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The Bad Sibling (a novel) *TLDR at the end


ikaros

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I'm done. I'm exhausted. I'm spent. Can I put another "I" in here?

 

Selfish. My family calls me selfish. My mother who passed in April called me selfish most of my life. My sister calls my teenage daughter and I "selfish bitches." But she probably doesn't think that bothers us, so to be fair, it must look different from her perspective. Fair? I guess I am trying to say I realize there is more than one way to perceive a story.

 

My sister and I are 12 years apart. She is 47 and I am 35. She helped take care of me when I was little. Then she moved out and started her life apart from me. I should mention that we have different dads; I am my father's only child, my sister's father passed away many years ago from cancer. He was an absentee parent. (I also have a 48 yo half brother, my sister's Irish twin, who disowned the three of us,my mom and sister and me, about 15 years ago, has an extreme Narcissistic personality, and has toyed with my mom's emotions and tortured her throughout the years; we don't speak at all). It has never made any difference to us about fathers, I point it out because I think it has bearing on our very different personalities.

 

My sister has had much misfortune in her life, a lot of it was not of her doing. She, like myself, has very strong opinions about who she is, how the world should be, and how these ideals should affect the way she judges right from wrong. I have always considered her to be a good person and I love her and my 8 yo niece.

 

I have mental health issues. Actually, we both do; different types, but the kind that are still imposing great difficulty on daily living. I mean, we both find it very difficult to do more than exist on a day to day basis.

 

She and  I are both crippled little creatures that have lived with my mom together or alone for the majority of our lives. Around the age of 21 I moved to Florida to gain residency for college. My mom had gone bankrupt for the second time, lost our home to the bank and my sister got out of a relationship that left her with PTSD and some severe panic attacks that continue to this day. So we all moved to Florida together. About 10 years ago we all lived in a decent rental house with a pool. It was a nice life. But I was 25 years old with a 7 year old daughter I was feeling stifled and longed to live on my own. After my sister gave birth to her daughter the house seemed even more crowded an I wanted to stretch my wings and make a home for my daughter and myself. This affected them because I paid a portion of the rent in a home they couldn't afford without me.

 

My sister felt so angry and betrayed when I decided to buy a house. But the owners decided to take it off the market. I really liked that particular house and was disappointed enough to stop my search for a while. I told my mom and sister I could stay. I understand that the fact that I used the chance to do something for myself at the cost of other's convenience or happiness could be considered a jerk thing to do. Even though they had not made any decisions about where to live or when to move, my sister told me no, I could not stay, it was too late, I had made my decision. I hurt her feelings so she hurt me back. So I left and rented an apartment. I was happy.

 

I found a partner and we lived for several years in our own place. My sister married an old sweetheart and moved back to our home state. About four years ago I came to a place in my life where my relationship was stale and a great burden was placed on my daughter. My mom lived by herself in a condo a few towns away (about 50 miles). We occasionally talked, but my mom and I have had a strange relationship and many personality and belief clashes so we could go months without talking. I still loved her very much, and she loved me. I was not particularly a good daughter to her. She started to fall, and once cracked her head on pavement hard enough to send her to the hospital and leave a nasty scar. I wasn't there for that... I am often unreachable because I enjoy solitude and dislike talking on the phone. I have guilt and regrets. 

 

So she was sick and I needed a place to go so we packed up and moved into mom's place. I didn't work, mom paid for us to live with her, and I was there to take her shopping or to the doctor or whatever else. I was grateful, but extremely depressed, off of about $700 worth of medicine I lost coverage for when my partner lost their job a year before (I had gone part time to home school my daughter and lost my job in budget cuts). My mental health issues were a large part of why I needed to leave and they tend to cause a burden for others as well as myself. But at least my mom loved me.

 

It was not great. I could have been a better daughter. I could have been a better person. Mom wanted me to file for disability but I was afraid of being labeled. There is a strong stigma against people with mental health issues, and no one ever seems to get what an desolate existence a person can be stuck in for any unknown length of time. But I also lacked the strength to leave the house a find yet another low income clinic in which I had to talk to doctors that don't really care or think you're trying to scam drugs or maybe don't even believe in the conditions they are supposed to be treating. 

