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How will I ever be happy again


Heartbroken 2016

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Heartbroken 2016

My dear lovely father died on the 22nd December and I don't know how I'm ever going to be happy in life. We had a close relationship but then in recent years we fell out and became distant. I said some horrible things to him.. Things that now I wonder why I ever said. I know I hurt him and all he ever did was love me. Even though I was awful he just loves me. And now he's gone and I can never show him how sorry I am or how much I love him. I will never forgive myself. How can I carry on with life knowing that he will never be there . All I do is cry

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mariesgirl1953

Heartbroken2016. I'm terribly sorry your loss. Even though you and your dad didn't get on in later years, just know that he loved you dearly. And try not blame yourself, hugs to you xxx

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Hi Heartbroken, I'm so sorry for your loss. Try not to beat yourself up,I know it can be hard not to but we all say things we regret. We are human after all and make mistakes. I said some horrible things to my mum the day before she died ,it was out of pure stress and exhaustion but i think about it alot.Deep down I'm sure your dad knew you loved him.It's very recent for you and it's certainly a very hard road to travel this grief but try and take one day at a time. Everyone here understands without judgment. This is a great place to come share your loss.

Hugs to you

Lisa

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I am so sorry for your loss heartbroken.  I want to share something with you that I have experienced in losing both of my parents.  I got along so well with them all of my life, right up to the end of their lives but after they passed on I looked back and thought of a lot of things that I said or done which were disrespectful and that I am very sorry for.  I think we could all do that because we are human and humans aren't perfect.  We know that and our parents knew that.  Due to the fact that your dad loved you, he also knew that you aren't perfect.  Believe me when I say that he has forgiven you and so has our dear Father in Heaven.  Don't be hard on yourself and just try to be the best person that you can be today.  That is how I honour my parents.

 

I hope this helps

take care

Cindy Jane

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Dear Heartbroken, I am so sorry for your recent loss. Losing a parent has a lasting effect and is not easy. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Cry when you want to cry. Let it out than to keep it bottled up inside. Please don't blame yourself for we aren't perfect. 

 

I wasn't the perfect daughter. I've had arguments with mom. My mom passed on March 13 from a massive stroke. I was her main caretaker. I look back and I think of all those could've's, would've's and should've's. I miss my mom terribly and still cry lie many of us here.

 

I'm glad that you chose to join us on this board. You will find everyone here is very caring and wonderful. You've come to the right place. You can share some memories of your dad, any thoughts, funnies, sad news, vent and just anything you'd like to post here. We won't judge you. We're here for you. 

 

Hugs to you

 

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Dear Heartbroken,

 

I know what you are feeling. If your father loved you, he forgave you. And yes, I know just how meaningless these words are when you are trying to make peace with yourself, with your own damn memories.

 

My parents loved me my whole life. But they were 33 and 38 when I was born in 1979, and both of them had 10 brothers and sisters. Believe me when I say that they were old fashioned. My paternal grandfather was born in 1895. I kid you not. My GRANDPA. I am only 36! Anyhow, my point is actually that even though my parents loved me they did not know how to be involved with me. I was fed, clothed, had a roof over me and never wanted for toys. But even when my parents were home, they weren't exactly there.

 

I loved my parents because they were  my parents, but we didn't exactly know each other and I have had to struggle through some awkward times trying to find common ground. (To this day I open conversations with my dad with, "How's the weather?" LOL)

 

Unfortunately for me, I am not the most clever when it comes to reading people. I might even be downright doltish. About 10 or so years ago I began to notice that my mom started needing something from me that I wasn't able to give... Pets and hugs. Isn't that sad? But my mom rarely hugged or touched me growing up and I was rather repulsed by this neediness taking over. I still loved her but this was just weird!

 

My older half sister and I noticed that she began telling sob stories to neighbors... For example, she loved gardening, she would spend hours outside working on the lawn, mowing, tending roses and plants, trimming, feeding, the works. She always invited us to come and see her beautiful plants, which we did. But slowly over time we noticed our neighbors started glaring at us. At first we thought we were imagining it but we came to find out that mom was telling us how much she loved doing these things but if the neighbors were out she would become fatigued and overwhelmed and suddenly they were wondering why her lazy children (who happened to be single parents working and going to school) weren't out there doing the yard work and such. She was playing the neighbors for attention and affection!

 

I was so angry at this ruse that we suffered through some terrible arguments. It made no difference. She went on to coax my many aunts into despising us as ungrateful wretches. I was so hurt.

 

Now let me not orchestrate a grand delusion here; we were not stellar children. But it was strange and absurd and hurtful. Don't forget sad! Over the years I became distant from my aunts, I did not care what mom told them, I came to peace with the fact that she needed an ego stroke that I simply could not give her. And anyway, what better friends to confide in than siblings. We are arguers. I knew when mom was fed up with us she would call her sisters or best friend and lay it on thick. In the end I didn't mind, but in the beginning, we said terrible awful things.

 

And really, isn't it sad and appalling that all my mom needed was a little petting and babying and I just couldn't do it. Think about all the ugly things I said when I could have just pampered her a little. I mean, what did I have to lose? Pride? I'd have to face some discomfort... Do you know I was studying once and forgot to pick her from the hospital after a surgery? That was many years ago, but just a few short years ago mom fell and cracked her head waiting on public transit because she didn't have a car. She hit the pavement so hard she got a concussion. I was somehow unreachable on my phone. What a flake...

 

Sigh... I don't know what troubles you had with your father, I don't know if they were petty or substantial, but I do know that you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your dad being at peace. The real battle is making peace within yourself. It should come in time. I failed my mom many times over in many more ways than the ones I am actually sharing. Most of the time I smuggle the shame and pain into a compartment in my mind and take it out only on rainy days so I can wallow in it. Sometimes I find peace. Other times I just give myself over to it.

 

I'm sorry for the long response, I use this forum to vent and heal by replying to comments that strike a chord in me. Thank you for your comment, and I sincerely hope you can find peace or at least a middle ground that allows you to hold on to your sanity.

 

Best wishes.

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You know, lately  I am super sad about this distance in my family. I have come to suspect how my mom talked about me to her sisters (which I had grown up around until I was an adult and moved to FL) was much worse than I thought. You know, this tight nit uber-Christian (that is to say, so Christian that I don't fit in, because I'm not, and for some because I'm not straight, etc., etc.) group of siblings who were devastated when my beloved grandparents died, who glorify my mom and speak of her as if she were a saint, couldn't even send one flower or card to us? They treated me like I was a stranger even though I had played with their kids, my cousins, for years. Not ONE of them messaged me. Now three of them were there right after she died but one was cruel, and the other just finally told my sister, 'I just never understood that Ikaros.'

They accepted my sister more than me because she is from my mom's first marriage. But then, how could they trust me when my own parents didn't tell me they had finally divorced, how embarrassing was that to find out in front of her family at the funeral home when I called my dad. Thanks, mom. I needed that vote of confidence to try and lead your funeral plans...

Sorry having a fit of depression, grief and anger and needed a rant. I posted here bc it was most relevant to my previous comment and I just needed to say it.

 

 

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