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  2. I am so glad to hear somebody thank God for their life I know we have all suffered a great loss but God has gave us the gift of life and we all must go on believing in him even in the dark of days the worst of fear God will pull us through god bless you shadow 10
  3. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss and like you, I still can't believe my Charles is no longer here - and it's been almost 6 months for me. It is so refreshing to hear your comment on having your faith and God - nothing is better. If it wasn't for my faith, I would have never made it thus far. I have learned there's no storm God won't carry us through; no bridge that God won't help us cross; no battle God won't help us win; no heartache God won't help us let go of. HE is SO much bigger than anything we can imagine. HE wouldn't put something hard in our lives if HE thought we weren't strong enough to get through it. If HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it. Continue to post here; there is a reason you are on this site at this time and on this day. It's no accident, no fate, no fluke or coincidence - it's God - whose put you where you are meant to be. God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.
  4. thank you,my friends.I am much better now.I am going to make myself make it til Friday.Love Ruthanne
  5. Nelsons, Sorry for your loss. You are not alone, Each and everyone here knows what you are going through. Please don't plan or think that, God has a plan we may not know for now but keep this in mind that we are here for a reason. Stay strong and pray always. We can survive this!
  6. Today
  7. Butterfly, I am truly sorry for your loss. I know the pain and despair can be overwhelming. But keep in mind that you do not have to be strong. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to long for your boyfriend. Remember that when you are weak He is strong. Let God carry you for he knows your pain and has been walking by your side all along. KMB is right. People may not know what you need until you tell them. They may avoid because they simply don't know what to say or do. Like you will come to understand, people don't know how people that have lost a significant other feel until they go through it themselves. It's a knowledge that nobody wants but we are forced to live with. Please continue to post here as we know some of your pain and you will find a wealth of knowledge, help, and compassion here. I wish you well on your journey and hope that we can be a comfort to each other.
  8. @Luna1 with everyone in your family grieving and everyone processing it in their own way, it's normal for those emotions to ricochet off one another. I think the best defense for that would be to calmly remind each other that you're all experiencing so much and it isn't anyone's fault, you're all just in pain and trying to find your way out. Sometimes we need a little nudge to break out of that shell long enough to see how our pain is being directed at others who are no better off than ourselves. You can let them know you're there for them and to please not take it out on you. I'm dealing with some family drama now and it's causing a tremendous amount of stress. Not due to grieving, not all parties are, but it certainly makes everything worse for those of us who are. @Dgiirl I was recently looking into online therapy. Maybe that would be a good fit for you? If you Google it, the first one that comes up has you fill out a questionnaire so they can match you with the right therapist, but they also let you switch therapists if you're not happy with the one you're matched with. I liked the convenience of doing it from home and forming your own schedule that way. People do act like after a short time frame you should be getting better. Part of me wants to tell them just how horrible a loss like this is, but the other part finds that exhausting. Until they go through it, they just don't know. You're not obligated to smile for anyone. Though I completely understand how much easier it is on yourself to just pretend instead of get into it. I'm having a rough couple days. Family drama. Got a couple of youngsters in the family who preyed on my dad's sympathies under some false pretenses, so my dad is driving down to take care of things. What's stressing me out is the financial risk he could possibly take when they're too oblivious and blindly optimistic to really understand what they're asking. B/c this is the first time their rich daddy isn't bailing them out. I'm just so angry at them and concerned about my dad. I'm happy to see my dad. I haven't seen him since the funeral in Feb. Today it's hitting me that he's finally coming to visit and my mom never will. I've lived here over a year and a half, but my mom had been ill. We thought she'd regain her health and strength and my parents would visit. As I learned my way around the city I would make note of the places I wanted to take them. Places I knew she specifically would have loved. I never got that chance. My mom has never been to my home. And now my dad will be here tomorrow, but w/o her. It makes me even more angry at the people who are calling him down here, b/c I did have plans for his visit. I don't know if he'll make down again this year. I'm still laid up on bed rest b/c my back is taking forever (2 months so far) to heal. I was going to spring for a short helicopter tour and take him on a brewery tour. But I'm stuck at home. Maybe if I wasn't cooped up constantly I could even start to...do I say reintegrate to society? Haha I don't know what else to call it! They just messed up the visit with my dad I had been planning for so long, on top of all the stress they've caused, and this current flood of sadness. It feels like too much at one time.
