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  2. Thank you. I am sorry for your loss. It is definitely not easy. No matter how I want to believe, there is no book...
  3. She seemed more scared the weeks and days before. I think i am going to die, she Said several times. I just thought it was anxiety and calmed her Down. I feel like i killed her.
  4. Today
  5. KayC, Thanks I read it. My first thoughts are of fear, is it really gone take 11 years. Why can't I speed it up, feel normal again (loved and not by family members). At the end it says find were you are at . I think I may be at "In year three you will start to breathe again, not as often as you would like but enough to know it is possible to have something good in your life again.". Then I think wow this is a hard row to hoe. I keep saying to my self " don't make any stupid decisions". I wish I knew what a stupid decision was so I could avoid it.. Autocharge
  6. lonely1, I also live in the country, the nearest town is 8 miles away and has 3200 people. The nearest city is over an hour away. There isn't a whole lot going on in this sleepy little town. I figure if I just get close to ONE PERSON, that will be a start. I am working on it, I've found that getting involved in small groups is a good place to start. I've started a grief support group here, I'm involved in a bible study on Saturdays, a ladies group on Fridays, plus I have my church activities, and I also volunteer at the senior site Tuesdays and Thursdays. Little by little I'm getting to know more people and slowly but surely developing friendships...it takes time and patience and persistence, but it's getting there, little by little. Keep trying. I think even in the forest of trees we see them, sometimes we have to take a step back and look with fresh perspective.
  7. Vidya, You are the age of my children...it is hard for me to imagine them going through something like this at their age. Cancer knows no age, it visits who it chooses. I am so sorry for your profound loss. We know that loss all too well. The loss is no less whether you have been married 50 years or not at all, whether you are 20 or 80...loss is defined by the capacity we've loved. And we here, have loved, and continue to still. I can share what I have learned over the 12 years since I've lost my George, how I've learned to make my way through this journey...to each person their journey is unique, but if anything aids you in finding your way, that is my prayer for you. There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today.
  8. Autocharge, I like the quote This morning this was shared on my other grief site, and I want to share it here. There comes a time for us to find new purpose, we do not usually just stumble upon it, but it can take effort to create it within our lives. Right now there is so much work in just processing all of the changes in your life, all in due time. I am writing to you from eleven years post-loss. Eleven years of growing, writing, becoming and witnessing what showed up on my path here. At first, the witnessing was just for me so I could re-enter but around year four or five it became ‘witnessing for you’ so I could help you re-enter. These letters I write to you every week are from the future and they are sent back to you so you could find your way. This specific letter is about helping you have patience and persistence as you go forth. This journey is long my darling and I wish it wasn’t. Not only for your healing but for the new life you want for yourself. I hear your life calling you from so far away. And sometimes it is hard to hear it. But the voice will get louder and you will be able to hear it every single day. You must know this. You mustn’t give up. Read on here >>>
  9. Beautiful response, Francine.
  10. We have a 30' patio that is on stilts as our home sits on a hill, and we have hanging plants all across it. When George died, we had a huge pot of pansies, which were special to both of us, he called them the smiling flower. A year after he died, a pansy sprung up on the ground below the patio. In 40 years here, I've never seen that happen, and that it happened with a pansy is particularly odd. You see, I live in the mountains and get lots of snow, and I've never had the pansies "come back", always had to start with new plants the next year. I felt it was a sign from him, it only happened that first year. Yes, when we encounter an oddity such as this, it's easier to recognize as a sign. When George died there was a humongous thunder and lightening storm and at his moment of death a triple rainbow appeared. My sister took a picture of it, one of them didn't show in the picture but it was there...to see something such as this will always take me back to that moment of George's grand entrance into heaven.
