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  2. It's is coming up to the three month mark since my Dad's death, and although it is still early days, I'm no closer to comprehending that whatever remains of my Dad is literally buried under several feet of soil. Similarly, at his funeral, I couldn't comprehend that in that dark, tiny space inside the wooden coffin was my Dad, so still and silent. As bizarre as it sounds, I couldn't help but think he'd be feeling claustraphobic and lonely in there. I sometimes have the same thought when I think about him buried under six feet of soil in the cemetery. The past few months have been surreal. Almost as though it's someone else's Dad who has died and I'm watching from a far. The first month I was in such shock that I barely cried, not even at the funeral. At times I find it easy to put his death to the back of my mind as though it hasn't happened at all. I think this is part of still not being able to comprehend that he's gone forever and will never meet my future husband or his future grandkids. I truly wonder how we are expected to live the rest of our lives without the most important person being there. It's a hugely overwhelming thought that I can only hope becomes easier to accept in time.
  3. Today
  4. I'm so sorry to hear that, & i can see your feeling bro, let it be, i'm show my proud of him by t-shirt daddy'little monster, & wear it every father day
  5. Thank you for your responses. I'm sure you are both right, the feelings of extreme loneliness are to be expected. No amount of being there for my Mum and time spent with her will be able to make her feel any less lonely at this stage. The one person she would have leant on the most during the worst time of her life is the one person who is not there. I believe in time that the feelings of loneliness will fade, but that will be a long way off. Thank you again.
  6. I'm asking for advice from others out there. There's always two perspectives in matters that are between a husband and wife. In the hopes of providing a balanced view (at least that is the intent), I am presenting perspectives of both myself and my wife (to the best of my ability). Wife... My husband and I are very different. On the MBTI scale, he is an ENFP that values relationships above all else and I am an ISTJ who is more practical in my approach to life. My husband is often praised by others for his kindness and consideration; people tell me how lucky and happy I must be, which frustrates me. A wife needs to feel special, but when your husband is too kind to others and fights with you about the wellbeing of others, it makes me feel second; not second to none. Though he says he puts me first before all else, I see otherwise and this has always driven a wedge in our marriage. At first it was about his strong bond with his parents, which made me feel like second string. His parents are not bad people, but he being an only child, and they being 5,000 miles apart, they wanted to see each other as often as twice a year as if nothing changes when one gets married. I needed space and demanded it. He and his parents relented in a way and afforded the space needed. Then it became about his friends, neighbors, my colleagues, and even my own family at times. I felt judged for being who I am and treating others the way I did, because I was different in the way he thought I should treat them. We fought and argued about things that should not have probably become an argument and in that, I felt pushed aside and judged by his righteousness. And often about situations that practically warranted my response, not his idealistic suggestions. This brings us to today. His father has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with metastasis of his sarcoma. He's physically fine now without showing any outwardly symptoms since the initial surgery of his original cancer site 6 months ago. My husband traveled to be with his dad during that initial surgery, then a surprise 70th birthday party with our 10 yr old son (3 months after that surgery), and his parents visited us for a week after his dad finished radiation. And now that my father-in-law has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer due to his cancer having spread, I've given permission to my husband to travel back to be with his dad for 10 days. I asked my husband to use this time to disabuse himself of guilt for not being there for his parents. And for him to face reality that it's too much to travel every three months to be with his parents five thousand miles away. I work and he does, too. We have a joint account and separate accounts. He is using his own money to travel, but this isn't realistic and it could negatively impact us later down the road both financially and otherwise should he keep using his savings. The unknown of what might happen, including how excessive my husband may become as his father's situation deteriorates further and what he might ask of me when his mother is left alone concern me. I won't be able to deal with him asking if she should live with us even if it isn't permanent. I need my space. He's upset that I am asking him to have more level headedness, to work out his guilt during his stay and stop thinking he can afford to be there or have them be with us at every turn during the course of this disease, which no one knows how long it will last. Having him gone for 10 days is tough. My work is tiring and I have to look after the