DEAR MUM

[Lisa k]

Dear mum,

Tuesday next week marks 12 weeks since you've been gone, not that i'm counting or anything. I miss you so very much and the void that has been left by your passing can never be filled. You were one in a million mum and i love you with every fibre of my being.Life has no meaning to me anymore and if i died tomorrow i couldn't care less , infact i welcome it. Everything is just so difficult now you're gone. You know mum your son has had 3 showers only since you died. 3 showers in 12 weeks and he just refuses for me to have one. What do i do , drag him in there by the cock and make him. I can't stand living this way with all his filthy habits. You always had a way of making him get things done, usually by screaming abuse and profanitys. Oh how i have tried this mum , i even told him you would be appalled and he just tells me to f.ck off. He is swallowing valium like it's going out of fashion and i just do not know what to do. Everything is futile , i clean the house and not 5 minutes he has spilled tea or coffee on the floor. He is a f..king pig and i'm sick to death of it. His room looks absolutely squallod let alone the trail of filth that follows him everywhere in the house. F..k this for a joke i never wanted kids but somehow i have ended up with one. I know his illness plays a major part in the way he is but f..k it's hard to live with.You know all this already mum but i have no one to talk to so i vent on this forum .You know 2 days after you died he stole $100 dollars out of my room. He prayed on the fact i was so grief stricken that he thought i wouldn't notice.I went f..king bererk , how could he do that mum right after your passing.I told him he was a f..king arsehole and a liar for denying it. Now i lock my purse in a safe so he can't use that trick again. Oh you know what else mum he actually pawned one of your gold bangles for some smokes. I went f..king ballistic over that incident and now all your precious jewellery is locked in my safe as well.F..k where does it end !!!. Sometimes he can be such a c..t. I promised i would look after him mum but gee it would be nice to have some help around here.Why did you have to die mum ,why couldn't it have been that arsehole that calls himself a father. It should've been that c.nt  not you. All he is, is a sperm donor and a f..king useless one at that.I miss you so very much mum and there is nothing to laugh at anymore. You were everything to me,my best friend.Please mum come and get me so we can be together, it's all i want.

[silverkitties]

Lisa, I know how you feel all too well. We are both alone--and yet not alone. We are stuck with burdens; there's no two ways about it. People who are married and enjoying a somewhat decent relationship have at least some form of a buffer. We, on the other hand, don't--you w/ your brother, me with my dad.  And as such, we feel all the more alone and isolated.

 

My dad showers, but he rarely uses soap, so why bother? The only reason he's started using it is because he's picked up a nasty psoriasis. I told him, dad that's what you get when your room is so phucking filthy and you don't bathe! What kind of jackass Ph.D. are you?" But then again, he comes from an ahole, nasty ass poor family. I have no idea how my genteel mother found this 1" loser even mildly attractive.

 

I used to ask her, "mom were you trying to compete with your friends to see who could marry the dumbest and ugliest moron? You know, a race to the bottom?" My mom had all these wealthy men seeking to marry her, and she married this dumbass schmuck without a freaking penny to his name. His dad was a dumb cop and his mom a dumb teacher. (Really wonder since she obviously did not know how to raise her own brats!) Mom used to say he was "very smart" because he was head of the class. If he's so smart, why's his family so phucking dumb and poor? And what if all his other classmates were even dumber?

 

My mom even paid his way to the US: and he repaid her by cheating on her and sending $$$ to his disgusting folks who actually encouraged him to cheat on her. He sent about $30,000 to them back in the 1970s--a good deal of money. And yet, he didn't have enough to send me to my first-choice college.

 

Whenever mom would say to me, "Why don't you hurry and marry? Why are you so picky?" I'd reply, "cos I don't want to marry someone as reta*ded as your husband. (I hate calling him dad.) We both know his parents should have been sterilized for being stupid and ugly."

 

Your brother sounds like a pain...have you considered social services? I don't know what else to suggest; I've been considering the same for my dad but I'm afraid of getting ripped off since he is so naive. Like you,i f my dad weren't here, this place would be a lot cleaner; as I mentioned the other day, he tracked diarrhea all over the hallway so I had to waste an extra hour cleaning. I have lost my voice from screaming and swearing at him every day; I just cannot abide slow, stupid people who don't bother to learn. I tell him every day he's worse than my undergrads who at least don't make the same mistakes twice.

