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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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  1. Past hour
  2. About a year ago, my 15-year-old dog fell in the pool while outside alone and nearly drowned. The vet said he was developing dementia and that offered an explanation for some strange behaviors we'd noticed in him (like having a hard time navigating the house and backyard, not being able to find his food, etc). He pulled through the near-drowning incident and ever since then, we watch him closely when he's outside and he's never left alone for more than a minute or two at a time. Last night, I let him out and was watching him. He found his leftover dinner bowl and laid down and started eating his food. He's old and has a lot of trouble with his legs and eating takes him a while. I stood there for a minute and then went inside to get a drink. I peeked out the window at him and he was still eating, so I fixed a snack and looked out again and he wasn't at his bowl. I went outside to check on him and there he was in the pool. He was no longer swimming, but the water was moving as if he just was. I pulled him out and he was still alive, but not struggling, just calm. I tried reviving him the best I knew how and felt his body go completely limp and just knew he was gone. He died in my arms, which I'm grateful for, but I'm overwhelmed with guilt and shame for what happened and my negligence. I feel completely responsible for what happened. Had this been the first time he fell in the pool, I feel it would be more forgivable, but I just don't know how I'm going to forgive myself for this. I'm still in shock that he's gone and in shock over how he died. His health was definitely going down hill over the past 6 months, and we've talked many times about putting him down, but I haven't been able to bring myself to have him euthanized. I was waiting for his health to really force my hand, and then this happened and I just feel so incredibly awful. I don't know how I'll ever get the images of seeing him in the pool out of my head. I feel tormented.
  3. About a year ago, my 15-year-old dog fell in the pool while outside alone and nearly drowned. The vet said he was developing dementia and that offered an explanation for some strange behaviors we'd noticed in him (like having a hard time navigating the house and backyard, not being able to find his food, etc). He pulled through the near-drowning incident and ever since then, we watch him closely when he's outside and he's never left alone for more than a minute or two at a time. Last night, I let him out and was watching him. He found his leftover dinner bowl and laid down and started eating his food. He's old and has a lot of trouble with his legs and eating takes him a while. I stood there for a minute and then went inside to get a drink. I peeked out the window at him and he was still eating, so I fixed a snack and looked out again and he wasn't at his bowl. I went outside to check on him and there he was in the pool. He was no longer swimming, but the water was moving as if he just was. I pulled him out and he was still alive, but not struggling, just calm. I tried reviving him the best I knew how and felt his body go completely limp and just knew he was gone. He died in my arms, which I'm grateful for, but I'm overwhelmed with guilt and shame for what happened and my negligence. I feel completely responsible for what happened. Had this been the first time he fell in the pool, I feel it would be more forgivable, but I just don't know how I'm going to forgive myself for this. I'm still in shock that he's gone and in shock over how he died. His health was definitely going down hill over the past 6 months, and we've talked many times about putting him down, but I haven't been able to bring myself to have him euthanized. I was waiting for his health to really force my hand, and then this happened and I just feel so incredibly awful. I don't know how I'll ever get the images of seeing him in the pool out of my head. I feel tormented.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    niquesmom you made it to the one month mark well done you especially as every day seems impossible and insurmountable. You just survive one day at a time until you find your feet again. Do not beat yourself up it is so hard to carry on "as normal" when your world has been shattered. Do what you can each day, maybe one day you acheive a small victory and not the next small steps small steps. However long we have with our child it is never enough whether they died as a baby toddler teenager or mature adult we all wish desperately for more time with them that is normal because we loved them deeply and miss them. My Tommy also was challenging at times he had ADHD and bipolar disorder and was not medically compliant. He was a joker and could be disruptive and when he fell into a drug lifestyle was very difficult. Tough love comes into play and it hurts. He got himself clean and was doing well when he was killed and I am so sad he did not get to enjoy the sober life long enough to make a difference. His self esteem rocketed and he was happy but that is the way it goes. I know some ignorant people will say "at least you still have your son" but we know having one child missing is a lifetime of pain and adjustment. One day at a time ok?
  5. Today
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    It will never be long enough Dearheart, but it was her full life. You were with her for her full life. I received a card when Erica died, it said something to the affect of: Every living thing on Earth, no matter how long they are here, has lived a full life. They have lived their full life. It helped me to read that. Erica was also filled with controversy in her life, hated school, was oppositional with authority for many years, had many friends, and was also just at the crux of learning to make her life...she was happy and I was so thrilled that she had found ways to carry herself forward with a good attitude. And so while it will never be enough, it is what I was able to have with my Girl. It was her whole life. We are here for you and each other, please be patient with yourself.
  7. Put my dog to sleep this morning.

