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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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  1. Past hour
  2. Lost my new wife

    Perfalcon, I am terribly sorry to hear about this. I need to applaud you for your courage and for the love you have for your wife. You fulfilled her dreams and gave her the gift (marriage) that she very much wanted. I understand you are going through a lot of pain at this time. During the initial weeks, I was completely lost. I was in a fog. I could not think properly nor could I even grasp the fact that my wife was no longer here. It is incredibly painful and there are no words to explain the grief and the strength it takes to overcome even hour of the day. Be kind to yourself and take care of your needs. We will always be here to support you as you embark on this unfortunate journey. My wife and I are also in our 30's. Losing a partner at a younger age presents another unique set of challenges. Take the time that you need to take care of things on your end and come back here to share whatever you need to get off your chest. I know this is very painful but if there's one thing for you to remember, it is that you are not alone. We are all here with you.
  3. My sister, TooDevastated

    The first thing I saw when I signed on tonight was a post by "TooDevastated." For a minute or so, I was so excited to see her again. She was right there riding the same wave as I was during my earlier and darkest days. We both lost our partner, in the same foreign country during the same month..... I am completely floored to hear what has happened. I was so worried when I didn't see her online for a while. A private message went unread. Now I know why. I miss her. But to some extent, I am happy for her because she truly wanted to be with her boyfriend. Although I'm an abled body, I can completely understand the direction she took. There are times where I just want to go too...... so I can be with my wife. Honestly, I do feel jealous. I'm sorry for what you had to go through, TooDevastated. I miss you and thank you for supporting me here.
  4. My best friend died and I feel empty inside

    Its been 3 weeks since I said my last goodbye to Toby. 3 weeks since I watched him take his last breath. I've tried my best to stay occupied, doing homework, staying at my universitiy's campus working on my projects, reading or going out with my friends. But no matter how hard I try, I always end up thinking about him. About how much I miss him, about all the things I want to tell him. I can't help but stare at his empty chilling spot. I can't help but go through all the photos I took over the years. I dream with him often, but the dreams are not happy ones. Usually they revolve around the last days, and they are charged with stress and sadness. Sometimes, I dream that people call me a "murderer" for euthanizing him. Those are the worst. I wake up in tears, afraid, angry, frustrated. Sometimes I dream he's standing far away, and no matter how hard or for how long I run, I can't get to him. It's still hard for me to concentrate, and I have the feeling that those around me are starting to get tired of my permanent-stand-by operation mode. I am just getting by in an automatic way. It still amazes me how fast everything went downhill, how fast I lost him. I lost half my life that day. November first. And now here I am, just watching the days go by. Maria9, KayC and AJWCat, I just wanted to thank you all and let you know I really apreciate your kind words. It's surprising how 3 complete strangers have given me more support and tools to get by than most people here at home. People I thought had my back didn't mind at all about my loss (though I don't wanna take caredit from the friends who lent me their shoulder). It's nice to know that even though I feel surounded by a neverending empty void, theres someone out there who understands. I really can't thank you enough.
  5. I lost my father last month. He died unexpectly and was found in the restroom. He was suppose to meet me at my house the next morning but never showed up. My parents had argued earlier that day. He called me to tell me but I was at work and didn’t make time to listen. 7 days before he passed he was complaining about his stomach hurting I gave him baby aspirin. It helped him but when he asked what I gave him I lied and said it was Aleve. I thought he might not take it if I told him the truth. Turns out he has bought a bottle of Aleve after which meant he was having stomach pains for sometime. Turned out he had a heart disease for years that we didn’t know of. The guilt of not telling him it was baby aspirin and possibly saving him is killing me. It’s been really hard to move forward
  6. Today
  7. Hi Panda7856, My mom had cancer it was really bad to point where she's bedridden.She suffer pain and endure almost for 2 years, from my childhood until my first year of teen she died. That time I felt, it was empty. Until later this year my dad died due to pneumonia. I pile up a lot of guilts and regrets, remember the pass reliving it again. I just don't know why, every time I recall the past living with my parents. It makes me heartache and sad over and over again.
  8. My dad passed away with alzheimers