 

I remember the people from the Taiwanese ASS-ociation used to tell me to be patient with him: this was when he filled out an insurance form correctly even though I told him how! I wanted to scream at the dumb kunt widow,  HOW DARE YOU WHEN YOU DON'T LIVE WITH HIM! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SERVE A MORON WHO'S CHEATED ON YOUR FAMILY!! The fact that I've not wanted to mention that he's cheated on mom makes it that much harder.

 

Anyway, as a fellow griever and sufferer, i'm sending you hugs your way.

[Lisa k]

Dear mum,

I miss you terribly and today i feel so down and full of anxiety. I just need you here with me. I can't get so many images out of my head they feel like they will haunt me for the rest of my days. I'm so sorry mum i screamed at you the day before you died. I was so distraught that morning. It was 4am and i had been up for 48hrs straight. You had what they called terminal agitation except no one told me that, and the last 5 weeks of your life you couldn't sleep much. I was constantly getting up with you because you wanted to get out of bed and sit in your chair on the verandah. I willingly did this but it all took its toll on me, the lack of sleep, the stress, the anxiety, the worry, the constant changing of your pants and washing bedding. Then there was the nightmare of getting all your meds down. You were constantly falling asleep and i would have to hold your head up to get your meds down so you wouldn't choke. Each day you became weaker and weaker and in my head i would yell for godsake mum eat or you will die. Somehow i thought if you just ate then you would live longer but it was futile . The cancer itself destroyed your appetite and in the end you were about 35kg. It was breaking me to watch it and not be able to do a thing about it. Everyday i took you for a walk in the wheelchair, you just wanted to get out of the house and maybe you knew you didn't have long and sometimes i wonder if you started seeing the house as a death house knowing you were going to die in it. Some days i didn't know where to get the energy to push you in the chair , but all i cared about was you and if it killed me so be it. I lost so much weight in those last 6 months 16kg and i just couldn't eat with all the stress and worry. I was so physically and emotionally drained. The last week of your life you could no longer hold your head up you were so week and you spent it looking down at the floor. It distressed me so badly that you couldn't see us and i would get down on the floor in front of you so i could see your face and you could see mine.Oh mum how i hated seeing you like that. You've no idea how it f..ked with my head. You could no longer walk either you were too weak so John and i had to carry  you from your bed to your chair and when we took you for a walk in your chair we carried you down the front stairs. It was so heartbreaking to see i already felt so dead inside just watching you go down hill. Something in me snapped that day before you died. I told you i couldn't take anymore and i screamed for someone to please help me. I could no longer bare to watch you like it and it f..ked with my head so badly i was praying for you to go so i no longer had to watch it. You told me it was time to die and i screamed that i don't want you to die and how if you die i wanted to die too.

I actually punched walls and threw things around and i will never forgive myself for doing it. I saw something change in you that day like something wash over you. Maybe you gave up the will to fight anymore. But i feel as though i killed you mum and that i broke your heart. Never ever will i forget what i did.The next morning i had to call out one of the nurses because you were saying you were in pain so they came out and increased your morphine and gave you madazalam and you went to sleep a few hours later that morning and never woke up. Did the drugs kill you, it's a question that constantly goes through my head. I sat with you all day telling you how much i loved you, and that you were my best friend. I begged you not to leave us, I begged god to take me with you even though we are not religous. I held your hand in mine and i wiped water across your dry lips and you would flinch slightly. You opened your eyes a few times that day but i could see they were glazed, kind of like you had jelly in them and i knew i just knew from looking at your eyes that you were leaving us.I told you many things that day hoping you could hear me. I said how sorry i was that i went ballistic. It was the worst day of my life mum and i will never forget it for as long as i live. Your breathing was all rattly and towards the end you sounded like you were choking. I screamed at John to get in here and he could see you choking on your bottom denture, they were so loose from all the weight you'd lost. He yanked them out of your mouth and you died seconds later. The worst moment ever. We watched you turn grey and it was horrible and i hope you were not aware in those final moments. It makes me sick just wondering if in those last minutes you felt anything. July 14th at exactly 8.55pm you took your final breath. It will haunt me forever mum.

