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  2. I lost my mom less than 3 weeks ago. It was sudden and unexpected and somewhat tramatic to me. She was not sick. I'm finding it hard to cope. I'm drained, it is hard to focus, I can't make decisions, I have no motivation, I feel very depressed... The list could go on and on... One thing I'm struggling with is returning to school. I went to a lecture for 2 hours today and I'm drained. I'm in a fog. Just going to this one class took everything from me. This week I will likely be talking to my professors (I've already emailed them), but we will likely be setting up times for make up test since I missed one, and assignment extentions. I wonder if there is anything else I need to address. My concern is the classes I attend in which you get graded based on participation. It is one thing to listen to a lecture, but going to class prepared and knowledge of topics at hand seems daunting to me. I haven't even been able to read anything from my textbook the last 2 weeks or so. I hate the thought of my grades dropping, I was doing so well, but I'll have to see what I can do. Has anyone lost my parent while in university? What was your expjerence like? When did you go back to classes? Was the school able to help and how?
  3. Tash, Grief becomes what it demands from us, but when you have little ones who are in constant need of care, your grief may be kind of day however, you will face it all and will find your way through other way but through it. Along that treacherous path through grief, we learn invaluable ways to live our best lives in order to shine our Child's light. In doing so we come out the other end of grief, still grieving but in a different way, we learn how to live and fit grief into our narrative.( I have two children but one died, however she will always be my Daughter.) One day, but this is a will go up and down and inside out. You will one day feel battered and another day okay enough, it is not linear. Hang on Tash.
  4. KMB and everyone else, It's definitely true, that one of the hardest points in time of grief is when everyone else reverts back to their day to day lives. Immediately following a death, everyone will be there for you, people will come by and help you, hug you, let you talk and talk and talk, let you cry, support you in all sorts of ways. But the truth is, for us on this board, we are the ones who had that close personal relationship. We are the ones who feel the loss most immensely. Anyone whose life your beloved touched will grieve, but every book on grieving I've read says that grief differs based on many things, but one of those is the relationship and the degree of it that the person shared with the one who has passed. In other words, your friends, your family, your co-workers, people like that...They may have been a part of your beloved's life, but you and only you were their "soulmate", their partner, their companion, their best friend. So you and only you will grieve so intensely. Things at work have gone back to normal. Her desk is cleaned out. The flowers are gone. Her picture was taken down from the staff board. Her name is gone from our computer systems. If you didn't know better, it'd look like she just moved on to another job. Sometimes it even does still feel like that for me, that she's just gone temporarily. Like she's on a trip overseas for the next month or year or whatever and someday she'll come back and everyone will welcome her back with open arms. I know it's not true logically, but my emotional mind still can't fully accept this. My mom was very supportive at first, she really liked my girlfriend a lot and said she even already saw her as part of our family, even though we weren't married yet. She said she fully expected us to get married and for her to become part of our family for real, so why not start now? My mom always included her in things, talked to her like a best friend, and her and my mom had a relationship that I'd argue was better than her with her own mom. But even now, my mom has gone back to her life, and rather than talking about how much we both miss her, she's moved to more of the "life goes on" statements. I know that my mom doesn't like to see me hurt this much, but telling me that life goes on is no comfort at all to me right now. My life doesn't feel like it's going to go on. It doesn't feel worth it. It doesn't feel like I have any reason to keep going sometimes. I am glad this forum exists. This is one place where people who are dealing with this horrible state of reality can go to actually be listened to, validated, understood, empathized with, even months into the tragedy. I myself am only one month in. It feels like a drop in the bucket compared to some of the folks on here, several months or even years into their grief. I know that I'd like to be OK, but I also know that I can't just be OK, I lost a huge part of me, a large part of me died with her and is now with her on the other side, waiting for me to rejoin her. Keep posting and keep talking. I wish we could make it better for everyone on here, but at the least, keep talking and know that people will not judge you here.
