Estranged father died - intense anger towards boyfriend?! Why?!

[Creme Brulee]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here. My estranged father has passed away 11 days ago of cancer. I didn't know he had cancer. I had to keep contact to him very minimal because he had a massive gambling problem and well...he basically messed it up with the entire family because he threatened to kill himself several times if we were not to send him money for his gambling. In fact, the 'gambling' was more him sending millions (!) to E-mail scammers (usually from Nigeria, Ghana etc.). He was a highly intelligent man (a brilliant scientist) and for some incomprehensible reason believed that he would one day have this promised 12 Million cheque as promised by those crooks. My father, according to some psychologists I have visited in the past, shows behaviours to those who are termed 'sociopaths'. He beat up my mother for pretty much 25 years while they were together (she dies of an overdose of antidepressants when I was 17, 13 years ago). He is also a liar and well...never seemed to ever take responsibility for his behaviour. He always blamed others, including my mother, for everything. For my 30th, 3 months ago, he sent me a long e-mail explaining what an awful bitch my mother was and that she should have known that 'she would not get away with behaviour like this'. In essence, I told him to F*ck off and to never contact me again. 

 

Three months later I was found by my embassy abroad (he never had my contact details as I had to protect my identity because of his gambling activities) - i was informed my father was dying of pancreatic cancer. If i wanted to see him again, I would have only today to do so. Torn apart, and 16 flight hours away from where he resides, I decided to travel back home to say good-bye to him. It was too late.

 

Since then I have been going through so many emotions at once. On the one hand, I still hate him for everything he is - everything he has done to my mother and to me (by f*cking up my childhood). Needless to say, I had been going to therapy since the age of 13 - with a childhood like this, it is a miracle that I am who I am today. I found evidence of my father's dodgy past in his flat and basically...I'm having to deal with thousands of debts and will have to walk away from the inheritance as otherwise, according to the laws of my home-country, i would be liable for everything. So apart from the bureaucratic nightmare...and the grief process i am going through (i am oddly remembering a lot of positives about my dad), there is one thing that confuses me the most:

 

I feel complete and utter disgust and hate towards my boyfriend. We have had major relationship issues for the last pretty much three years (we have only been together for four). He had lied to me in the past, has had massive money problems and is an avoider (attachment style). I once had him on a pedestal but his lies have broken my trust immensely. And yet, we always wanted to work on our relationship and fight for it. 

 

He is, at heart, a good person - really is. But he is so incredibly non-proactive. I feel like I have to tell him 'how to help me' and 'what to do' all the time. It drives me up the wall. He only ever does what I tell him to. There is no proactivity on maybe helping me with the bureaucratic stuff or finding things to do to keep my mind from going mad. He is there yes - but only when I urge hi to help me with something. everything he says or does irritates me. I'm also starting to see how stupid he can be sometimes. I don't know if this intense anger is actually grief and I'm just dumping it on my boyfriend or what the hell is going on here?

 

I can't ever imagine being so awful to anyone else (let's say if a friend helped me in this situation). I just really feel like exploding around him non-stop. I even asked him to leave the flat earlier so I can be alone. I don't want him to touch me - kiss me - nothing. He irritates me so much.

 

I am yet to see a grief counsellor next week - maybe she can shed a light on the situation.

 

I also noticed that as I'm now somehow 'back in my father's life' where I am meeting all these intelligent people, that I have always been dating 'losers' and men who were the complete opposite of my dad in terms of career achievements and intelligence. Could it be that I was frightened of an intelligent man as in my father's case, he used his intelligence for very destructive things too? 

 

What is happening here?

[Everly]

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[Creme Brulee]

Hi Eve, I really appreciate it immensely that you are taking the time to reply - I had a huge 'Ahhh yes' moment when I read your lines! You are absolutely right. I have 0 tolerance at the moment. Yesterday when we went for a walk, I witnessed a rather annoying passer-by who knocked something over and instead of just picking it up and placing it back where it was, he walked off. I was soooo angry and felt like shouting at him. I spent about 5min swearing to myself and cursing people around me (luckily in a way that no one heard it). This is extremely atypical for me. I'm usually a very cool and collected person and nothing ever really irritates me. And all of a sudden, I find myself with this intense rage.

 

Yes, i have zero tolerance for my boyfriend at the moment. I'm annoyed with him being so slow, so un-engaged. He is there too when I need a hug - he is there when I need to cry - don't get me wrong. But I feel he is just doing the bare minimum. I have always been the strong one - always the one driving us forward. I feel I need to summon up the last bits of my strengths to continue being just that. While I actually just feel like letting myself go. I just want to be the one who does not have the reins in my hand - if it makes sense. I'm tired  of it.

 

Perhaps you are right and I should just tell him to leave me alone more often - in the times when I am alone, I feel like I can give my brain a break. I felt a huge sense of relieve when he was not in the flat yesterday. I don't know what this means for us once this all passes. I just know, I am tired. 

 

I wish every strength and courage to deal with your loss  - it seems to me you understand where your emotions are coming from and you understand that that is part of it and you can allow it to be the way it is. A Dr. once said to me: we unnecessarily attach stigma to depression. All depression is, in essence, a way for the body to deal with your brain taking too much for too long. It is a natural process. The moment you bring acceptance into it - as opposed to fighting it....it'll become a whole lot more tolerable. Apparently so...

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Everly]

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