    Thank you so much for your support, and your understanding. I think I’m shocked that I am so desperately sad because I longed for him to let go and pass away peacefully, which he did, because he was so tortured. I think I wanted ‘just one more day’ with my real dad, but I knew that day would never come. I wanted to hear him say that he didn’t blame me, that he understood why I did what I did... but he never understood, poor darling man. It’s a hideous illness and I shudder when friends tell me their loved one has just been diagnosed. i am so sorry for your loss too, still very recent and fresh, and worse for you, like me, because you were so close. It leaves such a huge void, doesn’t it? sending big healing hugs to you. Thank you for reaching out, despite your own pain. i really appreciate it. Trisha x
  9. Lost my Dad during childhood

    Mum was just the same. It's such pressure to have to take care of a parent....i think people underestimate how hard it is. Your work sounds way worse than mine. It's amazing how much weight we can carry in times of need. I hated the whining of other students. When mum had cancer I was working on finishing college and people would cry about not getting the boy they like or their parent telling them they couldn't go on a party. Having no social life just slowly kills you off... But that's it. That right there. Your mum would've wanted you to life the best you can and i think she's extremely proud of you. That's such a string point. Daddy used to say when something happened to me he would firs kill all the basterds involved and then himself. so yeah....good thing that did not happen. Your mum would've wanted the best for you. Go get the best. You deserve it. You are strong enough to get it. I think that people like us operate on another level. We can take things some people could barely stomach.
  10. Lost my Dad during childhood

    Ugh that sucks...friends are a complicated thing. I think it's sometimes a bit strange trying to have to tell them that you're okay or somehow trying to explain that you are not. Someone who hasn't felt loss just doesn't understand even if they try so hard. I love them for trying but...you know. I have this thing with social media...okay haha this is kind of embarrassing but here we go - A few days before Dad died I saw LOGAN (just love comic books) - so this comic book adaptation of a hero growing old and being on this roadtrip with this little girl, all very dramatic but lovely - and I loved it so much espeacilly because Hugh Jackman had always reminded me of him - so I called him that evening telling him that we have to watch that movie together as soon as i'm back home and he laughed it off. I never met him again before he died though and now whenever i see any X-men movies my tiny little heart jumps and goes like: 'that's me dad'. I think we...look for father figures? It must be so hard for you. I had him to kling to most of my life but you were just all on your own. Fathers are...important to guide us I guess. They are that big strong being that protects you and when that get's hurt or disappears it feels like NOTHING can protect you. That you are out there all on your own. Do you too sometimes wonder about things like...never being able to show off your kids? Or...idk a house one day or just a damn job? It's so strange to find a partner too...i think i'd be very uncomfortable trying to tell them that no, there is noone he can get to know. God i think we're haunted. In a good way though? Should I call up the priest? The idea of being watched over feels good and bad haha. Feeling sad but with a warmness to it...that's a really good description...i totally know that feeling. It's very melancholic but not completely bad. As if they're still there. We can't know how they felt right? I often feel sad for my parents. They had hard lives and I feel bad since i always promised them that one day i'll make it up to them, just let me finish college and go study and....oh...well. But trust me. I am sure you were a constant happiness in your fathers live. He loved you more than the stars and the sun. That is SUCH a beautiful memory! Thank you for sharing it. It is not silly at all. It sounds like the most peaceful and lovely thing. I remember baking bread for my dad and being just as proud when he liked it. Making our parents happy makes us happy i guess. It's like giving something back for well...creating us i guess haha. I feel you so much. I used to hold my dads hand and drag him through the school showing him off to my friends when i was little. That walk must be something very special to you. I read something interesting lately....it's...it sais that when you have a connection to a person you create something like a special room with them. Filled with memorys and special little gestures and shared thoughts and things like that. Now, when you lose a person that room disappears too. It fades. And that's why we get so sad over walks and movies we used to watch together or shops we went to. They are part of our room and we can no longer venture out to it and that. Well it sucks. I felt like that made a lot of sense. Me too. I always thought Mum and Dad would be around for...well way longer. I try to just shake it off and look forwards when i hink to much about what could've been. I have no contact with my mum's side of the family either. I've got my auntie - she is all I need i guess. But people in the local shops still recognize me and go like, hey, arn't you so n so's kid? That is horrible to just leave like that. In times like these family should bond. Me and my sister got so caught up in mothers death that we actually split apart. I havn't seen her till that day and i'm very happy about it. I found that blood doesn't make family. Love does. My best friend has been there for me as long as i can think and that's the bright side i guess. We can make our own families. But take pride in your looks! I know how it feels to trigger bad memories just with how you remind people of things but...remind them of the good things. Give them love and warmth and show them that your dad lives on in you. That is his blood in your veins. I am happy you are writing so much! I start to love our conversations - you are so right. I thought i'd hate this and said no to every meeting and group-shite...it's just not my thing and i didn't feel like socializing at all but this really lights up my days and it's good to be able to open up like this! (You're from the UK? That's great! I'm originally from another country but since all that death I decided to go far far away to forget about all of it for a while. I don't have a place to stay back home one way or another so why not leave? So I'm in Ireland at the moment. Just working and getting my head off off well all of that. It's good that nobody knows me. It feels relieving. Love the weather here!)
  11. Yesterday
  12. Lost my new wife