  9. spouse

    Bela, I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through as we all feel and grieve differently. I pray that you will find peace during this difficult time in your life. I lost the love of my life on April 1st so we are pretty close in our grief journey. People tell me to take it day by day but it is still minute to minute for me. I think about Lori constantly. I feel everything from sadness, regret, loneliness, anger, despair, fear. I don't know what I am going to feel from one day to the next and sometimes feel all of them at once. You don't have to get control of your emotions. You are allowed to cry anytime and anywhere you want to. Sometimes we can't control the flood of tears as they tend to grab ahold of us out of nowhere. You will also find that people say some pretty stupid things to you sometimes. They throw around platitudes and cliches. But keep in mind that 99% of people that say them mean well. They simply don't know what to say so they repeat things they have heard that are supposed to help or be inspiring to those in our position. The truth is that the only people that can truly understand what we are going through are those that have experienced the loss of a spouse. You and your mom now share a sad bond that nobody wants to have but you are each in a position of knowledge that may be helpful for you. I also encourage you to visit the Loss Of A Parent forum here as they will be better equipped to share their feelings surrounding the loss of a father. Each grief is different so I don't know your pain regarding your father and I want you to be able to share with those that can identify with that grief too. Please come here to share, vent, cry, scream. Whatever you want to say. You will find understanding without judgement. And we will walk along with you on this road. I wish you peace and comfort.
  10. Yesterday
  11. As CS Lewis writes: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me."
  12. spouse

    I want to say that I have no words but I have so many. I just can't get them out. People keep asking, "How are you?" I know they probably think I just don't want to talk but I really can't. No sooner do I go to form a word and the emotion swells inside of me like a volcano ready to blow. I really can't... All I can do is cry. I feel frustrated, lonely, mad and sad. I lost my husband April 15th. Then my Dad died. In less than a week, I lost my soulmate and the love of my life. My husband and I were together since we were teens. We separated for some time and fought our way back to each other. He went through so much and when we got back together, he was...again, the man I feel in love with but better. My Dad...through all the good, the bad and everything in-between, was always there. Always helping even when I (thought) I didn't want it. Now they're both gone. I am so lost. My husband was just 52 and my Dad, 75. I'm trying to support my Mom but, every time I see her my heart breaks all over again and I know she sees it. She's trying to support me, but I can see it's too much for her. I know I'm not the only person who's gone through this but I can't stop feeling that 47 is too young to be a widow. As horrible as this may sound...I try to remind myself that there are people who have lost their whole families - that I should be grateful for the time I had. But then I think how stupid that sounds. Grateful? How can I be grateful? Someone asked me, "Is this your first loss?" I keep thinking about that. What did she mean? Am I handling this badly? Were all losses like this? Should I have built up some kind of immunity with past losses? I'm sure that nothing was meant by it...but then why? I want to get control of my emotions. If only while in public...I can't even do that. I cry in the drug store, at work...at the bank...everywhere. People tell me it's normal. There is nothing normal about this. I feel fine for 15 minutes...then out of nowhere, I don't. It sucks. It hurts. It is so hard. It takes time?...I can't imagine EVER feeling normal again. I can't get out of my head. It's like I'm on overdrive. I can't turn my thoughts off...but yet I can't focus on anything.
  13. Shadow10, I'm so sorry, and I'm at a loss for words. I'm "only" 5 months in my bereavement, I still fear each day as if they all hide some new monster for me to face. There are others here who are much further along in this than I, I'm sure their insight would be far more valuable than mine. I do feel alone though, like you. I have a daughter, wonderful parents, a couple of good friends, but regardless, I still feel isolated. I fear the future. For the first time in 27 years, I'm facing it alone, I have no idea what I'm to do, what living even means now. I'm afraid I'm not much use, but know you aren't alone in how you feel. Here anyway, you're in very familiar company. Reach out, continue to post as feel the need, pm any of us, we will help any way we can. I think maybe the routine of what we used to do, places and things once enjoyed, lose something after our loss. We did those things in a framework of comfort and security afforded to us by our beloveds, the love and stability they gave. Now, it's gone. I, like you, strive to enjoy what I once did, but it's "hollow". I fear the future, I fear what may be, and I fear I may never experience happiness again, but I will keep at it. I think it's all we can do. Acknowledge what has happened to us, cope the best we can, and live the best we can, all the while hoping we find a bit of joy once again. Peace and comfort, Andy
  14. I've really come to believe that we are just a "house" or a "box" for our souls/spirits while we are here on earth. And yes, we all have an expiration date. There just has to be something more after our bodies are done here. There just has to be. Some other dimension I guess, where are spirits "live". So strange that NOBODY really knows. Raining here too. And cold. And gray. And dreary. And dark. Just like my mood. No sun till Thursday!
