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Breathe


Haven

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Mom it's been 56 days and I don't think I'm going to be able to go on;to "live" as you would want me to. I've tried....All I can promise is that I'll continue to breathe,breathe in,breathe out.Well back to my new life,my new normal,my new rituals.It sucks.Hopefully I will be able to sleep,that way I can experience one of what I think of as my golden moments.That the micro second when I first wake up and my ignorant brain thinks that you are a phone call,a room,a step away. I think that is why I want to sleep so much;the more I sleep the more golden moments I can have. As always,Love you forever.

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Hugs Haven ... I am so sorry for your loss.  56 days is so recent and your pain of this loss is HUGE.  For me personally "time" is a healer.  Time will never fill the void we are left with but as the days, weeks and months pass our hearts begin to heal.  Although grieving is such a personal thing, and we all grieve differently, just know that you are not alone and all who come here can relate to how you are feeling.  Thanks for being here with us and hopefully somehow we can bring you some comfort in sharing our thoughts and feelings.

 

take care

Cindy Jane

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I can totally relate to you.  I am new to this forum and new to posting anything period.  I lost my Mom on November 29, 2015.  I lost my Dad on January 29, 2015.  I have had a really tough week.  I miss my Mom so much it hurts physically.  I keep pushing myself to work and take care of my family but I really don't want to do anything.  I miss my Dad too but he's been gone longer and I feel like I have gotten further in the grief process than I have with the loss of my Mother. 

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Hi Spatrick ... I am so sorry for your losses.  Losing both parents in such a short time is very difficult.  I lost my mom on Oct. 6th 2013 and 11 months later my dad left us too.  It seems so unfair to lose a parent but losing both so close together is a real tough one.  Like I say here often, time is healing but it takes a lot of time...we just have to keep on muddling through life until it gets better.  Surround yourself with people who understand and care.  I know that everyone here cares because they are going through the loss of a parent also.   Hold on tight to your memories because eventually those memories will turn to comfort.

 

take care

Cindy Jane

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Welcome Haven and Sherrie the this grieving club! You are officially a member. It's not the way any of us would've liked to join.  :(

 

Haven, I'm so sorry for you loss. Losing a parent is a the hardest thing in the world. We just never get over it, but, for me, time is the healer. My mom passed from a massive on March 13 and it's going on 11 month. I was her main caretaker. I miss mom so much.  :( Watching mom take her last breath will forever be burned in my brain.

 

Spatrick, I'm so sorry for your losses. To lose both parents within months of each other must me extra hard for you. Surely, you didn't have much of a breathing room to grief in between the losses. I just can't imagine. I lost my father when I was a baby, so, I never knew him. Take it one day at a time.

 

We all know what you're going through. You're not alone. One good thing about this site, it allows you to vent and say what you want. Many of us here are still grieving. There are a bunch of beautiful people here. We understand. We're here for you.

 

Hugs Haven and Sherrie

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I also have never posted to anything before but I am truly not new to this website.No one may have noticed but I am what the website refers to as a "guest"; the shadow hiding in the corner.I stumbled here and for the past 56 days I have read and reread the postings in this forum. I don't know exactly why but I feel that I belong here; coming here is part of my new ritual.This has become my haven.What little comfort I have found since my Mother's death has been found here,by reading someone's kind words of encouragement to other members.February 2 was horrible for me,worse than my Mother's funeral, Christmas and New Year combined.I couldn't move,when I wasn't crying I was curled up in a little ball.I kept reliving,picturing the last three days of my Mother's life. I have got to stop that,I am crying again as I type this.I knew that if I posted someone through their own grief would reach out to me.Thank you.

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I can't stop myself. Another Monday.The first of the terrible three days.We had so much hope and things looked so promising. Why did everything have to go so wrong?

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Haven, I lost my mother two weeks ago yesterday.  I know how you are feeling and I'm so sorry for your suffering.  Yes, the pain is physical.  It feels like it can kill me it hurts so much.  And sometimes you wish it would.

 

spatrick, I don't think it's that you've had more time to come to terms with your father's death as much as it is that you've lost both your parents that's making your mother's passing doubly difficult.  I lost my father many years ago, though we were never close.  The pain I feel with my mother's passing is agonizing.  90% of that is because she was the person closest to me in this world, but I think 10% of that agony comes from the feeling that I am now what is commonly referred to as an "Adult Orphan".  I have never in my life felt so alone.

