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Sudden loss of my father, now I feel lost


medders30

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I'm a 24 year old Male from the UK and only 2 days ago I lost probably the most important person in my life since I was born. My whole life revolved around him and I loved being around him, and so did he. My father suddenly passed away around 4pm this Tuesday the 16th. He was 63.

 

He suffered a stroke around 8 years ago and since then he couldn't work anymore so after a while he began to work in the garden everyday growing vegetables and flowers and so on, regardless of how such an ill man he was with all of the complications like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, the list goes on, he kept going because he enjoyed working.

 

He was diagnosed with diabetes when he suffered the stroke and before that he didn't take any medication. He then had to swallow around a dozen pills every morning and inject himself with insulin. But beginning from around 2010/2011 he began to drink heavily and he didn't really watch after himself as he should have. As you might guess this put enormous strain on me too which made me very anxious and worried all the time, even with the smallest thing like if he would say his head hurts or something I would become paranoid and worry about him for a few days.

 

For the past 6 months or so I have been even more anxious for some reason, like I could feel something was going to happen but at the same time was hoping nothing would. This might sound strange but we slept in the same bedroom in two different beds, and my mother slept in the other bedroom. Don't ask me why this was the case, it has always been the case since I was very young and I have always slept in the same bedroom as my father which means I have gotten used to it for 20 years.

 

I sit at my desk on this computer most of the time and he was in the corner of the room next to me, and there is a television in the room. So 2 days ago he did what he usually did like any other day, he went to the garden around 11 in the morning and just worked there for a good 4 hours and then came upstairs for a quick nap like he usually would with the television on. This is the way I remember things and what made me happy, the fact that I was sat at my computer and him on the bed watching television. I could feel a sense of company and warmth when like that all the time.

 

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary except for the fact that he had drank again the previous night, he would usually drink every other day and then take a nap when he was hungover. He went to sleep around 30 minutes or so after coming into the room and I went downstairs to make a quick cup of tea. Around 10 or 15 minutes later when I went back into the bedroom I could see something was wrong because he was pale in the face, and I never saw that before. Then I realised that he had gone. They later said it was due to the coronary artery which caused the heart to stop functioning, so he went like a switch with no pain or symptoms.

 

Although I am now sat in my bedroom alone and very quiet and feel lost, I am happy about the way he went because it was like it was meant to happen. What if it had happened in the garden or the kitchen? The fact that he was warm in bed, television on, sleeping and me with him in the room when he went to sleep is very reassuring to me. He always said that he liked being in the bedroom with me, that was probably his most favourite place to be. Both my older brother and sister have moved out for many years and have their own children but I couldn't move out while he was still here because I was afraid I would break his heart.

 

He was also very proud of me because I am currently in university and I am the first person in the family to go to university, and I have no conscience whatsoever because after the stroke my mother and I cared for him everyday and he knew I was very kind with him and tried my best. The only problem I have now is that I am alone in my bedroom everyday with an empty corner where he always was, and it's also very quiet because the television isn't on, and if I turn it on I am only reminded of how I would watch it with him, so it's not the same to watch it by myself. I am also constantly reminded of what I saw when I first came into the bedroom which made me go into a state of shock, and I still can't believe it's happened.

 

I really don't know how I am going to adapt to my new way of living without my father next to me in the bedroom everyday. I now feel lonely because although my mother also lives in the house it's not the same with her. I prefer the particular TV shows my father watched like quiz shows which he was very good at, and as you can imagine I would lay on my bed and he would also lie in his own bed and watch quiz shows and answer questions with each other, we both liked politics too, and also historical documentaries. I'm a very introverted person, I don't socialise and go out with friends. I preferred being at home in my bedroom with my father doing everything I've mentioned. It's going to be tough to continue, but I am now posting a topic on this forum because I just need to talk to people and feel reassured about things.