needs of our son while he's absent. He should understand how difficult this is for me and should appreciate what I am doing for him. My own father passed when I was in my teens and I know how difficult a time this is. But life must go on and he cannot shriek his responsibilities; and forget he is primarily a husband and father of his own family. I am a person who needs planning; who needs to understand what is expected of me and how often. Right now he's demanding for me to understand him and support him, but what's his limit? What is too much for him? Am I being unreasonable? Should I be subject to his being upset? Am I wrong to feel unappreciated for what I have done to support him by way of letting him travel to his parents so often and having them here with us in the past 6 months? What do you all think? Husband... Some of the background information shared from my wife's perspective needs no repeating. My wife and I are different in many ways, which attracted us to each other, complementing our strengths. We've been married for over 10 years and such differences have sometimes turned out to be a point of contention. We've both come a long way in understanding each other's perspective and knowing what buttons not to push. And in some ways we've grown more similar to each other during those 10 years. Though far less, we still argue, especially about expectations of how we should interact with others and how we should support each other. I sometimes find my wife in battles with our neighbor, her family, her colleagues or friends. The origins of conflict are seldom singly attributed to her, but the recalcitrance with which she ends those arguments sometimes leads to unhinged altercations and severed ties. While I try my best to recognize her point of view and champion her cause (though I'm perceived by her as being judgmental or righteous), we differ in how we should behave in such circumstances and how grace and mercy exhibited can transform relationships. Juxtaposed with this difference, my wife's desire and need for time alone, magnifies itself in many walks in our marriage life. For instance, it requires me to be the go-between and caregiver for my mother-in-law in times of need; it makes it seldom possible to invite others including family or closest friends into our home as guests even for short meals; it presents situations where new friends and their families never having met my wife after months of getting to know me and my son; people at church asking the whereabouts of my wife at outings; repeated weekends alone with my son while wife is resting at home or shopping; my making excuses to my wife's friends of why their calls go unanswered; negotiation after negotiation of prescriptive details about when and how my parents or others can visit/engage with us. In short, it requires me to bend, change and mold to fit her way of life. Yes, marriage is about compromises, but it also needs to be about accepting each other for who they are, understanding best intentions, recognizing efforts and demonstrating grace, support and love. Prior to this trip to engage in the difficult discussion with my parents about end-of-life directives and care, I spent two weeks off work during the holidays to play with our son daily and to take the three of us on a ski trip over Christmas. Each day during that trip, my wife shopped and relaxed while my son and I skied -- all an effort to make her feel appreciated and rested. When we were not on the slopes during the holidays, I cooked almost every day, did the laundry and took care of our son. All of this is nothing to boast of and something to be expected of a husband. And I choose to do this and enjoy being of service to my family. However, knowing my dedication to our family, support during the 10 days with my parents to sort through their affairs as my father seeks treatment options for his stage 4 cancer is something I hoped to receive from my wife. While I was away, I called to check in on my wife and son, but each conversation was about how I should disabuse of my burden during this trip, how difficult it is for my wife to take care of our son alone during my absence, how I'm expecting too much from her, and how I'm excessive in my care for my parents, and how I should not expect to return to be with my parents anytime soon after this visit. Notwithstanding the effort made to see her perspective, I can't shake the idea of how one should be while one's spouse's parent is mortally ill. And how selfish it is to demand that I seek her perspective than focus on my difficult time with my parents. And how her words if she desired could provide such support and uplift my spirits in this time of need. I see other couples and the unequivocal support they show each other, and wonder what to do as I'm faced with a significantly different reaction. Yes, marriage takes effort, empathy and sacrifice, but there are times when one's principles are challenged and you wonder if the path together is possible or worthwhile. I can deal with being thought of as a single father due to partaking in most activities with my son alone; letting go of my desire of hosting friends and family; or often being the one to forgive and apologize first. However, when is it enough and when must one expect the wedding vows to be honored? Not yet throwing in the towel, but afraid of losing myself and being hypocritical to what I believe is the way to live in the world. What do you all think?
