Parents dating after death of spouse |:

[Treeisme]

New to forums. Hello. c:

/startrant

It is now coming up ten years since my dad died when I was 13. I am embarassed to admit that I still have barely begun to deal with the grief much less 'let go'. My sincere condolences to those of you also trying to cope with loss, it's a **** time and that's really the only way to describe it.

It seems now like my mum's been dating a while without telling me. Oh ****. Theres been lies, deception etc which isn't really relevant but grr nonetheless.

My problem isn't necessarily with her dating. I honestly, truly want her to be happy and in all fairness I don't actually relish the idea of her being alone after losing her husband of 20+ years at 45. My problem is with the fact that she still wants to be able to call herself my dad's wife and wear her engagement/wedding rings but also be seeing other men. Frankly, I dont want my dad's wife messing around like that.

I am aware that most people will see this as childish and selfish. But to be fair my dad never expected, much less wanted, to go, he would have lived out the rest of his days working hard so that she could have a comfortable life like he always did. There was no mutual agreement that they would separate and see other people. She always used to blather on about how he was her soul mate and she never, ever wanted to be with anyone else. I find it disrespectful and unfair to him and all that sort of thing now is just lip service. It makes me sick to my stomach when she tells me that he'll always be watching over us (Christian family) because if he could see her he'd be sick. If she really wants to do this there is no way I can possibly be near her if she's going to claim any relationship to my dad, beyond him being her late EX husband.

Right now I'm thinking that the best compromise I can make is that she reverts to her maiden name and removes her wedding jewellery. If my dad were alive still and she wanted to see other people she'd presumably do that anyway, and to say that she might want to wear them out of respect for their marriage, well, the whole dating other people thing kinda already dragged that through the mud so |: That might seem a little harsh but this is really the only solution I can think of that will not result in either estrangement from each other or a physical brawl, probably both.

I know I might sound crazy and like I'm not acting my age and I need to let go. Jw if anyone else finds themselves in the same slowly sinking boat? Any pointers on accepting parents dating? I am trying to get over myself but it's not looking good. x:

[ModKonnie]

First of all, I am sorry about the loss of your father.

 

I am certainly no expert, but in all honesty, it is not your business if your mother is dating and wearing her rings. My father has been dead 6 years. My mother wears her rings (she was married for 54 years). She is interested in finding another partner because she doesn't want to live out her remaining years alone. Her rings are her security blanket, and many women feel that way. Your mother's rings are special to her. She, and she alone, will need to decide when to stop wearing them. My mother proudly wore my father's name and will always have that right. Wanting to live and be with someone will never change or diminish the life my parents had together. But my mom is alive and my father isn't. My mom has the right to go forward. So does yours.

 

Yes, it's shocking to think of my mom with someone other than my father. I can't imagine it; however, here's the bottom line: it's her life, her decision, her choice. Because I love my mom, I will support her and welcome any person with whom she decides to start a new life with. He won't be my father, but he can be a friend. And, my mom won't be lonely anymore. If she chooses to wear the rings she has worn for 54 years while she is out dating--they are her rings.

 

Your mother has waited 10 years to begin a new life. She's been honorable and respectful. Her want and need to be with someone else is so normal and natural.

 

I think you need to discuss your disapproval and your severe reaction to your mother moving forward with her life with someone, perhaps a professional. You said you've never actually dealt with your father's death, and perhaps this harsh response is part of that.

 

We will certainly be with you as you work this out,

 

ModKonnie