New Loss....am I crazy?

[Marivdb]

My Mom died Friday night.  She had battled MS for 25 years, and five weeks ago my Father called in hospice with the blessing of her Dr. I don't know what I feel because she was way too young and she didn't want to die.  My Dad and her care giver called in hospice when she became confused after her latest bout with a chronic uti and rather than going with fluids and a feeding tube, they let her slowly starve to death over the course of five weeks. When the confusion passed she made it clear she didn't want to die, but by then the organ failure from the lack of nourishment was too pronounced for her to recover from.  I come from an undemonstrative family where outward displays of emotion is not acceptable, so crying is not easy for me.  Anger is not permissible either.  I'm sad, and frustrated, and angry, and disappointed.  My relationship with her was imperfect on several fronts, so I am battling regrets that she and I couldn't have understood one another better. I wanted a good relationship with her, but when we were together she was critical and spent her time finding fault with everything I did.  I'm 45 years old, and I still live daily with her voice in my head telling me the things I am doing  wrong.  My heart is breaking that she is gone....and yet I don't completely know why. The last year before her death she had completely written off my younger sister--had taken down all the pictures of her, didn't want any mention of her, nothing.  This past five weeks, the only person she wanted around her was my younger sister.  If I was in the room with her and my sister would show up, she would have me get up and leave so my sister could take my place.  My heart and mind are so conflicted and such a mess of emotions right now.  I go from numb to angry to sad to frustrated to confused to exhausted and back again.  I don't know if this is normal or if I'm crazy or if it's just part of my  crazy dysfunctional family.  It doesn't help that my sister is only happy when she is mad at someone(always me but usually at least one other person, right now it's me and my brother's adult daughter) and so she's being her typical ice queen self.  I hate funerals to begin with.....to feel like I'm going crazy isn't helping me any..........

 

[Everly]

so sorry... this journey is hell in all the right circumstances... well let me back up, there probably are no right circumstances when it comes to .

[cindyjane]

marivdb, I am so sorry for your loss.  I knew absolutely nothing about sick and dying people or the grieving process until I lost my dear mom.  Like your mom, she literally starved to death in the hospital after going in for a routine gal bladder removal.  6 weeks later she was gone.  Even one of the doctors stated that she starved to death in the hospital.  

 

During the 6 week process of her body and organs breaking down (due to malnutrition, she said some things that didn't make much sense to me at the time, but months later I could see that as her body went through the dying process so did her mind.  As the physical body becomes goes through lack of nutrition so does the mind and today I see much of what she said as a part of that process.  I believe that people can become confused and personalities can change during the dying process.  We aren't seeing the healthy person we've known all of our lives.  In coming to this understanding I try not to think too much about those last 6 weeks of my mom's life but rather all of those days and years prior to that hospitalization.  I have some resentments toward the health care system and to this day I don't believe that the caregivers did the best job they could have done for my mom.  This is another thing that I try not to focus on too much because the bottom line is that A) I trusted the health care team who looked after my mom.   I know that today my mom is in Heaven in total rejuvenated health and that is the sole purpose of this life ... for us to eventually go "home" to the Lord.  

 

When I come here I try so hard not to push my beliefs onto others but when we all come here and post, it is about sharing our thoughts and feelings, and that is what I do and these are my thoughts and feelings.  I always hope that in some small way that this helps others going through the heavy loss of a loved one.

 

God Bless you with comfort during this difficult time

Cindy Jane