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  2. Today would have been my son's 33rd birthday. It hurts as much today as it ever has. My son has been gone for 27 months and I just lost my 33 year old step daughter 3 months ago. I feel at a loss and will never be happy again. I have not been happy in a long time.
  3. Reading through the cards and letters just reminded me what a wonderful person she was and how important we were to each other. She was everything to me and now it's so hard to go on without her. I walk through the house and I think how can this be? How can you no longer be here? This was YOUR home. We made it our home together and now I'm supposed to go on living here without you? How can this be? How did this happen? It's not supposed to be like this! I'm not supposed to be here all alone, I'm missing my second half. It has been Lily and Lulu for so long. I thought of me as US. Always two. When I went shopping, it was always for two. Food, clothes, supplies, always for two. Now, it's only for one? It doesn't seem right. And no one understands that. Only my new friends on this forum get it, but no one else does! They don't even bring it up to me anymore and when I bring it up, it's like they think I shouldn't still be having such a hard time. Or, that I should be happy that she is with God. I am but it doesn't mean I'm happy she is not with me, that I'm alone, that I have to go on without her. It just doesn't make sense.
  4. Dear I_Miss_My-Ted, KayC is right: all that anger is part of the grieving. And I do understand that you are angry with a good reason. The bedside manners of this emergency vet seem below par. But that doesn't mean she was wrong. The best advice I can give you: contact your own vet and tell what has happened. Maybe a conversation can help you get a better understanding of what has happened. He/she has dealt with Ted before and might have good advice for you. You're not alone in this and I'm sure he/she has dealt with these matters before. But I have to warn you: there will always be some doubt. Don't make it harder on yourself by focusing on what could or should have been. It will not help you accept what is!
  5. Today
  6. I pray every day for God to guide my steps and lead me towards the path He has designed for me, but I don't know what that could be. Every day I thank Him for taking care of Lily, ending her pain, and welcoming her home. I thank him for bringing her into my life and giving us so many years together. I ask him to please help heal my heart and calm my soul, give me peace of mind, but I still feel such loneliness for her and miss her presence in my life. I know I will see her again one day, but that day seems so far away. I said to myself this morning, I don't know if I can make it. It just seems so lonely without her. Even if she was here but living elsewhere would be bearable because I could call her and hear her sweet voice or send a text to her. I send myself a text every now and then and pretend it's her. Is that crazy? It's the smallest things that I miss the most.
  7. Laurie....we had some computer fact our whole cable went down....but....thinking of doesn't matter if your child died in the womb...lived 2 hours...2 years...10 years...50 years...they are still your child. Loved the photos....and love seeing all the love is in place. Most of all...seeing you have so much support from your family that can circle you with care and compassion.
  8. jandjmom44 I am so sorry for you having to experience two child losses in such a recent amount of time,that must be especially hard. I am glad you are posting and sharing here it really helps to be in contact with other bereaved parents. Good advice from mikep it is important to allow yourself time to grieve and when you experience another family death it kind of brings back the original loss and it all seems magnified. Most parents post on the thread Loss of an adult child no matter how old their child was as it keeps us together in one place more and you get more rapid responses. please join us there, and you too mikep and we can all help each other. Support is vital in making your way through grief and all it brings.
  9. mikep what a lovely photo of your little Cameron he is precious. I guess you did some counselling which is great. Was there anything else that helped you to move forward? How do you deal with trigger days? It is great that you have joined us and can give a longterm perspective on grief, some days it seems I go backwards. How many other children do you have and are there any grandchildren in your life yet?? How did the siblings cope longterm with the loss of their brother? What helped them or were they too young to understand and remember? My 3 two girls and a boy are all adults and living in different cities.but I don't think they have processed their brother dying properly. Easier to pretend he is still in Hawaii and not think about it I guess. They talk about Tommy to each other sometimes but they don't often talk about him to me prob because they are afraid of upsetting me. I had a major mental breakdown after Tommy was killed and took a very long time to recover from that and re enter the world again, and I am still pretty fragile though have made some progress and beaten some of the anxiety and my agorophobia that I developed afterward.
