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  2. I'm so sorry for your your loss. I lost my Charles, on December 6, 2016, and I still can't believe that he's gone and not coming back. You will have many emotions, such as anger, guilt, shock, and loneliness. As strange as these emotions may seem, they are quite normal and healthy. I know the pain is unbearable so I urge you to try to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Maybe there is a support group in your area that you might want to attend. There is no substitute from other persons who have experienced what you are now going through. Your feelings may leave your fatigue; respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest and try to eat a balanced meals whenever you can. Memories are the one of the best legacies that exist after someone dies. Treasure those that comfort you but also explore those that may trouble you. You can find healing even in the difficult ones. They, no doubt, will make you laugh and cry; in either case, they are a lasting part of the love you shared with your husband. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. You may be broken, but you're not broke. You have God-given strength - the kind that gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, only this time, Stronger than ever. Know that you are not alone, we are here to support, encourage and listen to you whenever you feel the need to post. I pray that God will give you strength for every battle, wisdom for every decision, and peace that surpasses all understanding.
  3. Minimizing someone else's grief is as tasteless and demeaning as one can get. Needless to say, my response would've been less than eloquent. I don't understand. From what my daughter tells me, this supervisor has a need to tell everyone about her stuggles with cancer, even complete strangers and customers. I think maybe there might be some sort of "attention" component in her motivation. If someone else's problem became larger, it might eclipse her need for pity? I really don't know, but it makes as much sense as anything else.
  4. Today
  5. I look forward to a time when living minute to minute becomes a distant but important memory...
  6. No one can help... I have four children and so have to function everyday. My husband was my world and my best friend. I am hoping everyday that Ian my husband will give me the strength to get through the day. There's basically at this point in our lives no where to go or be ...but live in a separate world of functionality. .. Sorry for anyone else suffering this constant pain...
  7. Silky, The times you spend with your other children are precious, but I also find that they are hard as well. I mourn for myself, but also mourn for the relationship that the siblings wont get to have. I try to really enjoy myself, and often make a good show of it for their sake and cry later when I am alone. For me, both of my boys were twins separated by a few years in looks so it makes it especially hard because I see so many things about my youngest that is a mirror of his older brother. I see his smile on my younger child's face. Sometimes it makes it very hard. Gretchen, Your art is beautiful. I find great healing in art myself, and I love your collages. I also have been having arguments with my husband. About little things, for me it's that I don't care very much about where dinner comes from, or what we are watching on TV, or what are plans are. I just don't care about small stuff anymore. I feel like I wasted so much time on little things and I just want to be near someone. Some times I just want to sit close by and not say anything. It's hard for him because he's so outgoing and engaging and I am feeling a bit disengaged. He sweats me over the little things, wanting me to have opinions and input and I really just wanna say idgaf and just continue to be. We hurt each others feelings unintentionally too with the ways we cope with the passing of our son. He wants to hang out with more people and I don't want to be around anyone really. Makes for some raw arguments and it can be difficult. My husband and I are thinking about seeing a counselor together. It might help us.
  8. You'll never know whether you have friends until something severe happens. My wife had a big circle of friends, most of them since teenage days or even early childhood. All of them disappeared when she got sick. Of course they all showed up at the funeral and said "call me if you need help". But why should I call anybody who wasn't there when my wife needed them the most. I think most of us have to deal with this alone. We have to deal with funeral arrangements, monthly bills, forms, taxes, all kinds of finance and red tape when all we want to do is curl up in a ball and mourn. I think this is why it's taking so long do deal with the actual loss and find a way to continue living. At the beginning everything is crushing down on us when we could handle it the least. I know I will continue to suffer for a long time. But that's nothing compared to what my wife had to go through. So I will accept it and someday I will find a way to continue living. I know she will always be with me through all of this.
  9. Don't you worry about getting rid of it if you don't want to, I'm right there with you I understand. It's your rite to hold onto whatever makes you feel secure forever if you want. That's your business and I also haven't told anyone either about it because of the reactions and feel like it's my thing and how I need to handle it. Thank you for sharing that link, she is beautiful and I'm glad you have something of her to reflect on forever. I know you don't feel very strong right now but just from your words I know you have strength beyond what most can handle. One day at a time, just keep saying that to yourself.
