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  1. Today
  2. Thanks for this share Andy, Its been about 11 days since our anniversary date. Like you I started trying to do some things and got "busy" and was not able to post on this website. I have more going on today than I did several months ago. Thats for sure. I strongly identify with your statement above which I bolded. A glimpse of a new reality is the perfect statement. I have told a few people this past week that I can possibly see a way or path to move forward. Not a pleasant path, but a path nevertheless. But it comes in glimpses, then retreats, then appears again, then retreats, while leaving me in a rollercoaster of emotions up and down. I too have quit crying as much and certainly dont break down as rapidly. But for me the glimpses dont look happy or joyful or even appear to have the possibility of happiness in them. They are just glimpses of moving on with a life and business and meetings and talking to people, etc in a life that feels "finished" and "forever incomplete" to me. That said I do occassionally see glimpses that it is possible to "live" again but these are very wierd and strange visions that may be based more in fantasy than reality. And it seems like I dont know the character in those visions that is supposed to be me. i still dont care much about going on but I do. Every day I still get up and do things. But also every day I still beg for this nightmare to end. I talk to my wife quite a lot but I dont really know if she hears me or not. I can only hope so. My identity was so wrapped up in "us" I don't really have a "me". It was "our" dream to move to thailand. It was "our" dream to start a business here. It was "our" life of exploration. I have never really been a happy person and now that she is gone I see my pre-wife unhappiness returning in spades since I now know what I am missing. I tried to go socialize last night and lasted 3 hours. Getting better at that (not saying enjoying). But when it was over everything just seemed so futile again. I remember these conversations about how much a house cost, is there a swimming pool, what part of town is it in, etc. Listening to this garbage just re-inforces how meaningless I already believe life to be without my wife. I think I was able to last the three hours because we discussed a bit of language stuff and talked about food. If I wasnt at least giving a half measure towards learning the language here I would have zero purpose and surely would have died by now.
  3. Mario left almost 2 months ago and I'm still wishing he will came back, I dont know how, but a part of me is hoping this bad moment "to end" but I keep telling to myself to focus in reality, thinking that "they'll come back" is not helpful, it give us the fake illusion of "relieve" or "consolation" but I try to keep my mind in reality even knowing reality is an awful place to live without Mario. Some nights are worst than other, and the worst ones hit me with the feeling of hopelessness, nothings helps, I just fall into this black whole who is hurting so much but leaves me alive to go through every day carrying all this sadness, friend, it wont get easier, it will never be easy. Cry, scream and hit the wall if you need to We are here for you
  4. Hi Djh0901kc, I read your recent posts but I am hoping you are feeling better tonight. I know we can all relate because we all lost someone special. I lost my wife exactly 3 weeks ago. We're both 39. I'm still in shock. Like you, I'd give anything to be with my wife again and I miss her dearly. All i do is think about her. It's really sad and I wished this is all a dream. If you want to talk or exchange texts I can be here to support you. I'm grateful with all of the members here. I come here at night, read random posts, and it helps me to know that I am not alone and grieving is part of life, whether we like it or not.