I couldn't even cry thats how dead i feel inside. I wish i could cry mum but i feel like everything is locked so tight inside me and i don't know how to get it out. All i can do is write you letters in the hope maybe it will release some emotions.

I talk to your ashes and i even put them by my pillow hoping i can feel you close. You promised if you could find a way to let me know you were with me you would. Please mum find that way,i need you so bad and i just want to feel you here.

I haven't even dreamed of you and i wish i could so at least i can see you for awhile in a dream. I must be so dead inside that i can't even dream of you. I hate that you're gone, i hate this empty house , most of all i hate that i will never get to see you again.

I LOVE YOU MUM FOR AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH

 

LOVE LISA XXXOOO

 

[Everly]

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[Lisa k]

Dear Mum,

I'm so fucking angry today,everything seems to be annoying me and i just want to smash something.I even looked at a photo of you and said **** you.Why did you have to leave why.There is absolutely nothing to look forward to, just a big void the size of this planet.I wished it was me that died and not you, i would've swapped in a heartbeat.do you remember when i used to say if something ever happened to you i would want to die? And you used to say if something happened to me you'd rather be dead? Well now your DEAD and all i want is to be with you.Screw everything i'm so pissed off right now. The house is a filthy pig sty thanks to John and i'm sick and fucking tired of the filth everywhere. You used to go ballistic at him for all the mess he would leave lying around, not that it did any good, it falls on deaf ears.He won't fucking get a shower for me, it's been weeks and weeks.I can imagine the words you would say to him but i just can't be arsed with screaming at him.I'm tired all the time, i can't sleep well anymore. I wish i could dream of you mum, at least see you in my dreams but i haven't had one dream about you.**** **** **** i'm over everything!!!

[Everly]

.

[silverkitties]

Lisa, I know all too well....I am still so angry myself. It feels like all the right people die and the wrong ones don't. Eve is right; it's still very fresh for you. It's still hurts a lot for me, and it's been over a year.

 

I can empathize with your frustrations about your brother...it's hard enough to get our own lives straight, let alone tend so much more than we're used to. That's how I feel with the mess in my house too. At least when my parents were in Taiwan, this places was somewhat messy, but not overwhelmingly so. And definitely not filthy. My dad has made it much worse for me.

 

I don't remember the first time I had a dream about my mom after she died...but it seemed that I had more and more of them after 3-4 months. It can be strange tho. Sometimes I ended up feeling more heartbroken when I had a nice dream about suddenly finding mom again, like in a mall. Or that she was back after a long absence. Then other times I dreamt that we were making traveling arrangements. I'd wake up thinking shoot....it was all a dream. My life is as miserable as ever.

 

I hope you feel better....and I'd like to see more of your poems when you are ready.

[Lisa k]

EVE and SILVER, I don't so much mind mess as long as it's a clean mess.I don't expect to live in a sterile environment but my bro drives me nuts.Everytime he leaves the kitchen there is something spilt and just left. He will get up in the night and make food and in the morning there is crumbs and crap everywhere. I can spend a whole day cleaning the place and not even a hour and there will be spilt tea or coffee all through the hall. My mum used to go nuts swearing at him, she would always say there was a trail of filth where ever he went and it's true. We would even make him clean the whole house sometimes in the hope he might keep it clean.

EVE in answer to your question, my brother has gone weeks without getting a shower and it's just disgusting.It has become worse since my mother died so i guess part could be grief.I know it's not uncommon behaviour with his illness though. Sometimes when my mum told him to get in the shower he would pretend by running the water but she always knew because he never smelt fresh.I've seen her march him back in there along with some choice language LOL . Christ who needs kids!!

I'm glad your all here and glad this forum even exists. It's like having an online diary that answers back Lol.

[Lisa k]

I feel like a volcano inside waiting to erupt, like hot lava bubbling away inside, waiting to go bang.