  5. Sharyn01----I am extremely sorry for you and the loss of your hubby. I referred to my husband by that that word also, when talking about him. A term of endearment and I miss so much saying it. I live in a rural area also. Resources are hard to come by when you have a distance to drive. I have access to a support group that meets once a month at a hospice office 20 miles out and it is at night. Out of my comfort zone, ( night time driving), but I force myself to get out, just for the interaction with others dealing with loss. It's hurtful when family and friends go back to their lives. It is in the following weeks, months ,down the road when you need them the most. As time goes on, the shock, the denial, wears off. Then comes acceptance. That is a biggie. Takes a long time for that word to filter through the chaos,pain and brain fog. I still have not fully accepted my husband being gone, permanently. How can that be? How could my soulmate be here one minute and gone the next? Even though he had health conditions and physical limitations, he was still actively involved in life, helping others right through his last day. It might feel like you are going *insane*---- it is the all-consuming pain and loneliness that makes you feel that way. You don't know where to turn or what to do. All we can do is breathe. Just focus on breathing. One second, one minute, one hour, one day, at a time. I'm going to repeat what Herc and fzald have said, take care of you. I've had many days, still do, where I didn't shower, laid in bed, crying, let minor things slide.I take care of the necessary things but I let a lot go to the back burner for now. A lot of life now is overwhelming. Things that used to never bother in dealing with can be overwhelming. Just take it slow and easy. There is really nothing that important in this life except you taking care of you. This forum has become my life line. I have no one in my life to share my feelings with. There are many wonderful, caring, understanding people here. I sincerely hope you find some comfort and peace here. Hugs to you.
  6. Hello, All--Lisa K, May, Mission, Eliz, Athina, Reader, Cindy Jane, Dgiirl, Jackie, and probably a few I have inadvertently missed-- Lisa, I hope everything will turn out OK for you. I wish the best for you on your surgery....I know I'd be scared too. We will all be here for you. May, I love songs from the 70s and late 60s--and have found myself listening to a lot these past few years. They're kind of wistful for me, as they remind me of my happier past in NYC when mom was still around. I love the Carpenters ' songs "Superstar" and "Top of the World". The first one, kind of sad and bittersweet, was one of my faves growing, it helps me picture our small apartment where mom was never far away. These days, I choke up when I hear this part: Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby You said you'd be coming back this way again baby Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, I love you I really do Loneliness is a such a sad affair And I can hardly wait to be with you again What to say to make you come again Come back to me again And play your sad guitar I also remember "Nights in White Satin" (a sad song that was a hit when mom was in the hospital), but I also l like "California Dreamin," Downtown (reminds me of all those great days mom and I went down to Manhattan), "Windy," " Georgy Girl," and a song by the Cowsills "The Rain, the part, and other things" Well, back to the present. It's a beautiful, warmish, sunny day today. And it also happens to be what would have been my mom's 85th birthday: yes, she shares the exact same birthday w/ Liz Taylor, who died even younger than my mom. They must have been passing out the looks on that day, because my mom was quite the beauty too (see my gallery of pics). Too bad she didn't get the acting talent! I remember thinking to myself when I had first heard of Liz's death, look at mom--so hale and hearty. She'll last well into her 90s. 85 will be nothing at all. Little did I ever expect to lose her at the age of 82 and 7 months. Even younger than her own mother who was obese. I can't help but think how our future was cut tragically short. I know there are others of you who've lost your moms at even earlier ages....but I guess we never have time enough with our moms. I remember thinking that as soon as dad kicked off, being the perpetual bother, nuisance, castrated POS