  10. Your post truly touched my heart because it is exactly how I feel. Not a day goes by that I don't need him, want him, miss him. He was truly my soulmate and the most amazing man I'd ever met. He was and still is my life. What is helping me through this is knowing what we had is everlasting. To the living, my Charles might be gone and will never return, and yes, I feel as if I've been cheated. But in my heart and soul, I know he is at peace and has never really left me. He can't speak to me, but I know he listens, he can't be seen, but in my heart, I hear him. When I gaze at God's nature and its beauty or look at a flower and admire its simplicity, I remember my Charles, the times we loved, the children we made together, the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed. And if I'm always thinking of him, he is never gone, but with me always in my heart. You see, I'm truly grateful to my God for designing a man specifically for me, putting him in my life or 45 years and allowing us to experience a little heaven right here on earth. So I'm blessed to know what heaven has in stored for me when I finally get there - Charles is there awaiting my return and this time we won't ever have to worry about parting again because it will be for eternity - Won't that be Amazing and Awesome!
  11. It's trying to figure out how to cope with changes, those we can/must live with and those that we can't, that's sometimes difficult. Disentangling ourselves from this emotional mess is so hard to do. What's healthy, what's becoming detrimental? So tough.
  12. Thanks for the support, friends. I really appreciate it. It is not just the colouring he really resembles Tommy in so many ways. He has ADHD like my son and is always active and on the go and impulsive. Genetics are weird that way.It always makes me nostalgic when i see little kids playing reminding me of my own children at that age which is normal when mine are all adults, but seeing my nephew will be esp difficult as I see him running around and enjoying life as he should but me having a pain in my heart because I will never see Tommy running around carefree again. It is a huge physical in your face reminder that your child has gone and will never have children of their own, still breaks my heart from time to time. Crying as I type this. I will have to speak to my nephew and tell him I love him and am happy to see him but that he resembles his cousin so much it makes me cry sometimes he is 15 old enough to kind of get it. I will get through it and of course I will see my nephew's own personality and behaviours and likes and dislikes and hopefully it will ease my sorrow over time as I get used to him. Laurie glad the colonoscopy was clear, that must be a huge relief. Lovely photo too, the flowers are gorgeous.
  13. I really understand you. How could anything be better than not having your Lily or my Charles here with us? As I continue in my faith and belief in God, I'm leaning that my feeble mind can't conceive what God has in store for me, for all of us. Our minds are so small, a pin head, in our thinking compared to God's thinking. God will use our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling. I don't know why God saw fit to take your Lily and my Charles and sometimes it's not meant for us to know. We're only mere human beings with limited understanding but unlimited trust. We must trust God, because HIS grace is all we need to accomplish what HE has ordained for us to do. Nothing is too big for God? HE is able to do far more than we could ever imagine. HE isn't tied to worldly treasure or power; HE holds the Kingdom of Heaven! Pray and ask HIM what HE wants you to do and what you need to accomplish it. Trust, believe and love HIM; then sit back and watch in great expectancy what happens. Stay Strong and believe HIM, HE will bring you through; HE will bring all of us through.
  14. I read the following online and feel it is very appropriate to how I am feeling since losing my husband. With the death of my spouse, I grieve the loss of so much more than someone I merely love or was close to. I grieve instead the loss of: The one I loved most deepl, cherished and felt closest to. The one who emobodied my true sense of home. The one who was my best friend and who was to be my companion for life. The one I confided in, depended on, and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted me as I am. The one I felt safe and protected with. The one I shared private moments with. But it is not just this precious person that has been taken from my life. I also suffer the loss of who I was with him. The loss of a couple.The loss of the life we once lived, the plans we made, and the dreams we shared. Also the future that we had envisioned. I felt that this sums up exactly how I feel each and every day.