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silverkitties

Medders, you have my condolences. I know almost exactly what you're going through as I'm going through much the same myself--even though my mom died more than 8 and a half months ago and I'm more than twice your age.

 

It is extremely difficult when you are so close to a parent. Believe me, I've written about this numerous times here--including my own thread, Still missing my mother. I remember trying to keep back the tears when I was shopping for groceries a few days after her death: it was painful to recall all those happy times we had discussing what to prepare for dinner in the days before her stroke. And hard to think that I would never again prepare any of her meals. It's hard to browse online and find something I know she'd like--before realizing that I can't buy it for her because she's gone. To show her something I published--before realizing that she can't read it. In fact, this just happened 45 minutes ago.

 

So I know what you mean when you say that you miss having your dad in your room, with him watching TV while you worked at the computer. Or when both of you sat watching TV together. I've shared many such hours with my mom too. She'd watch a Japanese program while I sat and read in the armchair. Then sometimes we'd watch movies and shows together, discussing them afterwards. In fact, she was the one person with whom I could discuss a diverse range of topics, from stocks, fashion, literature, history, and films, to politics; my friends and I stuck to politics and politics only. But naturally, with my mom's passing, everything has changed. No more shows. No more interesting restaurants. No more shopping excursions, even if it was just to the local drugstore. Not even "Mom, you have to see this cat video on youtube," LOL.  Because my dad is nowhere near as intellectually curious (despite the fact that he has more formal education than my mom), it's just not the same. In fact, I have not watched any movies since the passing of my mom back in October.  It's like a part of me has died with her. 

 

I know the curse of introversion as well. When it's combined with sensitivity and critical skills, it can feel like a double whammy, both a blessing and curse. A blessing because you have more insight. But a curse because you feel so much more deeply--it's a capacity that not many share.  I've joked that one of the occupational hazards of being a historian is having memories and recollections play over and over in your head. Seeing scenes of my university in England brings back so many fond memories of my mom's visits over the 7 years I was there studying and teaching. It's the same for London: how can I forget all those treks to the big Marks and Spencer's, the bookstores on the Strand? And the times my mom humored me by accompanying me to several antiquarian bookfairs after an Indian buffet? Ditto NYC where I grew up and now teach...all chock full of memories of mom: going to the museums, shopping, dining out. 

 

Just wondering: do you talk to your mother at all? Maybe you might feel better if you can discuss your dad. Perhaps you can even reach out to his relatives or best friends. I know I felt comforted discussing my mom with her sister and learning things I never knew about her. Of course, it wasn't the same as having her...but it made me feel a little less isolated, a little less alone. 

 

And, not least, there is always this site. I've spilled quite a bit here--probably more than I should;) But I generally feel better and more capable of concentrating afterwards.

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MissionBlue

Medders and Silverkitties, I sympathize so much with you both.  I have only watched about three films on tv since my dad died in December.  I would normally watch at least one film per day with my Dad.  One film I watched recently was  "A Walk Among the Tombstones" (2014), because a cousin wanted to watch it and the title appealed to me, considering my current state.  It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.  The other film was a documentary about grief which just depressed me more.  And the third was the documentary, Cancer: The Emperor of All Maladies which was very good but sad. 

 

I miss my dad more than I can say.  He was my life.  My dad had a lot of medical problems, too, and he tried so hard to keep on doing things around the house.  He even helped me take out the garbage up until a couple of weeks before his death.  I felt so sorry that he no longer had the strength which used to be a source of pride and well-being to him.  It is terrible to see our loved ones decline.  One thing he never lost was his good looks.  Even on the day he died, a nurse remarked on how handsome he was.  Of course, once the spirit leaves the beauty departs, but the mortuary did a very nice job.  He seemed to have the slightest trace of a smile during the viewing.  I placed a boutonniere of a red rose in his lapel, in honor of his mother who was named Rosaura.  My dad had a rose tattoo on his left upper arm in her honor. 

