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  2. Nicole, There are many of us on this site daily, it has become our life line in this oftentimes, indifferent world. We will be here for you and for each other. Grieving is so very exhausting, unending. Take care of yourself the best you can. (HUGS)
  3. I can't even count how many times I have promised to do better, to be a better person, to take better care of Lily, to do this or do that, just to have her back. If that were possible, it would be the happiest day in my life. But I always remember that we all have to go one day, so why ask for her back if I know one day I will have to say goodbye to her again. Why put myself and her through that again? Or even worse, what if I went before her? Why would I put her through that pain? No, as much as I want her back and would not turn away such a gift if it were to happen, I know it cannot and will not happen. I really do believe she's in a better place and she always meant more to me than myself so I do not want to take her away from such happiness and peace. As happy as we were together, I know it is nothing compared to the happiness she now feels. I have read that people who experienced NDEs come back feeling such sadness and longing for the eternal life they briefly experienced with all its peace and love. I would not want to take that from Lily. She was a wonderful person who always shared joy and love with everyone she met, she truly knew no stranger, and she is where she will receive that in return. She deserves it after going through what she did on earth. If it means I have to be lonely, sad and experience the pain of living without her, then so be it.
  4. M88, Francine, I have no words that can express my feelings at this moment from reading your posts here. All of us on this forum, women and men, have undoubtedly been so very fortunate, blessed, to have found our soulmates in this life. Our love is great and it will always be great. That bond of great love will sustain us until we are reunited in eternity.
  5. M88, Five years or fifty, this IS how we feel! Whatever time we got, it was not enough, it never could be. Thank you for sharing that, I saved the picture of the card, I've seen that before, it's so perfect, it was penned just for us left feeling this way on their birthdays. Francine, I've thought about that too...how I didn't get to spend the rest of my life with him, but he did get to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel honored, I treasure that, I just wish it could have been way longer and we could have gone together.
  6. wheatgeneration, Thank you for sharing your story, it helps that we are, none of us, totally alone in what we are feeling. I am sorry for your loss, this is a journey we all wish we didn't have to make, but here we are.
  7. You said it. It was good to express how you're feeling inside. Please try to accept that he hears and accepts your apology. It's good to put it into words. Oh how I wish you could know he not only forgives you, but doesn't even think you need forgiving!
  8. If you're struggling against suicidal thoughts, know that is common in early grief...also accept you might need some help. Call a suicide hotline, talk to a grief counselor, but I hope you don't feel you have to do this all alone. Try not to worry about the "signs", not everyone is open to them, it's not something everyone experiences, part of it is received on faith/hope. DO BELIEVE that your love continues still. When I was early in my grief I couldn't understand why other people got dreams of their spouse and I didn't. We were always together when we weren't working, we were so close, loved so deeply, we were soulmates, how come he wasn't in my dreams? It took a year or two before I got one and in it, it was like it was an ordinary day, and I remember getting mad at him and demanding to know where had he been! I woke up, upset with myself, that I messed up a visitation from him by being mad at him. That wasn't even like us! I didn't "get mad at him" before, why would I now? Dreams can be messed up. Try not to put too much stock by signs, dreams, whether you get them, whether you don't, how often. Bank on this: yours and his love remains.
  9. But that's part of the problem. People don't really want to know and I am not going to open myself up to a brick wall. When I have tried to express my feelings, I can read their facial response and they don't want to know. They ask to be nice, that's it. Not to mention, it only opens the door for empty platitudes. I am over them and if saying fine just gets it over with and everyone moves on from the conversation that they really don't want details anyway, then so be it. My thing is why bother asking when you really don't want to know or when the only answer you want is not what I can give. It's easier for someone who lost a spouse that the outside world recognized as your spouse to share how they are doing or feeling. It's hard for me to say much or how much I hurt when people think I only lost my friend. I can see the looks on their faces and I don't need to hear 'oh, you'll make more friends.' And no, I can't tell anyone, nor do I wish to. Believe me, it's a lot easier said than done and I do not want to go down that road. So, I just try to keep to myself as much as possible.
