Why can't I deal with my mum's death

[Norah's 55]

Don't quite know how to start this without making myself seem unfeeling, but my Mum died last Saturday (on her 81st birthday) and I haven't cried at all. She was a very difficult woman in many ways, and managed to disassociate with 4 of her 5 children, and more or less her final words were that she didn't want any of us to be told, apart from my eldest sister being with her when she died. Over the years, she cut me off many times, always over things that were nothing to do with me, but over the last 3 years or so I would have her stay with me a few times a year to give her respite from my disabled step-father, and I believed I was finally getting somewhere with her and we were connecting in some small way. Just over a year ago, she cut me off again because my daughter didn't invite her to her small wedding, only 30 guests, mainly due to the fact that she would have taken over and made an uncomfortable atmosphere for some other guests, ones she hadn't seen for years.

She died of cancer, which she had apparently had for a few years and hadn't told me about, or tried to reconcile with me before her death. Don't know where to turn, I have 2 daughters but ones at Uni and the other has just started a new job. I have been told at work to take 3 days compassionate leave but have refused as I live alone and have no one to talk to. Can't talk at work as the environment I'm in doesn't allow for it. My other siblings live a long distance away so I don't want to dump on them, and they all have partners to talk to. I've never felt so alone, don't have any friends close enough to talk to.

[ModKonnie]

I am so very sorry about the loss of your mom. You can talk here about how you are feeling. We will listen. 

 

Perhaps your daughters need to talk to you about the death of their grandmother? 

 

We will be here with you,

 

ModKonnie

[Marivdb]

I'm so sorry. I kind of feel the same way. My dad has removed all traces of my mom from their home in the three weeks since her death, my sister has cut me out of her life, and my brother doesn't talk about this kind of stuff. My hubby listens, but works all the time, and since I'm disabled, I hate to bother him or drag him down when he's home. My kids are teenagers and try to be supportive, but they're kids. So I come here. These guys are great.

My mom and I had struggles too. Our relationship was hot and cold. She was very critical, and I often had to take time away to build my self esteem back up to a place where I could manage to listen to what she had to say to me. When my mom was in hospice her last five weeks, she pushed me aside to make room for my sister repeatedly....the same sister that she had cut out of her life for most of the last year up to that point. Our mom's bring complicated emotions with them....and then they die and leave us with even more complicated emotions. Whatever you are feeling right now is ok. It's really fresh. Your brain is mush. You may cry in a week or a month or an hour. Or never. It's ok. Everyone's grief is unique. I just want to welcome you and let you know you're not alone.