    There are lots of people who will help you through this dreadful time. I am so sorry for your pain. Take care of yourself and let everyone support you. I am sending you love and healing. I know you feel like you are in dark tunnel but you will find the strength to get through this. Be patient and kind to yourself. thinking of you
  13. In september this year I took my dog Harvey-Moon to the vet as I was worried he was struggling with life, my vet thought he had suffered a stroke a few days before, whilst we were away. Harvey was holding his head to one side, was afraid to come downstairs and kept falling over he was also almost blind and had an inner ear problem. On the vets advice I decided to Have him PTS, I also decided to have it done straight away, as I did not want him to suffer and did nto know if I would be brave enough to take him back knowing what would happen. So I looked into his eyes and told him I loved him and that it was time for him to go and play at Rainbow bridge and run free with the angels, I hugged him and spoke to him until he was gone. We brought him home and buried him in a soft fleecy blanket in the garden he loved, I don't think I have ever cried so much as I did the next two days, I could not eat or sleep and seemed to have no energy. my boss gave me the day after off work and then I went back to work, the staff knew but not my clienst. I cried all the way to work and when my collegues expressed their sympathy, but managed to keep my tears at bay, mostly. The next few days are a blur, little things kept reminding me that Harvey-Moon had gone and I cried a lot. At the weekend I went out with my daughter and grandchildren and actually had a lovely day, but then I felt guilty for enjoying myself and was worried that I was getting over it too soon and was a heartless person. I had decided to make a memorial garden to help me deal with my pain and now it is a beautiful enclosed area, with lights and flowers and is very peaceful and beautiful place, this has bought me a lot of comfort as I sit and talk to Harvey-moon often. I also wrote him a letter, explaining everything and telling him how much i loved him and I wrote several peoms to him. I thought I was starting to come to terms with losing Harvey-Moon and had even managed to buy some christmas decorations and start making plans, although I knew this would be a sad time without him. I would have bad days, like what would have been Harvey-Moon's 15th birthday a month after he died. But I really thought I was improving. However this week has been terrible again, I keep crying and feel overwhelmingly sad several times a day. I had hoped to feel his presence or dream about him, but all I keep seeing is his face when I held him as the vet injected him. I alternate between feeling guilty incase I let him suffer or sent him off to soon, neither of which I really believe, until the doubts creep in. I have two other dogs, one is Harvey-Moon's grandson and I really love them, but Harvey-Moon was my soulmate and I am finding it very hard to come to terms with losing him. He helped me through some very tough times over the last almost 15 years and I feel like my heart has been torn in two. I am not sure how to move on. Pictures are Harvey-Moon and his memorial garden.
  14. My angel

    Tina I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. It's such a terrible thing to happen. It's so moving and heartbreaking that your kitty managed to make her way back home. At least you were able to take her out of her pain and hold her to the very end. I wish I could say something more to make you feel better, I know how huge the pain is.Let yourself express all your grief, with time it will get better. I buried my own kitty in the garden too and at least I know that she's near. Talk to your kitty, her spirit is with you and always will be. And your other kitty needs all your love now, she is grieving too. Write here as often as you feel, it will help you. It sure has helped me a lot. We all have been through this loss and we understand. I pray that you will find strength, comfort and healing.
  15. Lost my Dad during childhood