 

 

The three of us lived in a two bedroom condo and a year later my sister and niece came to join us after a nasty divorce. Having them there was awful. My sister and I are more different in our later years than ever before, and our mental issues caused us to clash in ways that exacerbate our seemingly disparate personalities. Our only children of a large age gap clashed, we clashed, mom declined, it was just awful. 

 

My sister used to keep herself fairly together. She always pays bills first, doesn't take drugs (that aren't prescribed), doesn't sleep around... She does drink wine, though, which in the past has never been a problem. That seems to have changed since her marriage and subsequent divorce. Which I understand. 

 

I am not a prude. I am just reclusive and do not necessarily want to share my faults, weaknesses, or short comings with other people, even if they are my family. I don't drink much, though, and when she would drink her company was nearly unbearable. I finally had to tell her not to talk to me if she was going to drink, that she had to stop because it was horrible and we all hated it. I don't like giving ultimatums because I wouldn't like having them put on me. It was extremely awkward for me. 

 

She also made "friends" around the condos. These were guys my age that played guitar and such or some other slightly interesting thing. At first I thought this was a good thing... I couldn't bear her burden of living because I couldn't even bear my own. I was relieved when she made friends. At first. 

 

She found a soul mate that wasn't meant for her this lifetime, as she put it. That's all well and good, but one night she brought him home to our condo. Now, before you think the wrong thing, let me tell you that he was ill, he had "fallen" down the stairs at the end of his building, although there were strong implications that he was pushed. He had broken ribs and a punctured lung and was in pain. OK. 

 

But picture this... We are five females living in a small two bedroom condo. Five. Females. Our ages are 68, 46, 34, 16, and 7. There is no peace here, people. No. Peace. But you get used to it, when you are all just trying to get by. You make a sort of peace. When I got up in my underwear to get a drink in the middle of the night (like 2 AM) and open the door to find him and her cuddling on the couch, I lost my mind. I mean, that condo was our sanctuary, such as it was, from the outside world. It was common for my daughter to get up in her underwear and get a drink or maybe even steal a little alone time in the living room. Not to mention that my niece is totally confused and worried about her mom's weird behavior lately. And here was a stranger sitting on our couch, no warning, no nothing. 

 

I handled it wrong. I lost my temper. I slammed cabinet doors and banged pans until my sister was furious and walked him home. She still hasn't forgiven me for that. I am not sure that I have forgiven her. She couldn't connect with me and found someone else and was seething inside over the treatment he received at my hands. I will admit, I don't entirely disagree with her. 

 

I wish I had simply let it be, at least until morning. I wish I had had the graciousness to let everyone rest. I wish I had had the forethought to maybe just set an alarm so I could rouse them early enough that none of the others would have even known they were there. But I didn't. I was so incensed that she would violate our safety zone, the one refuge left to us. It was like we didn't even exist to her. And yet she is baffled by how heartless and uncaring I "have become."

 

There have been other incidences to distance us although I doubt she would remember them due to her drinking. And I simply will not bring a litany of offences to her door; if she doesn't remember them it will only hurt her, and we have had plenty of grief to go around...

 

I would say the worst thing for me since my mom died, other than the fact that I feel much younger and more vulnerable now, is that we are now no longer on speaking terms. My mom had talked about helping me move out for a few months before she died, I moved, I think my sister resented me again. I think my mom was trying to save me because she knew how absolutely miserable I was. She told me once that if she'd had any idea what it was going to be like she would never have told them they could come. That is a strong sentiment to come from my mom because she always took us in when we needed it. 

 

Immediately after my mom's death, everything was dropped on me because my sister was so overcome with grief. She had already been named executor by mom years before, and I had no problem with that. I also didn't mind taking charge. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing, and my mom wouldn't speak to us about her final expenses paperwork (to this day I don't know why... I think it was too sad for her, she started getting confused, but in the past it wasn't a problem) so nothing could be done right away, it was stressful, and horrible, but it gave me a kind of purpose.