  5. Donna, ,First, I am so sorry we are all in this grief club here. Around the 6th or 7nth, month mark, give or take, depending on the person, is when total reality sets in. Shock and denial fade away and the full force of our nightmare kicks in. This process is so unique for everyone. I attended my first grief support meeting after about 2 months. I have very little support in the way of family or friends and I benefited from being among others who experienced loss and just getting away from the house. I live in an area of country living isolation and considered myself fortunate to have at least that venue of support. There are no grief counselors/therapists in my area. I went through the burden of guilt phase during the early months. It takes a lot of effort to stop thinking that way. We wish so much to have been able to change the outcome, but we cannot go back in time. We were living in the moment and going with the knowledge we had at the time or just going about our usual daily grind when our loved ones passed, per our circumstances at the time. As humans, we feel that sense of responsibility that we could have, should have, saved them. We were not able to and it is hard to get past that. I would suggest in seeing a professional when you feel it is time and you are comfortable, a little more at ease, in talking to someone. There are no time frames or rules for this. We have to follow our own path and take our time through the process, which, for most of us, will be the rest of our lives. We will always love and miss our partners. (HUGS)
  6. Hi Donna, I lost my wife exactly 3 weeks ago today. I went to a grief counselor as soon as I got home (my wife passed while we were in vacation in Europe). I even began psycho therapy even before the funeral. I still feel terrible. But the therapy has helped me. I am by no way feeling great but it has been more helpful than not. I know I have yet to experience all the pains to my loss but I'm still greatful that I found the strength to go out and seek the help that I need. Im also looking into joining a few grief support groups and some classes that's in my community. If you work for a large organization they may offer counseling at no cost. It's usually called Employee Assistance Program. You can also check with your health insurance for coverage. Inhope this information helps.
  7. I am going through the guilt, would have, could have, why didn't I see all know. The grief remains a roller coaster, certainly not as constant as it was in the very beginning. Yet I still remain in shock. I still think this could be a nightmare and I will wake up....part of the denial stage, I suppose. A couple friends have suggested I see a grief therapist. I just don't want to talk to anyone yet. I feel it is still too tender for me to verbalize to a stranger. Any suggestions? Have most of you who have seen a therapist did it early on or wait until the trauma and shock settles?
  8. Thank you so much for sharing your rainbow. We all need hope. Hope that one day we might be happy or just not as miserable as today. Grief described as a roller coaster is so fitting. Been having a couple very low days. I want a rainbow.
  9. Azipod, first let me say that I'm sorry for your loss. It saddens me every time a new "member" arrives at these dark shores. This bird you've found, I'm not qualified to say whether it means anything beyond the obvious, or it does in fact represent a message of some sort. I can only offer my thoughts. My belief system in matters of faith and the divine were, for the most part, well established prior to the passing of my wife. However, I've grown to accept that even my understanding of these things is incomplete and as a result, evolves over time. Full disclosure, my faith is rooted in Christianity, but I've opened up to possibilities of our reality, the nature of God, and our ultimate fate. I believe that the natural and supernatural coexist, that we live in a "pattern" of infinite complexity that as we are in it, we can not discern it's true form or nature. Only by transcending this plane, ascending to a higher existence, can we see this tapestry and its ultimate purpose, if you will. I also believe "signs", if that's what they are, are all around us. Sometimes they aren't meant for us, sometimes we see them, sometimes we can't because we aren't open to them, perhaps we see but don't understand. I experienced things just prior and subsequent to my wife's passing that for me, left little doubt as to what I was witnessing. Three weeks prior to her passing, my dearest friends father passed. He and his family experienced many similar things that I did. This bird you've found, I can't say at all what, if anything, it means. It did make enough of an impression upon you that you sought help or guidance with its implications, so perhaps it is something. It's noteworthy that you weren't looking when you happened upon this poor animal. That's when I had the most profound experiences, when I wasn't looking. As to what it means, I think that's for you to unravel. This is just my opinion/belief/ever changing understanding of a universe (s?) that grows more complex and awe inspiring as each day goes by. And the more complex it becomes, then so must God, and as I let go of some of my simple and "safe" assumptions of God and the nature of God, I've fully embraced the idea that the divine is beyond my grasp. And that's okay. We all arrive at whatever truth we arrive at. Each of us has our own journey, everyone unique. As long as we allow for possibilities, then I think revelation of "truth" can come to us all. Of course, I may be quite mad. Either way, I'm okay with it. Andy
  10. Yesterday
  11. Azipod, Depending on your beliefs, see the bird according to what your heart and intuition see it as.Spiritually, a dead bird in your path can be seen as a sign of transition, change. A new beginning. If you believe in animal spirit guides, the bird can be seen as that spirit guide you are no longer needing and a new animal spirit guide coming in to help you with this new life path you are on.
