Mom's Odd Behavior

[epolak75]

I lost my beloved father 7 months ago after a long battle with Congestive Heart Failure.  He was waiting for a heart transplant for three years that never came.  It's been the worst thing I have ever been through in my life.  Soon after my Dad died, my mother started going down to the bar/restaurant where Dad died (they were having dinner with friends when he just dropped to the floor) two to three nights per week.  She has made these bar people her "family" and has alienated real family.  She would rather spend time with them or the guys my Dad used to work with than my Dad's sister and mother.  On my Dad's birthday, she had my Dad's boss take her to the grave site and on what would have been their 41st wedding anniversary, she partied with champagne at the bar/restaurant with her new "family."  

 

Recently, she told me she's "bored" and needs to "figure things out."  She is 59 years old, refuses to work and isn't selfless enough to be a volunteer anywhere.  It makes me very angry as my Dad begged her to work for years as he was very worried about their retirement.  So, instead of getting a job or getting involved with a community, she has decided she's going to start dating again.  She signed up on a dating website yesterday.  I am just sick to my stomach about her behavior.  Anyone else go through something similar with their parent?

[ModKonnie]

I am very sorry about the loss of your father, first of all. I can tell you the experience I had with my mom when my father died. The night of his funeral, she informs all of us (I have 5 living siblings), she was going on a tour of Italy. She booked the tour the next day. She then spent every day going to the VFW my father founded, and met a man just a little older than the oldest of her children. My parents were married 54 years. The man my mother met was 59, and she was 73. Now, she insists he was just a friend, but during Christmas, when I left my kids over to bake cookies, she invited him to participate. That whole episode lasted about three months, and then she went on her tour. When she came back, she seemed to be somewhat "normal" again. 

 

I think your mother may just be dealing with the loneliness and grief in her own way. She may be terrified to be alone, and she may be hanging out at the bar/restaurant because of the connection to your father's death. 

 

Have you talked to her about your concerns about her behavior? Has she sought any counseling? Does she have any close friends or siblings? 

 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

[epolak75]

Yes, I have talked to her about counseling or support groups and she states that she is "not that kind of person."  She doesn't have too many close friends and the family she does have, she pushes away.  She's always done this though...it's not new since Dad's death.  

 

I am very sorry about the loss of your father, first of all. I can tell you the experience I had with my mom when my father died. The night of his funeral, she informs all of us (I have 5 living siblings), she was going on a tour of Italy. She booked the tour the next day. She then spent every day going to the VFW my father founded, and met a man just a little older than the oldest of her children. My parents were married 54 years. The man my mother met was 59, and she was 73. Now, she insists he was just a friend, but during Christmas, when I left my kids over to bake cookies, she invited him to participate. That whole episode lasted about three months, and then she went on her tour. When she came back, she seemed to be somewhat "normal" again. 

 

I think your mother may just be dealing with the loneliness and grief in her own way. She may be terrified to be alone, and she may be hanging out at the bar/restaurant because of the connection to your father's death. 

 

Have you talked to her about your concerns about her behavior? Has she sought any counseling? Does she have any close friends or siblings? 

 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie