Ignored the signs of heart attack now my mom is Death.

[moi22]

excuse my english

 

My mom died a week ago from an heart attack. 3 days before she died we came from Europe. she came there to support me with my study and because i was depressed and suicidal. the last days were very busy and rush, even the flight was rush and when we landed we had to take our dog to the vet. in the night my mom said she had a pressure on her chest. she was says o maybe its form the dog pulling on the line. or from the fall, cause the fell the day before the flight and she said only her face hurt took an aspirin and we had a meeting. I called the person to please get us with the car cause my mom fell and i dont want her to walk that much. that night we had several meetings and she seemed fine except for the bruise on her nose and knee. she was suppose to go to the doctor in the morning. she did not go. she kept saying about the pain that night again. we went online and ignored the heart attack and looked at other things like pulling a muscle. next morning Friday she was suppose to to the doctor again i asked her but then we went to do other thing. in the car she said my hands hurt do you think its form the fall cause i landed on my hand, and she said i had a nightmare i ass paralyzed do you think i now but lets go to the doctor maybe you bruised one of your chest bones. but she said now the doctor i closed now i'll go tomorrow morning. the day went on. she seemed tired and i thought she was disappointed about a couple of things that happened and we talked about that and was worried the dog was going to die and wanted to go to the vet again the next day. She went to cook i said why are you cooking go rest. she said no and cooked. around 7 she said i'm going to lay down for a while. i asked her if i could rub something on her chest, she said no later. I went to look at her sleeping a couple of times and feel asleep also. i think she got up and talked to my dad and brother later but i was asleep. then i woke up she was asleep again and i went to sleep also again. Around 2 am i heard a noise and opened my door i saw her across the hall and she looked at me and went into the bathroom i went back to bed, after a few seconds or minutes she said to me help me look for an aspirin. i said i'm coming. but a few seconds past by and she said wait wait and i heard her back in her room talking to my dad. I went to look for the aspirin but i could not find it I opened her bedroom door i saw her laying in bed with my dad she did not say anything i assumed she was going back to sleep and everything was ok. cause she does drink a lot of aspirin and tells me drink also so it was like normal. In the morning it was to late. Now my dad said to me that at that time 2 am she told him she felt a pain on her chest and he told her tell what you feel so i can take to the doctor and she said no never mind. 

 

We have failed her, my dad feels guilty and me to. she was strong always so we did not take good care of her. and in her hour of need she was alone and scared. did she think we did not love her? did she feel abandoned? did i hurt her with arguments and my suicidal thought? even though we hugged later but still the pain remained. she did everything for us. strangers tell me your mom was the best. i tried to give her material things but did she know i loved her. Do i love her? why did i not help her? i do know what now? what will we do me and my dad how do we live. My brother says its Gods will but is it? did i love her did she feel alone abandoned did she know i love her. i told her a few weeks ago i feel lonely i have no friends no boyfriend i'm ugly and i hurt her. she said it her fault i told her no and we cried and hugged and i promised to drink my meds so i could be better by September. But maybe still she thought that her love was not enough for me. We talk 2/3 times a day on skype on the phone she came all the way to Europe to support me that's how much she did for me. Now i did nothing for her except buy stuff. i dont know what i feel what to do and with my dad i don't know how to help him. I cant have peace with the idea that she cant hear me. When i held her in the morning she seemed unconscious but was still making a strange noise. that paramedics were late. I talked to her but did she hear me. was she in pain was she aware and scared. I dont know what to do where to turn to cause she was all i had and she always had the answers.

[MayFGL]

Moi, I am so sorry for your loss of your mother. Your mom sounds like a beautiful person. She went to Europe to be with you at the most time of need. It's never easy to lose a parent. I know because I lost my mom on March 13, 2015 from a massive stroke.

 

Each day that passes seems harder and harder without my mom. I still grief. I know my mom is here to protect me. I know she can see and hear us. I used to think otherwise. Mom is not here any more and that is it...the end...period. Until I smelled mom one day. It's been about 7 times that I could smell her. I've heard her call my name as I was coming out of the bedroom. I felt that very slightest light touch on my lower back as I was pulling weed. I thought all this was my imagination but, after reading about it, it can happen.

 

I was like you. I kept thinking about the "what ifs", "could've s" and "should've s". I still feel guilty because I left mom in the restroom while she had the stroke. My mom was wheelchair bound and I was her main caretaker. I had two strokes previously and my rt side is week and one hand to work with. These last few years, I don't have a sense of time and forgetful. I took mom to the restroom and left her there. I don't know was it for 10mins? 15mins? 30mins? I just remember about mom and I jumped up.

 

I know you love your mom and she loves you, too. Some people would tell me that my mom can hear and see me but, you can't see them. I sometimes talk to my mom...it feels weird but, I do it. Be there for your dad and support him. 

 

It helps me to come on this site and post. You can say whatever is on your mind and you can vent. You won't be judged. Here is a HUG sending it your way.

[moi22]

Thank you, i wish you strength also and i hope my mom will visit me too.

[Everly]

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