that he was, mom and I would have a much easier life. No more strange hours for mom to accommodate herself. No more last minute drag racing for mom because dad didn't get up in time for his appointment. No more countless reminders to dad. Eliz, I was going to do just what you were planning too. Mom and I were going to book a cruise or train travel as soon as I sent that book off to the publishers. I was going to buy her a new wardrobe. We were going to enjoy a peaceful life together. We would finally get the life we deserved and that we waited for so long and so patiently! But, of course, it didn't happen that way. I got stuck with the crappy parent--my dad. The parent who never behaved like a parent. Most of you who've been here long enough know my feelings about my dad--how I hated him for screwing up my education and career, cheating on mom, and on a being a generally financially irresponsible parent. Well, yesterday, I got further confirmation of this-- as is any more were necessary at this point. One of his relatives--an uncle whom I remember fondly from our days in the Bronx--contacted me yesterday. He actually thought dad was at home, but I explained the situation. Anyway, I learned a lot of interesting turns out that when my paternal grandmother died and left the property to her 3 kids--dad, his sister, and younger brother--the latter took ALL of it. My dad never got his share--and he was too chicken to contest him. FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE WAS THE OLDEST BROTHER! WHAT A Phucking measly, NODICK ahole--NO WONDER HE WAS ALWAYS WEAK AND SICK growing up! HIS PARENTS SHOULD HAVE JUST LET HIM DIE! A WEAK MALE IS A USELESS MALE AS FAR AS I SEE IT! Anyway, his younger sister died a decade after the now the youngest son is using his parents' house as a medical facility for a son or son-in-law (also a doctor). In other words, he is using it for himself without paying any rent. WHY IS IT THAT EVERY FATHER I KNOW KNOWS HOW TO LOOK OUT FOR THE INTERESTS OF HIS SONS AND DAUGHTERS AND MINE COULD NOT BE BOTHERED? Right now, we are owed a substantial 6-digit figure. My dad always assumed that his brother would give him a share because he's become quite wealthy as a doctor himself....that alone should show how dumb and naive my dad is. (Just because he's a a pansy himself doesn't mean every one else is a pansy too.) My loser dad does not have the common sense to realize that THE WEALTHIER SOMEONE IS, THE GREEDIER THAT PERSON WILL BE. Right now, I hate my dad so mcuh for not having claimed his share....he only wanted to make himself look good, i.e., not greedy, without caring about MY futur! What's even worse is that my dad himself had also given his parents $200-300 EVERY MONTH when they were still alive--and that was between the 1960s and 1980, when $200-300 a month was worth about $1300 today. And meanwhile, that shitt-for-brains had the gall to push me to apply to the best universities before ultimately denying me the chance to go when I did get in. PHUCK YOU DAD FOR SENDING ME TO S. college, NOT U.C. BERKELEY, which is a world class institution. (My college is just as good.....but in academe, as is true everywhere else, popular reputation matters!) It's like he wanted to screw me out of EVERYTHING IN LIFE! And here, I have to WASTE TIME. going to see this phucker in hospitals and rehab. HE SHOULD JUST DIE! THAT'S HOW HE TREATED ME AND MOM! NOT CARING ABOUT OUR FINANCIAL SECURITY! Just contrast the way that mom wanted to make sure I would get a part of her mom's property. She talked about it on a weekly basis. Yes, it's true, MY MOM WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER CARED FOR MY PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL WELL BEING. I AM DONE VISITING HIM! HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME. WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT HIM? To those of you who lost your fatherS....I honestly wish I could trade mine with yours. I wish mine were buried and yours still with you. At least, yours fought tooth and nail for you all the way as a TRUE parent, father, and family provider. All of your fathers probably supported you in your every endeavour, fought for your inheritance, didn't cheat on your moms. Mine was only a sperm donor and leech. If I can find a way of not paying for his burial or dumping his ashes down the toilet, I will do so. I don't want his ashes mingled with mine or my mom's.