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Well everyone I have stumbled through another work week.Now on to the dreaded weekend. Friday evenings always are the beginnings of my emotional downward spiral. I actually prefer to be at work.I have emptied my office and desk of all personal items.I've packed away all pictures, knic-knacks,post it notes with inspirational sayings,even my coffee cup. I drink my coffee in a paper cup now; is that crazy or what? Whenever I would see one of these personal items I would think of my before life. I do admit that I have trouble when I first get to work as I always called my Mom to see what her and my Dad's plans were for the day. My parents were in their 80's but very active. I never knew what excursion they had planned. I would usually call them before I left to see what our dinner plans were. I ate dinner with my parents probably 6 days of the week. If my Mother wasn't cooking one of her wonderful meals my sister & I would pick something up and bring it in or pick them up and we would all go out together. There are several local restaurants that my Father,sister,& I still aren't able to go into yet;we're afraid that one of the waitress will ask about my Mom not being there with us. It's not that I don't miss my Mom while I'm at work but the responsibilities of a job do not give me the opportunities to sit and cry and face the reality that my Mother is gone forever. Hopefully one day I will find comfort in the memories of my Mom and the beautiful times we had and shared together. Now all I can think is what I no longer have and I am overwhelmed with grief. Hopefully one day I will be able to bring my coffee cup back and the memory of the enjoyable day I bought it while shopping at an art gallery with them will make me smile not cry.

Everyone please be kind, take care of yourself and remember breathe...

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Well Mom It's been 86 days.Today's Grandpa's birthday and even though he has been gone over 35 years I find myself unable to sleep thinking about him. His death and everyone else I have lost have become extremely raw again. I wonder why some people seem to cope with a love ones death while others shut down. January through March have never been very good months for our family; we have had a lot of losses in the past but this year history has come crashing back on me. How did you manage to go on losing my Grandmothers exactly one week apart? Now I know how you must have felt at the loss of your Mother but you kept going on for us kids.Everything you did was for your family. It's hard to believe but poor V and her kids lost you on Dec 9 and their other Grandmother exactly one week later just like us. She hasn't been able to hold up as well as you did for us but she is trying. The day you died I died.My world is empty and colorless. My birthday is coming up and I don't know how I am going to be able to handle it. The last thing you said to me before you left for your surgery was to take care of your Father. I have been trying but T and her know it all husband have made it impossible. She has taken over your house and Dad;he is just a shell of himself. Organize,organize,organize everything on a schedule.She treats Dad like one of the 4 year olds she used to babysit. Dad just does whatever she says;it would make you sick. I keep thinking of how on my last few birthdays she would always invite herself and I would act like it was OK to try to keep the peace but I am not going to do it this year. Under her mask she is such a bossy,vicious person. V And S are sucking up to her;acting like she know what is best for Dad. Little does she know is that these same sisters are just afraid of her and her horrible tongue. V and her family stopped going on our family vacation because of her and less than a year ago we were all discussing how sorry we felt for you and Dad since she had quit her job to take care of you after your surgery. You would of already put her in her place and taken back control of your house and Dad.Love you,miss you and I will continue to breathe. Becky

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Well Mom I'm still breathing. Even though my life has stopped time & the rest of the world keeps going on. Next Sunday is Easter and the day after my birthday. I'm sure this will be the worst most terrible birthday. I have already requested it off as I have done for the past 20 years. That's the only thing that will be the same. I won' t have your morning call wishing me a Happy Birthday. I won't be going to your house to go out for dinner together with L & Dad.I won't hear you and Dad repeating the story of how you wouldn't get out of the car at the hospital because your student nurses were going in at that time and you didn't want them to see you looking like you did. I won't hear Dad telling about how I was born before he finished filling out the admitting papers and when he first saw me he was shock because I had "square ears". I won't hear your voice or fill your tight embrace. Please bring me peace. I plan on starting a new forum topic on this site. I hope you like it. Love you forever, Haven

