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No family now that mom died


lisas

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My mother died recently on January 19th.  It was always just me and my mom - dad not in the picture, no siblings.  I feel completely lost without her.  I feel hopeless and so alone.  I am married, but my husband and his family are not very supportive.  I have friends, but nobody really close, it's more that we get together every so often vs. them being in my life day to day.

 

The only person I really spoke with regularly was my mom.  Especially in this last year as she was bedridden and had to move into a nursing home.  I was her only outlet to the world - the only person coming to see her (and of course, now I feel guilty I should have been there more but I have a job, husband and two kids so did my best).  While we have a close relationship because it's always just been the two of us, we were not "loving" to each other.  No I love you's, no hugs, etc.  That's fine, but we never talked about deep stuff and now she's gone I feel like I should have said things to her.

 

We also had a difficult relationship the last few years because she did not care for herself and it caused her lots of complications, hospitalizations, fireman telling me they had to call Adult Protective Services because her home was in such bad shape.  This made me angry as she was hospitalized 4-5 times for self-neglect and each time I had to go and clean up with mess - financial, her health, the physical mess.  I became the parent, she the child.  She was obese and her health was affected with diabetes and other issues.  Yet when I'd take her to the store, she'd buy cookies, candy, chips so I'd get mad.  If I came to visit, she'd ask for junk - sometimes I'd bring it, sometimes I wouldn't.  Now I wish I could take it all back.  If that's all she had (food), I should not have tried to "control" her food and just let her live out the rest of her life eating what she wanted.

 

In the last 4 months she was hospitalized 4 times.  Each time was worse and I actually had the hospital threatening me that they were going to take me to the Ethics Board because they were trying to convince my mom (and me) to stop her treatment.  They kept saying she had a bad quality of life.  This last hospital stay, I agreed to not do the super invasive treatment - as the ER doc was yelling at me that she wasn't going to live long anyway.  Now I feel guilty that I didn't try to push for more treatment for her.  She wasn't ready to die.  I feel I let her down.

 

I feel so much guilt for not being a better daughter.  I feel so, so alone.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't breathe.  I'm sad the only person who really cared about me is gone.  I miss the stupid stuff we'd talk about - tv shows, food, celebs, my cats, my kids, my job.  She and I talked about the mundane - she cared about the little details of my life where there is nobody else who does.

 

If I didn't have my own kids, I don't think I'd want to be on this earth.  I have serious issues with feeling worthless. I had breast cancer two years ago and had very little support from my friends and husband's family - neither of his sisters texted, called me or visited.  His entire family thinks that "of course they care about me" and think I'm a bitch for feeling sad that they couldn't bother to reach out.  Now they want to be there for me, but I'm too hurt.  I have friends, but no best friend.  We are more acquaintances.  My daughters are lovely, but teens and I can't burden them to be my "friend" - sometimes I need to talk about them!

 

My mom was the only person who really cared about me.  I'd talk and or/visit her 4-5 times a week.   She's the only person who calls me.  All of my voicemails are from her.  She's gone and I feel so, so, alone.  I can't imagine another day without her.  I know it's recent, but I can't imagine the pain and guilt ever going away.  I don't have a dad or brother or sister to share my pain, or recollect our memories.  It all died with her.  It's as if part of me died. 

 

Thanks for letting me share this.  I don't feel I have anyone else to reach out to with my pain.

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LS123 ... I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine how difficult it is to go through this being an only child.  My heart goes out to you.  I lost both of my parents in an 11 month period and I often describe my feelings as being an orphan.  

 

You mentioned that in looking back you wish you had said things to her like you love her, etc.  You obviously had an unspoken love for your mom.  Actions sometimes speak louder than words and you were there for your mom as much as you could be.  SHE KNEW your love for her...no question about it!

 

My personal feeling on going through the illness and loss of a parent leaves us all with some feelings of guilt that we could have, or should have done more but I always remember that I did what I could and the bottom line for me is that we can only do so much.  Ultimately when God decides to take someone home, it is in His time not ours.  

 

Take care and if you have faith, lean on that because HE will get you through this.  Thanks for coming here and sharing your story.

 

Cindy Jane

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I just lost my Mom before Christmas last year. Fresh grief is really hard. My relationship with my own mom was a bit complicated, but I really struggle with the overwhelming pain that comes with the newness of our loss. Please feel free to come here and vent as you need to....it's a good place. I'm sorry you lost your mom and your best friend....that makes it doubly hard.....

Welcome to our sad club.....

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lisas, I'm RIGHT THERE with you.  I'm an only child.  Father was never really in the picture.  It was always me and my mama.  Always.  She was my best friend.  She had health problems, but I never imagined they were life threatening.  I was always telling her to see a doctor, but she never made an appointment.  Finally, this year, I called and made an appointment with her doctor.  They did bloodwork, started her on blood pressure meds, and I thought we were on the right track.  She was still having problems though, pains and some vomiting, short of breath.  I thought it was gastrointestinal related.  She always brushed it off, "I'm okay", "I just need a minute", "It was something I ate".  Her last follow up appointment, she told me to re-schedule. 

My kids were going to be out of school that day, and I was off, she told me to enjoy the day and sleep in.  The appointment never got re-scheduled.  I just didn't know how serious things were.  I never imagined it was her heart that was giving her problems.

Saturday evening we went to a friend's daughter's 18th birthday party.  Sunday she came over for dinner like she always did on Sundays.  She didn't have a car any more, she had lost her job a couple of years ago.  Her unemployment had ended.  I was her transportation wherever she needed to go.  

Monday, 3/14, my boyfriend went to pick her up to bring her to our house to sit with the kids while he worked and I was in class.  He sent me a text saying she wasn't answering her door, but the TV was on.  I called him, he said him and the neighbor were banging on the door.  I told him to kick it in.  I left class immediately.  When I got there, I saw the door open, I saw him outside, I saw a cop car pulling up behind me, but I didn't see my mother.  She had died, of a massive heart attack they tell me.  She was found on her floor, in underwear only.  Like she was getting dressed, or undressed.  I'm not even sure if it happened Sunday evening after I brought her home, as she was changing into her pajamas.  Or Monday morning, as she was getting up and getting dressed for the day.  Before I took her home Sunday evening, we stopped at the gas station so she could get cigarettes.  While going through her purse I found the full pack of cigarettes.  So I'm thinking, she didn't even open the pack, so I'm thinking Sunday evening.  But regardless, the one person who has been there for me through it ALL, was all alone when she passed.  I should have been there with her.

I just wish I had known.  If there was something I could have done.  Why didn't I push things with the doctors.  

With no siblings, no one knows that pain.  It was her and me.  We would talk for hours.  She understood my quirks.  She listened to the nonsense, the mundane, the everyday.  She was the ear that heard me talk about all the silly, annoying, irritating, funny things my kids do.  She was my partner and sidekick at all of the kids' events.  The loss and emptiness is so deep.  

I understand where you are.  I'm here too.  Maybe we can help each other through.  I look at my kids, and if I didn't have them, you are so right, I wouldn't want to be here.  But I still look at them, and think of all the stuff my mama will not be here for.  My 7 month old will not remember her.  She won't be here for his 1st birthday.  She won't be there to see DJ graduate from 8th grade this spring, or see him play Scar in the Lion King in a couple of months.  She will miss it all, and I will miss her through it all.  How do I cope?

 

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