  11. Helen, I'm sorry you lost your cat too. I lost my Miss Mocha a year ago June 3rd, she was outside with me and then I never saw her again. She was very happy with me, I'd had her 10 1/2 years, I know she wouldn't have run away, and she was in great health. I think something got her, a cougar or large bird perhaps, but I was outside all day and heard nothing, but I do know they can sneak up on them and catch them totally by surprise and they go into shock and don't even realize what happened it's over so fast. We all have the "what ifs" but I can't feel guilty over it, she lived the life she loved. Had I never allowed her outside, she would not have been happy...she was an adult, on her own, when I adopted her, she was used to coming and going as she pleased, I'd found her living in the top of my garage. I think someone abandoned her out here (I live in the country). She was beautiful and sweet and I still miss her. I don't think that part ever goes away. I'm glad you're able to think of the good memories you shared. (((hugs)))
  12. Louann your topic was an interesting one. i do keep in contact with a few of Tommy's friends but that is easy for me living in a different country the distance is beneficial. I guess you go with your gut as to how you choose whom to see. I can imagine it being very difficult to see Kira's friends growing up and changing and hard to maintain friendships with the parents too. Many people struggle with death and how to deal with family after, it can get very awkward. Kira would never think of you as a bad Mom, and neither do we. It is important to surround yourself with good, genuine kind people not those who have an agenda or are judgemental. If a relationship is meant to continue, that person will eventually reach out to you, understanding that you needed to withdraw to save yourself at that time. I am glad Dee that you are able to step in and be there in place of Erica and enjoying her friendships and feeling included that is something she would be very happy about. Tinay it is still very recent for you and in those earlier days emotions change like the wind so making decisions is not always easy. It is best to protect yourself and make choices as they come up one by one. No one likes to feel so unsure of how they will react so it is common for bereaved parents to withdraw a bit from people until you feel more ready to face the world.When you are ready to face a situation or person you will do so, just for a short time whilst acknowledging to yourself it may be painful and bring up "stuff" in your mind it will be a step further on. I have withdrawn from many of my own friends and some family because I was unable to deal with myself. If they are still there for me after I apologised and explained how difficult and painful it has been for myself that is great. If they dont get it that is also ok we move on and the relationship becomes more superficial and inconsequential. true relationships stand the test of time and distance and you are able to pick up where you left off before.
  13. drembeyn I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Alexander. You are absolutely correct in realising you need to properly grieve for your son even though it happened 6 years ago. You were not able to grieve at the time too shocked and scared and trying to be normal and move on. Your family have not been so supportive of you which is very sad as you need all the help and support you can get. I used to be a nurse in the NICU and have seen what parents like you suffered with the premature birth and fight for survival it is incredibly tough. It is very common for parents to be afraid of bonding with their preemie so do not feel you are a bad person or cold for not being upto holding him. It is best to be able to find a supportive therapist so that along with medication and or treatment you are able to finally be able to talk about losing Alexander and how you feel. Although it is scary to face it will be a relief to unburden yourself and acknowledge that he did exist. The most active thread on this site is Loss of an Adult Child where we would love you to join us. It is for anyone who lost a child of any age from prebirth to adulthood and has many wise and caring members who would help support you.
  14. I agree that I need some friends. Its extremely difficult to find someone though. Everyone else has family, husband, kids, grands. They don't have the time nor the inclination to develop a new friendship. Thats what makes this so hard. Since I live out in the country in a very small town, its even more difficult. I'm working on trying to figure out how to meet some people who might be in the same situation. Francine, I think my forest is too thick right now for me to see much of anything.
  15. Francine I love what you said about learning to live without them. Being so used to doing and sharing with our spouses and then at the blink of an eye they are no longer. So today my husband has been gone 1 month but it seems way longer. I don't feel like I'm grieving anymore but getting used to being alone..
  16. IA long time friend that we disconnected with just reached out to say hi. She asked how I was. I told her not good most days. She said that wasn't like me and I was such a strong lady. I told her about my daughter and just cried. I think for me, it's just too soon for me to be able to be ok being around them. I don't want to burst into tears and ruin their moment (s). It's not easy for me to just excuse myself. I don't drive so can't leave gracefully. I don't want them to think they have to take care of me during their time. I did go to hospital to see my niece's best friends baby. That was way hard. We didn't stay long. I didn't go back on any other further trips to see her. She understood.
  17. Lou Ann, I love being with my Daughter's friends, always have. I love watching how their lives change and grow...it makes my heart happy to see the ways they have grown up and decisions that they have made. I have gone to 4 weddings since Erica died in 2003, have held many new babies born to friends since Erica died. For me, it affirms Erica's place in the hearts of those who loved/love her...these are the lives that she would still be hanging with if she were here in person...and still does hang out with them in her new ways. This is just how I have always felt since Eri left this place. There is no right or wrong way to grieve as long as you do not hurt yourself or others in your grief.
