Both parents died, I'm running away and lost myself

[Jigsaw88]

Hi all,

 

This is the story of my past 9 years, coping with the loss of my parents.

 

First my dad suddenly passed away in 2006. The cause of death was a cerebral aneurysm. It was early in the morning and I woke up by the screaming voice of my mother, whom found my dad unresponsive in the bathroom. After spening 9 hours in the hospital we finally knew he suffered this severe stroke, and after hearing that they send us home. Telling us he is out of danger and stable. So we felt pretty releived.

When we got home, the phone rang and we we're to return, things were not looking well. When we arrived at the hospital they basically asked us to stop the life supporting machines beceause there was nothing they could do. My dad had been unresponsive ever since, so there hasn't been a moment to say goodbye. 

 

A week later, I went into military service, I thought this would make me stronger, not showing my grief. Boy have I been wrong. I dropped out, went to college to get a degree, dropped out again, found another study, dropped out again. It was 2009, almost 3 years later that I found out what I really wanted again. The reason I dropped out so much was the fact I could not concentrate. I found everything else, except college, more interesting. I had a girlfriend, great hobby's in which I totaly went up and lost myself.

 

Two years later, 2011, my girlfriend left me. She said I had become very distant and always 'that same guy' who never finishes his school (she graduated at the time she broke up with me). I was devestated. But I managed to work on myself, it was in this period I could grieve and confront myself with the important things in life. I got my sh*t back together and got motivated again. College went great! Beginning 2012, I even found the love of my life! 

 

Our relationship was great, gradually making future plans, everything seemed great untill august 2013..

 

We went on a holiday to Switzerland (the last holiday we went to as a complete family). On the second day, my brother called me: my mom was in the hospital becease she suffered a cardiac arrest....I packed our gear and went home.

The cause: my mom broke her leg 11 weeks before all this happened. After 6 weeks, she was told her leg hadn't sufficienly healed, so another 6 weeks in plaster. But, she could stop injecting against thrombose. You can guess what happened: she got thrombose a week before her plaster could be removed. This thrombose led to a double pulmonary embolism, which led to an oxygen shortage, which led to a cardiac arrest. This cardiac arrest evntually led to an anoxic brain injury, basically my mom went into a coma. The next weeks were absolutely life draining. She had been unresposive too, only hope we had was when she openened her eyes. But the doctors hadn't much hope. It was really a day-to-day diagnosis, every single day. Three weeks later, my mother died beceause her organs started to fail, we littarely witnessed the life being drained from her. Her pulse and heartrate getting weaker and weaker by the minute. 

 

We had just learned to cope with my fathers passing away, then this added up. I think this has left me really traumatized. I'm btw the oldest of three sons. Again, I made the same mistake, I ran away from the pain again. I just started as a graduate intern. But after a year of severe stress I dropped out. Being the oldest put some more stress on me beceause I had to deal with day-to-day tasks my mother would normally do. But with my mother gone too, it became easier for me to run away, which I did. I moved out of my parents house. When I got my own place (about a year ago), I became preoccupied with running away, this had become my daily task. Adding up the fact that my psychologist told me: everyone is different, do what makes you happy. This is where I fled in hobby's, porn and lust.

This got me to the point where I even cheated on my girlfriend, the love of my life. It made me absolutely sick. I swore never to cheat beceause we both know how it was to get cheated on. I made a terrible mistake and there is no excuse for cheating. I just felt very very lonely and depressed beceause I dropped out on a class again, it was all very depressing. I have betrayed my girl, and betrayed myself. Deep down I knew this had nothing to do with sex, or my girl for that matter! It was just that type of attention I was looking for, a filling for that emotional gap I was feeling. Easing the pain. But ofcourse, when you get cheated on, it's hard to beleive. Even I couldn't explain why I did it. Until she broke up with me last month. It is only now, when it's too late, you start realising what actually happened. I'm a proffesional runner from pain. How easy is it, to just not give in to the pain and let someone else or your hobby's fix your problems. There is something that tells me I didn't cheat, I just lost myself in the pain. Not only have I hurt her, I hurt myself too. I really beleive I became someone else, that's why this hurts as twice as you would expect.

 

I'm completely lost...

