6 Months Out and Struggling

[epolak75]

My father passed away at the age of 59 December 14th, 2014.  He had congestive heart failure and had been waiting for a heart transplant that never came for 3 years.  At first, I could hardly get out of bed in the morning but then I seemed to be doing better; however, in the last week, I am back to struggling and I don't know why.  My sister posted a picture of my Dad from 6 years ago on Facebook the other day and I just lost it.  I think it was the fact that he had a huge smile on his face and it was ONLY six years ago.  I am so angry and I can't seem to get over it.  I feel like I am about to snap under the pressure at work and I can't seem to focus.  I also feel like everything is pointless aside from spending time with my family.  A lot of the time, I just want to scream and throw things.  I have had several people at work tell me that I am "not myself" or I don't "smile" like I used to.  I just want to look at them and say, "Yeah I am sorry I can't be my freaking cheery self all the time...you must have forgotten I lost my amazing father just six short months ago."  I have a very low tolerance for office drama right now too.  Like I said...it's all pointless.  

 

I have attached a picture of me and my dad right before he got sick.  Thanks for listening.

[silverkitties]

Epolak, I know how it goes all too well. Sometimes you'll be feeling good and then all of a sudden, the grief just socks you in the face. Many of us have been there--and today happened to be such a day for me. 

 

I lost my mom back in October; there have been times when I think I'm about to lead a more normal life again when a memory hits me. I'll be deciding what to wear and realize I wore that sweater the day I brought mom back home last June. Or I'll see something we bought on our many excursions to the local mall. Sometimes the skies will remind me of the day we visited her in rehab and found out she would be out in two days. Sometimes I'll be looking out the sidedoor at night and thinking of the time she returned home safe after several hours in ER two and half years ago.

 

The grief can be even more exacerbated when we're under stress. Knowing that in the past, you used to be able to consult your dad--but realizing now that you can no longer do so. It can make the day feel that much more unbearable and out of control. 

 

Anyway, you are not alone here: there are many who will listen and sympathize. I feel thankful that I've been able to share good memories of my mother with so many here. Gone but not forgotten, as they say. And sometimes, amidst the sadness, there's even a bit of laughter to remind us all that it's good to live after all. 

[Everly]

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[MayFGL]

Epolak, please accept my condolences. It is extremely difficult to lose a parent. I know exactly how you feel....angry, depressed, guilt. It's been just 3 months since my mom died from a massive stroke. There isn't a day that pass that I don't think about mom.

 

March 13 was when my mom died. There are so many lasting memories that I'll cherish forever. I'll never be able to hug and kiss her. I'll never be able to laugh and spend mother/daughter times with mom. 

 

I'm sorry that you had to experience idiots at work. My former co-worker and friend just recently text me to get over it and move on. I was rather shocked because she grieved longer when her mom died. I was there for her. None of my friends seem to call me after mom died but, I don't care.

 

Don't feel like you have to smile for anyone considering what happened. Grieve as long as you want and how you want.

 

You've come to the right place, Epolak. We are here to support each other. We don't judge either.

 

Hugs

[MissionBlue]

Dear epolak, I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I also lost my dad six months ago from congestive heart failure.  He was older than your dad, but his death is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in all my life. The picture of you with your dad reminds me of how happy I used to be with my dad.  I know how heartbreaking it is to lose your precious father.  For many people, parents are God's greatest gift to us.  I also am "not myself".  How can I be after I've lost the most important person in my life?  Other people don't seem to understand because they're not that deep.  Many people are materialists who just think about money and the next trip they're going to take.  At least, that's how it feels here in sunny California.  It's almost like grief is taboo here.  We don't have many grief support forums in San Francisco. 

On the bright side, many people who experience a devastating loss eventually find strength and resilience they didn’t realize they had.  It must be in our DNA. To my understanding, the death instinct causes us to re-enact traumatic experiences which makes it hard for us to get through our grief.  However, just as society has obtained some mastery over destructive impulses such as aggression, we can obtain mastery over our grief, even though it will never go away completely.   Some people think the death instinct is stronger than the life instinct, because we all die, but other people feel that love is the strongest force on earth.  There's a book called Love is Stronger Than Death by Peter Kreeft.  I haven't read it yet, but it looks interesting.  Some reviewers say it should be required reading for anyone who is going to die. 