 

But I had a new apartment in another town, a new job that let me stay weeks away to help her clean out the condo, and eventually was going to need a breather and to head back to my own place. That first week, when my daughter and I came back to help, she turned on me out of nowhere. It had my daughter boiling mad and locked in a bedroom and my niece was crying and hiding under furniture.

 

Here's what happened.

 

My sister had moved on from a long conversation about mom to grieving for Unwanted Couch Guy. He was a musician and had moved on to some other place and wouldn't return her calls or messages...

 

I was trying very hard to focus on stuff on the internet because I was grieving for mom and was sick of hearing about her stupid guy problems. I know, I know, it's not stupid to her. And it's not stupid to me either, actually, because I do love her and care about her feelings. But between the drinking and the THOUSANDS of times I had had the same conversation with her I was fed up. So I stared very hard at something that I will never remember just to keep from blowing up on her.

 

I was trying to manage no more than a mask of indifference, that was as close to not exploding as I could get, but I must have been scowling because out of nowhere her head turned in a mechanical fashion to gaze at me and she said, "You hate me. You hate me! YOU HATE ME!"  

 

She then proceeded to scream and wail and I was completely at a loss. I have no idea why that happened. I had, up to that point, been trying to at least politely agree with her and comment here and there so as to hide my disappointment in the conversation. Even had she realized I was not paying attention, I would never have thought that the crazy ass screaming and crying would have been pointed at me.

 

I couldn't do it. I got a few of my own screams in because I was caught off guard and felt I had to try and defend myself Then I just went to mom's room, picked up a couple of her favorite dolls, a random pajama piece or some dirty clothing that smelled like mom and told her I was going home. 

 

I no longer wanted to be around her. My daughter was so overwhelmed by my sister's behavior that she has finally refused to have anything to do with her, and at that time was too stressed to stay with me while we sorted mom's stuff so I left her alone for days at a time to deal with the condo (a rental, we had to get out of). 

 

I guess what it boils down to is my sister wanted me to stay with her and I wanted to go. I stayed several days, but the first time I left to come home for a break from grieving and cleaning I really felt the change. I went from initiating necessary procedures to suddenly being told on a side note that such and such was about to be done or had already been done. Just like that... 

 

It was very hurtful. But OK. 

 

Then while I am there we proceed to talk about the only property my mom had, an old Honda. Even though my mother  had told my daughter she would leave her the car, that was a private conversation and I didn't want to say, Mom told her she could have the car. Also, my sister is 47 years old and is going to have give her car back to her ex husband in a year or so if she can't pay it off. She also does not work. I thought I was being gracious when against my daughter's wishes (she is sad about my mom but also is protective of the only thing left of Nan's that she felt she had control over) I told my sister if she wanted it she could have it since she would be out of a car. She said she didn't want it and that my daughter could have it. I was relieved because I knew my daughter didn't want to give up the only thing left of my mom's that she had specifically been told she could have. So situation resolved, right...?

 

In the mean time, my sister is in a very awkward and uncomfortable living situation with my aunt who is mostly estranged to us. She gets her part of a very modest insurance settlement and asks me to go in on a place with her. I say no... I have an apartment, a job, and I am starting school again in the fall. And I can't live with her again. Ever. Still she rents a $1600 a month condo (yes with no income) which is OK I guess because the owners know it and she intends to rent out rooms anyway (fairly easy to do at her location). 

 

Worst of all, she needs me. This makes me feel awful. I can't stand her grief right now. I can't take it. I would rather die. She begs me to come out there and be with her but I am exhausted and off my meds and the fact that we are not living under bridge right now is a miracle, my dad is helping me with rent, I am working... I can't bear one more burden right now. It is so painful for me to know she is in pain. It really is. I would never be OK with her hurting or feeling lonely. I just can't do it.

 

Then my sister starts telling me that she can't believe our mom left something to my brother's son and nothing to our daughters. I didn't bring up the car b/c my brother signed off on any claim to it and we were supposed to come pick it up from my aunt's house. Then she says, hey, we should sell the car and split the difference between our two daughters, wouldn't that be a sweet thing to do?

