lost my father one month ago

[lisav7]

My father passed away one month ago. In addition to being filled with sadness and grief, I have been struggling with tremendous guilt. This is because my father's death was preventable. About one month before his passing my father stopped eating and complained of chest pain. My sister called a doctor but my father sent him away. As the days passed my father's condition got worse. I begged him to see a doctor and threatened to call an ambulance. My father refused to seek any medical attention and insisted that he would get better on his own. My mother, sister and I stopped arguing with him, hoping that if his situation got bad enough he would give us permission to intervene. Then, three and a half weeks after he stopped eating, he stopped drinking. At that point we called an ambulance. He was taken to the hospital where he was diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm. He was immediately operated on. The surgery was successful, however he suffered a massive stroke one day later and passed away. I have been told by many that it was my father's decision to refuse medical attention and that he was responsible for his own fate. Despite this I feel somewhat responsible for his passing by not being aggressive enough and forcing him to seek help. I know that acceptance and healing come with time but I am concerned that the guilt I feel will prevent this from occurring. I am wondering if there are others out there struggling with, or who have struggled with, guilt around the passing of a loved one and I wish to know what steps others have taken to overcome their guilt.

[cindyjane]

Hi lisa

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.  I totally agree with what many people have told you about it being your dad's decision to refuse any medical help.  You tried and other family members tried but ultimately it was up to your dad.  When I was looking after my dad we had a few incidents when I wanted him to get medical help and he refused.  All a person can do is try.  I found it hard to honour my dad's wishes knowing that his health was failing him but in looking back, I am glad that I respected his wishes.  I know that he just didn't want to spend whatever time he had left laying in a hospital.  

 

We can do a real number on ourselves with this.  After my dad passed on, I had many regrets and most of them were over-exaggerated in my own mind.  Or they were unfounded and untrue.  I was being hard on myself....thinking that I didn't spend enough time with him, when in fact he lived at my house and we did everything together.  I also had regrets about disagreements that we had when the fact is that everyone has disagreements and my dad and I always resolved them the same day with a big hug saying how much we loved each other.  The bottom line is that we love our parents and if we focus more on that love than on any unwanted feelings of guilt or regret, we will get through the hard times in missing them. 

 

Take care and try to shake off the guilt because your love for your dad outweighs any guilt feelings.

Cindy Jane

[silverkitties]

Lisa, my situation is the exact reverse of yours: I was conflicted over sending a visiting nurse to see my mom in the 3rd weekend of September 2014. She was looking very uncomfortable and cranky--such that I was afraid she'd suffer a stroke or heart attack. But not long after her death, I've wondered if I did not make a poor decision. 

 

There's a part of me which believes that my mom caught something in the hospital and wound up being overmedicated. It looked like she was all set to recover on the weekend before her death on October 4, 2014; and I had even brought her clothes in the belief that she would return home soon. I remember feeling happy on the last weekend in September--but alas, she succumbed to a second stroke. As such, I sometimes think that maybe, just maybe, if I had not called the visiting nurse a few weeks earlier, my mom might have improved on her own--although I doubt it would have kept her alive for consdierably longer.

 

Nonetheless, my point is that it's all too easy to second guess ourselves. Had we not called the visiting nurse and she suffered a stroke or heart failure at home, I would be kicking myself too.

 

So I believe you did what you thought best at the time--just as I did.  Trust me, though; it will take a while before you actually believe it. I myself have been going through this for the better part of 10 months.