  15. I'm sorry for your loss too. This is definitely a phase my husband and I were not prepared for. Some people tell me that's just death and I may have a harder time grieving bc of how close we were. Well that's not helping. Im very glad I looked up support groups bc of how alone we might feel there's many of us out there hurting. Thanking you so much that yout took the time to respond to my post. To respond to another broken heart.
  16. Ruthanne, I am so sorry for you and the feelings you are experiencing now. God has something specially in stored for you at the right time and right place. Yes, sometimes our skulls are thick because we have so much on our brains. Nobody knows the real you; nobody know how many times you've cried when no one was watching; nobody knows how many times you lost hope; nobody knows how many times you've felt like you are about to snap but don't because of the sake of others; nobody knows how many times you experienced suicidal depression and have been on the brink of ending it all; nobody knows the thoughts that go through your head when you're sad, how horrible they truly are. Nobody except GOD. Sometimes the walls we build around us to keep the sadness out also keeps out our joy. The reality, If it has not already done so, will penetrate through our thick skulls that this life - this moment - is no dress rehearsal. This is the real deal. It hurts to let go, to say goodbye for the final time and remain distant in your closure, it may even tear your heart out to the point of insanity; but somehow in it all, you will find the pieces of YOUR worth and you will start creating yourself again. In that journey of transformation, you will find the essence of what truly matters - happiness and inner peace. In this life, we all fall at some stage, but it is up to us to decide how long you want to stay there. I'm truly concerned about you and would strongly suggest you seek some medical intervention. You may not see it, but your life is so, so precious. It is the greatest gift from God, an unlimited series of opportunities to find the good in yourself and others. Our lives are on loan, like money borrowed from a bank. God is the lender and HE retains the right to call in the loan at anytime HE sees fit. We are responsible for taking care of our loans, but will never pay them off - not on this earth. There is good in everything; if we are willing to see it. You've indicated yourself how God has saved you and how the doctors thought you shouldn't even be here - guess what? That doesn't surprise me. God saved you for a reason; you still have a purpose, a function - if you didn't, you wouldn't be here. Larry fulfilled his purpose on this earth and God called him home. Please know this to be true. When your task on this earth is completed, know that God will take you home - home to be with Larry, forever. You must go on until then; Larry would have wanted you to. All of us here on this forum want you to - we know you can - we just want you to know you can. Don't let yourself down, don't let Larry down, don't let you family down; and most importantly, don't let God (who give us this precious gift) down. It's hard; one of the most hardest things you will ever have to do, but do it - Live your life the best you know how. Keep us posted on your appointment with your doctors; until, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and be blessed.
  17. Tangible things They are the possessions we hang on to long after the event. The prom dress, yellow satin, the first skating skirt, double tiered. her trophies and report cards, her favorite dolls and her lefty mitt, all packed in boxes. Holy and sacred. They are things, the touchstones that I cherish and protect. Dee
  18. Love the Dalai Lama Laurie, so thanks. I will post that poem later on, thanks for asking. Yes, to all of our Soldiers, and soldiers around the world, we all are indebted to your brave hearts. We went to the parade in town today with the Grandies and extended cousins. It was good, a hometown way to say thank you to the VETS.
  19. Thats true
  20. I was just thinking that grief is kind of like walking in a mine field. You never know if the next step will be the one that tears you to pieces.
  21. Ruthanne, (what a lovely name) , it helps to get out our frustrations with words, say what you feel we all understand, please get help for your suicidal thoughts, you DO have to live for your son and grandsons, they NEED you, i am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your son, life as been doubly cruel to you, and nothing anybody says can take away your pain, i am a lost soul now i take a day at a time and cant make any sense of why this as happened to me and i'm sure you feel the same about both your losses, theres got to be some hope in our lives and some joy though, i do not believe in god anymore but the universe owes us some peace, love and peace to you sweet lady take care x
  22. Thanks again everyone. I was so very badly shaken by the few things I read. I did not think I would react that bad. I guess it is hard enough to deal with what we have in our heads let alone the physical reminders too. While I did get my feet on the floor this morning, I have not been very productive. I still feel depleted and a little hopeless. But your support means so very much.
