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Have you felt like me?


Kristensx

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Hi,

 

I'm Kristen and I am 20 years old and I have been suffering with depression ever since the loss of my father and it is consuming my life.

 

I lost my father two years ago from stage 4 lung cancer. I still remember perfectly as my mother walked down the driveway with tears in her eyes.. She didn't have to say anything I had already knew by the look on her face it was cancer, something I have feared my whole life. I instantly dropped to the ground and started bawling my eyes out, it was a horrible day. You see when I was a child (and to this day) death has always been terrifying to me. The thought of losing my parents was something I could simply not deal with. I would even lay in bed late at night hoping that my parents had their air bags turned on, and on numerous occasions I would lay in bed crying worried that something had happened to my father because he was an hour late coming home from his usual 11pm shift (I would stay up until I heard him come home). As you can see, this was constantly on my mind as a child. I would always tell them how I never wanted them to die and they were constantly reassuring me that they would be around for a long time. I took this very seriously, it was something that I had strongly believed in. For a while I stopped worrying, nothing could touch us, we're invinscible. These things happen to other people, not me. In 2012  at the age of 17, I was horribly mistaken..My father had been diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to his brain. The image of sitting on the bed in the hospital room crying on my fathers shoulder while the doctor told me and my family we only have 4-6 months of time left with him is forever burned in my head. My father was a smoker and that was always something that bothered me. I always had a feeling that my father was not going to be around when I got older, that he would not see me graduate, wed, or start a family. I have always felt a very deep connection with my father and I had often felt we were one in the same. 4 months before being diagnosed I cried to my boyfriend about how my father was going to die of lung cancer, I KNEW he would. My father had been showing NO signs of illness at this point in time, I could just feel it. Everyone thought I was crazy and again reassured me that everything was going to be OKAY and my father will be fine and live a long healthy life. I'm not sure why I experienced this as a child but it was something that I constantly felt deep inside. One week ago while sitting and chatting with my mom, she revealed to me that my father had always felt the same. He would always tell her when I was a baby that he feared he wouldn't be there to see me grow up, it was something that he had also worried about. This goes to show you just how connected a father and daughter can be, true love at its finest. Anyways now that you know a bit of my back story let me move on to how the loss has impacted my life. Against the odds my father was able to survive an entire year with almost full cognitive function 9 months in (a true blessing). After new years, our wonderful year was over. Things steadily went downhill and I knew that this was going to be the end. He passed away at 11pm on March 5th 2013 and I will never, ever forget the moments watching him take his last breathe..watching him lay there like he was just sleeping and nothing was wrong. Ever since he passed away my perception on life has been completely distorted, what I see now is a life of hoplessness that ends in death. Everything I do now revolves around thinking about death. When I am in a happy situation I think about how these people are probably going to die soon, or what if that person got hit by a car tomorrow, I look for death in everything. I am constantly worried about myself getting cancer, and I am slowly becoming a hypochondriac if i'm not already one. I'm angry.. all the time. I hate life but I don't.. I would never kill myself, that is something I would never do to my family. Hurting myself is a different story. Since my father passed away Ive gotten so overwhelmed that I had actually thrown myself down a 12 foot later, twice. I also purposely threw myself down a flight of stairs at my school as well... my logic being that I would rather be hurt and in a hospital than dealing with what was going on in my life. It has now been a year since I've done something drastic like that.. I see it as progress but my mind is still in a horrible state. This morning my fathers hat was on the speaker in the livingroom and it instantly brought tears to my eyes..I wore in and layed in bed bawling my eyes out for an hour until I was able to calm down. Seeing photos of him brings instant sadness upon me. If I see someone in public that looks like him, I have a feeling of almost wanting to hold them and have them hug me so I could pretend. I think about everyday how I wish I could see him just one more time. What gets to me is that alot of the memories I have of him, are when he was sick and unwell. I have feelings of regret for not paying more attention and taking in more when I was around him, and making more memories. I have dreams that he had come back from the dead and its all a mis understanding. So tell me... have you felt like this and how did you get over it. My bond with my father was so deep that my life has literally been flipped upside down since his death, I've become a morbid, negative, miserable person. How can two years have passed and yet a single thought of him makes me cry, it's a horrible feeling that I have never experienced before ( It was my first death). I feel I have coped so negatively (excessive use of marijuana, alcohol, painkillers) I was never this person before. I was a happy teenage girl who kept up her good grades. I still am able to study nursing after taking a year off after throwing myself down the ladder.. but my motivation is gone, I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Do you ever ask yourself what is the point? We are all going to die. Everything around us dies. My father was such a huge loss that I hoenstly feel like the loss of my Mother would kill me. Please help me, these thoughts are consuming my life and I don't know how to pull myself out of this hole.

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Hi Kirstensx, i'm sorry for your loss and that you feel like you do. I feel i can totally understand. My mum just died 14 july 2015 from lung cancer that had spread to her liver ,pancreas, adrenal gland,base of her spine and finally her brain. She was a life long smoker and i used to fear she would get cancer too. She first started getting sick october 2014 and by december our gp sent her for a ct scan. On the 11th december exactly 2 weeks before xmas she was told she had cancer. It was the worst day ever hearing those words. Of course we had no idea then what the primary cancer was. We had to wait 6 long weeks to see an oncologist which i thought was just appalling. Last xmas was torture wondering if it would be the last one and deep down in my gut i felt it was. I'm 41 and i have a brother 44 that has schizophrenia. I remember begging him to make an effort because i said to him this might be the last. He slept all day made no effort whatsoever. I was so angry and hurt that he did that. I tried so hard to give my mum a pleasant day but it all ended with me breaking down crying. I was terrified of her dying and being left alone.She was everything to me and life without her is not worth it . The 27th january this year was one of the worst days of my life. It was the day we saw the oncologist and the day we were told it was terminal. I will never forget that day as long as i live it will be forever etched in my mind. As soon as i heard those words i exploded into tears that were uncontrolable while my dear mother sat there so strong and brave digesting what she had been told.After more scans it was revealed she had lung cancer with mets . It wasn't in her brain then and she decided to do chemo to buy her some time with us.MY beautiful strong mum who was so ill and watching poison going through her veins in the hope it would give her more time. But it didn't help and i wished she never did it.By around march she needed a walker to get around she was so weak and the cancer in her spine made it difficult. Another month later i bought her a wheelchair to make life easier for her. It's just a well cause she could barely walk by then she was so frail.Fast forward to june the queens birthday long weekend and she became abusive and out of control. She wasn't making sense so i called an ambulance. She called me everything under the sun for taking her to hospital but i knew something was wrong. I sat in emergency til 4.30 am waiting for ct scan results that revealed the cancer had spread to her brain.It was the most devestating blow and i sat numbly while being told this.My mother had no idea because she was so out of it she had to be sedated for being so agitated. She was admitted to oncology ward and two days later we were told there was nothing more they could do.Basically we brought her home to die. I will never forget that day as long as i live being sent home and knowing she had only a few weeks at best. She died exactly 5 weeks to the day after being discharged.Watching her deteriorate so rapidly broke me and watching her take that last breath destroyed me forever. All i want now is to die and be with her. I smoke too and hope it takes me soon. All i can say is you have come to the right place. You are not alone in this feeling and all the people here are amazing.

lots of love

 

Lisak

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