes time...sometimes a lot of time...to begin to heal from the death of your mom. My mom died nearly 20 years ago and sometimes I can't believe it has been that long. I miss her everyday and think of her so very often. However, the pain does subside...if you let yourself heal and do the work of grieving. If you don't it takes much longer and can keep you down much longer than it should. I remember that raw, deep, deep pain and longing when my mom died. It was a physical pain. It came on the heels of my youngest brother's sudden death, nine months to the day before mom died. That was the hardest year of my life. It was also the beginning of a long, difficult journey. However... you can do it and you will. If you have no one who understands, find a counselor, a grief support group, something. For the person who wrote just before you and said that after two years you are still in the same place you were when your mom died, I'd like to gently say that you have to make a choice to move on and find a new normal now. It is time. It is not what any of us would choose, but it is life now. We cannot control what happens in our lives, but we can make a choice of how we will deal with it. We need to allow ourselves time to grieve, but we also have to allow ourselves to begin to move on. My mom was so full of life and was such a character. I would not be honoring her if I had continued to grieve so hard and let it affect my life in a negative way forever. She loved life and I know she would want me to do the same. I can only imagine how sad it would have made her if I'd have stayed in that same place year after year. Letting them go is not forgetting them. Death, as difficult as it is, is a part of everyone's life. Look around you. Everyone experiences it at some time. We all lose our loved ones. There is no way around it. I remember when my brother died a close friend who worked with the families of the terminally ill said something that has stayed with me. She said when a patient of hers would die and a family member would as "why" she would say to them, "It's just your turn." None of us is exempt. It is the hardest reality of life. If we look outside of our little world of grief we will see many people we know who have experienced the same thing as us. Some have experienced multiples losses and yet they find a way to move on. We all make a choice. We can choose to move on and try to live life in a way that honors our mother's, or we can sit where we are, in our dark, sad, scary world. It is not easy and it is not quick, but we can do it. You can do it. You just have to begin to make that choice and take steps to move outside of the place you have been in for so long. You are the only one who can make that choice for you. We all grieve differently, but if we are to do more than just survive after such a loss, we have to make that choice. Your family may or may not understand. Perhaps they do understand, but feel that you are "stuck." Not everyone moves at the same pace, but if you are still where you were two years ago, they are probably very worried about you. Actually, you should probably be worried about yourself if you are unable to move on and begin to heal after this long. There are mental health experts who deal with loss who could likely help you. If you are unable to afford that, most towns have support groups of some kind. If not there, then possibly a church group. I don't know what you have available, but if you really want to begin to heal and move forward with your life, it will take some work. Don't be afraid of doing the work. Life still has a lot to offer you, but you have to be willing to accept it. It is your choice. I'm not suggesting that it is an easy choice to make. I am talking to you from someone who knows the loss of a mother who was also my best friend. It is my choice to live my life in a way that would make her proud. I'll miss her and long to see her again for the rest of my life, but that does not have to dictate how I live my life. I also miss my brother dearly, as well as my dad who died a little over a year ago. Half of my family is now gone, but I still have a life to live here and it is my choice to live fuly the time I have left. Even in my mother's last year, after the death of her youngest son, she was able to smile and find joy in life (although mixed with great pain). I learned more from her in her last year of life than I learned the previous 33 years of my life. I watched her grieve deeply for her son, fight cancer and still be a part of our lives and find pleasure in those around her. She taught me some valuable lessons that I carry to this day and hope that I can pass on to my children and grandchildren. I hope you will also make the choice to begin to let yourself heal and move on. You'll never forget your mom, but you CAN live with that loss without having it destroy you. I cannot help but think that this is what your mother would wish for you as well. Best wishes, DianeS
  13. Almost Hopeless

    I am so very sorry for your loss. If you have not checked out the "loss of a child" section of this forum, you should try it. There is a section called "loss of an adult child" that has many compassionate, caring people who offer great support to each other. I'm sure you will find a lot of support and friendship there. DianeS
  14. My child has gone

    I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I just wanted to suggest that you visit the "loss of a child" section of this forum. There are many parents there who are going through the same thing you are going through and who offer wonderful support and comfort to each other. DianeS
  15. Long answer. I'm glad you've found support here. That's what it's all about. Sometimes words get in the way of what we really want to say. I find it hard to find the true meaning in your posts. For that reason maybe they are interpreted the wrong way. It's clear from your reply that that is not your intent. However, when you have to explain what you really mean maybe fewer words, said more clearly would be better. You are very vague and like to play with words a lot. That's fine and I also enjoy doing that. Sometimes though, it leads to misunderstanding. The last thing I want is to make your journey more difficult. I hope you also feel the same way and that your posts will reflect that. I will bow out of this particular forum because I do not want to cause problems. Just wanted to give my perspective. DianeS