  7. Today
  8. Hello everyone. I"m new here. I lost my mother a month ago today and i"m having a really hard time dealing with it. I miss her so very much. Feel like crying every day,, many times a day. I also get angry and resentful towards others very easily. I don't understand this. Was wondering if any of you have gone through this emotion of anger towards others. I appreciate the add and look forward to getting to know you all. God bless, Cynda
  9. I totally empathize with you as being the caretaker and being so worn out and almost jealous everyone else goes about their lives. I was with him every single day for over a month while he was in the hospital. Once he decided to go home I was so crushed but knew he was tired of trying and suffering. He passed that night at home in his sleep and I will always regret not staying there that night. I never really said good bye. I was so busy doing everything I could in hopes he would get well, while trying to be there for my children as well. And now I am the one planning the funeral arrangements and tying up all those loose ends and trying to support my grandmother, who is pretty beside herself with grief. Today is his cremation date and Wednesday I will go pick up his ashes. I am having a very difficult time with this process. He will cease to exist except in my memory and dreams. I miss him so much sometimes it takes the wind out of me.
  10. His Monkey---So right you are. Hang on tight to whatever we have left. Our loved ones essence is always going to be with their personal things.
  11. 4Hdad, Your wife passed from pretty much the same thing my girlfriend passed from. My girl was only 22 years old. She was on a short vacation with her family, and suddenly passed out, pretty much mid-sentence, and never woke up again. It was a burst aneurysm. Completely sudden and unexpected. The pain of sudden loss is in a lot of ways even harder than anticipated loss. I had previously lost a very close friend to cancer at a young age, but I had a year or so to "prepare" for the possibility. With my girlfriend, she was here one day, gone the next. We spoke the morning she passed out. She was fine. She passed out during the day, so she was able to be rushed to the hospital and she held on to life for five days in coma, but never woke up and passed away. The day she passed was the same day she was supposed to come back to town and see me again. For the first couple of weeks I struggled so much with that, because we also had Valentine's day plans together. As I've said on this thread we had an active intimate life, but like you I grieve not just the loss of sex itself but the loss of her physical presence, her closeness. It felt amazing just sitting next to her with an arm around her, even if there was nothing sexual about it. When she would come over, she would often sit on my couch with me and we'd find ourselves dozing off, in each other's arms, with my head on her shoulder. It was the most amazing feeling, to be physically close in person to someone you love so much, even if there was nothing sexual going on. Of course we were sexually active, and I miss that too. But more than anything I just wish I could curl up with her again, hold her, smell her fragrance, hear her sweet voice, feel her warmth and her soft skin and her soft touch. I have thought, too, of whether I'll ever want to date again. I have only been in this for a month. So right now, everything is still so fresh, and all I can think of day in and day out is her. I miss her every second of every day and night. I know that if I even tried to date anyone right now, I would be comparing that person to her every single step of the way. Everyone will be "inferior" in my mind to her. I had everything I wanted in her, she wanted to move in with me, we talked of marriage after we got our careers in order, even talked about raising a family. I was living the dream. I had everything a man could want - a good job, a comfortable home, and a truly amazing soulmate partner. In the space of a day, all of that was taken from me. Sure I still have my job and my home, but they feel so meaningless, so empty, so pointless without her by my side.
  12. Tomorrow will mark 6 months from the last night I got to spend with my wife. I went to bed before her; she stayed up late, as she was enrolled in an online college. That had become something of a routine for us and I'd gotten used to going to bed alone most nights. In a sense, I'd already been missing the intimacy of having her there with me at night. I still hear her in my mind. She was funny and opinionated. So, as much as I miss her every day, I still have that part of her with me all the time. In that sense, she's still with me and always will be. Physical intimacy, though, is something I've had to mourn every day and every night. As everyone agrees, it's not just sex (although that is a part of it), but her touch, her smell, just her presence, is very, very hard for me, because it's not something I can ever have again. I will admit to the thought of what it would look like to date again someday. That day is a very long way off, if it ever comes. Never say never, they say. But you know, there's just nothing out there that I want. I had what I wanted and it's gone. I am human, and I desire companionship, and so I'll leave the future open for that possibility someday. For now, though, there is simply nothing out there that could take her place, and for me it feels like that's what it would be - a poor substitute for what I truly desire, which is forever out of reach.