 

I know exactly what you mean about that sense of company and warmth which you miss.  That's how I felt when my dad was with me.  When I wasn't right there beside him on the couch, I'd be on the computer in the dining room, or fixing meals in the kitchen, while he was watching tv in the living room or doing whatever light chores he could manage.  Even though we never stopped having problems to deal with, all was right with the world as long as we had each other. 

 

And Silverkitties, I know about the joy of showing my dad videos on YouTube.  I was so disappointed when my they took the VideoBuzz channel off the Roku and then my Plex account wouldn't stream YouTube videos anymore on our tv.

 

Medders, the way you described the peaceful passing of your father is very moving.  I'm so glad that he did not suffer. 

 

I can also relate to your both liking quiz shows.  My dad and I would sometimes watch Cash Cab, a quiz show on wheels in New York City.  We liked political and historical documentaries, too.  I have no real friends close by either.  I have tried making new friends, but they have a very different, hedonistic lifestyle, which I can't quite relate to.  One friend wanted me to party at a nightclub with her on Father's Day of all days, and I told her I can't dance yet.  It would be like dancing on my father's grave. 

 

That is wonderful that you can look back at the way you cared for your father without regrets.  He was blessed beyond measure to have you as his son, someone who made him proud and who was a source of comfort to him.  I couldn't leave my father by himself either.  I was with him for 55 years, so you can imagine the pain I am going through and I can certainly understand what you and Silverkitties are going through.  God bless you and all the other dedicated caregivers on this forum. 

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, my half brother this evening was recommending to me the Stephen Ministries which is a free service to help persons in need of prayer and moral support.  Stephen Ministers  are laypeople—Christian men and women—trained to provide one-to-one care to people experiencing a difficult time in life, such as grief, divorce, job loss, chronic or terminal illness, relocation, or separation due to military deployment. They have a website here:

 

https://www.stephenministries.org/

 

They operate in 24 countries besides the USA and Canada.  My half brother used to be a Stephen Minister about 24 years ago, until he got too busy as an RN and a semi-professional dancer.  Unlike therapists, a Stephen Minister is more like a friend who will go with you to a restaurant or cafe or some other location where you can talk in comfort.  My brother used to go camping with one of his care receivers. 

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Hi, sorry for the late reply. I have been reading both your replies the last week but haven't been bothered to reply until now.

 

So the funeral was today and although I am still upset about all of this happening so quickly in the past week, I do feel a little better but as I've said things won't be the same again.

 

I must say that I have been getting weird signs too, I might be imagining things but I'd like to know whether any of you have ever received signs from your deceased loved ones and do you believe in it? I have been smelling what I think to be my father's aftershave in my bedroom these past few days, but they've only been little whiffs at best.

 

Also, to answer your question silverkitties, yes I have been talking with my mother and also my family but as you can imagine it doesn't really help because I am still stunned and still trying to adapt to everything that's happened this past week.

 

What I have been doing though, and I did this before all of this happened, is I have been sitting with my mother downstairs watching television but as you can imagine it's not the same because she doesn't like the same tv shows my father liked.

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silverkitties

Medders--and Missionblue, it will take a while to digest...and I'm not sure one ever gets over grief entirely. Some days you'll be feeling fine; and then all of a sudden, there will be a trigger out of nowhere. Maybe you'll be rereading something you associate with your dad. Maybe the radio will play a song that your dad liked.  Or maybe you'll see the shirt you were wearing when your dad passed.