 

Love is more powerful than death, stronger than the grave -- it is the legacy of the people who loved us.  I've read that it's possible to cherish the memory of a loved one and also enter a new phase of life with hope and greater self-confidence.  Our parents wouldn't have wanted us to give up on life.  Good people who care about other people help to make life worth living.  The trick is to find them.  My grief therapist says there are a lot of good people out there, and she meets more people than I do, so she ought to know.  I do know there are some really great people on this forum. 

[kimmycimmy]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, my mom passed in her sleep on February 5th of this year. She was perfectly healthy and just went to bed and didn't wake up. I'm still feeling the same as I did after it happened. Nothing is getting better, I still cry all the time. Sometimes I can look at her picture sometimes I can't without bawling. I'm reading some books that are helping me understand my feelings, here are the titles if you're interested in checking them out. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye, Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PhD, Midlife Orphan, Jane Brooks, and Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again by Dr. Catherine M. Sanders. I'm also keeping a grief journal to get my feelings down on paper. It helps me understand what I'm going through but I will admit it doesn't make it easier. My friends all tell me in time it will get better and I cling to that thought it's just getting through the here and now that is so very hard. Know that you are not in this alone and that is why I'm so grateful for this site. After responses to my story I now know that what I'm feeling is normal and that each of us has a different time period for their grief. If it lasts for 1 year, 2 years, or however long that that's okay because that is what we need to recover from these horrible experiences.

[epolak75]

Thank you so much for the book suggestions.  I will take a look for them on Amazon.  I tried to keep a journal...but I have written one page.  

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, my mom passed in her sleep on February 5th of this year. She was perfectly healthy and just went to bed and didn't wake up. I'm still feeling the same as I did after it happened. Nothing is getting better, I still cry all the time. Sometimes I can look at her picture sometimes I can't without bawling. I'm reading some books that are helping me understand my feelings, here are the titles if you're interested in checking them out. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye, Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PhD, Midlife Orphan, Jane Brooks, and Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again by Dr. Catherine M. Sanders. I'm also keeping a grief journal to get my feelings down on paper. It helps me understand what I'm going through but I will admit it doesn't make it easier. My friends all tell me in time it will get better and I cling to that thought it's just getting through the here and now that is so very hard. Know that you are not in this alone and that is why I'm so grateful for this site. After responses to my story I now know that what I'm feeling is normal and that each of us has a different time period for their grief. If it lasts for 1 year, 2 years, or however long that that's okay because that is what we need to recover from these horrible experiences.

[epolak75]

I actually did have a friend tell me, "Well, it wasn't like you didn't expect it...I mean, he was sick."  I didn't even know what to say to that.  Yeah, he was sick and yes, he had an LVAD (left-ventricle assist device) that was keeping him alive but he was still living life as normal as he could.  My parents were out to dinner and he had just placed his order when he fell over and was gone.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  He was supposed to get his heart and live another 20 years.  He was supposed to be there when my son gets married.  He was supposed to be there when my daughter graduates from high school in three years.  He was just supposed to be here with us.  

 

Those are the things I think about...nothing at work makes me smile.  I feel like it's all pointless.  I do my job and I do it well but the only thing that brings joy to me right now is spending time with my children.  They are what matters in life...not pointless work drama. 

 

epolak75, so sorry about your dear Dad  I completely understand how you are feeling. I am approaching 9mo since my Mom passed, and the grief still hits me hard.  We are all still in the very early stages of this process... your 6mo is simply still raw.

 

I'm sorry about the jerks at work, I have that too.  One woman said to me on the train "you look better, I'm glad.. you were SO depressed right after your mother died".    I looked at her and thought "you've got to be kidding me, you really didn't just say that"... but it doesn't stop there.  I lost a girlfriend to this grief cause her husband did not like how I was grieving.. said I 'should have expected it" "her Mom was old", and a number of different sayings.  I knew it was only a matter of time before I lost my girlfriend cause she can't stand up to her dumb ass husband, so she has stopped talking to me... let me put it boldly... ASK ME IF I CARE!

 

I look at it this way epolak... my number one priority right now is grieving my Mom.. and taking are of myself to my best ability while going through this grief.  Any jerk responses from people go right in the sewer, that's right, in the sewer and the big lid shuts tight above it.

 

I think it's very normal to experience what you are experiencing.  It's all part of the process.

 

Please stay and share more with us... we are a good group of support for one another.

 

Hugs and prayers to you.. and again, my condolences on the loss of your dear dear father

[epolak75]

Thank you for your kind words.  I think I went through the "depressed" state early on but I have been in the "anger" state for much longer.  I don't know how to move on from it either.  