  18. My sympathies on your loss. It's a lot to take in, a lot to recover from. My opinion is that we heal, but it takes us to a different place in life. Everything that breaks can be mended, but it always leaves a crack. Break a bone, it'll heal, but it will always be more delicate in that spot. Break a vase and piece it back together, but there will be marks. So when we break, when our proverbial heart breaks, there will always be traces of it. When we lose someone we love that much, there's going to be a break and there's going to be a change. Your dad, my mom, imprinted on us throughout their lives, and they imprint on us again in passing, just differently. But we do heal. You will get through this, but there will always be triggers to face and there will always be a tenderness to that old wound. It's hard to get through, but when someone is important enough they're gonna leave a mark. You are NOT a burden. You're a person going through a painful transition. You're entitled to your grief and your thoughts and feelings, you're entitled to expressing them and you're entitled to your recovery, just as much as everyone else is. You do whatever you need to do to get through this. Never forget that it's your journey you have to take. Take care of yourself. And give yourself a break. It certainly isn't an easy journey to make.
  19. Vidya, keep pressing and pushing your way through.. “the race is not given to the swift nor the strong but unto them that endure to the end. Ms. Francine you bless my spirit when I read your beautifully typed out words.
  20. Thank you. KMB, Below are my thoughts when I read "A life well lived!". I picked up on how you used the pasttense "lived" . For when my wife passed I also lost our world. The world we created together. There is a saying attributed to Alexander the Great “He wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer”. This is how I feel at times. Now that I have moved in to retirement with out my wife. Even returning to work to what ends, nothing makes sense anymore. Like I’v said before I’v lost my purpose , my motivation. Add to it I’m now fighting Grief and loneliness. What new world lies before me? The unknown and the fear that comes with it. I will face this fear for I have no choice. No retreat no surrender. Autocharge.(I would have never thought I would be using my gamer tag in such away. I have used “autocharge” for 17 years now. It describes my personality to a T.) When I look at my postings before this week and compare them to this week. I can see were this week (the one year mark) has been rough. Reader be warned. Autocharge(moving forward"new normal") Thanks to all who have commented.
  21. I'm sorry for your loss and that in two years you have not begun to heal. And while everyone grieves differently at their own pace, I would only imagine you would have seen or detected some sense of healing. I don't know if you have tried some of the grief support groups and/or one-on-one grief counseling; but they really have helped me on my journey. Or perhaps reaching out to your doctor for guidance may be just what you need to help you through. After 2 years, it certainly wouldn't hurt. The void doesn't ever go away. I think as time goes by, you just might be able to bury it deep within your soul; but it is never gone - dormant perhaps but always conscious. The hardest part of losing someone so near and dear to us isn't saying goodbye, but rather learning to live without them; always trying to fill that vacant void - that emptiness that's left in our hearts when they go. When you think about it, you know what to do - you said it. Make the most of this life that he so desperately wanted. Love your life and believe in your own powers, in your own potential and in your own goodness. Do it with passion or not at all. Believe in your heart that wonderful things are about to happen. You have exactly one life in which to do everything you'll ever do. Dance as though no one is watching; Love as though you have never been hurt; Sing as if no one can hear you and Live as if heaven is on earth. Sometimes, when you make the most out of what you have, it turns out being a lot more than you ever imagined. Whether its the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time you got. Life is like a coin; you can spend it anyway you wish - but you only spend it once. Live it for the both of you. Continue to post. There is a comradery here that you won't find on other forums. We are a grieving family here and will give you comfort, encouragement and support. If you just want to vent, cry, or perhaps just listen, we are here for you and one another. Remember, we're only a post away, but God is always there - 24/7. HE's just a prayer away. My prayer is for God to bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.
  22. Lou Ann-i it doesn't make you a bad parent and I'm sure Kira understands. I go through that too. I don't want to see any of Kiona's friends or their parents either. I don't want to see them getting on. I like to think and believe that our children don't feel anything but love and understanding for us. I don't believe they look down and have disappointment in our decisions and feelings. They know how hard this journey is for us and are only wrapping their angel wings around us as we tredge through each minute of every day.