 

I've mentioned some of the "signs" in my thread, Still missing my mom, so I'll be brief here: according to Buddhists, the deceased returns home for a visit after 7 days. I recall that exactly a week later, my two cats ran like crazy to her bed and sat there at 11:45 am; they hadn't been there for months. They did this again when the urn containing her ashes arrived. There were momentary power outages when my dad and I were discussing preparation for a memorial service, which happened again on her birthday. Then there was the time when the nightlight turned on by itself downstairs. I have to admit I'm an agnostic--and do believe there probably was a natural cause for these incidents. For instance, there may indeed have been an outage in our neighborhood and just didn't check. The light turning on could have been caused by a roof leak--and we've had quite a few of them this year. Not least, I do dream about my mom quite a bit, but I attribute this to the fact that I think of her so much. But I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that sometimes I like to see all of these incidents as "signs" and that there's nothing more depressing than the thought that I might not see her again in an afterlife.

 

There was a funny incident when I smelled my mom's perfume. Then realized it was dad wearing it as a deodorant--LOL.

 

Of course, Medders, your relationship with your mother will never replace that between you and your dad: just like some of your friends will always be closer to you than others.  I see this all the time at home too. My mom was the "go to" person when I wanted to watch movies and shows, whether it was on TV or on the silver screen. I've never really been able to watch anything with my dad; always enjoyed my mom as she was so much more perceptive, so much faster on the uptake.  My dad has just asked me if I wanted to go to the senior center and watch a movie with him tomorrow; I don't know if I can because I am so afraid of blubbering right there.

 

Just wondering: does your mother seem depressed, Medders? Sometimes comforting another make also make us feel better.

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Hi, thanks for your reply, silverkitties.

 

Yes, I do like to believe that I have already began to receive signs but I do also wonder whether it's just me imagining things. I went to see him in the chapel of rest yesterday (with the casket closed) and it was a small room with a lightbulb on the roof. It may be the fuse of the bulb or whatever but the bulb started to flicker a couple of times when I was talking with him. This might have been a sign but who knows. I have actually asked for signs this past week but I would prefer something more obvious like the light going on or off in the room, as scary as that might be.

 

I did also notice that his favourite song was on the radio yesterday, so who knows, signs or coincidences?

 

As for my mom, she doesn't really seem that depressed but I will be spending my time from now on with her in the dining room when I have the chance, as unfamiliar as that might feel.

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Meddars, I am so sorry for your loss. I know every emotion that you're feeling. I understand because my mom died on March 13 from a massive stroke. She was my everything---my best friend, my adviser, my teacher, my rock and our family glue. 

 

My mom was also into gardening. She planted all kinds of Chinese vegetables and melons. She planted string beans that were as long as a yardstick. She also planted bitter melons, snow peas, Chinese spinach, Chinese cucumber, winter melons just to name a few. She was very proud of her garden.

 

I also shared a bedroom with my mom because space issues. I slept in the same bed with throughout my teenage years. I didn't mind at all. I moved into my own bed a few years later. I moved back sleeping with mom when she became wheelchair bound. I was afraid that I wouldn't hear her call me when she needed to use the bathroom. 

 

Mom also suffered a stroke 20+ years ago and recovered from it. I may even follow her footsteps because I had a major stroke in 2005 and another in 2007. It left me handicapped with one working hand. I was mom's main caretaker. Even though it was challenging for me, I would take care of mom all over again in a heartbeat.

 

Like you, my sister and I were the first in the family to attend college/university. Your father is looking down on you so proud of his son. He wouldn't want it any other way. You were there when he was sick. Not too many people your age would do that.

 

My mom's favorite game show was The Price Is Right with Bob Barker. I remembered asking her, "Mom, would you be a contestant on that show?" She replied, "Sure, if they spoke my language." She spoke Chinese.  

 

You asked if anybody ever received weird signs? For me, yes. I posted in Lost a Parent yesterday that I read and shared. It's about 5 signs your deceased loved ones communicate. I experienced 3 out out 5. I smell mom and I heard mom call my name. I thought it was my imagination but, after reading, I think mom communicated.

 

Medders, I'm so frustrated because I was getting ready to post two hours ago and it took me all the way to the log in page. It didn't auto save either but only the first two sentences. I can't type fast either because I only type with one hand. It's not the first time it happened to me.