FUK you for dying, FUK you for marrying that pussywhipped motherfuker loser that should be here giving us his support and helping with his mentally ill son.

I WOULD LIKE TO TEAR HIM A NEW ARSEHOLE AND I PRAY SOMEDAY HE REGRETS WHAT HE HAS DONE. I HOPE YOU DIE A SLOW DRAWN OUT DEATH YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PISS WEAK , SPINELESS, SHITHOUSE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING.

YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE CRETIN. I'M GLAD YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP EACH DAY TO THAT UGLY AS A HATFUL OF ARSEHOLES THING YOU CALL YOUR WIFE. SUCK ****!!!!!!!!

 

I'M SO ANGRY AT WHAT JOHN HAS DONE AND I FEEL SO ALONE IN TRYING TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING.

FUK EVERYTHING

 

[Everly]

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[silverkitties]

Lisa, LET IT RIP!! 

 

I know TOO WELL just how you feel. Even today, my voice is hoarse from yelling constantly. 

 

I've noticed a pattern here amongst those of us posting regularly in this particular section. All of us are deeply attached to our moms. And all of us seem to have either missing fathers and/or fathers we resent. I guess you belong to both categories; MSN and Eve have deceased fathers (MSN's was a real ahole as she puts it), while I belong to the latter category. Without our moms, we are truly orphanned. 

 

The fact that our moms are not here for us to complain to exacerbates everything. Not to mention the absence of friends and relations nearby; or really, so few we can confide in.  I feel like I am facing so many of the challenges you are: having to do deal w/ a father who makes a mess everywhere, is barely sanitary, and creates additional work for me on a daily basis. I feel like I'm increasingly floundering which is why I've not been here a whole lot these last 2 weeks. 

 

Yesterday, after telling my dad NOT to use the microwave, he did just that--and splattered hot chocolate everywhere. I had to spend an extra 30 minutes cleaning. I'm trying to make him go to bed earlier so he doesn't get up so late that it disrupts my schedule, but he refuses to cooperate. I have to yell at him EVERY NIGHT. What stings is that he cooperates with others--but he's only taken me and my mom for granted. 

 

I resent that when he dies, I'll have to waste money on his cremation. He should be dumped in a river and be picked apart by the buzzards. I know for sure I refuse to write him an obituary. If I do it will say "X killed his wife. He was a terrible father, professor, and researcher." LOSER. 

[Lisa k]

Why the fuk is life so hard.As if dealing with grief is not enough!!!!!!!!!

My brother is digging himself into a financial whole.He is so addicted to nicotine he has a $50 a day habit.For anyone that has never had to experience mental illness,it is difficult to comprehend just how hard it is for both sufferer and those around them.His behaviour is typical for alot of schizophrenic patients.I found out he has borrowed $1000 plus I have found pawn tickets for power tools that did not only belong to him but me also.I have no idea where the money has gone but he is a compulsive spender also.

I went through his room when he went out a few days ago to find out why he has no money and found out why.I cannot believe he has done this and I am livid as well as feeling let down by him.I've been on the phone to my psychologist in absolute tears as to what to do.

My brother is totally unaware I know what he has been doing and I've yet to confront him on it.On one hand if he knows I've been through his room I can't keep tabs on what he's doing but at the same time what he has done is unacceptable and he needs to know I am onto him. Here in oz our mental health system is failing and unless he is psychotic there is not much help available.He is not even under a psychiatrist . Now I'm am forced to go speak with his gp to see if he can help in some way.

I know many people hate smokers and figure they deserve what they get,and I guess that is true seeing as my mother died from it. If I die from it too so be it.Despite my mum dying from a self inflicked illness I still love and miss her but at the same time I really don't expect to recieve much empathy for her death.

[MayFGL]

Lisa, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's not fair to you that you don't have you mother there with you to help out and your father is out of the picture. I wish there was someone that can help you.

