I lost my Mom and my best friend

[kimmycimmy]

The morning of February 5th, 2015 I received a call from my Dad around 7:15 a.m. I just arrived at my daughters to babysit while she went to work and I couldn't figure out why he was calling so early, I thought he was having computer or IPad problems again, that's usually why they would call so early. When I answered the phone he was crying and said "she's gone", I said "who's gone", he said "Mom", stupidly I said "where'd she go", he said "she's dead". I sat there in stunned silence listening to him cry and couldn't believe she was gone, she couldn't be gone, I had just spoken to her two days before and we were planning out our summer. It finally started to sink in and I just broke down, he kept telling me over and over what had happened and how he tried to help her but nothing worked, that's all I could here on the other end of the phone but I couldn't stop crying to talk to him. I finally got control of myself and tried to speak with him but he was just in shock. They go to Texas for the winter months and she had just come back from playing Bingo at the clubhouse with her friends. They watched TV and then went to bed, he said he woke up because he heard her coughing but he could tell something was very wrong. He tried to give CPR and call 911 at the same time. They came and tried to revive her for an hour then continued in the ambulence to the hospital and then at the hospital too but she was already gone. She was so healthy and viberant for an 83 year old woman and it happened so quickly it's been very hard to accept. It took us a few days to get things squared away here and fly to Texas to be with him but by the time we got there she was already cremated and he and one of his friends that had been through this a few years before had made all the arrangements for the memorial, it was beautiful and so moving. My mom and I were more like best friends and she was my Mom. She was always there for me, if I needed to talk to someone it was always her, we hung out all the time during the summer when they came home and I hated when they'd leave for Texas in the fall because I'd miss her so much but I always knew they'd be back in the Spring. This Spring I had to fly down to Texas and drive back with my Dad and my Mom in her urn. It was the hardest trip I've ever had to make. It's been six months and it still feels like yesterday that she was gone. The pain is still so raw, I cry all the time, when I need to talk she's not there anymore. I didn't get to see her one last time and say goodbye. I told her I loved her when I spoke to her last on the phone but it still doesn't help. I'm trying to handle my own grief and trying to help my Dad through this. I worry about him so much because he's not getting any better about her being gone so it's his grief and mine that I'm struggling with. He still can't look at her photo's or talk about her without breaking down. He's so forgetful about everything and very spacy. He repeats things now all the time when you talk to him and he just told you the day before. We were at dinner with him last night and when we dropped him off at home I reminded him that we had lunch the next day and I'd be over around 12:30 because I had something to do beforehand. I got there and he was sitting in his chair and he asked me why I came over and I told him because we were going to lunch. He'd forgotten all about it and had already eaten. This forgetfullness seems to be hapening more and more frequently and I don't know what to do for him or for me. He will not go to grief counseling or a group, I've brought it up a few times. I've been reading about grief recovery and started seeing someone but he refuses. I know the statistics of loosing a spouce, about half die withint the first 2 years. He's not interested in anything and just sits home in his chair and watches TV. We get him out for supper a few times a week and I go over several times a week to be with him but I can't get him interested in anything. I know he wants to go and be with her wherever she is but selfishly I don't think I could handle loosing him now too.

I miss my mom so much, I'm crying as I write this. I think of all of the things we talked about doing this summer and now I just sit here. I'm not interested in doing anything except helping my dad but being around him so much just makes me worse. I have a hard time sleeping, I wake up having anxiety attacks and I feel helpless. I don't dream about her and that upsets me, I can't feel her around me and I want to so very much. My husband tries to help me but he feels helpless and doesn't know what to do so he just listens and lets me cry. I want her back so badly and I understand that will never happen but I still want it anyway. She wasn't suppose to leave.

If anyone out there has any thoughts of what I can do to help myself and help my dad I would be so grateful to read them.

Thank you,

[silverkitties]

Kimmycimmy, I am so sorry for your loss--especially since I lost my 82 1/2 year old mother last October to cancer. I can only imagine how much more bewildering it must be for you since you barely expected it. (I will spare the details about feelings and memories since I've written about it in my thread, Still missing my mom, and others.) 

 

What's interesting is that your dad's reaction is almost the opposite of my dad's. It's touching to see that yours is so moved by her death, even though it must also be sad and disquieting to you. You mentioned that he can't talk about her without crying. Perhaps it might be a good idea to talk about her and let him cry? Maybe let him come and stay overnight or over the weekend so he has company around him: that way you can discuss your mom with him safely.

 

Btw, I don't know how feasible it would be for him to stay with your family for about a month but that is what two of my friends and cousins have done. At least, he'll have people around him and feel less isolated even if he lives near you. 

 

Speaking of dreams, sometimes it takes a while before we dream of our loved ones. I've had dreams where I'm trying to find mom and do so. Sometimes it's waiting for mom to arrive home. When I wake up after such dreams, I occasionally feel even more depressed--realizing that it was only a dream.  There are others where I already know she's dead and feel the loss already.  I wonder if I will ever have any happy dreams again, i.e., dreams without regrets or after effects.

 

Anyway, it's not an easy process at all. Sometimes, the best way of managing your grief is by remembering your mom's legacy: to pass her own loving legacy down to your kids and grandkids. To remember what made her such a wonderful mom, practice it, and share it with everyone. To recall all of those special moments when she took you out, comforted you, joked with you, empathized.  (I wish I had such to look forward to but unfortunately don't since I am not married or have any kids of my own.)  It seemed to have worked for my own mother when her mom passed away--and hopefully, it can work for you too.

