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I'm only 37 and I lost my father in January, he was the last surviving of my immediate family


KjoG

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It's been a long haul for me, and I guess I'm just hoping that there is someone here who truly understands this pain. I have had more losses in my 37 years than most people endure in a lifetime. As a teenager I lost my mother and all my grandparents, friends along the way and aunts and uncles and then in January of 2013 we lost my Mother in law (whom I had as long as I had my own mother), and found out that we couldn't have children. In December of 2013, my sister died tragically and unexpectedly with no medical reason or answers. She was only 42, and then just over a year later in January of this year my father passed suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 67. I found him in his kitchen and couldn't save him. He was everything to me. We were very close and talked about everything and now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I thought he'd be here forever. In addition to the grief and images in my mind that I am trying to deal with, I've been left to deal with his entire estate and the legalities of it have been a nightmare. I am blessed to have a wonderful, caring, compassionate, and understanding husband but even though these were all losses for him also, I don't think he truly understands when I say I feel so lonely. He takes that personal. I love him and our marriage, but outside of him and our home there is nothing or no one left. No joy. No one to have holidays with, no birthday celebrations or otherwise. No one to carry traditions on with. I don't know where this path is supposed to take me, or even what the point is now. It feels personal. It feels like punishment. I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel this pain in order to understand, but if you're here and you're reading this, please reach out. Maybe we could help each other. I know people (friends) mean well when they try to give advice or say that they 'could imagine' what I'm going through, but the truth is that they don't have the first clue. Thank you for reading and listening.

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KjoG, I am so sorry to hear about loss--and even sorrier to learn that you've encountered so much of it over the years. It's just not fair. And it's even worse when other issues--like dealing with the estate--are heaped on top of it. I felt the same way too: my mother handled all the finances and my dad knows nothing about them. In addition to dealing with this, I had to take care of him, do all the cleaning and organization--plus getting my own work done and caring for my cats.   I don't know how complicated his estate is or how the laws are in Ohio, but I know that in CT, we are able to get extensions for another six months. Would that help at all?

 

You are fortunate to have your husband. Have you discussed your sense of loneliness with him? Can you ask for a half hour of this time--say that it means a lot to you to discuss it and that you're generally pleased that he's been so understanding so far?

 

Sometimes people may be hesitant to raise the issue because they're afraid they might upset you. I know I was like that with some of my friends, but I was always glad to discuss their loss when they did bring it up.  There's nothing worse than grieving all alone. It's helped me plenty to write about my mom here as I did on one of my threads; otherwise, I think I might have gone off the deep end.

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Hugs LjoG ... I am so sorry about your losses, and you've been through many.  I lost both of my parents in less than a year and felt like an orphan, still do.  I often ask, how much can a person take?  I don't know the answer to that other than we are still here and muddling through all of the feelings that go along with these losses.  It's been a year now for me with no parents and although the sadness, feelings of loneliness and missing them so much is still there, as time goes on I am able to see the things to be grateful for.  We've been blessed in having these special people as our family and that is what I am able to see now.  It doesn't take away the fact that they are not with us anymore, but it lightens the heart when we can see the blessings.  Not sure if this makes sense ... just what has helped me along this journey they call life.  

Also, I so want to honour my parents in being the best person I can be.  They were hard workers, yet lived life to the fullest.  They were loving, kind and fun people.  I want to be what they were and try every day to live life how they lived.  That is the way I am being led to honour them.

 

Please keep coming back and sharing your thoughts and feelings.  The good people here are so supportive.

 

take care

Cindy Jane

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Dear KjoG,

I can relate to you. I am very sorry for all your losses. You have gone through a lot of tragedies far too young. I do not know why some of us "deserve" so many terrible disasters as a teenager and young adult while others just sail through life happily and deaths in their family happen only when they "should" happen.

As for me, I am 34,I lost my dad's father when I was 9. My mother's father who I dearly loved died when I was 22. First death that really hit me. 6 months after my dear Father commited suicide due to depression. I was devastated. I think his death triggered my brother's depression who since father's death has become an agressive, unhelpful, paranoid crazy guy.