  23. I lost my husband in July things were going good after the funeral. i did all the paperwork, got out to drive, walked my dog, went shopping, start going back to church. As the days went on it seems like when I wake up things started feeling worse, I kept trying to stay motivated but it is not helping. I'm still trying to do most things, but now it just seems like the fear is overwhelming. I don't know what to do I'm asking for help or some kind of advice I feel all alone everyday and it just seems harder to cope with.
  24. Hi I am going to try to post.My keyboard is not behaving.Actually it is working fine here. I tried to post on my message board,my Christian family,and I couldn't.My keyboard wouldn't take a lot of letters.Since Larry died,I have gone to my board so many times and the Father would just blank out my mind.I knew He didn't want me to post there but I didn't and don't know why.Today kind of proves it to me.My keyboard is working great here,I was just going to tell them that I was reading but unable to think of anything to say.It took a lot of work but I got that much out. I have the feeling(tho I know feelings aren't truth) that the Lord is keeping me to Himself.Trying to get something through my thick skull.Lately my self-esteem seems to have bottomed out.I am the worst negative Nancy.I don't speak to people,I have one friend I call,and she lost her husband 1-5-17.I have no words of comfort.I thought God had given me the gift of empathy,throughout all my saved life,but I don't have any now.I am unable to help myself,let alone anyone else.And writing this makes me feel like I am drowning in self pity.Welcome to my pity party.I have suffered depression since I was eight.Suicidal depression.It is back.I want to die.I have been given back my life after the heart surgery but I don't want it.I am blessed to be financially able to survive,tho only that.But I always lived that way.Many people have way less to live on than I do.People are very nice to me,always.I feel that is a grace from the Lord. Everyone keeps telling me I have my son and 3 grandsons to live for.That is not enough to fight the suicide feelings dominating my thoughts.I can't imagine living without Larry for one year, let alone the rest of my life.I feel so good for nothing,why am I here.It's been 8 months and nothing has gotten better.I don't talk to but one person.My son comes over to bring my meds every morning,but I am asleep.He also comes for an hour or 2 on Sat morning.I can't tell anyone any of this.I feel deserted but I am the one isolating!!!Larry understood me,we were together at 16 and 17.I was a broken child and he fell for me.And stayed around to get me better and he went through so many suicide attempts and hospitalizations and was always there for me.God has saved my life so many times,I really should be dead.Drs. can't understand why I am not.Me either.If I can make it til Friday,I have a drs. appt. and plan to ask for referral to mental health place. Obviously,my depression cocktail is not working anymore and must be adjusted.Why did God let me post here,where everyone is raw and hurting?Why am I even telling all this?I don't know.Love Ruthanne
  25. I hear you, my friend. I have that regret too. My father will not see his granddaughter grow up. She was only two months old when he passed away. You are so right. No matter who old we are, we still need our mom and dad. I could be 70 years old when my parents pass and it would still be a great shock. Life was hard caring for my dad, but grief is a million times harder. I don't think any of us are ready for this phase of life. We just take for granted our parents will be present. I'm very sorry for your pain.
  26. WaHaaf99, I am sorry about how you are feeling. Grieving is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Which is why self care is so important. Adequate sleep if we are able to. A few, small healthy meals throughout the day and water so we do not get dehydrated. A walk in nature to clear our minds, fresh air to help with sleep. Enough cannot be said for pampering ourselves to help us through on our journey of missing someone. Keep praying and we will pray for you as well. We need each other. (HUGS)
  27. Butterfly14, Thank you for finding this forum and reaching out on your own. I was told this bit of info at a grief support group. Don't wait and expect others to know your needs. We have to be the ones to keep reaching out for a listening ear, a supportive hug. Most people we know don't know what to say or do, they are uncomfortable and choose to avoid instead of asking what we need. I am deeply sorry for your loss. You lost your boyfriend, the love of your life and the future with him. It is concerning that his friends, family, haven't been there for you? You have come to the right place for expressing yourself. Only those of us that have lost a significant other understand the pain, loneliness, despair, all the emotions that you will come to experience. Continue to pray and keep your faith in God. He will not desert you in your greatest time of need. It might feel at times that God is not there for you, but He is. He sees and hears your suffering and will show you the way to the other side of grief. (HUGS)
  28. I have been going to a counselor and taking medication. I've recently had back surgery so it's like I'm finally now clear headed to deal with so much. We were moving to be closer to her and 3 days short of us movingshe passed away. Life would be so different if she was here. Bothers me so much my daughter will never remember her. I have to remember my daughter needs me as much as I want my mama. Doesn't matter how old you are when you don't feel good you want your mama.
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