    Thank you for those words. My mom was one tough lady and I know she worried about me being alone once she died because I had dedicated the last several years taking care of her because she had difficulty walking and seeing (she was legally blind). I had to take her to every appointment from her hair to her doctors appt, and take her to get her groceries, do her laundry..just everything. So after working full time on my days off it was dedicated to making sure my mom was making her appointments, getting her food for her, and doing her laundry. I basically had no time for a social life. Now she's gone I'm by myself, and I know for a fact my mom would want me to take care of myself, my health, and get out and start living again. And I also know that parents would rather go first over losing their child. This is the natural order of things, as sad as it is and as premature as it is for some. But I will be strong and will start taking care of myself in honor of my mother, because I know she would want this for me.
  16. Loss of mom, dad seeing someone new

    Sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 11 months ago, and my dear lovely mom just four days ago, and I was her caregiver. I already feel anger at some family members who seem to be moving on with their lives, but I think that's just me. I do not have kids and currently not married but my siblings do have children and are currently married so they have to move forward with things in life. I guess it's because I do not have anything else to focus on because my focus was my mom for the last five years and now she's gone so suddenly. Your dad is most likely grieving in his own way. I read somewhere that it's harder on men losing a spouse after years, because they do not turn to people to talk about their feelings as much and also have a need to be taken care of after years of being married and losing their spouse. Maybe starting to date, and removing your mom's pictures was your dad's way of saving himself from a deep depression or even worse than that. Would your mom have wanted him to date and remarry and be taken care of or just pine away for her alone the rest of his life? What did your dad say when you talked to him about your feelings? It's so hard to be in a place of sadness and it seems everyone has just moved on and it makes you think you have the problem. I feel this already and it's only been four days.I visited my sister two days ago and was getting mad, because she was watching the Sunday football game and actually getting happy when her team made a touchdown. I felt like screaming "How can you give a damn about this crap when mom just died". It's not rational I know, but it's how I felt. I know my sister was hurting. I know my mom had guilt because I dedicated the last five years of my life to being her caretaker and basically pushed all social life aside. She even told me "I worry all the time about you being alone when I die". I keep thinking about her words because I know she would want me to start taking care of myself and start doing things I set aside for the last several years. I have moments of "it's going to be okay" and moments that I think I'll never survive this loss. We all grieve differently and at a different pace. Just sit and ask your dad about removing the pictures and how it hurts you, and see what he says about where he is right now and see what his state of mind is right now. Again, he probably needed to do this for his own well being.
  17. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina, I agree with Dee. You could also buy a small box of very tiny white lights that do not weigh much. They are primarily used for wrapping around wreaths, etc. Using small tacks and gently draping them through the branches should do the trick. Dianne, do you have any special plans to honor Michael on his special day? We keep it very low keyed and quietly recognize the day. We usually walk into the bench and take some flowers. This year as it happens we will be working in the afternoon distributing toys for an organization in our area. Hopefully we will be able to place the flowers at the bench in the morning. Jean, I hope that this first holiday without your child will be filled with much love as you come to together with your family. Good for you for taking on the dinner. I will be thinking of you. Susan, I imagine you are up to your yin yang in preparation if I know you. Have a truly wonderful day with your family. Lesley, how is the garden coming along? I hope to be able to check it out in the next week or so.
  18. Lost my Dad during childhood

