Is it normal to feel like you're imploding?

[Chrysalis]

Is it normal to feel like you're imploding? Or falling falling falling down into the abyss where all your love for your lost loved one used to be. Love becomes something harsh and unearthly after the one you love is gone. I heard a quote, "Only memories and emptiness left where I used to be." My best friend of 20 years died suddenly 3 years ago. My mom dropped dead in my bedroom 2 months ago. WTF?? Sometimes this world seems like some puishment we were all sent to. Like there is some beautiful world out there without all this loss and pain, but it's not here. Here on earth, it's a lonley place. Losing these two beloved cherished people in my life has changed me. I have a husband and four kids who bring me such joy, but when I move away from my children my world gets dark, full of shadows. Memories haunt me and the love is like a black hole in my chest, sucking me into the sadness. I'm not who I used to be. That innocent happy person who felt safe in the world is long gone. I miss my best friend like fire in my chest. I somehow beleive he will return to me, even though I know he cannot. I had a dream the other night that my mom was still alive. It was so great, except I kept asking her why her body had looked so dead there on my floor. I woke up heartbroken. My chest feels like it's imploding. How the hell do people survive such pain???

[KjoG]

Yes I think that is normal to feel that way. At least that's how I have felt for a very long time now. I'm very sorry for your losses. Please know I understand your pain, and that anything you're feeling (no matter how crappy) is completely normal. When I go to my fathers house, I so strongly feel him, and smell him there, that it is almost shocking to me that I CAN'T see him. I don't know if it's just my hearts memory, denial or what. I also have dreams about my family sometimes. So real, that when I awake I am broken all over again. I try to hold on to those moments with them, real or not. I wish I could help you or tell you that it gets better, but it doesn't. It just changes. Hold on to your children and your hubby as tight as you can. Surround yourself in the good things, the things left that you can find joy in. And hold on for dear life. I came to this site in hopes of finding someone who could understand and relate, and I'm finding so much more than that. Please come back. Do not hold anything in. It makes it better to know you're not alone.

Grief DOES change us. When we come out the other side we are never who we used to be. I try to tell my friends all the time that I am nowhere near the person I used to be, but unless you've experienced it, you can't possibly understand what that means. I hope that I will hear from you again. Sending you prayers,

Kristy