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Mother suffering from my dads loss


Phd1987

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Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to the forum and really hope there's someone who can relate to my story. My father passed away 15 years ago from a car accident. I was 12 at the time. Since then, my mother has never moved on. As a child I remember I was scared she would date a new man and I was happy that it never happened. But now, 15 years later, I swear I wish she would. She seems stuck in life and doesn't find joy in anything. She doesn't work and as a result has not much to do and serious financial problems. Her children (I am the oldest) are worried sick about her, so much that it's controlling our lives. We have tried to confront her, told her she needs to start doing SOMETHING - go out, walk, work out, anything. But it doesn't seem to help. She has very few people in her life besides her cat - last year our dog died and since then she barely leaves the house. Before she'd walk the dog at least, now all she does is visit the grocery store every now and then. Also, she drinks a lot. We confronted her about this last year because she drank alcohol at 10 in the morning and since then she stopped doing that. She was never drunk or did anything dangerous, but she drank way too much wine.

 

I think all her problems (financial, social) are related to my father's death. I don't think she's ever really dealt with it. She lives alone now - all her children have moved out, so she spends a lot of time on her own. Perhaps that's why it's suddenly hitting her hard. When we were young she had a parttime job, she had some friends, a social life. Now there's nothing and nobody left. We, as her kids, feel responsible but she's so stubborn. She won't accept outside help and I just don't know what to do. It's so sad to visit her and hear the same stories over and over again, often related to my dad, and realise she just hasn't moved on. I'm not saying date someone, but try to move on! In a few years I will probably start having my own children and right now I don't see how I could leave her alone with a baby. Beside her mental health, her physical health isn't great either and nobody really knows why. Like I said, it's probably all related, but what can I do? She won't accept help and this is killing me. I must admit - writing it down already helped. Thanks for reading my story.

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Hi Phd 1987,It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and I,m not sure what to say. It is a difficult situation if your mum refuses help.It sounds like she really could use some proffessional help.Can you talk to her GP maybe and express your concerns?I know how hard mental health problems are. My mum passed in july this year and i have no family other than my schizophrenic brother.I'm single , no friends , no partner and agoraphobic. My brother refuses any help since my mums passing and is living on valium,but there is not much i can do! I guess all you can do is keep trying to get through to her even though it's like beating your had against a brick wall.Sorry i can't be of more help but i wish you luck.

Regards

Lisa K

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Hi Lisa,

 

Thanks so much for reading my post and replying. That already helps :) I am going to try and 'force' her to seek professional help, which she has refused up until now. It's the only way - otherwise I'm going to have to stop coming round because it's really hard on me (and my siblings).

 

Sounds like you also have a lot to deal with! Thanks for taking the time to write to me, it really helps just putting it out there.

 

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Hi Phd, I'm so sorry for what you, your siblings and especially you mom is going through. I have never experienced what you went through, but, it definitely sounds like it has everything to do with your dad's death. Your mom living by herself probably isn't good for her. I know that she don't want help. Maybe try to have your mom move in with one of you for a little while till she gets better. It gets lonely...no one to talk to or share her thoughts. Also, I second Lisa to get professional help. I hope everything works out in the end. I wish you luck.

 

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