  13. My girlfriend and I had a very sick sense of humor. We often challenged each other to find "the most offensive thing you can find" on a website, YouTube, whatever. We would share amazingly offensive jokes. We could laugh at just about anything, and we both liked to say that it was impossible for us to actually offend each other. Don't get me wrong, I would never deliberately offend anyone. I won't even go into the specifics because I'm sure it would offend at least one person here if I gave examples, but needless to say, that "openness" is one thing I miss so dearly about her. Not even so much that I could bounce offensive dirty jokes off her and she'd laugh with me, but that I had one person, a soulmate, who I knew could handle anything I could throw at her, and would laugh with me. If I felt angry, I could rant to her and she'd end up laughing at the way I was ranting which would make me laugh which would take the anger right away. A shared sense of humor, dark or not, is one of the things that can make us feel so connected to another person. I'm sure that every one of us here feels the lost of that sense of humor, that connection. Laughter is truly "the best medicine" and my girl and I loved to laugh a lot. I haven't laughed much at all since she passed, and I do find I miss it. It's just that things I used to find funny don't make me actually laugh. I still do think of how I'd respond to things people say as if my girl had said them, but of course I can't voice that out loud because it'd either be offensive or at least inappropriate. I feel so lonely without her.
  14. @ELiz Thank you so much for your kind words. You really made me feel better. And I will say - the shopping trips have got me! Which has happened quite a bit because of COURSE my mom taught me the art of retail therapy I'm glad to know you grieved in a similar way and I'm so, so sorry for your sudden loss. I was lucky enough to have a special year of knowing and cherising my time with my mom.
  15. Sharyn, All of us on this section of the board have felt the absolute intense pain of losing the love of our lives. It hurts. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. Sometimes it will feel unreal, like you will still expect him to call you or walk in the door. Sometimes you will feel life is not worth living. Sometimes you will want to give up. You might find you feel nothing is worth it, no matter what you can accomplish, it's pointless without the one you love. These feelings are all normal. Don't try to avoid them. Feel them, embrace the pain as they say. It hurts terribly, but everything I've read and heard suggests that we actually need to feel pain in order to proceed through the grieving process. Trying to drown it out by throwing yourself into something may be a temporary band-aid but your emotions will win out in the end and you will have to grieve. It's not fair. It's never fair when the person we love most is taken from us, for any reason, sudden or not. I personally lost my serious girlfriend of 6 years only a little over a month ago. I have had every possible emotion since then. Sometimes I can't stop crying, other times I can't feel anything, other times I feel like it's unreal, other times I feel like life isn't even worth living. The only option I have is to ride the waves. I want to get off the ride, I just want the nightmare to end and for all of this to be a joke or a bad dream, but I'm stuck. Like Herc said, try your best to at least take care of your basic needs. But also, realize that you are injured. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. Allow yourself to feel the pain. If you work, take time off if you need to. Anything that's not urgent can wait. If you need to go to bed early, do it. If you need to sleep in, do it. If you need to indulge a little in some comfort food, do it. Eating anything is better than nothing right now. I am only five weeks into my loss, but it is still as fresh as the day it happened, in fact it's worse because some of my denial has started to fade and I am starting to face the truth, the reality that for the rest of my mortal life I will never again see, talk to, hold, touch the girl I love, the one I intended to spend my entire life with. Your life will change forever from this day. I won't lie to you and say this will be easy. It will be hard. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever live through. I'm sorry you don't have easy access to a support group and yes, I would say you are probably making a good choice not to try to drive long distances yet. But we can be here for you on this board. None of us know exactly how you feel but we do all know the intense feelings of loss, and we are all here to help each other. I wish that everyone here was here under different circumstances, but sadly, we are here, and so the best we can do is help each other, care for each other, and support each other through these horrible, unimaginable times.
