My Father died Sunday

[Crcizme]

My Father died at midnight Sunday morning after a 5 week illness. This was so sudden and totally unexpected that we've functioned on autopilot since then. I am a hospice nurse and Daddy came home on hospice 2 weeks to the day prior to passing. I had been and am struggling with my "nurse brain" as it has allowed me to know exactly what was happening along the way. Both a blessing and a curse. I find it strange and even disturbing to go through the days functioning, even laughing while dreading the day if his service and not understanding how I am doing it. I can not think of the last 2 weeks and especially Sunday before I immediately think of something else. I'm afraid if I allow these feelings to surface right now, I will shatter into a million pieces that can never be fixed again. I am surprised and unprepared for the overwhelming and continuously changing emotions. Truthfully I want to scream. I want to scream so loudly that God hears me. I want to bang my fists against the wall and scream , my Daddy's dead and how do I let him go! I know I'm not alone but feel that way. I know many of you feel the same way. It's a lonely say club to join.

[Lisa k]

Hi Crcizme, i'm so sorry your dad passed. My mum passed away seven weeks ago from lung cancer and i looked after her. We found out in january she was terminal. My world came to a halt that day . I went to every chemo session and appointments with her. Even knowing she was going to die did not make it any easier or prepare me for the moment she took her last breath. I couldn't even cry i felt so numb for weeks and still do. Tonight i broke down sobbing uncontrolably . I feel so desperate i feel like i can't take another day without her. She was my best friend and the reason i breathed. I am not married no kids or partner no friends. I sit here truly contemplating ending it all . The thought of living out the rest of life without her is too much to bare. These feelings of emptiness , lonliness, longing, numbness, and pain in my heart is too much to cope with. The only comfort i can feel is ending it to be with her. Grief is the worst feeling ever and so isolating. I never imagined it could hurt so bad until you face it yourself.My heart goes out to you  and everyone suffering this grief.Sorry i don't sound positive or have words of hope. It's a long road i feel and i hope you find courage and strength to get through this one day at a time. Feel proud of yourself being a hospice nurse you are amazing people.I would not have been able to carry out my mums wishes of dying in her own home without hospice nurses.Hope you find peace.

[cindyjane]

Hugs Crczme, I am so sorry for your loss.  I also work in health-care and nothing can prepare us for this and even if we are somewhat prepared, it is always too soon.  I lost both parents in 11 months and hadn't gotten through my mom's passing when my dad left us.  My best suggestion to you is to just go with your feelings. I cried an ocean of tears in the past year and am sure there are many more coming as I continue to miss my parents.  Tears really are healing.  

 

I also want to share that God hears you whether you scream or whisper ... when we weep, He also weeps.  He loves us and brings us comfort during life storms, all we have to do is ask for that comfort.  Hang in there and know that you are not alone.  You will get through this and it will take time.  It's been a year for me in having no parents and I still miss them both every day but now when I am missing them I am able to see the blessings in having them for parents and that helps.   Another thing that helps is that I want to honour their memory/legacy and be the best person that I can be.  In knowing my parents and what kind of people they were, I know for a fact that they would want me to carry on and once again have some joy in this life.  I am not quite there yet but have come a long way in this past year.  So life does get better my friend.....it will never be the same but it does get better.  God bless you for the work that you do.  There are definitely angels among us and you are one of them.

 

Lisa ... another angel in looking after your mom.  You are also honouring your mom in being here at this site and responding to others.  Your mom would be proud of you.  Helping others whether it be here at this site, or something as simple as holding a door open for someone at the grocery store, or greeting a stranger with a smile is honouring our parents.  

 

take care

Cindy Jane