  10. In addition please understand your SO might be distancing because they feel like they don't know what to do to help you or support you, not because they've given up. And maybe they also get the feeling from you that you want to be alone. Miscommunication can be very damaging try with all of your soul to at least clear that up .
  11. I know there is nothing I can say to fix this for you. I can tell you that I told my nephew if that's what he wanted than he should. Move on. I am. It going to say that to you because everyday I wish I hadn't said that to him. Because now I blame myself I can just tell you your SO will definitely do the same. I'm sure you don't want to inflict that. My life has been ruined because of this, and some days I consider the same thing you are. But I know after I leave I would have caused pain so horrible it's unbearable. Please consider talking to your SO before you make any decisions, your SO deserves at least that conversation. I promise you I have thought about you everyday since I read your first post and have tried to send you warm energy. Please talk about this with your SO if not for the simple fact that they will have the chance to say things to you that they maybe never got to or will wish they would've have had the opportunity to. I feel that you are reaching out and deep inside there is a possible glimmer of hope. If nothing else please take the time to read through the posts of those of us who have been left with this dark grief that will never go away in order to seriously consider what the results of your actions will cause. I hope you can feel my words somehow.
  12. BKS Love I'm so sorry for you; of course it is different when you have a house opposed to an apartment. Sometimes moving on can be just what the doctor ordered. Don't think of it as 'moving on' from the apartment you both shared; think about 'moving forward' with your life. As you 'move forward', you do so with your loved one by your side, in your heart and within your breath. No matter what you decide, know that he is a part of you now and always. You move forward with him and continue to engage in life because of his inspiration. It takes courage to move from what you shared with your loved one; Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength. Don't think too much, you'll think your whole life away. When you need, God knows, when you ask, HE listens, when you believe, HE works and when you thanks, HE gives more. Don't let the devil put a question mark, where God has already put a period. Just stop, close your eyes, and follow your heart. I guarantee you, it knows the way. Whatever you decide, we are here for you. I pray that God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.
  13. I'll try because it's tearing me apart
  14. cp9042/KayC cp9042 -- I'm so sorry for your loss and truly know what you are going through. I lost the love of my life a little over 3 months ago and he was my world, my life, my all. While I know he physically won't be coming back, my mind is still not wanting to accept this 'new' reality. My mind is telling me that this a dream, to wake up and it will be over, but I can't. (talk about wierd). From your post, it appears you loved your husband and your both loved a lifetime. It really nice you still have a job which can keep your mind busy. Both my Charles and I had retired and were looking forward to our 'golden years' together. No matter what it was, as long as we were together doing it, it was fine. Now that is all gone and life, for me, is just existing; not look forward to anything or anyone. Sad, isn't it? But that's how I feel. KayC -- I can really relate. After my Charles died, I felt so did my friends; friends, I thought, I could always count on, depend on, no matter what. I felt bitter then, but now I only feel disappointment; disconnection and maybe surprised. I think I'm using the word, 'friends', to loosely. Let me refer them as 'acquaintances'. When I use the word "Friend", it holds a special meaning for me - it means believing in someone and supporting them through the happy, sad and difficult times. As sad as it may appear, I'm learning not to trust too much; not to love too much; not to hope too much, because that "too much" can and will hurt you 'so' much. Not a good day for me. God Bless us all!
