Confused by delayed grief

[sjmno]

Hello, I am new to this forum and this is my first post. My mother died in September of 2013. I went to visit her out of state for a four day weekend, and she died the second day I was there. 4 months later, my husband ended up in the hospital diagnosed with severe Crohn's disease. 4 months after that, my first cousin, who is like a brother to me, died of a brain tumor. I held myself together very solidly for over a year, taking care of my husband, and anticipating my cousin's death.

It is only now that I find myself starting to have flooding of feelings of pain about my mother's death. We were very close, and talked on the phone every day. My feelings confuse and frighten me, because they are so strong and so overwhelming. I know it's not right to feel this way, but it seems to me I shouldn't be feeling this way by now.

I would greatly appreciate hearing from others who had this kind of delayed reaction. I was sad on and off up until now, but not like this. Mostly I actually seemed to be angry and anxious before this. I did feel myself starting to feel better only recently, my heart opening up again, and then this flood came. I guess that makes sense in a way.

I would greatly appreciate hearing from anyone who has had this kind of a delayed intense reaction, and thanks to anyone who takes a moment to respond.

[MissionBlue]

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your mother and your cousin.  I found the following site called "Delayed Grief" which I hope will be helpful to you:

 

http://www.comfort-for-bereavement.com/DelayedGrief.html

 

I was very close to my father who passed away six months ago, and to my surprise and everyone else's, I didn't cry at his funeral.  The first two months I could only cry in short bursts, because I was still in shock.  In the last few months I have started to weep more openly and easily, because now the reality of his death has set in.  Some days I feel worse than others, but as time goes on I am feeling more lonely, especially now that my attempts to make new friends locally haven't been that successful.  I have endured the loss of loved ones before, but I always had my father to give me the moral support I needed.  Now I don't have anyone to be here for me on a daily basis.  Your mother and cousin no doubt provided the moral support you needed to deal with crises and now they aren't there.  With your husband dealing with his illness that makes three intense grief issues you are dealing with.  You are obviously a very strong person, but even the strongest of people succumb to grief sooner or later and need support.  This is a great forum to find grief support.  It has helped me a lot.   

[MayFGL]

sjmno, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing so many loved ones in such a short time apart. I would think that anyone who knows you would certainly understand the difficulties to process so much loss. You have every right to feel however you need to feel to get through the day. With so many lost, you didn't have time to grieve each one. 

 

You will have your precious memories of your mom having those phone conversations with you...when you hugged your mom...when you kissed you mom...when you and mom laughed about a joke...when you went shopping with mom...or simply just had tea with your mom. You will always cherish these memories. 

 

Just like my mom. She recently passed on March 13 from a massive stroke. It's been 3 months already. I used to watch her favorite Chinese opera on DVD with my mom. We went shopping holding hands. I remember she asked me, "why did you let your hands go?" I replied, "Because my hands are sweating." I taught her simple English words and we'd laugh till we cried. I will miss her hugs and kisses. These are some of the things that I will always cherish.

 

So, you have every right to grieve as long as you want and how you want. You will have good days and bad days. You should give yourself all the space and time you need.

 

My condolences

[MissionBlue]

MayMW, just wanted to say that I can relate to fond memories of our loved ones' language challenges.  My sweet late grandmother, whose first language was Spanish, used to have a cute light blue parakeet that liked to dance back and forth on its perch.  When I was a little girl I asked her the bird's name.  She replied, "Teepee". I thought that's odd to name a bird after an American Indian tent.  Then I realized she had named the bird "Tippy".

[Everly]

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[sjmno]

I am very grateful for people taking the time to respond to me. It helps quite a bit. I'm surprised by the kind of feelings that I'm having at this time, it's just not what I expected grief to feel like. I feel so overwhelmed, and at times I feel like a little kid feeling helpless without their mom. My mother was elderly and I am no kid! Have other people had this experience?

[MayFGL]

sjmno, my mom died when she 86. All her children are adults. I'm the youngest of six. I'm 49 yo. Many times I feel so helpless. I still need my mom here to guide me, to talk with and to laugh with. If she was here still, I'd take her to go out and eat. Mom wasn't the type to eat out, but, this last four years or so, I didn't have to say it twice.

 

I still cry for mom. I don't get support from family so I decided to do online support. I'm so glad that I found this site. You can write whatever is on your mind, you can vent and just share anything you want. You won't be judged. You will meet new friends here. 

[Everly]

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[sjmno]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience & feelings with me. Truly. I am having trouble accepting that what I'm feeling is grief because it feels so relentless, after 18months of feeling little pain. It is very confusing. And frightening.