  10. Then accept that, "maybe someday". Right now perhaps it is too soon for you to find it. Continue to express yourself, I found that helps. I can't tell you how long it took me to find purpose...years. It takes what it takes, everyone's timeline is different. If your grandbaby brings you a smile, then that is joy for that moment, no matter how fleeting. It may not be enough, but perhaps it's a start to build from. Like Francine said, let your tears flow, we need that release.
  11. What more can I add than what Ka9219 has already said...I am just so sorry, it is horrible, it's a nightmare, I know. There are no answers that I know of as to why we lose them, I find no purpose in the loss, only pain. I want to acknowledge your pain, your incredible loss, it matters, each and everything you feel matters. I hope you will continue to come here, we are all going through this together.
  12. Today
  13. Interesting that AARP quotes "Grief is not forever"...grief experts say otherwise. HOWEVER, it does not stay the same. So I guess it depends on what they define as grief. I prefer the term ACUTE GRIEF is not forever. I wouldn't want anyone thinking they are abnormal because they are still grieving years later, they are not. Again I am posting this to another site to solicit response from a bonafide grief counselor, one professionally trained in grief, not just a psychologist. I disagree that grief is not forever. I disagree that loss is harder for men. It's not good to compare, men may grief differently than women, but there's nothing about grief that is "lesser" for women. I would never tell someone "you may not need counseling". How do you know what they need? You might, by so doing, keep them from something that might very much benefit them. Many find counseling helpful at the onset, you don't have to grieve a long time before benefiting from it. From what I've seen you post from AARP, I'd be careful considering them experts. JMHO You can check here for responses when they come: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/10595-response-solicited/&tab=comments#comment-132736
  14. You are at one month, which although it seems like a lifetime, it has actually been a very short time...too short for most of us to find any sense of peace, answers, hell, even to know how to make it through the day. Right now it is enough just to express yourself and get through the day. Those are huge achievements.
  15. Thank you, Francine.
  16. We know how much emotional energy it takes, don't feel you have to respond to each of us, we just want to be here for you, we know the pain all too well. (((hugs)))
  17. Then don't say "fine". TELL them how you really feel. We don't have to be belligerent and say "How the hell do you THINK I feel!" but neither do we have to lie & pretend with them, "Fine." Somewhere in between. Maybe "It's a very hard adjustment, I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances." "Fine" should be reserved for at work where we have to put on a nice face to keep our jobs.
  18. Your post literally brought me to tears. I know only too well the love you shared with your man, for I shared a similar love with my Charles. Blessed with 45 year with the man of my dreams - I am so grateful. Yes, I love my husband and still do and I depended on him; and him, me. We supported one another and that's how it was supposed to work, and it did. It wasn't always perfect, no fairytale or storybook and wasn't always easy; it was work but most of all, it was realizing that every hour, every minute and every second was worth it, because we did it together. This generation is becoming too busy trying to prove that a woman can do it all by herself and doesn't need a man to complete her and that women are losing their uniqueness. Guess I'm from a different age, where both women and men needed one another. Women were not created to do everything a man can do or should we want to. We were created to do everything he can't do like being the soulmate God had intended us to be. One of my biggest accomplishments and greatest joys on this earth was being my Charles' wife and mother of our children. In our wedding vows, we promise to love one another and on our wedding night, I envisioned spending the rest of my life with the man I truly loved; now I realized, he spent the rest of his life with me. I smile because I know he loved me till the day he went away and will keep loving me until the day we are together again. We often talked about the love we had for one another and he would jokingly say I was the luckiest women in the world to land him - and of course I'd say just the opposite. That man was my heart - and now it feels like its gone; and in a way, it is. Like you, I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future - God - the same person who gave me my Charles; and as hard as it is go one alone, I know my Charles would want me to continue - and continue, I will. Just not the same - differently.