  15. KayC----I wish there was something I could do for you to ease your burdens. I do pray for you, like I do for everyone here. I know you talk to George, just like I talk to Ed. Sometimes I do feel a calmness and feel that he is listening. We all want the best for our families, to see them happy and fulfilled with life. I try the best I can for my own kids in whatever help I can give and leave the rest up to them and God. (HUGS)
  16. Because the tragic indident happened at the apartment I feel like I quickly made the decision that I have to leave, because I couldn't even go to the apt at first, It was hard even driving around that side of town. I knew staying at my parents house had to be very temporary because living out of duffle bags would not be helpful in my recovery from this incident. I went and found a new apt on the other side of town and told my current apt I am leaving in two weeks. Last week I started thinking did I make the decision too soon, I know I can probably still change my mind if I make a diff decision in the next couple of days. I stayed the night at the apt with a friend of mine to see how I would feel. This is why I am still confused. I felt okay waking up in he morning, but I almost feel like I'm tricking myself if that makes sense? I felt okay because for a second I forgot what had happened. I felt good waking up in our bed. But then I look and see that window, and it reminds me of everything. As the day went on I felt like that kept happening. I would do things like I would when he was still here, but then I would remember he's gone. If I owned the house I think it would be an easier decision to stay. But since I am renting, I don't know if staying there will eventually get better, or will I be living a lie, will I be convincing myself that he is still here, and then having flashbacks from that night throughout the day?
  17. heatherD, The *what ifs* are hard to get out of our mind. It is just how the mind works. We wish we could back back in time and do things differently that could have changed the outcome. All we can do is shut those thoughts down right away, try to focus on something more positive or an activity like going for a walk and focusing on nature or, as in my case, hauling out the vacuum, working the negative thoughts out of my system.
  18. from KayC “What a tough road” That was just half of the story. Shortly after the completion of her First course of Chemo I started having heart problems (irregular hart rhythms) caused by stress and caffeine . So during the same time period of her 16 year battle. I was fighting hart disease ( 5 surgeries over 11 years) along with kidney cancer (RCC simple surgery removed 5% of kidney). At this point I truly thought I would go first. there were times in the hospital that we would look at each other and wonder who was going first. Maybe thats why we never talked about the end openly. Neither of use was going to let any thing get in the way of raising our kids and having a good life, adapt and over come , new normal. Thats the way it was. Together we could fight any thing. The world was our oyster. This is why I feel I have lost more then half of me and the hardest part of my life still lies in front of me. Move Forward ( New Normal). enough for this rant. keep the comments/questions coming. Autocharge
  19. Back from my conference, and bit off way more than I could chew. I was NOT ready to be around all those people. It was a blessing that I was staying with my sister, or I would have lost my mind. I did forget to take my anti-anxiety medication one day and that was a horrible day. I felt like I was losing all the threads of sanity I had left and went into full on panic mode. So exhausting and debilitating. Heart beating a million miles a minute, shaking like a leaf, unable to catch my breath. I'm glad to be home now, the flights were pretty bad too... Wendy, I have a memorial tattoo as well. It brings me great comfort to look down and see it looking back at me. It says, "But only for you it will be as if all the stars are laughing" and it is from the book 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry And it's from the part where the pilot in the desert has to say goodbye to the little prince; My Nathaniel as a child had beautiful blond hair, blue eyes and was always laughing. I used to call him My Little Prince, and we read the story together. He considered me his rose, and here he is on my arm... always watering the rose and laughing.
  20. People should think before they open their mouth. I am speechless that a slain police officer's death is a worse situation than a young girl losing her mother. And people wonder why some us who are grieving, isolate ourselves as much as possible. Insensitive, ignorant people heaping more hurt onto us is not acceptable.
  21. I've had to take time off from responding as well. Sometimes you need to talk, sometimes you just need your space. I'm sorry to hear your trip home took a lot out of you. It's totally understandable if you need time to recover from that. Downtime is necessary. Mentally you have to process everything, and emotionally it's just draining. I ordered a journal to write my grief in...somewhere I can be completely self indulgent. My mom was an artist with a deep love of elephants, so I thought I found the right journal with a painted elephant on the a front but when it arrived it was too big to fit in my memory box of her. I was bummed...one little thing like the wrong journal really upset me. So I ordered a new one and basically hid from my thoughts, trying to catch up on work instead, until it came. It just arrived. It's sitting in my mailbox and I feel sad and anxious about starting that emotional endeavor. But I feel like keeping a journal will be helpful to get through those emotions and hopefully arrive at a place where I can cope better. I don't know if anyone else has tried that...if it's helped? I feel like when writing, it will kind of be like writing to her. Say all the things I've wanted to tell her since it happened.