 

 

 

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silverkitties

Medders, I hear you on the light--I suspect we will never know until we go ourselves. I too would love to hear from my mom one day that she did indeed send us signals to say that she was looking after us. 

 

Perhaps your dad didn't want to send anything more obvious for fear of scaring you! It's so hard to say. The incident w/  the nightlight happened to me when I was shoveling snow that afternoon. I remember crying, thinking that last year when I was shoveling, mom was still around. That she would be in the kitchen preparing hot cocoa or tea. And now there was no one to do it for me. No one to chat after 2 hours of shoveling through 15" of snow.

 

Then when I entered, I was surprised to see the nightlight on in the hallway. I knew it could not have been the cats because it is difficult to turn on. I asked my dad if he had gone downstairs and turned on the light; he said he hadn't even gone downstairs. The last time it was lit was when my mom was still alive.

 

So what was it? I have no idea. Although  I suspect it was most likely a water leak affecting the circuitry.

 

Then there was the very afternoon my mom died. I had already been playing some music--Mozart's requiem and Schubert's Ave Maria--in my mom's room after she passed; we were certainly planning on having the latter performed at her memorial service.  When Dad and I exited the hospital for the last time, the mechanical piano was playing none other than the Ave Maria. By then I was so drained that I couldn't even cry at that point.

 

The music that you heard and this could all be coincidences; especially if they're somewhat popular or familiar. (I actually heard the Ave Maria again in the grocery around Xmas--although it is frequently played then.) Yet, it feels so cold to think they are merely so.

 

But what I try to do is to commemorate my mom in some way every day. I hope to put up a tribute to her on Youtube. When I publish my textbook, it will be dedicated to her. And make his memory live by doing everything you admire about him.

 

We have a mulberry tree in our backyard. My mom always used to tell me, "don't be so greedy and pick off every berry. Leave some for the birds and other animals." And so this year, I'm doing exactly so.  I'm trying my best to be generous, to be everything she was.

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I won't say I know what you are going through because I don't. Everyone grieves differently and the relationships are also different, but I can totally understand. I haven't been able to sleep really since my dad passed. It's like I have just been numb going through the motions. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

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VivaLaBamba

This is my first time posting and I hope I can be helpful to you. 

My father died very suddenly and unexpectedly In January this year. Myself and my father had a very unique relationship, not the conventional Daddy and daughter type, something genuine and irreplaceable. The first thing I had to wrap my head around was the fact that grief in my opinion is a different kettle of fish to loss, the loss of my Dad I come to terms with relatively quickly, I accepted that the physical being on my Dad wasn't going to be around, for me to touch in the literal sense, the grief was a new experience to me, I'm only just 24 and where as I had lost friends previously I realised grief hurt a lot more than I originally thought. I have googled the stages of grief hundreds of times, reading them with precision and getting angry when it didn't relate to me, experiencing one stage on a monday then revisiting it on Wednesday, discovering new stages that no one has written about.. this is because each experience of grief is completely personal and there is no right way to do it, how you are feeling is completely normal.

I found that I write a lot more and find this very therapeutic, it's all very personal, there was a period where everything I saw or thought about I would relate back to my father ridiculous things that had no real meaning and where as i still do this daily the emotions arnt as intense simply because I write about them, I've always been fond of writing and singing, so where as I can't burst into song when in the middle of work I can whip out my phone and scribble something in my notes, Iv'e found that this sort of therapy helps me feel some sort of closeness to my dad, it lets me share something with him interpersonally and reduces anxiety, is there is a hobby that you enjoy perhaps start frequenting this more?.

Things haven't gotten easier as such for me I have  just put mechanisms in place to allow me to grieve but also not let it become a paramount part of my daily routine, truth is you will always grieve an individual but I honestly believe that eventually grief becomes something more like remembering and comfort.

Iv'e rambled ridiculously,

Hope i'm some sort of help, you really aren't alone 

x Amber x

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