Members ikaros Posted August 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 19, 2015 I have a strong desire to grieve away from the prying eyes of my family... I heard Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" today, and I want to sing a few verses to my mom. My throat closes every time I try to utter a sound so I hope you don't mind if I share some verses I wrote for my own version of "Hallelujah." I have never posted to a forum about something so intensely personal before, but somehow it's far easier than sharing with people I know. I am not even certain why I want to post this, it's almost a poem and for some reason that makes me feel childish and vulnerable. (Part of me is ridiculing myself right now for taking such a popular song and garbling out my own rhymes). But I've been pretending that my mom is still alive sometimes even though she died in April. I am tortured by the memory of our last moments. I guess in a way posting here is like pretending I am actually saying it to her because I know the words could be considered by another sentient being. I mean after all, she no longer messages me on FB... I can't call her and tell her how sad I am. I see pictures of her and I know there is no longer anything tangible behind them... I know it is for selfish reasons I pretend but I'm faking my life through this grieving process anyway... there was a day, we were alonei told you that i loved you sobut you said "i never really knew it"we've been at odds,there's been a rift, close sometimes and then we driftnow you're gone; all I have is "hallelujah" HallelujahHallelujahHallelujahHallelujah When you were young and so detachedOlder now, no going backWhile growing up I felt I never knew yaYou escaped somehow and left your caresThe life I lived, you left me thereAnd I silenced any thought of "hallelujah" HallelujahHallelujahHallelujahHallelujah In time i learned to forgiveIt's no longer about our differenceswe're not alike, but it's OK we knew itAnd I long to hear your voice againThe sorrow is more than I can standA twisted vow, a halting "hallelujah..." HallelujahHallelujahHallelujahHallelujah I remember on the day you leftFirst I sighed and then I weptYou were silent until the fear grew in yaI gazed into your pleading eyesI held you back and I told you liesThe last breath you drew was "hallelujah" HallelujahHallelujahHallelujahHallelujah I don't believe in God aboveI do believe we end in loveDoesn't matter what dogma you hold to ya "And it's not a cry that you hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah" HallelujahHallelujahHallelujahHallelujah Mom, I don't feel like I can do this. Mom, I wish you were here I am so mad! I love you! I'm sorry! I know you love me, too. I'm so angry at you! And me... I want to beg you to come back! No matter how silly it is, just come back! You were supposed to come back! What shall I do, now? Come back, mom, please! Silly rant... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fragrantcloud Posted August 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 It wasn't a silly rant at all. I really felt your words. I am feeling the same. Hugs. Kirsten Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ikaros Posted September 15, 2015 Author Members Report Share Posted September 15, 2015 Oops. I posted twice. I am not good at navigating forums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ikaros Posted September 15, 2015 Author Members Report Share Posted September 15, 2015 Thank you, Kirsten. I almost ran back and deleted, I was so embarrassed the next day. I don't know why I care; My mom is gone and I can't stand my family right now. Sigh. I am sorry for your loss. I just float through this forum now and then because I'd rather talk to strangers. Thank you just for saying that it was OK to blurt it out. Hugs. Ashley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fragrantcloud Posted September 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted September 15, 2015 No, don't do that. I actually did something similar after residing your post. Can I say it's weird you and my sister have the same name! Hope you're doing okay today and I'm the same I float around here too. hugs, Kirsten Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fragrantcloud Posted September 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted September 15, 2015 No, don't do that. I actually did something similar after residing your post. Can I say it's weird you and my sister have the same name! Hope you're doing okay today and I'm the same I float around here too. hugs, Kirsten Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.