  15. The decision to euthanize him still seems like the wrong one. The emergency vet we had to deal with was so frustrating to talk to. She talked to us like we were children and wouldn't directly answer some questions. I don't know how to accept our decision and move on if there's any doubt about it being the right one.
  16. I lost my husband to cancer in February. I suffer panic attacks as well. I think it is fear of doing something without your spouse. My husband used to do just about everything for me, and we pretty much isolated ourselves from others. We have family and a couple of really good friends, but they do not understand now what I am going through. People will try to comfort you and give you advice. But the best thing I can say is take one day at a time, one hour at a time. All I did for a month was get up, feed my cat, cry and try to make it through. I am back to work now, and it is easier, but every time you have to talk about it, it aches inside. No one can tell you how to deal with your grief, and believe me, you will never get "over" it. Take your time, find things that bring you a bit of joy if you can. I watch tv as an escape. It helps for the moment. God Bless you Diane.
  17. You are right, we are grieving different losses even though the same person. My husband is the hardest loss I've ever endured, it affected me on every aspect of life, our day to day existence erupts in such a way as to feel it'll never be put back together again...I felt like Humpty Dumpty. And indeed, it never is put back together again, our whole existence, our purpose, our daily life, all of it has to be reinvented. Is it any wonder this grief is so exhausting!
  18. That is a for sure!
  19. Funny we should have this discussion...our sermon yesterday dealt with how Adam's sin affected us...everyone. No apologies necessary for stating how you see things, All of us have our views, our beliefs, based on our experiences and what we've been taught throughout our lives, there will be differing views represented here and that's okay, makes for us to be a unique bunch! Even with unique views about things, we all share some commonalities, enough we can relate.
  20. I had someone ask me on Friday why I don't consider finding another husband. I shared with her just a wee bit of what I'd been through. My answer, honestly, because there isn't another George.
  21. This is part of grief. It's hard to let go of the haunting of that last day, those last moments. It took me years to let go of it when I lost my husband. We wish for a different outcome but it's not ours to produce. This is part of the process of grief, part of the learning to accept that what is, is. Tough. It doesn't mean it's okay or that we like it, just that we finally acknowledge that it is. Trying to adjust to such loss is beyond hard, but it's something each of us face as none of us are immune to loss. Animals, especially, create such a bond with us...
  22. When we are pet people, there is a void in our hearts that only a pet can fill. Each new one comes and takes a part of our heart for its inhabitance.
  23. I am so sorry, Gem. lzegrim gave you a good response, I agree. It is so hard to lose any of our family members, and she was an integral part of your life, it's going to take much time to adjust to being without her and even then, you will continue to miss her.
  24. Hi, Matt here. Not too sure where to begin but I guess I'll start with why I'm here. A month ago, I discovered through a news story, from my hometown, that my younger brother had been found in a body of water. I'm still in complete shock because my family has received no answers and my time has been consumed with how his final hours were spent, I feel like I'm conducting an investigation, because in a very real way, I am. I live hours away from my family and I just honestly needed someone to talk with or to help me understand what has happened.
  25. Thank you for sharing your story somehow it helps to know I am not alone in my experience. I intend on taking the hospital to court to try to prevent anyone else having to share this horrible experience.
  26. I can't really talk about my mothers death right now, it's only been 4 weeks but I'm trying. This has helped me though. I thought it could help you too.
  27. Lulu it is so hard, because they loss a family member and I loss my boyfriend, there are different types of bonds, and we all grieve differently, and they grieve not talking about him, almost in silence and remaining strong. For me I need to cry and I need to talk about him, so even if I can share time with them it's being hard because we all carry a different kind of struggle, they keep up with their life, but my life is broken into a thousand of pieces because all my projects, and dreams in short-medium-large term were with him. But I understand the desire of talking about them and the amazing and marvelous things they do for us. That things you said about her, makes me feel so much love for her, as you describe her, she sounds like a wonderful woman, full of love. I know it is hard to believe but we all share your pain.
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