Lost my mom 2 months ago

[Lostwm8888]

I lost my mom in Nov, 2015. She had dementia for over 11 years. She lived in a nursing home, but I was constantly there and talked on the phone to staff, etc continuously. I was her main caregiver for that entire time, along with caring for my dad until he passed in 2007. 

 

I know Mom is in a better place, but it is so hard to accept that I will never see her on this Earth again. I was with her when she died and the days leading up to her death were very hard. I continuously visualize all that she went through those last few days and the moment she passed. Right after she died, it kept me up at night and I was unable to sleep more than a couple hours/night. As they say, a picture i worth a thousand words. Things I have witnessed seem like they are forever burned into my brain.

 

People seem to want me to get through this mourning period ASAP. I feel like I'm suppose to be following some type of manual, one that i have never read. I don't really know how to progress through the grief at times. Sometimes I feel as if I'm going backwards.

 

 

[Enin]

Hi Lostwm, You've come to the right place because we know what you're going through. This site has been a lot of comfort for me because I know I'm not alone. My dad died in 2013 in the nursing home. He had only been there 1 month. I was caring from my mom at home at that same time, and even though I visited him everyday, I couldn't spend as much time with him as I would have liked to. He died in the nursing home alone, and I still have a hard time thinking about that. My sweet, wonderful dad had to die alone in a nursing home. My mom died 7 months ago in the emergency room. I was with her when all of a sudden she began to make strange breathing sounds. I called for help, and the doctor told me she was about to pass. My heart sunk. I couldn't believe my beautiful mom was actually about to die. Then she cried out. I couldn't handle it. I started sobbing and a nurse led me out of the room and my mom died a few minutes later. I couldn't bear seeing the life go out of her, but I feel so guilty that I didn't stay in the room with her. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I hope for peace, but so far I have none. I find coming here to write about my feelings gives me some relief and comfort, and I hope it will help you too.

 

Enin

[Lostwm8888]

Enin,

 

Thanks for your response. I am sorry to read about your parents also. My dad also died in the nursing home and I wasn't there. They called me and by the time I got there, he was gone. My mom was in the room, but not totally aware of what was going on due to her dementia. He had many physical problems, but nothing made me think his end was near. It was a shock.

 

I was there for my mom in the nursing home. She just had her 92nd birthday 2 days prior. She was declining quickly. Her last day, she wasn't responsive and would breathe, then stop breathing for up to 2 min and we all thought she had passed. She did this all day, so I felt like she died 100 times that day. I was by her side when she took her last breaths. I'm glad I was since her face showed she was fearful. 

 

You shouldn't feel guilty at all about leaving the room. You did what you could and she would understand. I gotta say, those last moments haunt me and like they say a picture is worth a thousand words. Watching her last moments will be forever in my brain. It causes me many sleepless nights. As soon as I close my eyes, I think of that last day. After she passed, I think I might have gotten 2-3 hrs of  sleep a night because of all I had seen I couldn't get out of my mind. It was/is hard to replace those thoughts with happier thoughts of her life.

 

Since I was so involved in her care for 11 years, there is such a huge void in  my life. It feels like a vaccum that sucks me down into a pit. She is in a better place, but I feel like I lost a part of me. 

 

Some people tell me it never gets better. That is disheartening to hear.

[cindyjane]

Lostwm & Enin ... I am so sorry for your losses.  2 things are certain when we lose our loved ones;  it stings us to the core and it leaves a HUGE void.  It is hard to believe and almost unimaginable to think that we will ever get over this but my personal experience is what people have said for years.  Time is a healer!  It doesn't take away how much we miss our parents but the pain lifts over time.  For me, the memories I have of my parents no longer open a floodgate of tears but they now bring me some comfort and feelings of grateful.  I am so grateful that I've had both of them for parents.  I am grateful for all that they did for me over the years but mostly I am grateful for the LOVE they gave me.  Although I lost my mom in 2013 and dad 11 months later I still have times when I think of them and shed a few tears but I am always led back to those feelings of being grateful which really helps bring me some comfort in losing them.  Not sure if this makes sense but the best suggestion I can make is to just go with your feelings....let the tears flow when they will.  God bless you both for caring for your parents toward the end of their lives ... that is HUGE.  

