She was in a nursing home for a very long time

[newfriend]

Before my mother died, she was in a nursing home for 8 years. She "qualified" to be there based on her health. Anyway, life for me changed when her life changed. Always an independent woman, she now either shared one room with a stranger and in a few rare instances, had her own room. But that was it. A room. Either shared or alone. In nursing homes you move around alot. IIn the state in which she lived, ifi you were gone for more than 3 days the nursing home by law can give your space to someone new and then once you return, you will be sent to a new nursing home. It is a horrible way to treat people. Because all of these "times away" were when she was hospitalized while being in the nursing home! I found this so hard to cope with. What was happening to her, was trickling down and happening to me too. As time went on and I began to really advocate for her rights as a nursing home patient, staff did not like it. They wanted to be the ones to call the shots as to how she was treated. But there was only one thing. "She" was my mother, not theirs. And she was too sick to stand up for herself. Her life in the nursing home put a wedge between us. And by that I mean that we could not do the same things anymore. She never left the nursing home. Oh, they had a few trips to Walmart or a local restaurant for lunch, but I mean my mother and I used to hang out when she was healthy. When she had her own home and car. We would hang out for a full day. That changed once she became a nursing home patient. It was very hard "sharing" my mother's well being with strangers. Strangers were taking care of her where she now lived. And to a large degree I had no say over what was going on. The place determined what time she ate at for example. Maybe in her life before the nursing home she had dinner at 8pm. But in the nursing home, dinner was at 5pm. I could not fight everything. I only spoke for her when there were things such as items being stolen from her room, or a nurse forgetting to give her medication, or the staff not helping her brush her teeth. Important things. She fell out of her bed 3 times. And they did not keep up the rails on the bed because the state in which she lived considered it as if they were holding someone prisoner if they did that! I wanted them up for her safety. Each timei she fell out of bed she had to take an ambulance to the hospital ER. There was always something happening and it was not her orchestrating it. She went through so very much. In case this all sounds like an isolated case, it isn't. Anyone who has had a loved one in a nursing home for almost 10 years would be telling the same story. Bad things happening is life in a nursing home. I can't imagine anyone saying they never had a problem with the way their loved one was being taken care of. If they did, I would only have to guess that they were not aware of some of the things going on. Because what my mother lived through was happening to others. And I saw this in all nursing homes she wound up in. Even one which was a "good one" there was a problem with a nurse who verbally abused her. The nurse was fired but still, my mother endured that. So that's kind of something a person may not know happened. Maybe one of the staff spoke to your loved one in a manner in which they should not have. But your loved one would not tell you about it. Or maybe you just never realized that pair of earrings was missing because you did not routinely check your mother's belongings. That's how people come to a point where they are not aware of bad things happening. Anyway, our relationship changed during this time. And eventually my mother lost her ability to talk. She lost her ability to swallow so she had a feeding tube put in. Her food and drink was put through a tube directly into her stomach. Having lived all of this happening to my best friend, my mother...was very traumatic. And then a decision was made to take her off life support and she died shortly thereafter. I am crushed beyond words. My daily life has changed because of her death. I miss having her to call. While she was in the nusring home at one stage but well enough to receive calls. I would sometimes call her at midnight. At this place she had her own room and her own phone. I knew she had a hard time sleeping and was up that late! So if I happened to be up, I would call her and tell her I loved her. But that changed. She could no longer talk. And she was never able to get her ability to walk back. She was in a diaper for the remainder of her life. And in a wheelchair. I can't believe this is my mother I am talking about. This kind of thing was not supposed ot happen to my mother. Am I still in shock? In some ways yes. I "can't believe this has all happened". She passed in 2012. My mother was the funniest person I have ever met. I miss you Mommy. And I still love you very much.

[MayFGL]

I am so sorry for your loss, newfriend. I'm so sorry that you mom had to go through so much. It's painful for both of you. It's very sad that we can't trust any "good" nursing homes. I once thought that nursing homes care for their patients with professionalism and utmost care. That changed many years ago. Even the best nursing homes patients would get bed sores.

 

The nursing home laws are strange. I didn't know that they could be kicked out and moved to another nursing home. It's like being an orphan. I understand for some families there are no options because they have to work. They can't care for them when there's a medical problem. They have no other options.

 

My mom passed away on March 13 from a massive stroke, so 4 months is coming up since her death. I vowed a long time ago to never put mom in a nursing home. It can be very traumatizing. I think patients would be very unhappy. It's like being in prison. They die faster.

 

When my mom died, I thought it was the end of the world. She was my best friend. We were partners in crime. I took it so hard. I was like you when we decided to remove the feeding tube. Devastated beyond words. How could we do this to mom? I thought. She needs her food. I keep replaying in my head the day she died in hospice. I'm still grieving. I still cry a lot.

 

Being on this site helps me. I get more support here than my family. I'm glad I'm here. You will find that we are not the only ones suffering. Everyone is on the same boat.

 

Here is a BIG HUG.

 

[JeanMihalick]

My mom was in for 10 years. She hated it at first and I'm sure always did to an extent, but it became easier for her when we got her her own phone. At least here it was 15 days before she lost her bed so she never did. She was good friends with her room mate but her room mate ended up getting moved to a different unit as her Alzheimer's advanced. What mom hated the most was being tied to the oxygen machine, only being able to go as far as her cord would let her. Or having to go off the concentrator on to a tank to go to activities or if we took her some where. Then she would be paranoid of running out. I remember my step dad's funeral she was crying cause they would only give her one extra tank so my brother who is a fireman was able to borrow 2, which of course we did not need but it calmed her down.

After she passed, I remember my husband saying to me now she can breathe on her own and is no longer tethered to an oxygen cord.

I must say that in all the years she was there, she never dealt with bed sores and all the nurses, CNA, kitchen staff and everyone was wonderful. Of course there were people mom disliked but when I talked to them there usually was a reason, like they wouldn't give her candy or something when her sugar was up. Mom was a stubborn ole biddy, that's for sure.

I'm sorry for your loss and I also love this site for helping me deal.

Hugs

[MayFGL]

Jean, I'm glad that the nursing home your mom was in was wonderful. I mean who wouldn't like to be around people who treat you the way you want to be treated. You don't hear a whole lot of stories like yours. I hear nothing but negative stuff. I hear and see about the abuse, neglect and stealing from the patients. 

 

I wish there were more like the ones your mom went to. My niece used to work at 2 nursing home when she was in high school. She said that the employees were terrible. She would hear patients calling and and they were ignored. They had no empathy. It's like deal with it. That's horrible!