  19. Yesterday was my beloved late hubby's Birthday - he would have been 69. If he was still living, we'd have had fun the last couple of weeks researching where we'd go for a few days away, where we'd stay, what we wanted to see and do etc. In our later years together, instead of buying each other birthday and Christmas gifts, we much preferred to spend money on renting a holiday cottage or a cabin at a camp ground, and have wee adventures. Instead yesterday I spent time at his grave and on our beach, without him. Yesterday was tough, but it 'was easier' than last year. As I sat at his grave I recalled some of the lovely comments his oldest friends spoke of in their eulogy at his funeral service and messages in sympathy cards. I hadn't known that he'd talked about his feelings and our relationship with them whilst on car or work related trips. This is not the usual psyche of a Kiwi man - let alone an Englishman! (He came to NZ with his folks as a 17 year old). It was very touching to hear from his oldest friends ( all 3 Englishmen! ) how contented he felt, how much he loved me, our way of life, valued the stability of our relationship, and admired my determination to lead as productive a life as possible, despite physical limitations. Each night, or if he was going some distance without me during the day, he'd tell me he loved me and each birthday and Valentines, he'd write the same message in the cards he gave me - I treasure each of them As was usual, his last words to me before he drove off that fateful day, were, I love you. I so miss the kind, lovely man who loved me to bits for 22 years - his sense of humour and easy company - our fun times - we were good together - made a great team. I miss loving him - miss everything about him. We were so trusting of each other that we grew to know each other as well as we knew ourselves. His love gave me the courage to stop carrying other peoples shame - hand it back to whom it belonged, and become the person I am today. I will love, honour and miss him dearly forever and I'm so thankful that he chose to spend the rest of his life with me. Naturally, with a blended family situation we encountered problems, but together we worked through them and went on to experience the true happiness that had eluded us in our earlier marriages. I know he is with me in spirit for as long as I need him to be. And I know whatever my future holds, I will be OK. I found this poem (author unknown) on-line which touched my heart. Sending strength and hugs to you all.
  20. You are in so much pain. I have been reading this forum here and there for the last three months but never felt like writing anything until now. I lost my wife of nearly 26 years in April. It was more or less sudden or should I say I expected her to survive the heart surgery she had. Every day, whether I want to or not, all of the events of the last six months of her life roll around in my mind and I wish on my life that I could have another go at it. Make different choices. Maybe she would have survived if we had done this or done that. They were tough decisions to make. Having the surgery. And I helped her make them and maybe they were the wrong ones. I mean, it didn't work. She's dead. So I have felt this guilt you are feeling to one degree or another for nearly three months now. This Friday will be three months. The first week after she died I seriously felt like it was my fault. Why hadn't I done more? Why hadn't I been a better husband to her those last months of her life? I have also experienced various forms of other people's judgement and well meant but useless advice. Clichés and platitudes that only make me feel worse. And then those that suddenly avoid the heck out of me because they cannot imagine dealing with something like this. But you know what? That first day when I lost her five people came to my house. From the East coast and LA and Tacoma they rushed here to Northern California to be with me. And others kept me on the phone until they got here that night. And over the following month, my friends conspired to have someone here, each for a week. Just to help prop me up. And I also have my sons, 13 and 15. They have been wonderful even though they are hurting. And I also know that while I will never get over losing her, I can make a life. I can move on. Everyone likes to say well you have to, you have kids. Yes, but I have to because of me too. I deserve to have a life as long as I can. And that is what she and your husband would want. They want us to live on. Sorry to pour out my own problems in your thread but I think I am trying to say that I understand and I shed a tear or two for you tonight and I hope that you know that you are not alone and that your life with him was still worth it even though we are paying such a high price for that life and that love now. I found an old voice recorder tonight that she bought in 1988 and used back then for work she did. Dictating. And I put some batteries in it and it worked and there she was. Her voice. At first I thought it would hurt like hell but it didn't. It was comforting to hear her voice again. I ended up feeling sad of course but I do have hope that I am headed in a direction and I hope the same for you and that you find joy again somehow, someday.
  21. In 2 days and it will be 6 months, 26 weeks this coming Saturday.... Life is unfair. Wish you were here my Son, I gladly take your place... I LOVE You!