    Yeah I get that a lot! My friend showed me one of those funny videos the kind you see on social media, and I was convinced the man in it was my dad, I just froze and was just staring at him even though it wasn't my dad. I think my friend thought I just didn't find it funny! And yes sometimes I'll walk past a room in my house and just think I see a figure sitting on the edge of bed in his room or if I'm in the kitchen I think I see someone in there while I'm doing something. Crazy I know! I'm so glad I'm not the only one haha! I totally get your experience in the shop, sometimes those experiences can be negative as well as positive, there's so many places we visited together and I think if it was a happy event I feel sad but there's a warmness to it, but if it was a time where he was visibly unhappy I feel so on edge and anxious about it because I can't always remember why he felt as he did in those memories. I have a memory that triggers a lot, basically I went to a school for 4-7 year olds which is a few streets away, and I would always walk to school with my Dad and on the way back. I have such happy moments from those walks there was a time I'd had a special day at school where we'd baked fresh bread, and I remember me and my Dad eating the bread on our way home and I was so proud and happy for that moment no matter how silly it sounds haha. But now the school is my local polling station as well, so here in the UK schools are often used for voting, I should have probably said I'm from the UK before. But anyway when I walk to vote it's the only time I take that walk since those childhood school days. And even though it's short I feel so much emotion walking that route and it triggers so many different memories and that continues into the school itself, I remember always being so proud when my Dad was with me at that school. I have that thing with photos too, I regret not enjoying my time more, but then how were we to know? I mean I never even considered it as a child that he wouldn't be here now. Most of my looks come from my Dad if not almost all. And it actually hurts to look so similar, most of my Dad's side of the family are gone, his brother (my uncle) is still alive but after my Dad's death he saw us a few times and then him and his wife who lived just a few streets away, got up and left without telling us anything, they haven't even contacted us! That really hit me because he was my final chance to have that male role model so closely related to my Dad but he didn't seem to want anything to do with me or my sister, leaving us completely isolated. I have my other side of the family but they live so far and I barely see them. But when I do I sometimes see them looking at me differently and sometimes they will say how much I look like my Dad and I see they're emotional and it pains me because you'd think it would be a good thing but I feel like my looks make them sad and then I feel like I can't be me, my own person without triggering their memories of him as if I'm a living reminder. Wow I wrote a lot this time! Your so welcome! It really helps me too and at first I thought it would make me feel worse but it doesn't knowing someone actually understands how I feel, so thank you so much too! I feel like when I'm here I can just let go and get it all off my chest. Wish you a wonderful evening also!
  19. Loss of an Adult Child

    I wonder if you can gently weave the lights between the branches, or place tacks to wind lights around...
  20. It has been almost ten months since my mom passed away. I have had some of my lowest lows, and some moments where I feel like I am skating on the surface of life and am somewhat okay. Right now, unfortunately, I feel like I am in a very low place. My dad recently started dating someone else. Which is hard in so many ways. Mostly - I feel like he is moving on faster than I am. He has now taken off his wedding ring and removed photos of my mom from the house. It is possible that this helps with HIS grieving process, but it does not help with mine. I need my mom to stay with me, to be present in my daily life. My siblings are also not very helpful in terms of support, so I have been leaning on my dad mostly. And now I feel like I don't want to. Like he is moving on into this other life, and I just feel SO alone and family-less. I have talked to my dad about this, but it does not seem to help. Really what I feel like I need is space from everything. But since my dad lives close to me, I feel like everything (including this new woman) is in my face daily. I just feel like I have majorly regressed and I have tears in my eyes all the time. Any thoughts??
  21. Lost my Dad during childhood

    God yes! I was super close once to tap a man, a complete stranger on the shoulder once because i was somehow convinced it was him. And do you have that too? I thought it was just me and it actually calms my nerves a lot to hear that you have it too. After Dad died I constantly saw shadowy figures everywhere. I mean everyone has it I guess but some days it's just crazy. Like i'm talking to someone and suddenly turn my head to stare at nothingness because i was so sure that something just was there a second ago! It isn't silly. Not at all. It's the exact same for me. Yesterday I bought a new pot for my plant and felt TERRIBLE. In the middle of the shop as if somebody just hit me with a shovel. Sometimes it hits me and i don't even notice what hit me before i remember . Dad did loads of gardening and always took me to the shop with him and i just realized that we'll never to shopping these things together anymore. I mean...yeah that's super silly thinking about it but it just hit's you. I feel like i never want to go to that shop again and then I feel the urge to just sit there for ours, feeling close to him. Photos are the the worst right? I often thought of my childhood as not so bloomy and now i could hit myself for not enjoying every second of it. For not being with him every second i could? And you said 'not only see Dad in them'...do you know what really bothers me? Mirrors. When i saw the old photographs of my mum i noticed just how much we looked alike. And i remember so vividly standing in front of the mirror on prom night, in my dress, all ready to go and suddenly feeling my heart sting because i saw her not me. Dad took me in his arms and said that i looked beautiful and that everything was alright and that my eyes were so different than hers. It was lovely of him but he was right. I've got my dad's eyes and that makes things even worse now. I could stare into a mirror for hours just watching my damn eyes because they look so much like his. People would think i'm beauty obsessed or something haha... Do you have a special memory of your time with your dad? Did you look alike? I have to thank you! Seeing your messages makes me smile every day and it (althought at first i didn't believe it would) actually really helps me cope. Have a wonderful evening Panda
  22. My angel