  12. 4Hdad, I'm so happy for you! I guess that this is what life is all about. Taking risks for that spiritually deep connection to another. Someone who will become a life partner. Your new lady sounds like a fantastic, ambitious person who is living and enjoying life on her terms. You and her will be growing and learning together. Everything will follow along naturally.
  13. Djh0901kc, We just want to wake up from the nightmare. We don't want this to be real, but we know it is. I can see the struggle and pain in your words .I don't know myself if things get "better", but the intensity of the pain does not stay the same. It tapers off, over time, to a dull throbbing and we learn to adapt in coexisting with it. You are only a month into this unwanted, different life, and you will experience many, many, waves of grief. After awhile, the waves won't crash into you quite so often. We learn to ride them out. We know what to expect when we feel them coming and we learn coping skills we each find the hard way, in dealing with those waves. Almost a year later, I still find it hard to look at pictures. So many memories surrounding a photo. How can a person who meant the world to us, be suddenly, permanently gone? Take care of yourself, one day at a time. I know how hard this is.
  14. Personally, I believe God will sometimes allow us to experience signs in our lives, and I also think our loved ones communicate with our souls using signs and messages. I like to think of it as their way of saying they love us. I also feel when we lose someone we love so much, we desperately want a sign, any sign telling us they are OK and continue on somewhere. My thinking is this, your wife's spirit is *Alive* not dead and I don't feel a dead bird is indicative of what she is. See the dead bird for what it is, not what you want it to be.
  15. I do believe signs are real, sometimes we are capable to see them, it all depends how open is your heart to listen up and understand what the universe is trying to say, if you felt deep inside your heart it is a sing, it probably is, so, keep listen up your heart and it will guide you through the real meaning.
  16. Thank you all for your thoughts, it was a rough afternoon. I left work feeling drained. We had plans last night to attend our local symphony in the park, and before we left for that we talked about the day. After the evening, my batteries had been completely recharged and we'd grown even closer. We understand each other on a level I've never experienced before. We're still learning the ins-and-outs of this new relationship, because neither of us has been with someone who's situation and experience so closely resemble our own. Although we come from vastly different backgrounds, we've found ourselves at this point in time with the same feelings, experiences and emotions in play, and the same wants, needs and desires. We seem to make each other whole, if that makes sense. It's all too perfect. And so is she! She roofs and landscapes, she rides a 1,000 cc Suzuki crotch rocket, she plays at least 3 instruments, has a masters degree, is a kindergarten teacher, and she's teaching me to swing dance. She's dainty, feisty, funny, incredibly smart and ridiculously cute, and it seem that we adore one another. I'm learning that this is what makes all of it, everything else, worthwhile. This feels like a connection I've truly never had before. We're both well aware of the pain of loss, and though we never want to feel that again, I'm willing to risk it for her.
  17. Thank you Dee and Kate. I guess you cant tell I don't work, have no grandchildren or hobbies lol Kate. Hope the smoke doesn't get too bad. My sister lives on the island but has been vacationing in Kelowna all week and been close to the fires. We have had a lot of rain in Ontario this summer. Yes I do have totally different supports in my life now, including you guys. It took me six years to figure out. I don't have a lot of people in my life but the ones I do have are pure gold to me. I don't worry about getting hurt so much anymore. Have a nice weekend every one.
  18. I think it's probably just a dead bird but if it helps you to think it's more than that then more power to you. Grab at whatever you can.
  19. My wife passed away 3-weeks ago from today while we were on vacation in Europe. During the morning after the night I returned home to California, I found a bird lying on the sidewalk in front of my house. I carefully walked outside to investigate. What I saw was what appeared to be a small bird with no signs of trauma, lying on the ground dead. This bird was lying on the slab of sidewalk which directly meets the pathway/walkway to the front door of my house. It was 100% in the middle, not even the slightest bit to the left, or right. The bird was small, black in color, with small white dots on its body. The bird was beautiful. It appeared very young. In contrast, my wife was also petite, and passed at the young age of 39. One might be able to chalk this up as mere coincidence, but I can tell you that I've never seen a dead bird in my neighborhood, let alone one that looks so young, which happens to come to the front of my house the night after I return home abroad. I'm interested in hearing what others may think about this unusual occurrence.