 

Epolak, please accept my condolences. It is extremely difficult to lose a parent. I know exactly how you feel....angry, depressed, guilt. It's been just 3 months since my mom died from a massive stroke. There isn't a day that pass that I don't think about mom.

 

March 13 was when my mom died. There are so many lasting memories that I'll cherish forever. I'll never be able to hug and kiss her. I'll never be able to laugh and spend mother/daughter times with mom. 

 

I'm sorry that you had to experience idiots at work. My former co-worker and friend just recently text me to get over it and move on. I was rather shocked because she grieved longer when her mom died. I was there for her. None of my friends seem to call me after mom died but, I don't care.

 

Don't feel like you have to smile for anyone considering what happened. Grieve as long as you want and how you want.

 

You've come to the right place, Epolak. We are here to support each other. We don't judge either.

 

Hugs

[epolak75]

Thank you.  I am so happy I found this forum.  I am so sorry for the loss of your father as well.  It's the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life.  My dad was my hero and you said it best, my heart is truly broken.  I feel like I am just "getting by" most days.  He made me want to be a better person.  I continually tried to make him proud and now he's gone.  He was a wonderful man with a huge heart.  Everyone who knew him, loved him.  At his visitation, there was an hour long wait to pay respect to him.  

 

I don't know if I will get back to being "myself."  I think maybe an "after" version of myself but my heart will never be whole again.  I don't get to call my dad when I need his advice, I don't get to hear his stories of growing up, I don't get to hug him and feel like everything is going to be okay and all I have left is the anger of him suffering for 5 years for NOTHING.  He deserved that new heart and he deserved to enjoy the rest of his life.  

 

I hope you are right about moving on with hope.  

 

Dear epolak, I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I also lost my dad six months ago from congestive heart failure.  He was older than your dad, but his death is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in all my life. The picture of you with your dad reminds me of how happy I used to be with my dad.  I know how heartbreaking it is to lose your precious father.  For many people, parents are God's greatest gift to us.  I also am "not myself".  How can I be after I've lost the most important person in my life?  Other people don't seem to understand because they're not that deep.  Many people are materialists who just think about money and the next trip they're going to take.  At least, that's how it feels here in sunny California.  It's almost like grief is taboo here.  We don't have many grief support forums in San Francisco. 

On the bright side, many people who experience a devastating loss eventually find strength and resilience they didn’t realize they had.  It must be in our DNA. To my understanding, the death instinct causes us to re-enact traumatic experiences which makes it hard for us to get through our grief.  However, just as society has obtained some mastery over destructive impulses such as aggression, we can obtain mastery over our grief, even though it will never go away completely.   Some people think the death instinct is stronger than the life instinct, because we all die, but other people feel that love is the strongest force on earth.  There's a book called Love is Stronger Than Death by Peter Kreeft.  I haven't read it yet, but it looks interesting.  Some reviewers say it should be required reading for anyone who is going to die. 

 

Love is more powerful than death, stronger than the grave -- it is the legacy of the people who loved us.  I've read that it's possible to cherish the memory of a loved one and also enter a new phase of life with hope and greater self-confidence.  Our parents wouldn't have wanted us to give up on life.  Good people who care about other people help to make life worth living.  The trick is to find them.  My grief therapist says there are a lot of good people out there, and she meets more people than I do, so she ought to know.  I do know there are some really great people on this forum. 

[smk]

On 7/7/2015 at 6:59 PM, epolak75 said:

 One woman said to me on the train "you look better, I'm glad.. you were SO depressed right after your mother died".    I looked at her and thought "you've got to be kidding me, you really didn't just say that"

Oh my, that comment has happened to me several times the last month with my friends at work.  My mom died 5 months ago and I am really struggling.  When they say "I look better" I don't even know how to react.  It's like they think I had the flu or something and now I am better.  Meanwhile, I feel horrible, no motivation and I feel very disconnected to daily living.  The latest comment is "well just get through the holidays and then its a New Year. " Um, yes but that hasn't changed a thing for me.

I have always lived with my mom and when I bought my house, she stayed with me.  I have no children or husband, it was just her and me and over the last several year I was her caregiver, especially this last year.  Even had a full handicap bathroom installed in my living room with intention to have her move her bedroom downstairs into the living room.  The bathroom was finished the day before she went into the hospital and she died 4 days later.  She never used it.

Anyway, I had to share how that comment really hit home with me.  I have been off a week for the holiday break and go back to work tomorrow.  I am dreading it, because I know people will expect me to be back to my old self, which I don't think will ever happen.

Thanks for listining