  16. Abdul, I worked for my local humane society, and closely with animal control for about five years. I can tell you right now you did nothing wrong. Calling animal control or the humane society is definitely an option that people could use in the same situation, but it is not a guarantee. While you are doing that, the injured cat could get spooked by a near by car and dart in to the road anyway. It takes time to look up your local animal control agencies number, place the call, for them to respond, all of it. Animal services are usually understaffed to begin with, I know in our county we had 5 field technicians to cover a 507 square mile area with over 1 million people on a 24 hour basis. That means that even had you immediately called the agency, and they immediately dispatched a field representative, and assuming they weren't already responding to another similar call, they would probably be in the area of 20 miles away. Minimum 20 minutes not including traffic, stop signs, etc. From experience, if the cat had blood coming from the mouth, and it was in the median of a busy street, it had probably already been struck and had internal injuries. It is fairly likely that nothing you could have done would have saved the cat, and indeed that the animals end, while tragic, reduced the amount of pain and suffering it would have gone through. We can all only work with the situation we are presented with, and do the best we can to get through it. You did that, and tried to help an injured animal. Regardless of the outcome you are a terrific person, who did everything they could to help.
  17. My wife and I shared an appreciation for twisted humor, and so I don't feel ashamed or bad in the least when such things enter my mind, and they do - even from day one. I hardly ever share those bits with anyone, and for good reason. This story is a bit long, but I wanted to set the scene: The morning I found my wife, having passed away in the night of an un-diagnosed cerebral berry aneurysm, I was a wreck. The kids were in shock. Her mother, who lives with us, was in shock. The EMT's had moved her from where I'd found her to the living room floor. The house was buzzing with strangers; police, maybe half a dozen EMT's and firefighters, a couple of very nice ladies from a local organization who come to console and guide survivors, and the coroner. The coroner informed me that she had two assistants en-route who would be taking my wife away. Two well dressed young men arrived. Very respectfully, they told me that I may not want to witness them removing my wife from our home. While the kids and the mother-in-law had no desire to be in the room with her, I was by her side for the last time, and I told them I wasn't leaving. I stepped aside to let them do their jobs. They have to roll her to get her into the plastic bag, which is the part I guess that they think people don't want to see. They get her into the thing and are going to begin lifting her up onto a gurney. These two well-dressed, very respectful young men then bend over at the waist to pick up my wife. In my mind, I shout; "LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS, NOT YOUR BACK, ASSHOLES." Of course I didn't say it out loud. Their job must be difficult enough without some distraught idiot telling them how to do it. But still - proper lifting is, or should be, pretty common knowledge. I was baffled at how they could do what they do every day and not know this. I have other, more shocking, examples of this dark humor we shared making appearances in my mind. But, I don't share those with most people because they wouldn't necessarily understand or appreciate it, and I don't want to have to feel like I need to explain anything to anyone. Leisha, my wife, would have laughed at them, and I've spent more time consoling others than being consoled. You get a sense very quickly of when to keep things to yourself. Honestly, I have some that I'm hesitant to post here, not because they are disrespectful in any way to my wife (though they may easily be taken, erroneously, as such), but because, as I said, you get a sense on what to hold back.
  18. desperately needed at times like this, yet so elusive for many of us. I too have many of my beloved's things around me. They comfort me, just as his handsome face smiles back at me in his puctures, and a reminder of his warm hugs envelops me when I wear his jacket and wedding band. Whatever touched him, I believe, has his brilliant essence still upon it. My wish for everyone here, is that you find whatever brings you that small measure of comfort and hope, and hold tight to it.