    Oh I'm so sorry, words don't help much but I've found the support on here to be so overwhelming and much more than I ever expected. It's so raw for you right now but time will help. Yes 15 is a wonderful age but that doesn't help either. Sorry it's impossible to know what to say right now but that we all feel it on here and we all understand, we have been through it. Please share if you feel you want to, people here are kind xx
  8. Can't let him go yet

    @Furbabies09 how is Jacob doing? I noticed you hadn't updated today, we are all with you and Jacob right now, sending support & hugs xx
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Nique was 18, just getting ready to start her grown-up independant life. She had plans, and I am sad I won't get to see what she would have done with her life. She was a difficult child, I had to learn patience and strength with her, I was so excited to see what she was going to do with that spirit and spunk. She was my only child until 4 years ago, when my son was born. She had a hard time adjusting, but was finally able to spend time with her brother and have fun (they watched movies, played video games and Legos). I am forever grateful to have had her for 18 years, but it wasn't long enough. Thanks for listening. V
  10. Oh sweetheart, we know how you feel. I sleep with my babies ashes on my chest just to feel closer to her. It's unreal that a life so cherished amounts to a little box. I sometimes look at Tia's ashes and can't quite believe it's her in there with that huge personality and heart full of love. We chose the photo memory box too. I wonder if ours are the same? (excuse the photo of me, I look as rough as anything! My boyfriend took it while I was asleep!! I've edited my face out as much as possible!)
  11. A minute and a half.

    Joe, I am not even 2 months since my Eric died, much the same--we went to bed, woke up 5 hours later he was gasping for breath. I called 911 and started doing CPR. The EMTs finally showed up, but could not get a pulse, although they tried injecting those drugs that get the electrical impulse going. I still feel that there was a way out of it, if not then, then the night before, or the day before, or the month before, or the year before. He had had a heart attack, I was out of town at a conference--he took so long to go to the clinic that there was a lot of damage to his heart. I made it to the hospital that night. The more his heart healed in those ten days after, the more scar tissue, and sadly, the more chance of electric misfires in his heart, which is what happened. There are things too that I thought I would take to my grave, I would say aloud, to Eric, "That is just for us, as spouses..." but then I would tell someone. But still, there are some things I want to keep just between us. But I talk out loud to him all the time. The first month I screamed and keened for hours--thank god it is winter and all the windows are shut or neighbors might have called the police. Now I come home from work and tell him about the day. Sometimes I read letters aloud that we wrote each other over the 17 years we knew each other. But yes, keep talking. They hear us. I am sorry for you, for being here now. And yet it has opened up a hidden world to me of interconnected webs of suffering, loss, and blind faith--because what else would you call it when you keep getting up and going through the day when there seems to be no point that you can see except faith in something. I think I went to the funeral home in my pajamas, when I first went to make arrangements straight from the hospital. the hospital let me stay with Eric afterwards for about 5 hours. Or maybe they forgot I was there. People at work keep asking, "How are you doing?" Possibly they cringe after it comes out of their mouth. I want to say, "Shitty! My husband is dead. My default position is devastated! " But I just say, "I am getting up everyday." I think the worst one is, "Did you have a good weekend?" I actually see them wince after they say that. People mean well--oh well...Odd things keep turning up in my mailbox from people I work with in remote villages. Today there was a little card, like a business card, in an envelope. It said, "'I wanted to see him again, to say goodbye the way that I wanted. Then I realized if I got my way, I'd never say goodbye.'" It was perfect for that moment, how I was feeling, all the"if only, and should haves, and I wish I had". This came from someone I barely knew, yet they knew what I was feeling, and reached out and let me know. I am still writing down one good thing on my calendar everyday. It makes me think, and review the day. But inside, I am still waiting for him to come home.
  12. My Mom passed away and I'm so lonely.

    Dear Astral, My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. This is an extremely difficult time and all I can say is please be kind and gentle with yourself. Take it moment by moment. Try and surround yourself with loving friends and family. If you want maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group. Sending you love and hugs. Thinking of you and your sister. We are all here for you.
  13. At least she back home with you, I know it's little comfort but I found having Jasmine's ashes back offered some respite from the pain because I felt she was home where she belonged even after 10 years I still talk to her ashes as though she is really here.
  14. Dear Emy, I am very sorry for all your losses. It is so hard. And please know what you are feeling is normal part of grief. That is a lot for one person to go through. Please know we are all here to listen and support each other. Thinking of you.
  15. My dear baby Husky

    Hi Husky, I feel your pain, guilt is the best friend of grief I'm afraid. We torment ourselves with the what if's. did I do the right thing, did I do enough it's a torture we put ourselves through with no rhyme nor reason and serves no purpose other than to twist the knife in our hearts all the more. You did the right thing for your baby, he knows that, you were with him at the end, to comfort him, it doesn't matter where that was, what was important is that you were there with him and you were. Like you I don't have many friends, I also don't have any family so my Ava is all I have, it makes the loss all the more devastating because they are not just part of your life, they are your whole life, every thought, action thing you do revolves around them so when they've gone life is like a black hole sucking you in. Come here and talk to people, I've found it really helps, people here understand the pain you are feeling far more than I've found people in the 'real' world do.
  16. Put my dog to sleep this morning.