  7. Athina, I am very sorry you are having such a difficult time. A cruise gives you a lot of time to think and that in itself is healing but also very painfui. It is a very deep wound which everyone here has suffered. You have to feel the emotions in order to get through them, even though it hurts like hell. What you resist persists. Just as a mother has to suffer to bring a new life into the world, we have to suffer to begin this new version of life we have before us. I understand how the sadness makes you feel closer to your mom. We want to participate in their suffering and loss of the world, and of us as well, but for all we know they could be far happier than we ever imagined. As an agnostic, I don't know what to believe, but I still pray and it seems to help me feel better. I was taught that prayers for the dead can help them to be happy. It can't hurt. God knows I tried to make my dad happy, but once he could no longer do all the things he could do before, naturally, he couldn't be as happy as he was before. It's so hard to see our loved ones suffer, and now I feel sorry for myself, because I don't have my dear father with me. He made my life worth living. You had every right to expect your mother to live longer. Her passing was a horrible shock, because she was still fully engaged with living in this world. Life is so unfair, but sometimes terrible things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. Your youth makes this more possible than for someone like me who is older. We are entitled to feel hopeless, but these feelings will lessen over time. Two years later, I now have hope for the future, but it still kills me that my dad won't be able to share my future happiness, if it ever arrives. I have also made some unreasonable decisions. I have spent too much money, comfort shopping online, and ordering in food or going to restaurants, trying to make up for my empty, loveless existence. During the first six months, I could hardly eat and lost forty pounds. Even shopping online gave me no pleasure, but these enjoyments gradually returned. I gained the weight back. I want to lose weight again, but Ernesto is such a good cook, it's harder than ever to diet. Now I have to try to sell more of my things to help pay for the storage fees which will double next month when the introductory rate ends. I'm going to donate a lot of clothes and shoes, too, so hopefully some good will come of the money wasted. Your mom worked so hard for her money, not just for herself, but for her loved ones, too. She would want you to spend it, but try not to waste it. I put the tiny pension my dad left me in a special account that I try not to touch. It's for property taxes. I read that guilt is one of the most powerful of all emotions. It is constructive when it helps us to improve our behavior but destructive when it's about things that can't be changed or made right again. We can feel guilty about things we don't even remember doing, because our mind has suppressed or repressed the memories. The two sides of guilt are disapproval of self and fear of consequences. The latter can account for some of the anxiety many of us feel after the death of a loved one. Disapproval of self generates the feeling that we don't deserve to be happy. We have to convince ourselves that even though we have lost the dearest person(s) in the world, we still deserve to be happy. Their death was not a punishment for us or for them, it was the fulfillment of natural laws that can't be changed, except by a miracle. Reader, thank you again for your kind comments. I don't have much choice but to change my life. Even at my age, I could still live another thirty years. Both my mother and her mother lived to 89, even though they smoked and ate too many sweets. My father and his mother both lived to 86. My paternal grandfather died at 69 of cancer, but that could have been from exposure to asbestos as a boilermaker. I read in the following article that happiness isn’t a reward for being nice – it’s a birthright. Shoot, even some prisoners in jail are having more fun than we are, especially the ones with conjugal visits. I don't claim to have the answers, I'm just sharing things I read here and there, trying to make sense of my new reality. I have the comfort of knowing that my dad knew that I loved him, and thought he was wonderful, but he was such a humble man. He used to say that when he was a young man, the world was his oyster, but that was long ago. When I got my (modest) inheritance from my great uncle, I gave my dad some money so he could walk around with $10,000 in his pocket and feel like a big shot. I wanted so much for him to feel like he was on top of the world. We didn't even get to go to the Top of the Mark, but it's not my fault if he didn't want to go more places! I have to keep telling myself this until it sinks in. I'm glad he went to the Dickens Christmas Fair a couple of times. He loved the attention he got from the ladies. He looked so dapper in his Victorian suit and hat. One lady remarked, "My, aren't you beautiful!" He certainly was, inside and out.