  19. JackieF3 welcome! I'm a newbie myself. My mother passed away December 19, 2016 and I'm glad I came across this site shortly after. I've been beyond grateful for those who have responded to me and shared their experiences. This can be a very lonely feeling. Me and you are on the younger end and so were our mothers. This means we don't have many friends who've experienced the death of a parent. My husband hasn't either. You can only vent to them so much but they'll never fully grasp it until it happens to them. As for how you're grieving, everyone does this differently and there is no right way. When I got them call at 8am, I didn't cry. I was just shocked. We had spoken the night before and she was healthy as a horse. She simply didn't wake up. I cried briefly here and there. We got so busy with arrangements and company that I never broke down the first 2 weeks. Christmas came and went. So did New Years. Then my birthday. It was extremely painful having all that shortly after her passing. It didn't really start to hit me until my bday which was 1.5 months after her passing. Much of the shock and numbness had started wearing off and my bday was the biggest reminder of what she will no longer be a part of my life. Much like you, I've been holding it together pretty well. I go to work every day. Take care of my husband and kids once at home. Do all grown up obligations just fine. It's the shopping trips to our favorite store that hit me like a ton of bricks. It's the moments I badly want to phone her to share family gossip that I no longer can do that get me. So it's not the every day functioning that becomes impaired. It's the moments when I realized "I can no longer do ----- this with my mom again." Grieve at your pace and let the emotions come and go as they need to. There's no right way. Terribly sorry for your loss.
  20. mia, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are dealing with. The knowledge your husband had inner demons ,that desperation and despair he kept from you, has to be horrendous . Please keep posting here. Anything you want to say, to let out and express is OK. We all understand and you will be heard here. We'll give you the comfort and ears that you need.
  21. Hi everybody, I'm still unsure about how to jump into these discussions, but reading them makes me feel less alone - thank you all for that. Tomorrow marks one month since my Mom passed away and I can't really wrap my head around it. I don't understand how I've gone on living for an entire month without her. And I've done so relatively well. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I cry almost everyday, but I also wake up, get dressed, go to work and get through my day. I even have good days. I like to think I'm just not letting the bad moments (typically at night after the day is done, or when I'm alone for a few hours) ruin my good days. But that seems naive. She's only been gone a month. I shouldn't be doing so well at work, going out with friends and laughing. Right? I'm afraid that the break down will come at some totally random time and people won't be quite so understanding. I don't want this to sound like I don't miss my mom. I do. Literally every second. But I've been able to chug along. Is that okay? Is that normal? Is crying when I get home at night, or just getting emotionally burnt out from days of being fine around a bunch of people "enough" grieving? Do I need to be doing more? I'm 26 years old, my mom was 57. And she was the best.
  22. Goob52 Oh my God, I'm so sorry for you. You must be devastated. Your wife must have been hurting so, going through an imaginable circumstance. You cannot go through something like this and not come out the other end as a changed person. I haven't finished grieving and I don't know how all of this is going to change me. I didn't know how to live with this pain and I certainly didn't know how to move on from it. The reality is that you will grieve forever, You will not get over the loss of your wife; you will learn to live with it. You will eventually heal (or so they say), and rebuilt yourself around the loss you suffered but you will never be the same, nor should you be nor would you even want to be. Death in itself is a tragic affair, even when it is long anticipated; but when it is unexpected, without warning, it's a living hell that is even harder to accept. Sometimes people who die from suicide don't want to end their life, they just want to end their pain. Suicide doesn't kill people, sadness kills them. Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it gives it to someone else. Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better. Whenever you do not understand what's happening in your life, ask the Ultimate Comforter to bring you through it. God's plans for your future are far greater than your fears. Gods way is better than your way; HIS plan is bigger than your plan; HIS dream for your life is more rewarding, more fulfilling better than you've every dreamed of. Stay open and let God do it HIS way. I pray that God will bless you and give you the strength to get through this very difficult time. Stay Strong. Know that we on this website is always here when you need visit.