 

I was there with my dad when he took his last breath but wasn't there with my mom.  Initially I had deep regrets over that but we are human and can only do what we can do.  Like you guys, I was there when I could be which was a lot in her last 6 weeks.  We did what we could and I know our parents would understand that.  

 

take care and God bless you both with comfort and memories that in time will warm your hearts.

Cindy Jane

[Lostwm8888]

Cindy Jane,

 

Thanks for your encouraging words. It's helpful to hear that it does get better. Many have told me they hate to say it, but it doesn't get any better. Words I don't particularly care to hear. 

 

I thought I was gradually doing better,but for some reason yesterday and today I've gone back to crying a lot and can't say things in public without breaking out in tears.  I guess it does come in waves, but it feels as if I'm moving backwards...

 

The void is definitely there for sure. I spent most of my time at Mom's nursing home and whenever I wasn't there I was paying all her bills and trying to arrange her caregivers' schedules. It was like a full time job and I was on call 24/7. 

 

Now I feel as if my heart is literally aching in pain. People who haven't gone through this don't quite understand and just want me to get back to my "normal" life soon. I think my normal life is in the past and I need to strive for a "new" normal.

 

Thanks again!

[cindyjane]

Lostwm

 

You are right on so many levels.  Our overwhelming sadness does hit is in waves.  For me, I am more sensitive when I haven't had enough sleep, or when I have a cold and am not feeling well physically, or when something is bothering about work, etc.  That being said, it is perfectly ok to have our feelings bubble up and have some difficult moments or difficult days.  It is all because of the deep love we have for our parent(s) who have left us.  You are also correct in saying that people who haven't gone through such a loss really don't get it.  Unless a person experiences this, they may mean well but they truly don't get it.  That is why I don't hold it against them if they are being insensitive to my feelings and grieving.  Prior to losing my parents, I didn't get it either.  I thought I did ... but I didn't.

 

Of course your heart is aching my friend, it is absolutely devastating to lose a parent.  I know this is hard to hear because we have doubts when people tell us that in time this will get better, but I am here to tell you that it is true.  The void doesn't get filled and I will ALWAYS miss my parents but over time (for me a couple of years) the pain gets to be less and for me I think it is because the memories I hold are feeling less painful to feelings of gratefulness in having them for my parents.  

 

Also, I believe that for those of us who were caregivers and looked after a parent(s) it hits us harder.  We've seen our parents when they were at their worst, we've had to keep it together to help them as much as we humanly could, we've literally watched them slip away over a period of time.  This wore on us physically and emotionally but you know what!  In looking back, I see all of this as a gift!  Oh what I wouldn't give to help my mom with her baths and shampoo or to rush home from work to take one of my parents to an appointment, or to do their housecleaning, or to take them grocery shopping or to the pharmacy for their medications.  As hard as it was to keep up with all of this and work at my job, I treasure every moment of it.  Fast forward to today (2 years since losing my mom ... 1 year in losing my dad) I feel blessed to have been given the strength to have helped them as much as I could and did.  I feel blessed to have been the one who was their through their ill health and to the end of their lives.  I was with my dad when he took his last breath but was at home sleeping when my mom passed on.  They brought me into this world and it was a gift to be there when they were leaving this world.  That is how I see it today.  Don't get me wrong, I still cry now and then but those tears are a mix of missing them to pieces and tears of gratefulness.  Hang in there and go with the flow....your heavy heart will lighten in time.  

 

hugs

Cindy Jane

[MayFGL]

Lostwm and Enin, I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a parent. It's going to get better. It just takes time. I was never a believer that I'd get over my mom's passing. I wouldn't say that I'm over it, but, I'm better than when it happened.

 

My mom passed from a massive stroke March 13, 2015. I still can't say the "D" word. I was mom's main caretaker. She spent a week in the hospital and almost two weeks in hospice. I had never seen anyone "d--" in front of me. Like you said, Lostwm, things I witnessed will forever burn in my brain. Watching mom taking her last breath, is something that I will never forget. There are still times that I wish I could join mom. 