  22. Today -26th- is the second month since Mario passed away I am sorry for the long post but I need to be listened I couldn't feel worst. I am struggling every single second of my day, life is not getting easier, people already started to vanish, "friends" who said they will be there for me didn't answer anymore or just avoid talking to me, I understand that Mario's family are trying to keep going or taking their grieve into a deepest part of their lives, so is harder to my talk about Mario when I've needed. Here in my house, my parents are starting to get worried about my situation, my mum is always angry with me and since a few days she face me up and start telling me that I have to move on, that Mario is died and I have to move on because it happens, and I know Mario is dead, I was in the hospital when the doctors said he had brain death, I sat down for hours next to his coffin, I saw the car who took him to the crematory, and I touched his ashes and put him to rest into the sea, I KNOW Mario is dead, I know and I don't need that my mum says that to me like if I forget it.. My dad is telling me that I have to start "doing" things, but I don't feel strong enough, I may stand maybe one or two ours away from home but sometimes I need to lock the door and cry, I don't feel ready. In other hand, I am struggling against suicidal thoughts, everyday they grow stronger, and I am feeling desperate because I have nothing to hold on to... I try to remember the good times, reach some good memories with Mario but it only makes the "wound bleeds" and I feel worst. Few weeks ago I was filled with anger, I was moody all day but now I feel empty, my mind tries to avoid any kind of memory and most of the time I found myself thinking about nothing, or just doing random stuff but not feeling. At the beginning, I allowed myself to cry all I needed -3, 4, 5 hours if I needed to- now as soon as I start crying I pick up the phone and get into facebook or Instragram, like a "reflex" it's like I am not letting me feel nothing because the pain is to hard to carry with. And everything in my life reflects I am a mess, before Mario passed away I had to have everything "in order", I needed to be in control of my life, now I just don't care, my room is a mess, is dirty there is cloth and stuff all over the place and the floor, I am sleeping until 2 o 3pm, I eat if I feel hungry but I can spent and entire day just with some fruit and maybe a bar of chocolate, and I don't care. At this point I feel I am dead, because I don't care about nothing, I don't care if a live or die, I don't care about my future, I don't care about working or doing "something" with my life. And all this thoughts end up into one single option: killing myself, I don't want be miserable my entire life or what is left of it, I don't want my parents have to take care all their life of a super depressive daughter, I don't want to be a burden for anyone, not even myself, and I have found zero things to motivate me to keep going... Another thing that is driving me crazy is that I haven't had not a single "sign" from Mario, and I know this is silly, but I was an spiritual person, even if I always questioned about the existence of "god" I knew there was something bigger "out there" "up there", I meditated, I tried to do good things, and see the good in everything and everyone, I experienced some unexplained things -good ones- and I know we are not just blood and flesh, I believe in souls, and I believe in the power we have. And I've see that most people when lose someone have "signals" and I have none, it feels like Mario walked away from me, far far away, I feel forsaken by him and this is killing me. I've tried and I prayed every night, I don't know who I'm praying, but it is not listening, and I speak with Mario and told him that I love him more than ever, but all I feel is a hole growing bigger in my chest. Every night that goes by is making things harder... I am sorry if my grammar is a mess, English is my second language =(
  23. Prayers are definitely welcome. I don't like life without him, I feel like I literally have no purpose. Of course everyone names all the great things like my sweet grandbaby, my two daughters....but I can't figure out how to find joy. Maybe someday. It does help to come here and feel less alone in this horror.
  24. Hello Sheree72, I'm terrible sorry about your loss, I can't imagine the pain and the struggle you are going through right now, the shock of the first days after the loss, is the worst feeling ever, I still remember the days in the hospital and the day Mario passed away, my mind tried to erase the memories, but my heart remembers well all the agony, the pain stroke me right in the middle of my heart, my mind stopped functioning because all I could felt was pain, agony and sadness, maybe you are going to the same and I know how terrifying is going through all this horrible feelings, hopelessness and helplessness are the main states of mind. I understand how hope and faith turns into a raging fire when our love one is a hospital, even when the doctors said Mario had brain death, that I had to say goodbye, I went into the room and I begged god to wake him up, and I told Mario that he promised me that we will never ever leave me alone, he told me that he will say "I love you" every single day, and here I am, I haven't heard "I love you" since 2 months ago. I know you have faith and was the biggest faith you ever had before. As you, I thought the only thing Mario needed was no know that I was there for him, he was sedated but I talked to him and told him he will be ok, I told him the doctors were taking care of him and he was strong and healthy, he just had to fight back a bit to come back with me, but he never woke up. You came to the right place, this forum is filled with beautiful people, people who will support you and will tell you that the pain wont vanish, but someday will learn to handle it, that is ok to cry, to scream, to sorrow... losing someone you love is not easy, grieving someone you love is a process that will have to embrace, because the bigger the love the hardest the grieve. Life is not fair, and I am really sorry about your loss.
