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[Enin]

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[Lisa k]

Hi Enin, I'm sorry for your losses and understand how you feel.My mum died in july 2015 from cancer.I cared for her all throughout her illness.I feel so alone now mostly because I am.My father who is alive and well has never wanted us in his life,so I have no family other than my ill brother who lives with me.It does feel like punishment from the universe somehow.My life is empty also and each day that goes by feels worse .

Pets are such wonderful comfort and when they pass it is like losing a family member.I have cockatiels ,five of them and they have been so emotionally neglected this past 14 months.I feel bad but I feel so numb like nothing is enjoyable and nothing brings me comfort anymore.Sure I make sure they are fed and have fresh water and a clean cage but they know something has changed in me.Animals feel things too.

You've come to a great place for support so welcome.

Once again I'm sorry for all the pain and loss.

Kind regards

Lisa

[Lisa k]

Sorry Enin,just wanted to add tabby lived to a good age,I'm sure he was very loved and well taken care of. He sure is a good looking cat.I know how much it sucks to lose a pet.I have lost many over the years. My mum left behind a devon rex and since she died he sprays all over the house so I spend my day cleaning up after him. It's a shame you can't explain to animals where there loved one has gone. I know the cat is grieving for her and it's so sad.

[Marivdb]

I'm so sorry to hear about our losses. I too lost a beloved pet close to the time when I lost my mom....the day before in fact. Pooh had been declining for months, but I had been in denial. I wasn't ready to let him go. My husband finally convinced me it was time, on Thursday morning, so we took him to the vet and had him put to sleep, then on Friday night my mom died. It was more than I could take.

This is a good place to come for support...the people here really do care.

[Enin]

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[Lisa k]

Hi Enin,life does seem cruel at times, my mum was 66yrs old and too young to die.she died from lung cancer.she was a smoker for most of her life and succumbed from it.why do some people smoke all their lives and live to a ripe age and others die?There is no answer but it feels like the universe punishing us for something. Life is unbearably lonely now,she was my best friend and now we are orphans. I'm not married, have no kids or friends so feel her loss immensely.

Old age can sure be sad as our bodies wear out.My mum didn't have lots of pain which I'm so grateful for but the images of her final days and the moment I watched her die will haunt me forever.

Take each day at a time, what else can we do?

Do you have other family or friends?

Come here and talk whenever you need we are all in the same horrible club.

Lisa

[Enin]

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[Everly]

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[Lisa k]

Enin,there has been many times I wish I was dead so I can be with my mum. There was a time when I was looking after my mum that I just couldn't bear that she was going to die. I started googling ways to make it happen,I was so desperate not to be left behind. I know the panic you are experiencing well. The world seems scarier now with no one to comfort me .I do have my brother but he is schizophrenic and is like taking care of a child,he's 45 this year and I'm so lost without my mum.It's so hard and I have had nights like you describe. I also have agarophbia and there are days I cannot leave the house. Everything has gone to hell since my mum's death.

You are in my thoughts

Lisa

[Enin]

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[Enin]

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[Marivdb]

Enin,

I'm so sorry it's a rough night. I'm having one too. It started with missing my mom and dragging up the mess that was our relationship, then I went on Facebook and someone had posted something about the best way to prepare yourself to euthanize your pet, and I was back to bawling over my stupid "Bad Cat (my term of affection for Pooh the cat I had to put to sleep the day before my mom died!)".

I did the thank you notes for my mom's funeral tonight...kind of makes it real....makes it final. She's not ever coming back. Sorry, I'm trying to cheer you up.

We're here for each other here. I'm thankful I found this place. They have taken me in in spite of the fact that my relationship with my mom was flawed. They get that I still loved her, and that my grief is real. We all face unique challenges, and similar situations....we find ways to relate and smile together....and you will to. Just hold on a little longer--ok? Tabby would want you to.

[Enin]

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[Marivdb]

They have...I find that helping others helps me too. I ride, and may still cry again a little. It may be another sleepless night for me tonight I think, but that's not so unusual right now. At least I stopped myself from shopping just now!