 

p.s. I wrote this story in a letter to my (ex)girlfriend, she then responded she would perhaps talk about it in some time.

[ModKonnie]

Jigsaw,

I am so sorry about the loss and trauma you've suffered and the lost relationships. I would suggest that you truly consider some professional counseling or at the very least an emotional support group to deal with your pain, your loss and your struggle with running from things. I'm sure there is a reason for it, and once you figure it out, you may be able to counter it with appropriate responses.

 

So, what are you doing now? Are you going back to school? Working? What are your plans at this moment for moving forward?

 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

[Everly]

.

[Jigsaw88]

Jigsaw, I'm so sorry  It's just too much damn pain.  You did your best with what you had.  Suffering those two losses so close together is extremely traumatic.  What's done is done, and you can move forward from here.  Having this pain is very hard on relationships.  It has been hard on my marriage.  Please don't beat yourself up about things.  Hopefully your girlfriend will come around and maybe discuss this with you and you two can move forward.  I am hoping that for you.

 

We all make mistakes.  It happens.  We forgive ourselves and move forward, at least we try.  About 13 years ago, I was working at a great job making great money and my career was at an all time high.  I reconnected with a boyfriend who I dated in my 20's for five years.  We had broken up then and he later married and then divorced.  When we reconnected 15 years later, I thought it was fate, I was so happy!!  I quit my great paying job and great career, moved out of town and moved in with him.. and within 6mo, it was an absolute disaster.  I know had to find a place to live with no job and I absolutely hated myself.  I couldn't find work that was close to what I was doing.  I was rejected over and over and over, it was so damn depressing.  I had it all and threw it all away.  I sat on my Mom's couch and cried so much and I will never forget what she told me.  She said "oh Eve, you are not the first girl to give up everything for a man, and you won't be the last'.  Stop beating yourself up about it. It will be okay."  I'll never forget how supportive she was to me while I healed from that devastating nightmare.  Not only did my dreams and hopes of marrying this guy get thrown the trash, my career was in the garbage as well.  ... but within a year, I was back working at a great job, and I bought my own place and things go better... and 6 years later at the age of 46 I met my husband and got married at 50, my first marriage!!  I know my story does not compare to losing your Mom and Dad... but I can empathize with making choices that don't work and beating yourself up over them

 

Just keep talking and working with others about your pain.  I truly believe you have to feel this pain in order to heal.  My Mom will be gone one year in 15 days and it has been the most painful year of my life.  ... but when the waves come, I put on the strong face and I feel that pain, and believe me it hurts.  I do believe it you don't feel it, it will come back later.

 

I hope I have helped a little.  Please come and joins us in the daily chat above... the first post on this forum.  There are some people on there that chat daily.  Maybe we can help ease the pain.

Hugs

 

Eve

Hi Eve, I have outlined a text in bold that couldn't describe my situation better. I've always ran away from grief and pain. I never learned to cope with it myself. I let others beam the motivation in me, and that's beceause it's the easy way of dealing with pain. I never got the chance to feel all alone and make the best out of it for MYSELF. And that has to change now. I must cope with all the losses by myself, so I can give it a place somewhere. In that way: I won't be looking for that piece of love that no one but myself can give. 

 

So I have to let go of my (ex)girlfriend in order to deal with it myself, but in the end, I hope the benefits will be twofold. She is kinda forgiving and she told me that she perhaps would talk about it in a time. 

 

I'm sorry for your mom, and in a way it's a good thing that you feel the pain, it makes you cope with it at the same time.

 

Thank you for all your kind words, it really makes me emotional. And that's been a long time..

[Jigsaw88]

Jigsaw,

I am so sorry about the loss and trauma you've suffered and the lost relationships. I would suggest that you truly consider some professional counseling or at the very least an emotional support group to deal with your pain, your loss and your struggle with running from things. I'm sure there is a reason for it, and once you figure it out, you may be able to counter it with appropriate responses.

 

So, what are you doing now? Are you going back to school? Working? What are your plans at this moment for moving forward?

 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

thank you for your reply. I'm currently going back to school to finish my degree yes. In the meantime, I sleep at my elderly house (where my brother lives too), so I can be confronted with the loss again.