  25. NDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING ABOUT HOW I NEED TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP CAUSE I KNOW DON WOULDNT WANT ME TO BUT I JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT HOW WHEN I WAS SICK OR HURTING HE WAS ALWAYS THERE HE WOULD TAKE OFF WORK JUST TO BE WITH ME OR CALL TO MAKE SURE I WAS OK HE DIDNT LEAVE MY SIDE WHEN I HAD TO HAVE SURGERY LAST YEAR EXCEPT TO GO GET MY MOM TO BRING HER UP TO THE HOSPITAL HE MADE SURE I WAS TAKING CARE OF NO MATTER IF HE WAS LATE TO WORK OR HAD TO TAKE A DAY OFF EVEN KNOW WE COULDNT AFFORD IT. DON ALWAYS PUT ME FIRST NO MATTER HOW BAD HE WAS HURTING HE WAS ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF ME HE WOULD NEVER LET ME KNOW HOW BAD HE REALLY WAS HURTING UNTIL THAT ONE DAY I SEEN HIM CRYING BUT HE STILL INSISTED HE WAS OK AND WANTED ME TO TAKE MY MEDICINE AND JUST RELAX NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM. YES DON WOULD WALK ON HOT COALS TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND I FEEL LIKE WHEN HE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM I DIDNT DO WHAT I SHOULD OF I SHOULD OF INSISTED HE GO TO THE ER BUT HE WOULD OF FAUGHT ME BUT I STILL SHOULD OF STOOD UP ND SAID I DONT CARE I KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO GO BUT YOU ARE GOING ANYWAY. BUT I WAS WEAK AND I DIDNT FIGHT HIM TO GO I BELIEVED HE WOULD BE OKCAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE SAID AND HE NEVER LIED TO ME SO WHY WOULD HE LIED THAT NIGHT? YEP I BLAME MYSELF FOR OT DOING MORE FOR DON SPECIALLY WHEN I WAS SUSPOSE TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND SOME FRIEND I TURNED OUT TO BE TO DON. DON PLEASE ACEPT MY APOLOGY I AM SO SORRY I DIDNT DO MORE 4 YOU THAT NIGHT I KNOW I SHOULD OF FORCED YOU TO GO TO THE ER BUT YOU ALWAYS SAID PLEASE DONT ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT GOING TO THE ER. AND I DIDNT I FEEL LIKE I LET YOU DOWNAND I AM SO SORRRY DON.