  23. Yesterday
  24. My sympathies on your loss. It's hard to watch your parent struggle that long, and then losing them after that, it feels like they were cheated. My perspective, at least. My mom had a long illness as well. It takes a lot out of you going through that for so long. Everything you've described is normal. Some people grieve hard right away while others have delayed grief. Perhaps it's just whenever the shock wears off, whenever it starts feeling a little too real. There are many aspects to grief most everyone shares, but we all process it in our own time. Anger, and irrational anger, is something that hits almost everyone. I've read it's a reaction to going from the more "comfortable" (for lack of a better word) state of denial to the impossibly sad realization that it happened. Family and friends end up in the line of fire, so we have to do our best to remember it's only redirected aggression and not actually them. When the anger finally leaves you, you'll have a change of heart. Isolation is normal too. You just need time to grieve and adapt. It's hard learning to cope with this experience being around others. I've always had a dark and cynical side, but I can say there's many things that now draw little to no emotion or care from me. Losing a parent changes you. Not in a good way, but in a manageable way. I've had two major losses that have changed me. My mom 3 months ago, which time will tell how that molds me, and a loss 7 years ago. In my experience we pretty much fall back into our normal selves, but with a part missing. It's like the happy parts of me were dulled, but not so much that I was unhappy. Know what I mean? Things just feel a little less bright than they once were, but it's not such a significant change that you don't get used to it.
  25. Yes I've gotten several opinions. Most recently my records were forwarded to the Cleveland clinic in Ohio. The cardiologists there came back also saying my case is extremely rare. I'm trying so hard to stay strong. It's hard knowing theirs no hope or fix to repair my situation. My cardiologist Dr. Cres Miranda has been so kind and compassionate and wishes something can be done. Please let others know & share my website. I'm really starting to crumble. www.gofundme.com/mpeffer
  26. Becky, what a beautiful poem. Many days I long for the promised land, the place where my daughter dwells. I was at dentist today and that incredibly bright light they have was shining directly in my face and for a moment I wondered if that is what the light is like. Sitting right there in the dentist chair i could have been quite content to look into that light, reach out and take my daughters hand and be gone with her. I guess only a grieving parent would think of that. Devianz andDee. So sorry for all the health and hormonal issues you are having. I hope you both get everything looked after. Devianz, am truly sorry for all the child losses you have suffered. Life is so unfair. When I was still working a new girl started and at break was going around the table asking everyone how many kids they had, my heart started pounding and before they got to me I got up and left. That is so difficult to answer, so sorry you had to go thru that. Lesley glad you got a bit of sun anyway. It has actually been quite rainy here a lot to. Heart still breaks for the Manchester parents. There is something I just wanted to ask all of you. What do you do about your lost child's friends and thier parents? Right from the beginning I have not wanted to have any contact with them. I wish all her friends the very best but do not want to know where they are, whether they are going to school, getting married, having babies. I dont want to sit around with them and reminiscing. Not one of the parents have ever called, sent a card, note or anything. You know, the ones who all came to the funeral with that phony concerned look on their face, saying let me know if there is anything they could do. But really they are just thinking how glad they were that it isn't there kid, walked out and went right one with their lives never giving us or Kira a second thought. I ran into kiras best friend a couple times and was polite but i noticed how her looks had changed and of course I couldn't help.but think what Kira would look like now. I know a lot of parents get a great deal of comfort in seeing their child's friends but I just dont. I hope that Kira would not be upset with me. But I just don't want to know anything about them. Is this being a bad mom ?id really appreciate any feedback. Thanks
  27. Autocharge, Thank you for sharing Trish and your life together. A life well lived!
  28. I had a normal but eventful (mostly good) life till 2012. That year, Me, my best friend cum partner and my brother were back from a beautiful vacation. Everything was so nice. We were running a decor business together. We worked so hard and enjoyed thoroughly. In India, Diwali is the biggest festival and it was approaching. But something approached before that. Cancer came knocking. In its worst form, most aggressive form. It struck my partner. Doctor gave us anything between 4 months to 4 years. It was unbelievable to talk about death at the age of 33. His chemotherapy started on Diwali. He finished the horrifying therapy plus radiation plus surgery with the utmost courage. He did fine for the following one and a half years. And then, the tumour reoccurred. And it took him away in dec 2014. My handsome , strong friend reduced to vegetative state. Didn't know life could deliver such pain. And since then, it's been one long painful journey. I didn't know what was loneliness till the time he was there. And ever since, I have known the deepest and darkest face of it. True, it's been more than 2 years. But I have not healed. I have not made any new friends, no relationships. I am looking for him. We were together every waking moment and now he is not there. No words can describe the void. Every thing seems lifeless. Nothing excites me anymore. Wish I knew what to do !!! Wish I knew how to make the most of this life that he so wanted to live. He didn't want to die. Wish I knew how to LIVE.
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