  22. Teenie, I'm sorry for your loss. You're right, time does seem to warp, it can seem like both yesterday and forever at the same time. I hope you'll keep coming here, it really helps, there's some good people here that will hear you and understand. Francine, Winter seems apt for grief...I don't know about you, but I'm longing for Spring. The calendar says it is but we had 4" rain in 24 hours so it sure doesn't feel like it...neither outside, nor within our hearts.
  23. Autocharge--- Your pain does come through in your posts. We understand. The pain is with us constantly. You mention the 5 stages of grieving. Those are just general guidelines. There are many stages and many emotions. Sometimes we can be coping with more than one stage at a time. This process is very individualized. A person can be stuck in a stage or two for a very long time. It depends on the effort you want to put into helping yourself. We do have many questions but we also know the downer of never finding concrete answers. When it is our turn to pass from this life, it is then that the answers will be revealed. You'll find a purpose for your life someday. We have to have patience and time will unfold as it is meant to. You are at 10 months, just like a friend of mine. She's not on this forum. She is too afraid of becoming a member. After she lost her husband, she was reduced to living with her son. He doesn't allow her to grieve. She sits in her room all day crying into a pillow so she can't be heard. She only has access to a worn out Kindle that she sends messages to me on. She has to delete our conversations so her son doesn't find out. I feel so sad for her that her son is so controlling and she isn't allowed to talk about her husband and grieve in an easier way.It just goes to show that everyone's situation is different.
  24. I like that, Francine.
  25. BSL, I'm sorry for your loss. You are wise to realize what is of comfort to you, and it sounds like putting your wife's dress on the bed IS of comfort to you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, only "our way". We can do things to make things better for ourselves or worse for ourselves, but we each discover our own path through this. It does help to be able to share with other, to express ourselves, to know we are heard and understood by others who "get it". This is that safe place.
  26. cp, You are new to this loss, I am very sorry you lost your husband, but I'm glad you found your way here. Having a good job is worth something...my job ended shortly after my husband died, they went out of business, I never had a good job again, it was the beginning of the recession. It's good to have some sense of community, perhaps try a grief support group, make a friend somewhere. My friends all disappeared when my husband died, it's like people don't know what to say and can't fix it, they're uncomfortable to they vanish on us. But I made a new friend at that time, and we were close for many years before she too moved away. She lost her husband a few years after I did so we were able to understand and be there for each other. Maybe you could visit your sons when you have some vacation time. Weekends were the hardest time for me because that was my husband and my time together. You do the chores and then what? Everyone is busy with their families and you feel so alone. I'm more used to the being alone now, but it was never my preference to go through life alone. I keep busy, volunteer at the senior site, do the church' treasurer duties, am on the praise team and community choir, so I get out nearly every day with people for a while, but still eat alone, wake up alone. I'm thankful for my pets. I hope you'll continue to come here and post, it feels like a grief family, so to speak, people are close, we cut through the chaff, we bare our souls to each other.
  27. It's hard trying to juggle both sides of yourself - the one that's supposed to go on like everything is normal, and the one who needs time to grieve. I don't know what sort of work you do, but perhaps there's something you could do from home instead? I know that doesn't work out for everyone, so I apologize it it was way off. My mom passed almost 2 months ago. Up until then I was working towards creating my own business. I work from home and can lean on my fiance financially, but my extra income helps, and starting my own business has been a direction I've needed to take for some time. Then my mom passed and I gave up on it. Mentally I can't focus on something so huge. I do what's expected of me, and I do it quickly and during times I feel able to. If I didn't have a job that was that undemanding of my time, I'd have quit. Some day are going to be trying. But how can you predict that? 8 months isn't a lot of time considering the weight of your loss. It may be unlike you to quit, but what you're going through right now doesn't define your character. Bereavement days that you take off work really aren't enough time. Your life has changed and it's going to take a long while to adjust to it. It's not a mark against you. It's just you trying to deal with the grief. And I completely understand the burden of life going on around you when you're not ready to join it.
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