  26. 4 days ago, I lost my Jeff. He was 49. I had been reading posts for 2 days on this site and felt this is where I needed to share my pain. Jeff and I were living together and had been together for 7 years. He was an outstanding provider not only to me but to my children as well. 5 days ago, I received a call from his sister that he was in the hospital and suffered a seizure which led to a massive stroke. Being a person who prayed just about every night for God to protect my children, Jeff, my parents and my family, I had hope that he would be okay. About 2 minutes later, I got a call from his daughter who was so distraught, I could barely make out what she was saying but I knew it was bad. I then called his youngest daughter only to find out that his stroke was so bad, he wasn't going to make it. Not my Jeff (which is what I told myself). My Jeff would never, ever leave me. He worshiped the ground I walk on. He constantly bragged to anyone who would listen about how much he loved me. He was not afraid to let anyone know how much he loved me. He was my protector, he was so caring, affectionate, a great provider, and made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. After receiving that call, I rushed to the hospital. All I kept thinking was that my Sweetheart was going to be okay once he knew I was there. Seeing him, I knew it was grim but believing in a higher power, I held onto my faith, expecting a miracle. Through my flood of tears, I rubbed his head and chest and told him I was there (thinking I was all he needed). I told him to fight and that we were suppose to grow old together. I reminded him of all of our plans together. The doctor then said that he only had hours to live. I refused to accept that. I had hope. I knew miracles happen everyday and I was not going to give up hope. Doctors said that even if he somehow pulled through, he was already permanently damaged on the right side, would never walk or talk again. I didn't care. I would rather have some of him than have none. I was willing to be a full time care giver to him (still believing in miracles). I cried myself to sleep, only to wake up to a phone call early in the morning. I didn't answer. I already knew. Then came a text. Didn't look at it. Then his daughter was calling. I knew I had to face the truth. And there it was. He was gone. My world came crumbling down. All I can do is barely function. I lie in bed in a daze for hours on end wondering why God would bring me such a wonderful man, only to snatch him away from me. He was the man I was going to marry. We had been through everything together and we weathered every single storm and it was like we both knew we had found our soulmate. This is not fair. I can't eat, I can't even think about enjoying anything, and I just want him back. He didn't deserve this and I try to hold onto the fact that when it's my time to leave this earth, he will waiting with open arms. I love him so much.
  27. 5 Surprising Truths About Grief From the AARP website (quotation follows): Losing a husband or wife is a devastating experience that many of us will have to face. About 40 percent of women and 13 percent of men who are 65 and older are widowed, according to latest census figures. Until recently, very little sound research existed about how we live on after a loved one has died. But in the past decade, social scientists with unprecedented access to large groups of widows and widowers have uncovered five surprising truths about losing a spouse. We oscillate. For years, we’ve been told that grief comes in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. If we were to diagram those stages, the emotional trajectory would look something like a large capital W, with two major low points signifying anger or depression, and the top of the last upward leg of the W signifying acceptance. But when psychologist Toni Bisconti of the University of Akron asked recent widows to fill out daily questionnaires for three months, vast fluctuations occurred from one day to the next. A widow might feel anxious and blue one day, only to feel lighthearted and cheerful the next. In other words, we don’t grieve in stages at all, but oscillate rapidly. Over time, those swings diminish in both frequency and intensity until we reach a level of emotional adjustment. Grief is not forever. One of the most important new findings has shown that for most of us, grief is a severe — but self-limiting — condition, not a permanent state. In one study of older men and women who had lost spouses, George A. Bonanno, a clinical psychologist at Teachers College, Columbia University, found that the core symptoms of grief — anxiety, depression, shock, intrusive thoughts — had lifted by six months after the loss for 50 percent of the participants. Smaller groups took up to 18 months or three years to resume normal functioning. Loss is forever, but thankfully, acute grief is not. Loss is harder for men. For years, clinicians have been operating under the assumption that women grieve harder and longer than men. In 2001, psychologists Wolfgang and Margaret Stroebe (a husband-and-wife team) decided to examine all the existing research and came to the surprising conclusion that, after taking into account the higher rate of depression in the overall female population, men actually suffer more from being bereaved. We might be under the impression that widows despair more, but that’s because there are many more widows to observe. You don’t necessarily need counseling. Often, well-meaning friends and relatives will urge you to attend a support group, or go to see a grief counselor. Although taking such steps might make you feel better, it’s certainly not a requirement for healing. According to a 2008 survey, most grief seems to go away on its own. Counseling can be helpful, however, for people whose grief has already lasted a long time and who are likely suffering from a condition called "complicated grief." Humor can heal. In 2008, psychologist Dale Lund of California State University surveyed 292 recently bereaved men and women 50 and older, and he found that 75 percent reported finding humor and laughter in their daily lives, and at levels much higher than they had expected. Other research has shown that being able to draw on happy memories of the deceased helps you heal — those who are able to smile when describing their relationship to their husband or wife six months after the loss were happier and healthier 14 months out than those who could only speak of the deceased with sadness, fear and anger. As hard as it might be, try to focus on good memories and feelings about your relationship, as it is the positive emotions that can protect your psyche and help you find serenity. http://www.aarp.org/relationships/grief-loss/info-03-2011/truth-about-grief.html
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