  8. I find it just horrible how MANY people are in the same place. With the same disease. And the same fast loss. I HATE CANCER SO MUCH! It took both of my parents and now my husband. I'm glad to see that it can ease eventually. Thanks
  9. My dogs are bringing me GREAT joy even in the face of Losing Kevin. The dogs (three of them) are feeling a loss too, they loved Kev so much. We have this in common KMB.
  10. This, exactly. I've only been lurking and posting here for a couple of days...and you all REALLY get it. You have together already done so much for me. Knowing that there are so many others in exactly the same shape as me and many that were but are ahead a bit and doing okay - this gives me great hope and comfort. I desperately wish there was a way to KNOW that he is with me. I would feel so much better if I could know he was okay, that he is near. I haven't yet been as fortunate to have that "feeling" as some others that I've seen on here, but I can hope that he is okay. I love him so much and miss him terribly.
  11. It has been a long 4 + years since my beloved son has transitioned to his new home. I have found that still after all this time, not much makes sense to me in my life. I would say the raw terrible pain has faded...however, I still have not returned. A faded version of me exists and I have improved my skills at carefully hiding behind a mask -- very well crafted to hide the heart pain from the outside world. I now travel The Road Not Taken.
  12. Stonesie, your story is quite similar to mine - my darling husband had cancer, we thought we were on top of it, and then bam - mets in his brain and lungs took him. It's horrific and I certainly can relate to wanting to go with him. I didn't think I could possibly do any sort of a life without my Ken, and I still feel like it's being forced on me, but it is easing somewhat. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and three weeks, you poor little love - so very very raw. I'm glad you've found your way to this terrifically helpful forum, and you must feel free to post whenever you'd like. Take care, Louise
  13. KayC I believe you do and it is evident in your post. You have always been so encouraging and uplifting and I appreciate your words of support and comfort for everyone. God Bless you and this website.
  14. Tommy's mum, thanks for sharing your poetry on this thread. Sending you gentle thoughts and healing wishes.
  15. Oh Goodness, that Baby Veto and his sweet smile, looking more like Tay than ever, look at his left cheek, the smile line is so like his Mom's. Beautiful and home already, that Boy is ready. God Bless, many many goodnesses. Susan, I will try to attach the picture of the shirt. Kate, I am feeling much better than I was, the cough is less so now, and while my voice is hoarse in the evening, I have a steady voice in the daytime, which is great. Busy days at school and tomorrow marks the inauguration...I will not be watching, well I will be teaching, but I have no want to watch Trump take the job.
  16. Beautiful Girl Lauraliz, we wonder why such lovely ones get taken. You might be familiar with the song by the Band Perry, If I die Young...just don't understand. You are more than welcome to join us on the thread Loss of an Adult Child. There is a very interactive group there...we post as we can. If you just want to "hang out" there, and read along, or need to vent it is all okay. Hugs.
  17. Thank you all for your input. I do encourage him to talk about her, his feeling etc all the time. I've just been quiet about my own in my efforts to be supportive. KMB - they were together for 3 years living together for less than a year (he's still in "their place"), had talked about starting a family. As much as I know I should have that conversation, I'm scared. Emiliza- he has the most amazing heart. And I love the analogy of 2 children, he has 2 grown daughters
  18. I love her name. So pretty & Unique. You did great.
  19. I lost my husband to Acute Myeloid Leukemia on 10/20/2016. I hate cancer. My husband didn't want to go either. He just wasn't ready at all. He didn't see it coming neither. It just took him very swiftly. I'm so sorry. I know that feeling of wanting to go to. I really didn't know how else to feel. I didn't care who thought what but then I have our precious three year old little girl pleading with me not to leave her like other people in her life did. I always thought well, she has her grand parents and all these other relatives but then, I remembered how much of a pain they were in my marriage. She's the reason, I had to face reality. I also have other children. They're innocent and I wouldn't want them to deal with pain, the way that I had too. I keep myself busy with social media. I found a new project. My husband's car he always wanted to make modifications to, I'm going to finish for him. I trying to find child care for the little one so that I can return to school. Homework and research papers should keep me occupied. It still hurts. I still get waves of everything. It's never going to go away but reality does set in more & more each day as it passes by. And I know the greatest words of wisdom, I've read here was to take it day by day, literally. (Hugs Xoxo)