    Thank you all for your support. I get to say goodmorning to her and goodnight every day. My other 19 year old cat is moping around and not really eating much. But giving her special cuddles and talking to her. I bless cally for having the strength to get back. I feel for you and your lost one . Xxxx
  23. Lost my new wife

    Perfalcon, I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 4 months ago. I remember during the first few weeks, I wanted to talk to every friend and relative about my loss and asked a lot of "why". But it was hard to find anyone who could be emotionally related. When you feel stuck, please keep coming back here to vent. KayC, I read your guide word by word this time. Thanks for the wise advice of your 12 years of journey, which gives me some light for the future.
  24. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you. There are trees right beside my apartment, I don't know what kind. I just picked some dead branches and laid them in the yard deciding height and width. It was peaceful but sad at the same time. I don't think I'm very artistic but keep practicing till desired affect. I used fishing line (haha) and tacks to go attached to wall. I found the idea on Pinterest and used what was easiest for me. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to get the lights on without the branches falling off. I'll figure something out. Surprisingly enough, the kitten has left it alone.
  25. Lost my new wife

    Hi Perfalon I'm so sorry for your loss, it’s tough. I lost my husband to cancer within a short time after he was diagnosed. He passed away last December and coming a year, even till now. I’m still missing him and definitely don’t look forward to the festive holidays. Just a few months ago, I finally realized he’s never ever coming back. It’s not easy, grief hits us like a wave some days ok and some days not. You are the right place, everyone here is very supportive and ready to listen to you. Hugs to you. Please take care. Sylvia
  26. Lost my new wife

    I am so sorry, it feels so wrong when it is someone so young, just starting your lives out. There are many here that are young and experiencing this, they will be along shortly. I will share this article I wrote in my 12 year journey, although it may be too soon for it to even resonate with you, perhaps you can save it and read it when you are more ready. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  27. Loss of an Adult Child

    I too love the rustic natural design of this tree Tina. I love using what is found in nature to design peaceful installations. Each year, I take leaves from the ground and put them on the copier and make copies for my students to write poetry on and to make cards. Nothing more pretty than the real thing.
  28. My sister, TooDevastated

    Oh God, I am so sorry! I was afraid of this. She just couldn't see her way past this, it takes much time to process our grief, let alone see ourselves through this journey. I wish so much we could have made a difference to her, she was worth knowing. My heart goes out to you in your loss. I, too, will pray for your family. I wish for her only peace. I hope instead of using an absolute, you can change your terminology to "I will have a hard time forgiving myself". We can forgive ourselves. Guilt is a common grief response that most of us go through. It's hard because sometimes we don't see things until afterwards. Guilt is something that can point us to needed change but once we have realized and made that correction, we need to let go of guilt, for it's already done it's job...to continue giving audience to it would be to invite shame, which serves only to paralyze us so that we can't propel ourselves forward and that helps no one. Use this experience to learn from in case you encounter anyone in the future that is grieving. I hope you will read these articles and take them to heart: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html This one I've found to be helpful for those wanting to be there for someone who is grieving: http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm And though she didn't "commit suicide", it was a type of "passive suicide" due to loss of will to live and take care of herself, so I hope these may be of help as well: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html I don't know there is anything you could have done even if you had been close. As is often the case, it's very hard to get through to someone in this mindset. I lost a friend to suicide, it is a horrible feeling, especially to feel it was needless and to know they had so much to live for, they just couldn't see it. I'm sorry for the sadness you carry. I hope you will consider grief counseling, it's hard to find our way through this maze of grief on our own. God be with you on this journey.
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