 

She hadn't read the message I last sent where I finally told her how I overwhelmed I felt. I told her I can't be there for her the way she wants me to and I am sorry. I told her I am weak and just do not have the strength. I told her it is all I can do to exist. I told her I love you and I am sorry...

 

I responded with a "no" about selling the car. My daughter still wanted the car so I said I would pay her for half of what it is worth. She never got back to me, but the last thing she had said was my aunt wanted it gone (still parked in their yard). So I try to text her but she decides I have cut her off and so she must do the same to me. I finally write my aunt (I didn't have her #) and tell her I am sorry the car has been there so long and I will pick it up soon. To which she replies, Robyn has the car. Well of course she does. But she isn't talking to me so how would I know.

 

We almost started talking again but she began posting thinly veiled stuff on Facebook about how if you really love someone, you are in their life, "no excuses." I want to say, "If I am not in your house I am not in your life???!" I want to say, "Almost completely dysfunctional bipolar with no meds managing to work at least part time and pay for gas and groceries and planning on finishing a degree is an EXCUSE? Because I couldn't meet YOUR needs I am no longer a part of your family? I must not have lost my mom a few months ago. I guess only my sister lost a mother.

 

My aunt attempted to contact me and say I need to be there for my sister. Further letting me know she is going off about it, further letting me know that the squeaky wheel gets the attention. Further letting me know that because it soothes me to grieve in silence I seem to be an aberration to my family. Further letting me know that all this time when she acted like she understood the symptoms of my illness she was lying... which I already knew because she kept calling me selfish and lazy (and repeated it to and included my daughter).

 

I am no dream to live with. I know this. I'm stubborn. I'm grouchy when I'm tired. I'm sloppy and occasionally a slob. It's one of the many reasons I so enjoy being on my own. My daughter and I get along well despite the fact that she is a teenager. We like ourselves, we like each other. There is no walking on eggshells because I have to constantly worry if what I say or do (or don't do) is going to be considered selfish or lazy. There are no hurt feelings because I prefer the solitude of my room over the company of anyone else present. There are no feelings of constantly letting someone down because you keep failing to meet expectations that you didn't even know you were supposed to strive for. I don't have to listen to hours of pornographic details about hookups that I am only listening to to be polite. I don't have to watch the horrible spiraling out of control that I am helpless to stop because I sliding down my own spiral.

 

I rent a crappy one bedroom one bath cottage. A glorious, run down, leaks when it rains, the-owner's-garbage-pile-brings-rats 400 sq ft cottage. I am not blind to its faults. I do not plan to be here forever. But for now, it's mine. It's peaceful here. (And the piles are being cleaned up). Why can't she understand that our differences and misunderstandings are part of what drives me away? Why is the way I grieve not even a factor to her whilst I sit and contemplate her needs for hours? Why would she want to live with me when we were so miserable at the condo? I'd rather be alone... I know she was unhappy, too...

 

I guess what this post comes down to is when I try to look for information regarding how people don't understand when you don't reach out to them or when you need time alone or simply cannot bear another burden what I actually find are all the people who are on the opposite side... I see people saying things like, "they won't communicate with me, they won't support me, my world is falling apart and they are not there for me." I read comments such as, "there is no excuse for them to not be there for you, unforgivable, how could they?"

 

I have found, to my dismay,that siblings falling out of favor with each other is common after the death of a parent. 

 

What I have not found is someone like me who says, "I cannot bear this load, it is too much for me." Or, "A significant amount of solitude is the only thing that helps me show up to work and support my child."

 

I seem to be the "bad" sibling... and I only feel bad about it because it hurts my sister's feelings. I don't actually feel bad for being who I am. I am happier on my own. I am tired of people making me feel like this is unreasonable... I like being free to be my own person by working and going to school. I like myself. I am just sad that I haven't found anyone who understands, apart from my own daughter, and I am not certain that counts.

 

*TLDR - My sister seems to think she is the only one grieving, has stopped speaking to me because I couldn't spend the time with her that she desperately needed. I cannot cope with her neediness and prefer long periods of solitude.

 

Has anyone else been the one who needed to withdraw just to manage an existence on this planet? Were you ostracized for it?

 

 

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