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Keep thinking this is a nightmare


Peanutty

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My dad died of liver cancer at the end of March.  We found out right before Thanksgiving 2014 that he had cancer and he was gone by Easter.  In the beginning of March we were told he had 3 to 6 months, by the second week we were told weeks.  By the third week, we knew it would not be long.  I was so very close with my dad.  I was Daddy's little girl.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him.  I break down at least once a day, sometimes more.  I am trying to stay strong for my mom and while I am with her, most of the time I am a rock.  Once I am by myself I can be emotional.  I still have very vivid nightmares about the two days before he passed.  With liver cancer, ammonia levels rise and the person you love turns into someone they are not.  My dad kicked me, hit me and told me he didn't care about me in those two days.  He thought we were being cruel by trying to keep him in bed and he was so confused, angry and hurt because we had to take him to a hospice house.  I am filled with guilt because we could not take care of him at home.  I was also with him when he died and those last moments were absolutely horrible to watch.  I have experienced loss before with my grandparents and an uncle but nothing like this.  I can't seem to get it together and my nightmares are now causing insomnia.  I have tried anti depressants to help with the loss and they do not help.  So I thought I would try an online support group.  I miss him so much.  I keep thinking that this is all just another one of my nightmares and that I will wake up.  I just don't feel like it is getting any better.  

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I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and all that you and your family had to go through.  I know it is easy to say but if you can, try to think of the better days of your dad's life rather than those last days.  And remember that you did all that you could to take care of him until you couldn't do any more and needed outside help (hospice).  I am glad that you came here for support.  There are good people here who've gone through the pain and sadness you are feeling right now.  Keep coming back because we really do care.

 

Cindy Jane

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Peanutty, 

 

I lost my dad at the end of June. He had a heart transplant in early March this year. But I went through pretty much exactly what you went through. What ended up taking him was a liver infection that he got from the hospital. The day he got the transplant was exciting and scary, but we all had so much hope. Even in the coming weeks and months when he was struggling to get better in the hospital, we still thought he was getting better. One day, we got the news that he was never going to get better because this horrible infection was encasing his liver. He was able to come home to live out his last few weeks, but that was honestly the most horrible part. The antibiotics basically kept him alive while his liver was being eaten by bacteria. I went through the same thing with the ammonia rising in his system. I think it effects everyone differently, my dad thought he was being watched by the government and wouldn't let us turn the TV on or talk. He started scribbling on a note pad and told us it was a code. I was there when my dad passed too. I thought it would HELP me cope with this, knowing I was there with him till the very end, but honestly it is haunting me. I am having nightmares and insomnia too. I wish there was something I could say to help you, other than just letting you know you are not alone. I just joined this site yesterday, because I am feeling so horrible about everything. I am being a rock for my mom too, and my sisters are the same so we don't talk about it. It is so hard. I am so sorry we are both going through this. :( I hope things get better for us. -Ashley

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