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My mom died last night and I'm so lost...


Ybeltzer

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My mom passed away last night. I was with her the whole day as she was fading while still on life support. Nothing could ever prepare me for something this painful. I feel like I died with her to some degree. For the last years we were living in different countries and I flew in with my husband whose a physician and my two youngest children a day prior to her passing. The funeral was today, and everything that's happening is just too much! I find it hard to have people around me and yet the only time my husband left my sight for a couple of hours to tend to his family ended with me having a major meltdown. I just left and started wondering in the streets. It's 3 am and I feel like I can't move. Can't face anyone or anything. Don't know how to carry on. I'm scared of what I'm feeling and how I'm handling everything. I'm scared of the future without my mom in it. I'm petrified I will never be the same, or loose it all together... It's as if time stopped and I can't find the courage to face reality as it currently is. The vivid images of her last hours are honting me. How do I move on? How do I find the strength? How do I recover from this awfully traumatic pain?

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Dear Ybeltzer,

 

I fully concur with Eve, I am really sorry for your loss, and like Eve, I know too well what you are going through, even if our specific circumstances are different. Please tell us about your dear mom, what she was like, what your relationship was like, how you are feeling and the circumstances of her passing, if you wish to and can do so. Otherwise, please come read whenever you can. Somebody posts every day and somebody always responds.

 

Let it all out, cry and scream if you need to, there is no shame in losing composure under the circumstances.

 

I wish I had done what you did, instead, it was like I was in absolute shock from day one of learning that my mom was dying. I just operated on auto pilot, I felt sad, angry, guilty, confused, lost, impotent at not being able to fix it, at my mom not eating, when she always loved to do so. I was very jet lagged and mentally and physically exhausted after a hellish year at work, having my mom visit us, my husband and I, and my brother and his kids for three months, for her to suddenly start to experience pain in one of her legs, lose her appetite and have to return home two weeks before she was supposed to, and me going home a week later to find out at the airport, from one of my aunts, that my mom had metastatic lung cancer with tumors to the liver and pelvic bones. A completely bleak prognosis, to then slowly lose my  wonderful, lively, energetic, amazing mom to the pain, the morphine and all the relatives.

 

The nightmare unfold in a matter of weeks, and my mom and I couldn't talk as we used to for she was in no condition to do so. I couldn't be with her when she last exhaled, because I was so scared. I had to then deal with her estate, and to this day, I'm trying to solve associated issues. When I came back to my usual life and my husband, it all hit me like a ton of bricks, and continues to hit me like a ton of bricks. I simply cannot believe that my mom is gone and that we both went through all that but I am still here and she isn't.

 

I feel very guilty at the shock that I felt and the associated cowardice. I retreated into myself and pretended that I was holding it together, when I was dying inside. I hope my mom forgives me for it.....and God too.

 

I don't know what else to say, words fail me, except to reiterate that we are here for you and truly understand what you are going through.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

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Fragrantcloud

I am so sorry for your loss, I understand your pain. Although I wish I didn't for at least another 20 years but as the universe has done this to all of us, I can only say I am sorry. But those words can't take away the pain I know. It really hurts a lot. You can take comfort in the fact that you were with her and could see it coming. A lot of us were taking by surprise and didn't even know something so cruel and painful was going to happen. 

 

Big Hug. 

 

Take care. 

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It was as if the world stopped. And moved too fast at the same time... It's a kind of emotional vertigo that still makes me sick to my stomach. I know some people get it but it's also as if no one could possibly get it. In a way they can't... She was my mom, not theirs. 

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