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Everly,

Yes my Father is still alive and what is taking place is adding to my grief. I am the oldest of 5 sisters. My sister L and I are unmarried and we bought our Grandfather's house and have lived together in it since 1980. My 3 younger sisters are married with children. L and I spent all of our free time with our parents. They didn't ask us to but if we didn't stop by after work they would call or come over to our house looking for us. For the past 30 years it has always been Mom, Dad, L and I. My Mom would either cook dinner for us, or we would bring something in or we would go out together. L and I were the ones that would clean and decorate the house for the holidays. We would go for day trips, shows, and concerts together. We would wrap the Christmas gifts for them and purchase everything for 12 Easter baskets for the Grandchildren.We would take them shopping, for rides. We would set together every evening watching Wheel of Fortune and Jepordy together. They were more than our Parents, they were our friends.We would squeeze our shopping or house cleaning in while they were at church. Our other friends kind of dropped away because they knew we were always with our parents. My other sisters would make their token appearances. I don't know how many times my Mother wouldn't leave the house because someone said they were stopping by but they never did. Sister #4 is nothing but a vicious horrable verbal bully. Everyone else in the family my parents included avoided her and her ass hole of a husband at all costs. Sister 5 even stopped going on our yearly family vacation because she couldn't stand being around her. She tries to control and schedule everything. Her husband is a loud mouth know it all. My parents are in their 80's and late last year my Mother started having health issues. My Mom did everything for my Dad; he's 85. He still drives but probably shouldn't. L and I gladly took days off work for their Doctor appointments, tests, etc. Dad's almost deaf and they would joke that they needed another set of ears. After my Mom died my Dad has shut down. He is a shell of himself. Sister #4 took it upon herself to schedule us so Dad  is never alone at night. She is the only one who doesn't work so she is there everyday, all day with him. She treats him like a little kid. Dad has become so dependent on her. He has become so forgetful and helpless. The only thing he wants to do or talk about is going to casinos. He can' t remember what he had for lunch but he can tell you what he won or lost two weeks ago to the penny. My Mom and him would go gambling at the most 2 or 3 times a month now #4 takes him twice a week. I think he is using gambling as a way to avoid the fact that his wife of 58 years is gone. Before my Mother died my parent's would say that L and I should move back home. Now my Dad treats L and I differently. He doesn't seem to want us around. I think it is because when we are there the old group of 4 now has a gapping wound. Now there are 3. I think he misses my Mom the most when it's just us 3. We will go over after work as usual and bring dinner and he won't even be there, no note, no call nothing. When we finally catch up with him he will say that he went out for dinner with #4 and her husband. If we ask why he didn't mention it to us he gets angry. God forbid if you say anything against her; he blows up. #4 knows exactly what she is doing. Her and I have never gotten along as adults because I am the only one who won't back down to her. I would always try to keep the peace because my Mom asked me to but she is no longer here. It really hurts L and I on how my Father is treating us. I keep telling myself that I should be more understanding, I am no longer the same person I was before my Mother died; how can I expect him to be. But it still hurts..... God I wish Mom had survived her surgery. She would have taken her house back and put us all in our places. Whew does that fill good to get off of my chest. I bet you are sorry you ever asked about my Father. Thank you for letting me vent.  Becky S

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I feel like I belong here.  It sucks that we are all going through this pain.  I miss my mama so much.  It's only been 11 days.  It hurts me soooo much.  It was always me and her.  My dad wasn't around much.  I don't have any sisters/brothers.  She was my best friend.  How am I supposed to live the rest of my days without her.  I have my own children, but when I see them, I feel the loss of what will never be.  No more Nana at their bday parties, games, concerts, shows.  Will I ever be able to find joy in these things without her here?  Will these tears EVER stop?????

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Mom I miss you so much. Please let me fill your presence today. I don't think I am going to be able to even get out of bed. I am already crying. It is storming thunder, lightning, & rain. I am holding the card you and Dad gave me last year. God I would do anything to get your morning call. Dad wants to do something special but I'm sorry ,I can't. I have the need to withdraw and isolate myself from everyone & everything. I don't have the energy to put up with society anymore. I don't want to even pretend that anything matters, anything makes a difference.  It's back to breathe in, breathe out. The past is no more, the future may not be, the present is all we have.  Love you forever. 

 

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Eve,

Thank you for being here for me today. I am in such a dark place spiraling downward uncontrollably. I don't know how to go forward, how even to function. Yesterday was my birthday. Not only have I lost my Mom but the Dad I know and love no longer exists. I know that I should be his support his shoulder to cry on and lean on when he needs me but that is what hurts. He doesn't seem to want me around. I probably am too damaged to be around. I had made arrangements to pick him up for dinner. It was a tradition I had with my parents and sister that I live with. I would always treat them. I would say it was to thank them for having me, for being such good parents, for nurturing and guiding me. When I got to his house he was sleeping on the couch. In sleep he looks so tired, so sad. Sister # 5 had taken him gambling even though she knew we had plans. We went out but he hardly talked he was so wiped out. He hardly ate, he said they had a late lunch at the casino. When we went back to the house #4 was there. He perked up and all they did was talk about the fun he had at the casino.

I hope my Mom can forgive me but I need to try to fix myself. I need to grieve, to try to heal. The last thing she said to me when we left for the hospital was to take care of your Father. I know that his physical needs are being taken care of. She would want me to try to help him be to be as happy as possible without her here. As much as it hurts it looks like that is when I'm not around and he is with #4.

Before my Mom's surgery they had talked to me and the sister I live with about signing us as their power of attorney. They didn't want any of my married sisters to have control in case their husbands would try to influence or make any of the decisions concerning their assets. They also wanted to sign over their house and stocks etc. They knew we would fairly and evenly divide everything once they unfortunately were no longer with us. My Dad completed and signed the paperwork the week after my Mom died to honor her wishes. I don't know if he can change that once the papers are signed. Hopefully not.

Eve you know what is really scaring me? Ever since the website was updated I have been reading the earliest posts. A lot of the people no longer post. Are they gone because the have found some peace in their lives; some healing? I can't see that as possible; I'm afraid it's because after awhile some people just give up living; to broken to even post anymore.

I am so sorry to be dumping this all on you like this. It must be so hard to come here and try to comfort someone when you yourself are experiencing the same horrible loss . I cannot thank you enough for the willingness and compassion of you and the rest of the core members to reopen yourselves to what at times must be painful memories. 

Becky 

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