 

Silverkitties has a very good point. "The fact that our moms are not here for us to complain to exacerbates everything. Not to mention the absence of friends and relations nearby; or really, so few we can confide in." I feel that. I don't have friends anymore. Friends used to call me....not anymore. I text my "best" friend several times, she doesn't text back. I even called, but, doesn't pick up. She told me recently, what time is best to call her, so, I did. Didn't pick up. I'm tired of reaching out. F#####g tired!

[silverkitties]

Lisa, perhaps you can say to your brother, "I was looking for [X] but managed to discover that you...."  That way, he'll think that you only went into his room to find something--a dish, keys, cigarettes, etc.--and won't think you were just there "snooping." You can also tell your brother that you are very concerned about finance. (Incidentally, this is something my dad does not get either!) 

 

Anyone who doesn't have sympathy for you or your mom because she smoked is heartless. First, not everyone who smokes dies of lung cancer. Secondly, there is so much more to a person's identity than smoking. Thirdly, cancer can strike us regardless of apparent health: should I feel that it was OK for my mom to die just because she was genetically predisposed to GI cancer (her aunts, mother, and a sister)? Lastly, and most importantly, your mom was someone who loved you--and you loved her. No one has any business making judgments about how you should feel about her! 

 

MSN--is this friend you mentioned married, in a relationship, or has kids or people who love her? Very few understand when they still have others around them.  

[Lisa k]

MSN,sorry your friend has let you down so badly to the point you no longer feel you can be bothered . sometimes I wonder if people stop to consider how others may feel. She's your best friend and yet can't make time to talk with you.I would feel the same way about reaching out too. There's only so many times before you just feel like fuk it.

[Lisa k]

Dear Mum,

It's xmas eve and my heart feels so heavy and I feel so alone.This time last year was filled with such fear as none of us knew how bad the cancer was.I clung to hope it was curable,how could I even consider any other outcome.People told me I had to be strong for you but I was a cotcase from the moment we found out you had cancer.I was inconsolable and wondered how I was supposed to stay strong.

You were always such a strong person but I have never felt that strong or brave and feel I let you down.Little did we know what was coming!I cannot do xmas this year mum,I feel to heartbroken and lonely and empty.I do not want to hear the neighbours all happy and laughing and celebrating,this sounds horrible I know but I cannot find any cheer inside me.

I miss you every minute of everyday and can't wait to be with you mum.I hope that is soon because this void that is left will be inside me forever.

I tell people I'm doing fine even though it so far from the truth.All I feel is numb and like my soul is crushed but I put on a fake smile,a fake laugh,a fake cheer but I feel none of it.

Tomorrow all I want for xmas is to be with you,nothing else,nothing more.

 

[MayFGL]

Dearest Mom,

 

How do I start? Merry Xmas where ever you may be. Can you hear me? I miss you mom. I love you mom. It has been 9 months since you've left us. My life seems darker without you here. Why did you have to leave so soon? You didn't get to see your great grandkids grow up and start school. Sophia, Janessa and Aden often ask about you. Where is Bok Bok? I tell them that BokBok is in heaven. Where is heaven they ask? I point to the sky. 

 

As I write this letter, I have tears rolling down my face. I'm just thinking about the things that I didn't get to tell you as you were lying in hospice. I didn't tell you because I just had no idea what to say to you, but, that I love you. Now, I want to THANK YOU for understanding me...for being my best friend....for being my adviser. Mom can you hear me?

 

You have overcame so many hardships to provide for us. I just spoke to big brother the other day and he was telling me how you kept the family together back in China despite all the hardships. He said you used to skipped so many meals because we were poor and had no money. You would sacrifice so much. How you took beatings from dad. I hate him. I just cried when big bro was telling me. 

 

I just want to say THANK YOU MOM! I think everything that you did made you a very strong woman. I will never forget all that you did for us. I'm always thinking about you. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. Mom can you hear me? I LOVE YOU.

[Lisa k]

Msn,what a lovely heartfelt letter to your mum.Will we ever get over the loss?

[MayFGL]

I just didn't know how to start writing the letter to mom, Lisa. It seems as if I were lost for words. My heart knows what to say, but, I have such a hard time spitting out my words. 

[ikaros]

every time I visit you my heart breaks all over again, for me, for you, for us all...