I lost my Father's mother 3 years ago. My Father's parents were not so close to me as they lived a bit far ftom us and we did not meet very often. But still, I loved my Father's mom.

And the worst tragedy of my life happened 9 weeks ago. My beautiful, dear, sweet, innocent, strong Mother died suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep. It was me who found her in the morning. Im just devastated, lost, lonely, alone. I feel so so soryy for her, she was only 59, with full of energy, plans for future. She was such a sweetheart, so generous, giving positive energy to everyone around her. She was a teacher in a kindergarten, recently become retired and was looking forward to the future with me, with my "family". I have a boyfriend (47), we have been together for 3 years and I am pregnant, due in 2 weeks time approx. But since I lost my Mother, I care neither my boyfriend nor the baby. It might sounds awful for you or anyone who reads this but I would give all the people, friends, boyfriend, baby in exchange for my mother. If I only had her in my life I would be the happiest person in the world. My Mom was my everything to me. My Mother's Mom is still alive, we are very close, but she is 81 and I am sure she wont be able to cope for long after losing her daugther. I have a godfather (Mom's brother) who doesnt give a s**t about me, my godmother left my country 5 years ago, they are separated, I havent spoken to her since she left, so she also gives a s**t. My Mom's cousin, my aunt, she used to come over few times per week until my Mom's death, she is alone, no family, but she rich. She only cares about money. She is obese. She only came ovet to eat here. Every sunday lunch and other nights too. Since Mother is gone she has not showed up. She used to come here just to suck the energy of Mum and just to talk about her problems for hours stealing my diligent Mother's time. So she doesnt give a f..k about me, my brother or her godmother (Mom'smom) since my Mother's death.

I am sorry to read that you cannot have children. You know if I was not pregnant now I would never want a baby, no, not without my Mom. I may have already committed suicide even though I thought I would never be able to do such thing.

So yes, I still have my sweet grandmother, but not for long I know. And after the delivery I will move for good to the town of my boyfriend, so grandmom and me will not be able to see each other a lot, she wont be there to help me with the baby and most importantly to receive some joy from her grand-grand daughter.

And I have my brother yes, but believe me he is no support, we do not talk, we fight only most of the time.

He is insane, has no job, it was my Mom who supported him financially and emotionally.

My mother in law is also still alive, she lives next door to my boyfriend. She is an ok person, but I do not love her, sometimes really annoys me. Im sure we wont have privacy after the baby is born. And she is so different to my Mom and Grandmom. My Mom was such a straight person with good intentions, my mil is kind of a foxy person, bit sarcastic, cynical..which I dont like. The sister of my boyfriend is strange too, I think she has never accepted me. Reasons: My bf divorced his wife because she cheated on him and she never wanted a kid. Basically my Bf was in an unhappy marriage for 16 years. But his exwife worked in the same field with my "sister in law" and my boyfriend. The exwife was a doctor. So sister in law appreciated her much more, did not care that his brother was unhappy.. stupid isnt it? And I believe she doesnt know that the ex wife cheated on her brother. She thinks their divorce's reason us me. Anyway, my family was my Mother. And its over. Her home meant HOME for me. Now I have to say good bye to to my home as well. My brother is staying here until we can sell it. The home that was built by my father, the garden that was taken care of by mother, the most beautiful garden. Where I grew up. Roots will be ripped out.

I have to rebuild my life, start a new life. But I feel so depressed, no power, no joy to do it. I think I will be a bad mother, a depressed, crazy mother. I did not plan like this to be.

My boyfriend is sweet and caring, but doesnt really understand what I am going through.

i just feel robbed of, cheated. Life is cruel and really unfair to some of us.

I feel also punished, by God?, by fate?..

Sorry that I cannot give you any advice or encouragement.

but just know you are not alone.

Hugs, Susie

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Thank you all for your responses. They truly mean so much to me. I feel more comfortable being here and 'talking' to you all than I ever have to any of my friends. I am working on responding to each of you individually, but am slow to gather my thoughts all at once. I have said prayers for each of you, and am so sorry for the pain you've all endured. I hope you find moments of love and light today, and everyday forward. ❤️

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