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Loneliness never ending


Gwenivere5

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Last Saturday was 10 months since I lost my husband. Months before he was in a dementia type state so he was mostly here just physically. I have adapted (if you can call it that, I really haven't any other choice) to many changes of his not being here. But I hate waking up alone in the house. Eating alone is a very big one too. The thought of having to prepare food is a monumental chore because I now only eat because I have to. A lot of the day we did our own thing, but evenings are tough because we always set aside time to watch a favorite show together. Now I watch them but there is no one to talk to about it. These things all make logical sense but they tear me up every day. I used to love coming home after being out to us and our 2 dogs. Now I know every time I get here he will not be here to call out to. I miss getting hugs. Hearing his voice. There is a part of me that is not my friend that says to me...it HAS been so long, why aren't you 'used to this'? Then I think....10 months after 32 years together? That is nothing. My heart is on my side, tho it is to terribly broken. It sees the home that for now is just a house. It sees everything in it that were shared projects and decisions. It sees the gifts we gave each other that have such special meaning and the memories of when and why they came. Time, time, time. I know that is what it will take to lessen the pain, tho it will never leave. But it can move mercilessly slow. I want to smile when I think of him, but I can't yet. I can barely look at his pictures nor listen to his voice of music he recorded. It rips my heart out and I hope mine is string enough to keep taking that for a very long time.

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I am sorry for the loss of your husband. You are so right--10 months after being together 32 years is nothing, so don't listen to people who say that you should be doing this or that. Feel and be who you are and what you want. 

 

Have you thought about an emotional support group or some professional counseling? You have been dealt a horrific blow that anyone would need help getting through. Sometimes, talking to strangers help, and then, the bonus of that is they are no longer strangers and become good friends...

 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

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Thank you for your reply. One thing, gratefully, that feels natural is to ignore all the platitudes and 'help' from people that have never had this kind of loss. Be they well intentioned or because I don't fit their timetable doesn't matter to me. Only the person experiencing it knows the depths of it and what was shared that is now gone....forever. It took a long time to have that sink in as the mind uses every trick it can to avoid accepting that.

I do have a grief counsellor who I credit for keeping me sane enough to function thru all of this. She can't fix it, but she has been here and truly gets it. One word I am becoming ambivalent about is 'normal,. It helps to know wherever I am is, but so hard to be in that new normal. I was reading a post from a woman who was in an anger phase. Anger at everything. I have been there and it is helpful to me and hopefully them to share that they are not alone in their feelings. Just as people did for me.

Hate being in this club no one wants to join. But so grateful there are places to come to connect with others who can't share this with anyone else.

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I have to say you sound really positive despite the extreme difficultly you are experiencing. I struggled with the whole "new normal" concept after my losses; I really didn't see how I'd ever feel "normal" again, but, well, I did. 

 

I'm so glad you have a counselor that you trust. Does she have you journal? Do you ever write letters to your husband? I know people do that and find it extremely healing. 

 

There isn't a single one of us that wants to be here, but we are here to find encouragement and to eventually give encouragement. That's the great thing about this community. It keeps on giving....

 

Do you work outside the home?

 

 

ModKonnie

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I volunteer at a nursing home and hav been there almost 22 years. I didn't intend it to be a long term thing, but it was my mother's death that inspired me. I saw how important the volunteers were to her as I couldn't be there living in another state. Sometimes I think I get more from the residents than I can give them. It has been very rewarding and something that gets me out if the house when I so very need that right now.

I tried journaling, but the words seemed as isolated as I was. I needed to reach out to others to feel connected in a world I don't feel I fit in at the moment. To be able to say how I feel and read others feelings is very validating. All our journeys are unique, but the pain is not. We are all broken by our losses and many cannot fully understand that which makes sense. Until it happens to you, it is just imagination. I tried to imagine what this would be like knowing Steve was going to die, but it didn't even come close.

Thank you, Eve, for sharing about your mother. A loss of anyone we love deeply is a very dark void. One that no one else can fill. That is the struggle for me. Knowing that this is forever. My mind buffered that thought for a long time. It wasn't denial, it was waiting til I had gotten past some other phases. The reality is now the hardest part. Like you, things like shopping are so drastically different. So little to do and always seeing things he needed or wanted and walking by them untouched. Reading sale ads will catch me saying....oh, there is a great deal and then I realize it doesn't matter anymore. So many little things we didn't notice become huge. Not being able to talk to him is the worst as ironically he is the only person who could really console me. A hug from him would feel so good when I am lost in the tears. There is a comfort that only one's mother can provide. I lost mine 25 years ago and wish I could turn to her also.

One thing that is very true is that this does give us the opportunity to be there for others. Shared pain hurts, but it is so much better than feeling you are alone in this. Someone who just lost his wife asked me if seeing other couples bothered me. He thought maybe it was just him. To be able to say absolutely it bothered me validated both of us. That is the kind of gifts we can give each other that really matter. I don't want people offering to take me to dinner or a movie. I want to be who I am rift now and know that is OK. And it is - for all of us wherever we are on our paths.

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