  20. Susan-both mom and son smiling on their way home. News cannot be any better.
  21. Its always the worst for me in the morning. It's like for a split second when I wake up I feel like me but then I remember and I feel empty inside. I don't feel like the same person I used to be at all, just a shadow of my formal self. I keep thinking about stuff I'm going to tell him when I get the chance. The thing is I did that when he was alive. If we went a while without talking I would have things I had been thinking about I wanted to say. I continue to do that only I will never get to say anything again. I used to be really active, a runner, worked out a lot, and now I struggle to eat food most days. I tried to make myself do some of those things but I just don't care and since I can barely eat I don't have the energy. I feel like it doesn't matter if I look pretty or not because he isn't here to see me.
  22. LEB80 Be careful and tread lightly. He needs to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of his thoughts and feelings and an essential part of his healing. Give him that time, be gentle and patient - you'll be glad you did. God has put you in his life for comfort; let him know you are genuinely concerned about his well being and will always be there whenever he needs you. Take it one day at a time; If the two of you are meant to be, it will happen. If things don't work out like you want, know that you were there for a friend in need. God Bless!
  23. I do this a lot. Just today I saw something a couple of months out on a calendar, and my first thought was "We're going to enjoy that." That thought was immediately replaced with the realization that she won't be there with me. It seems like each new day, the moment it dawns on me that she is gone, my heart doesn't recover. Sometimes it's the first thing that hits me when I wake up, sometimes it waits until I'm up and moving, but it never fails to cast its shadow over the rest of the day from that moment on. I know it's early still, but it seems to me like that will be the story of me for the rest of my life.
  24. This isn't something we can necessarily answer. I have known people to be married within 6 months or less of their spouse of decades dying and others who never remarry. Neither is wrong. Your boyfriend dating again after his girlfriend died might be "too soon" for him or it might be just fine. It does not change how he felt about her though. It might be a testimite of how much he loved her and being in a relationship that he has found it with you as well. I think you just need to communicate openly with him. And just because he loved her doesn't mean you are a "replacement". It means he likes to love. He has a big heart. Just as having more than one child does not diminish the love for the first child, a new love does not replace the one you lost or vice versa. Sorry, rambling a bit here.
  25. Yesterday
  26. My deepest condolences to you. Like previous person stated it's only natural and normal. We lost my mother exactly one month ago today. My father has me and my brother who visit him on almost a daily basis and I don't think any amount of company has helped him feel less lonely. It's a terrible loss for them. Keeping busy is what's helped my dad get a break from the grief. He stays active with projects around the house. But of course those quiet moments come at some point everyday and that's when those feelings creep up again. Which is normal. Can't stay busy 24/7. In which case, I tell my dad to give himself permission to have those moments. It's not healthy to avoid those feelings completely.
  27. LEB80, I have not been in your shoes so there is no experience for me to draw on for you. Do you know the history of this man's relationship with his prior girlfriend? How serious were they? Living together? How long were they together? Your guy is obviously grieving which takes time and hard work on his own behalf to process through. People do process grief in their own way and maybe he is ready to move into another relationship. For myself, I would really question if he is dating out of loneliness. If I were you, I would sit down with him and have an honest conversation about where his mind and heart is. If he feels truly ready to give all of himself to you 100%.
  28. Arlodissary, I am very sorry for your loss. Please find a support group because you should not have to go through this pain alone. I think its best you try to avoid drinking or using substances that will only temporarily numb the pain. As someone who lost his father to a gunshot wound through the head, I can relate to much of what you wrote. It's true, you're not the same person you were before you lost you dad. You never will be. But you are still here and still strong. Those who loved you before will still love you now if they really care about you. Do not say he died knowing you were a loser. He died know you were is daughter, still trying to make something of yourself. I'm sorry for your loss. The pain gets easier to bear with time.
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