  23. Kostill with this header, don't know how to remove it! Wanted to share that I noticed that a newbie has posted their story in the " comments and suggestions" section instead of here. I have posted a reply there to try to guide them here!
  24. Reader I completely relate to he sadness that comes from our parent not seeing their grandchildren grow up. I didn't have my son until I was 29 years old because I went college and then graduate school. Then got married. Then got pregnant. I didn't have my daughter until I was 31. My son was only 2.5 yrs old and my daughter 3 months old when my mother passed. My son will soon forget what little memories he made with my mom and my daughter will never remember even meeting her. I guess I should be grateful they got to meet her but it's not good enough. My daughter was her first granddaughter and her world for those short 3 months. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone to grad school and gotten married younger so I could have had my kids younger. She would have spent more time with them. In the past we've talked about possibly having 3 kids. Now I can't imagine having a child she would never know about to point where I have closed that door. MayFGL Incomplete puzzle alright. Isn't that just such a sad reality? Sometimes when depressed, I'll think how sad the rest of my life will be. No matter how amazing life is and what great memories I make, I will never be 100% happy in the moment bc there's a big hole in my heart that will never ever get filled. Sometimes when I do have a moment where I forget about my grief and think to myself how great the weather is or how I'm having a good time with my family I find myself feeling guilty for being happy in that moment. Like I purposely don't give myself permission to be happy. Athina Thank you It is extremely hard to lose a parent when they are still somewhat young. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. It's hard when you know they still have MANY years ahead of them. I know it would have been a tough loss had she died at 100 but 65 just seems so much worse. Whenever I see more elderly persons I get so sad and think how unfortunate my mom was robbed so many years. And don't ever feel bad about thinking that maybe your friends would be more understanding if they had lost a parent too. Grief makes your brain come up with so many things you would never have thought. My dad was the one with medical complications while my mom was the healthier one. After she passed I found myself thinking why couldn't it have been dad who died instead. HORRIBLE thought on my part but that was out of anger. My need and desire to fix this. To bring her back. Trade her life for someone else. God knows had my dad died it'd be doing the same thing. I'm glad you've found at outlet here though. Our friends don't understand the pain just yet. They will eventually though. For now, we can lean on each other and support each other because we know how real this pain is.
  25. Herc, I like that quote also. Even though our beloveds are not here physically, we are still capable of loving them and trying to live our lives with that love, for them.
  26. Sharyn01, We have all felt your pain and turmoil. I know the shock of my loss in the first few weeks made me feel as though I were losing my mind. Friends and family going back to their lives can leave you feeling abandoned, and even when you do have them, it can be hard to relate with them because your grief is unique to you. A support group is a wonderful idea, when you are ready to pursue that. I have felt some changes in the horrible state we are in, and have had some moments of peace. It is also very much an up and down experience, one minute you can experience clarity and comfort, and the next you may be grief stricken. Do not worry about that for now, your grief will progress as it is meant to. For now just care for yourself. Breathe, eat what you can, sleep if you can make yourself, drink water, and go for a walk. It won't stay the same forever. It won't go away, but it will change. We may not be with you physically, but we all unfortunately know the pain you are going through. Wishing you peace and comfort in the most difficult of times, Herc
  27. Mia, I'm sorry for your loss and your shock in finding out the nature of your husband's loss. It's unfortunate you were left with all sort of questions in your mind and you feel hurt and betrayed. You will never truly get 'over' a suicide loss, You get through it, day by day, sometimes, moment by moment. I hope you find it your heart to forgive him, not because he deserves forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. Goodbyes hurt the most when the story was not finished. Don't try to understand everything; sometimes it is not meant to be understood, just accepted. It is so painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go, but it's more painful to ask someone to stay when they want to leave. People who die by suicide done want to end their lives, they want to end their pain. Proverbs 3:5-6 states, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, knowledge him, and he will make your path straight".. May God bless and keep you safe during this difficult time and may you find the strength needed to get you through this.
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