I'm married with teenagers, so it's rarely quiet or "lonely" in the same way as you guys talk about at my house, but I get lonely in other ways. My husband works mid nights so he's gone all night and sleeps all day. The boys try to be understanding, but teenage boys will never be the soul mates that a teenage daughter would be(except for my oldest son--I always said he was the daughter I never had LOL--he is very in touch with his feminine side for a straight guy!). I just get lonely here with no one to really talk to during the day, and no one around at night. It leaves a lot of time to think.

I hope being here can help you find some peace......and me too.....

[Everly]

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[Enin]

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[Lisa k]

OMG Enin,stop beating yourself up. I have been selfish, impatient and said mean things too.

The day before my mum died i screamed at her that I couldn't take anymore. It was doing my head in watching her die.I was so tired and hadn't slept for 48hrs straight. She said to me "Lisa its time i died ".Then I screamed at her if you die i want to die too. I deeply regret what I said and I can never take it back. It's no easy task taking care of someone and the stress takes its toll.I lost 16kg in 9months from the worry ,stress and anxiety. I would give anything too to have my mum back rather than feel this loneliness and numbness that is now my life.I have barely cried since she died because all I feel is so numb.Give yourself a break and try not to feel to guilty. We are only human and sometimes things are just too stressful that we lose it.

Feel free to PM me anytime you like.we are all here for you.

Hugs Lisa

[Enin]

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[Lisa k]

I'm at home all day too and it can be hard not to let your thoughts take you to a dark place. Both your parents are lucky to have had you take care of them

The alternative is a nursing home and lots of kids would not be willing to look after aging parents.I wanted my mum to die in her own home and it's what she wanted also. It was the hardest most difficult thing I have done. But I'm so grateful we could make it happen with the help of hospice.I would do it again in a heartbeat,all the sleepless nights, cleaning up crapped pants and bedding all of it.

Lisa

[Everly]

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[Lisa k]

Eve,last year back in june,it was the queens birthday long weekend here and on the Saturday my mum became really abusive and uncooperative and confused.she was saying strangle things that didn't make sense.That evening i was trying to clean her up in the bathroom because she had messed herself.I had to get my brother to help me she was abusing both of us.I called an ambulance and she wouldn't cooperate with them either. She actually called them a pile of kunts and told them to fuk off lol.They sedated her and took her to hospital and did ct scans and found out the cancer had gone to her brain.I was devastated as chemo was working and shrinking the tumours on her liver and lung.She had swelling on her brain which is why she was abusive and confused.That weekend specialists told her no more treatment. She was so devastated i will never forget the look on her face.She said to me then and there "great I'm no use to anyone anymore. It broke my heart to see her so broken. She was discharged from hopital and sent home to die.we had a hospice service come in when needed which wasn't often, they really just control pain they don't do much else.She died exactly 5 weeks after being sent home. She was able to talk to me til the day before she passed.She was very sleepy alot though.I called out hospice the next morning because she had such a bad night's sleep and said she was in pain.

The nurses doped her up on more morphine and midazolam and she went to sleep and didn't wake up.I sat by her side all that day listening to her breathing, it was so rattly and that night she was making choking noises and i realized she was choking on her bottom denture. I called my brother in and he ripped it out and she took one final breath and was gone at 8.55pm.

It's almost like she gave up once i said what i did.It feels like i killed her or at least hastened things up.

I spoke to my psychologist on the phone next morning in tears telling him i killed her.He thinks she was asking for my blessing to die but I'm not so sure.

I'm glad though that she could talk right up til the day before she died.

Some images will never leave me they feel etched in my mind. Everynight before i go to sleep i see the moment she died and the look on her face.

Sorry for such a long ramble.

[Enin]

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[Lisa k]

Hi Enin,I hear you I really do.Our lives never can be the same again. I never imagined I would have no mother by 41 years of age. I think about how long I might have to live without her and it's too much to bear. Some nights I pray I have a massive heart attack and die just to be with her. Nothing prepares us for the death either even if it's expected. It's so cruel you had to lose tabby this soon. I know nothing can ever replace him but in time maybe you might feel ready to have another pet even if it's not a cat.I always said I would never have another pet after each of them died because it hurt too much, but when I had time to heal a little off I'd go and get another pet. Just a thought anyway but one day you might feel ready.

Hugs Lisa

[Enin]

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