 

I still feel guilty because I felt I killed mom. About three years ago, I was laid off from work and decided to take care of mom full-time. It was a very challenging time for me. I had a major stroke in 2005 that left me handicapped with weak right side and one good hand. Mom was wheelchair bound and I helped her with everything that a normal person would do---bathe her, take her to the restroom, change her, take her to restroom, feed her, take her to the restroom. Mom peed alot and I'm not exaggerating either. 

 

Mom had the stroke right after her lunch. She asked to go to the restroom. I took her and left her to come back and check to a couple of minutes. She wasn't ready because she had a bowl movement. I went back to check on her 10 minutes later. Was it 10, 20, 30 min? I just remembered mom and I jumped up to go to mom...and she had the stroke already. She was leaning to her left, arm clutched, semi-conscious, slurred speech. I can kill myself right there and then.

 

Why did I forget mom? For about a month, mom wouldn't take naps during the day and wouldn't go to sleep at night. I had to stay up with her and Mr. Coffee. I was very tired and very sleepy. I had lack of sleep. I'd be very lucky if I got 8 hrs of sleep in two days. I've been a bit forgetful these last 2 yrs. All these combinations has a lot to do with forgetting to check mom. So, I feel I killed mom.    

 

It's been 10 months since that aweful day. I wish mom would leave me signs like she did at the beginning. Like smelling the medicated oil that she used to use, calling my name as I was coming out the room (and mom's voice was clear as day) or feeling the light touch on my waist which I thought was our dog Rufus and other signs.

 

Lostwm and Enin, please take all the time you need to grief. Don't rush it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When we went to the cemetary to visit mom after a month, I cried so much. As we were leaving, I had to stop in my tracks and stoop down to cry. My brother told me to "Stop it, May!". I was so hurt. 

 

I'm so glad you joined us. This is the place to be. You won't regret this.

 

Best wishes and hugs

May

[Lostwm8888]

Dear May and Cindy Jane,

 

So glad to read your encouraging words. Someone told me I have now joined their club ( one of losing parents), not that anyone would want to, but I have. Members of this "club" are the only ones who can truly understand. 

 

May, please don't feel you killed your mom. YOU didn't cause her stroke. You couldn't have prevented it or stopped it. You did everything you could for your mom, but we are only human. I have insomnia, but surely all the things like being the main caregiver for Mom  (and Dad) certainly has made me sleep a LOT  less. Then grieving after they are gone has made me sleep not much at all. As soon as I close my eyes, I remember that last day and her last breaths. I dream about it from my subconcious. Lack of sleep chronically is devastating. We are not at our top game due to it.

 

Near the end, Mom had Grand Mal seizures for a stroke we didn't even know about that she probably had months before. She had one in the nursing home which I didn't witness. But once she was wheeled into the ER room, she had another.  I stood helplessly by while she went thru the seizure and no one could do ANYTHING. May, if you were there while she had the stroke, there is nothing you could do either.

 

I think we have given so much of our lives to our folks while they were sick, we shouldn't beat ourselves up now after they are gone. They wouldn't want us to do that either.

 

Cindy Jane, you are SO right about being with our folks in their time of need was a blessing also. I'm so thankful that I was so closeby the nursing home and could be there so frequently. I remember when my dad was constantly going into the hospital for SVT's for his heart, the usual stay was 10 hr minimum in the ER. I would ask him, do you want to watch TV to help pass the time? He would always say no, he wanted to talk. I got to know him more in those 3 years I was his maingiver than all the years previously in a way. I guess I should say know him differently. Most of my time was devoted to Dad since he had so many physical needs. After he passed after 3 years, I devoted all my time to my mom who physically was pretty good but had dementia. So, I had quality time with both. 

 

They say caregiver takes 10 years off your life. I would agree. I had to have heart surgery probably  caused by all the stress of being in the sandwich generation (taking care of kids and parents). 

 

But as Cindy Jane said, it's a stress and a blessing at the same time. 

 

Other people don't want to be around people who are grieving. They really don't know what to say. They just want you to get back to normal as soon as possible. We have to remember that we need to allow ourselves to grieve in our own time.

 

Thanks for your support!!