  20. Nothing is getting better. I'll look at pictures of us from a few days before she died and can't understand how my life has fallen apart so quickly. I keep thinking maybe she will be back somehow and realize how foolish that is. I don't want this to be real. It can't be real. I need her to be here to tell me it's going to be alright
  21. KayC, I am so sorry. I didn't know you had taken a fall. I hope you weren't too seriously injured? I would be just like an insurance company to try and blame your dog to get out of the medical expenses. You are always in my prayers and I care about you and so do the others here! We are our own family here and I certainly get the weariness and just getting plain tired with this life amid the changes. You have been dealing with things alone far longer than us and my heart is always with you because I understand our similar situation. Please, keep your chin up! We are here for you and God knows your struggles and you know He will help however He can!
  22. Hello KayC, Have you found the pain easier as time went on or does the loss of your husband still hurt the same today. I have lost both my parents and a child, and the pain is unbearable for any loss. I think of what could have been with their lives they never got to experience. I think on how my parents will never travel to Europe for their anniversary, or enjoy their retirement like other people's parents. My daughter will never go to her first dance, have her first date, go to prom, or have her own wedding day. I mourn the loss of future grandchildren. Whenever I feel sad it is me wishing they had all the milestones that most people enjoy. Now, with the death of my boyfriend, and future husband I'm experiencing a new loss. The loss of my soulmate that includes me mourning "our future," in addition to mourning his death. My boyfriend and me were linked in a bond where I don't know where he began and where I ended. I'm learning to adjust to a new type of mourning. I don't know whether it's me being older this time suffering a loss. I was in my twenties when I lost everything, and then my boyfriend came into my life and made me feel again. May I ask what you did to help heal your pain.
  23. I definitely need to do that. A while ago I was trying to eat better and exercise more and it really did help my mood, but I guess lately I just haven't been doing much of it. Part of it is because I'm busy and the other part is I am just lazy and depressed and unmotivated. But I really should try to get back into that - i'm sure it will help.
  24. It is hard to break through that "nothing matters" feeling. I think it's always with us to some extent, but as you go further on your journey, you will find some things that matter. For me it's my dog and cat, my grandkids, my kids, although I don't see my kids and grandkids much and don't have much contact with them. It's mostly my dog, I live for him, I dread the day when...
  25. 4Hdad, This is the double side of the loving coin...on the one hand it feels really good to have someone who cares about you so much, on the other hand is the pain involved in caring so much that you worry about what could happen to them, what could change everything for you. Having been through this before, it is all the more on our minds. All you can do is what you are both doing, trying to work in safeguards to assure each other, trying to believe in the best and having faith to sustain you until you can talk again. A whole lot of emotion, I can imagine how drained you must be feeling. You're definitely in my thoughts and prayers. A lady that can roof, wow!
  26. Yes. And I wish sleep would come at night.
  27. Right now I don't have any close friends, I'm working on making friends but it's own so slow developing. Right now they're all somewhere between acquaintance and close friend, not quite there yet. And I do feel so alone. Especially with what I'm going through right now with my injuries from my fall seven weeks ago. The insurance investigator intimated yesterday that my dog pulled, causing my fall, I was so mad, you can't imagine! My dog was an angel, he didn't pull, he walked beside me, it was their negligence that caused my fall! I'm having to proceed with medical without their saying they'll pay for it, incurring thousands of dollars in expenses that my insurance won't pay for, not knowing how this will end, if there'll be resolution, I'm so weary and tired, tired of pain, my life has been altered, and I'm going through this all alone! No one to help, no one to care. I feel like crying.
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