[hmason04]

Kimmy- My dad passed away 3 1/2 weeks ago and it was also unexpected, but he was only 60. The grief is still new to me and I am still in the numb dream stage where I don't believe that it is real. I am taking an effective speaking class over the summer and I am planning on doing a lot of writing and speeches about my dad. I have heard that it helps you heal so it's definitely worth a try. Why don't you and your dad try it?! Honestly, what's it going to hurt? If you need to talk I am here to listen.

[MayFGL]

I am so sorry for your loss, Kimmy. It's the hardest thing to lose a parent. I know because I just recently lost my mother on March 13 from a massive stroke. It's never easy to console someone whose spouse has died, but it can be challenging when the deceased is your parent.

 

Maybe it's best to have your dad move in with you for a little while. It's not good to let him stay by himself. It's too quiet and he'll be close to you. Help your dad by listening to him and encourage him to talk about your mother. Be patient with him and allow him to express his grief. Losing a spouse is not the same as losing a parent. It's a different level of grief. 

 

Your dad's behavior is normal. He just lost his wife. He will be forgetful, confused, depressed, lack of interest and no motivation to do anything. I read an article a few years ago about losing a spouse--that's how I knew.

 

It sure isn't easy to do this because you have to deal with your loss. Talk to someone---family, friend or therapist. I have nobody to talk to. My friends don't call anymore and I don't want to bother them. My family is doing far much better than I am. I was desperate and I came to this site to talk. I'm glad I found this site. I can share anything I want here. I find that I'm not the only one with pain of losing a parent, there are others. I made friends here. I hope this helps.

 

Hugs to you.

[Everly]

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[kimmycimmy]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and wisdom. It's comforting to know that we are in this together. I feel a little relieved that I'm not alone in this and that it's okay to still be this upset after 6 months. I saw a doctor recently that basically told me that me and my dad should be past the worst of it since it was going on 6 months. I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with us.

All of your kind words are so special to me right now and I'm so sorry for all of you that are also going through this. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. The pain is so umbarable some days that I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep through it.

It's kind of funny the Phychotherapist I just started seeing is so young and I really don't think he's ever counseled anyone for grief before. I don't know if I want to be his test subject but I feel I should give him one more chance. I actually feel I might get more out of this site than from him. I've also been reading some books that were recommended by a friend and they have been helpful too. Like me not being able to feel her around me is perfectly normal and I was feeling very sad about it, and about not dreaming of her is also normal. It's the stress of the situation that can cause these things.

I definitely don't feel like the same person that I was before this happened. I feel more serious, I don't really laugh or joke around anymore, I'm hoping that will come back eventually I just have to be patient. My mom was such a big part of my life I have to learn how to move forward with that portion missing. And I have to help my dad go forward too. After it happened he stayed down in TX until the Spring and I'm so glad he did, it's a senior community and there are so many that have been through this already with their spouses and they were there to help him and talk to him when it first happened. One of their close friends had him over for dinner every night until we came home so he wouldn't have to eat dinner alone. I'm so grateful to her. What was funny is there were two others who had lost their wives over the last few years and they ended up there for dinner too, she was the home for wayward spouses I'd kid her lol. Now that he's home these people are not close so he can visit them and speak to them about what he's still feeling so it's up to me to help him and I know what I'm going through but I can't imagine what he's going through. He also just lost his nephew to pancreatic cancer and now he found out his other nephews wife has inoperable lung cancer so he's getting hit and it's making it harder for him to deal with. I say his nephews because he is not my birth father, he died when I was 12, this is the man who has been my dad for 45 years, that's how long they were together so he is my dad.

I keep telling myself life goes on but sometimes I don't believe it. How do we go on with our lives without ever hearing their voice, their laughter, without their hugs, without her telling me everything will be okay. It's like that poem, I just want one more day to talk to her about all the things that didn't get said before she left.

I've been keeping a journal and it's good to get things out even if it's on paper but it's not the same as talking to people that feel the same way I do so that is why I thank you all for your input and support. It means more than you will ever know.

[MayFGL]

You're more than welcome, Kimmy. It's taking one day at a time. When my mom died, I just wanted to go with her. I felt depressed, angry, alone and guilty. I could be fine one minute and crying the next. I was angry because because how can my mom be gone? Why didn't she wait for me? It's not fair?

 

I still feel guilty. I was mom's main caretaker. When my mom had the stroke that day, I took mom to the restroom. She's wheelchair bound. I left and came back to check on her, but she wasn't ready. She had a bowl movement. When I went to check on her, she had the stroke. I've been feeling guilty ever since. 

 

You see, I've suffered a major stroke in 2005 and another minor one in 2007. My whole rt side is weak with only one good hand. These few years I'm forgetful at times and I don't have a sense of time. When I went to check on mom 10 minutes later---was it 10 min? 15 min? 30 min? I just remembered about mom and I jumped up to check on her but it was too late. I just don't know how long I left here there. I will always feel guilty. Recently, some of us posted that no matter if our friends try to talk to us to make us feel better, we'll always feel guilty.

 

Before I used to think 'Yeah, mom here to protect us.' Just going with the flow. Now, I know mom is here with us. We can't see them but they can see us. I could smell mom. She used to have aches and pains and I would help mom put it on. It's a very strong mentholated oil. The first time was the first week after the funeral. I sat on the recliner that mom used to sit on. I smell the oil right next to me. A few times I wake up smelling the oil. I wrote about it in Experienced weird signs from your loved ones? I also felt a very light tap when I was in the yard pulling weeds. I thought it was my dogs, but they weren't in the yard. I thought all these signs were mu imagination because I miss mom so terribly.  

 

I'm so glad that your dad's friend invited him for dinner. It was a very nice her. Your family has gone through so much--your mom, nephews, the wife.

 

Just try to stay busy. Even that sometimes doesn't help me. 

[Everly]

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