    I'm sorry you girl has gone, 15 was a good age, I lost my shepard when she was 14, it's so hard letting them go, the hole they leave is so big and so deep it's overwhelming. Sending hugs x
  17. A minute and a half.

    Hi Joe, When it is about grieving I don't think there is much we should take to our graves.Even now I feel the need to talk about exactly what happened when Steve died, what I did and how I felt.I did not even know the 911 number for Australia(it is 000;I will not forget that now...)so I phoned the neighbours as they were the last people I spoke to.I remember me frantically searching for the telephone(we only had one between the 2 of us as we were always together...) and of course the battery was nearly flat. Wednesday is going to be a big day for you and for Kat.She will be there in spirit.No way she is going to miss that.
  18. excellent youtube video

    Yes,the 5 stages principle is so out of date and so cringingly inaccurate! I loved her Irish accent.Just like my husband's. Did not know she had other videos too.I will check it out.Thanks for mentioning.
  19. I lost my mom on 4-2-17 due to something being messed up during heart surgery and shortly after 5 friends in a car accident on 4-10-17 for a little seemed like things were ok I was able to sleep but like a month or so after I started not sleeping well and wakings up feeling like my heart is racing and it’s hard to breathe or sometimes I’ll wake up crying is this normal after losing people you love?
  20. We put our dog Mel (Melissa) down this morning. She was a 15 yr old German Shepard. We were not planning on it. I won’t go into detail, but we knew in the morning, when we brought her to the vet - we probably would not be bringing her home, and that was the case. — It’s past her bedtime now (11:00 pm) and I’m staring at the empty spot on the floor where her bed used to be next to mine. She would make me go in the bedroom with her around 9:30 so she could “go bedtime” Then I would work on my laptop in the dark so she could sleep (my bossy girl). But I guess I can stay up as late as I want now, huh. Mel’s Gone. (tears)
  21. Loss of an Adult Child

    Niques Mom, I know the ache you are feeling, the wish to crawl away and be alone...it is something you will need, some alone time, do you have anyone who can come regularly to babysit so that you can have two hours here, an hour there to count on. It is imperative to have some alone time to figure out who you are in this new life. I am holding your hand and hoping the best, I know you want the pain over sooner than later, but I am afraid to tell you that there is no way for that to happen.The pain is the representation of the love, we hurt that much because we love them that much, which is the only part of algebra I get, that what ever is on this side of the equation, the equal amount is on the other side. I am telling you this not to scare you, but to let you knowthat this kind of grief will change, but the grief is life-long. It will get lighter to carry one day, but it will take time my Dear. It has to. All things are a process so please understand that this process needs your patience...and when your co-worker tells you that you are strong, you can say that you don't feel like you are, that you are doing what you have to do for your family. It is not a lie. One day when you have a different view, you will see how strong you had to be to get through this time. We are very strong, but we never really wanted to know just how strong. There is nothing fair or easy about this sad time, but please hold on and know that we are here to help you in the best ways we can, by listening. Tell us about Niques and about you and your little one.
  22. 4 months

    Hi all I was on here a while ago it's been 4 months now since my bf has been gone it's been hard I miss him a lot the days just go by i try not to be depressed and have what joy that I can but it's the same day every day wake up to him not being there and doing things that I need to do during the day then go to sleep without him what's the point to anything without him i don't know if I'll ever feel any happiness again or if this is it just existing couse there's no other choice but to. For all the new people on here I'm sorry for your losses it's a terrible thing to lose anyone you love
  23. Loss of an Adult Child

    Louann, Sorry for missing Kira's Birthday, Jan 21... right? hang on my friend. This day is a day that brings the joy of their birth with the sorrow of their death. Be kind to yourself. Colleen, Brians Mom forever
  24. Can't let him go yet

    Jacob is such a fighter. Congratulations for his road to recovery. Your new vet is a really great person to save his life. I am so happy for you.
  25. My dear baby Husky

    Sorry to read the story of Husky. What a lovely furry friend for so many years. To decide to end the suffering of a companion is one of the hardest things to do. It sounds like you did the right thing even though I know it doesn't feel that way. Kidney failure is painful if a pet has to die naturally from it. So for that reason I feel you did the most loving thing for Husky. There are a lot of people here who understand exactly how sad you feel. We have all lost a furry friend. Hugs
  26. Loss of an Adult Child

    Happy Heavenly Birthday, Kira Pray your mom feels your kisses and hugs today
  27. Loss of an Adult Child

    Made it through the one month mark yesterday. Really hard, tried to take my son out to play in the snow when all I wanted to do was crawl in bed. One of the girls at work told me I am strong, and I don't like her saying that. I don't feel strong, I am just doing what I need to do to keep our family going. I think if I didn't have my son and husband I would never come out of my house. I am terrified of how long the pain is going to last, I just miss nique so much, I want the pain to lessen sooner rather than later. Love to all. V
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