[Everly]

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[Marivdb]

Dear mom.

I wish our family weren't so emotionally dry and all of this could have been said before you were gone.

I loved you all of my life. I know I often wasn't the daughter you wished I would be, but I hope you know that I always tried my very best to do everything I could to please you. And that each and every time I failed it was like a knife in my heart.

I forgive you for being too busy visiting with Jeremy's parent's to notice that he was molesting me in the bedroom upstairs. And for being angry with me for writing out the experience so that I didn't have to carry it in my heart any longer. I forgive you for not getting me any help to deal with the consequences of that abuse.

I forgive you for the decades of body shaming. For the years of telling me that I wasn't beautiful enough, that I was too fat( even though I was barely average weight), that I couldn't compare to everyone else. I forgive you for feeding into the monster that every girl is already born with that tells her she isn't good enough instead of telling me that I was your beautiful talented daughter....someone that I now know I am. Someone I wish you had told me I was.

I forgive you for wanting to abandon me after my rape. I know that the pregnancy that resulted was an embarrassment to dad's ministry, but compassion would have been what Jesus would have done. Wanting to send me away was cruel. I was hurting and afraid and confused and the last thing I needed was to be far away from my family and friends and routine. I am glad that by that time I had begun to stand up for myself a little and I told you and dad no.

I thank you for taking me in after Crit was born. I could have done it on my own, but it would have been difficult, and it was much easier because you allowed me to come home. You were a good Grandma to my children. They loved you. I'll always be thankful for that.

I thank you for spending time with me one on one....sometimes that was nice. I wish it was always. I always loved you....I miss you every day....I wish things had been easier for us. I can tell you that I learned how to be an amazing mom from you...just not the way you thought I would. My kids think I'm the best mom in the world....and that makes me so proud....so I guess in the long run it all works out.....

I love you.

[Lisa k]

Marianne, I'm sorry you have had a lot to deal with in your life,but I want you to know how brave you are putting it out there. You certainly have nothing to be ashamed of for what happened to you.I can't even begin to imagine how you got through this especially as your mum wasn't very supportive. You are stronger than you think and also thanks for sharing here with all of us.

Big hug to you

Lisa

[Marivdb]

Thank you, Lisa for a place where I could be honest with my mom and myself......it was a start...a beginning of the healing process. I love my parents, I truly do, but our relationship has been an exercise in forgiveness over the years....primarily forgiveness without an apology having been offered first. 

 

[mariesgirl1953]

Dear mam

I miss you so much beyond belief it hurts. The gaping deep hole in me heart can never be filled. Yesterday when I was with the medium I found out your extremely happy where you are. And I'm grateful that you're no longer in pain. I need ya mam. Everyday is an absolutel struggle without you. Your only grandson misses your beyond belief just like me and da. Da is doing ok as he has a great support of people around him. When I found out you had died - my whole world changed forever and can NEVER be what it once was. I have started smoking again because I know if I give up I'll turn to worse things drugs alcohol and I don't want to do that. I need sleeping pills or something to help me sleep or even something to get me out of bed in the mornings... If I died tomorrow I wouldn't have a care in the world. And if I could down a bottle of pills ill gladly do it. But I can't - cause of F cause of Da and everyone else in the family. So for me I'll just suffer in silence. It's the easiest way. People say children help you through grief. But do they? In my experience over the last 4 months children don't help at all. When you died - I didn't even get so much as a day by myself. I'm constantly with my son while my OH goes to work, comes home. Sleeps. Or goes to the pub. I clean etc. I can't face cooking for me and himself right now. And tbh I don't care. He's a chef he can bring stuff home. Obviously I cook for my son and for the near future that all who I will he cooking for. If anyone has a problem with it (family members) they can gladly stop speaking to me. No one seems to acknowledge anymore just how I'm feeling - its like there sayin "its nearly been 5 months, you have to learn to live with it' how can I? I'm going to brevemeant counselling and I know I'll have to continue going as my head is so fked right now... I can't live without ya mam. I'm going to the doc prob on Tuesday for something to help me sleep I need something I love and miss you dearly so much. I'm a mess without u Xxx