Lostapartofme

[Worstdaughterever]

My mom was diagnosed with ild in 2010 .since 2012 she was on oxyegen as her lung start deteriorating.i knew that somewhere deep that she hasnt much to time left,however she never accepted it and was in complete denial .to see my mum struggling for breath on 02 was so so traumatic to me.it was like living nightmare.my mum was part of me and i could feel her pain in me too as a result i relapsed into depression and started self harming.i locked myself into room crying days and nights fear her approaching death.in jan this year when her condition deteriored very much i was in complete escapiscm and looked myslef into my refusing to see the reality.for that one month she was bedridden she used to call me but i use to sit in another room crying my heart out not gathering enough courage to see her in this state.i thought i would end myself with her but because of my father and brother am still alive.i was pursuing law degree and now have left it.she lost her battle on 26th feb.since then i have been living like a walking dead not able to fathom the reality.ps i am 21 year old and she was only 43.

[sad&lonely]

Don't be so hard on yourself, everybody deals with death in different ways, you were trying to deal with your emotions whilst trying to care for a poorly mum.

We had no warning when my mum died very suddenly, there was no watching her waste away with an illness like there was when my dad died from MND, I selfishly sometimes think of she had of been I'll I could of said goodbye etc, but that would of meant her suffering, selfish of me to think that, but its our emotions.

Take time to focus on what you want out of life, maybe consider going back for your study, try to make something of yourself..

This is our life, no trial run, and we never know how long we have left to enjoy it.

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for both of your losses.  My heart goes out to both of you.  I just can't bring myself to address the 1st poster by the name listed...instead I will call you "Mostlovingdaughterever".  I hope you don't mind but I can see the love for your mum throughout your post.  Like "Sad&lonely says, "don't be hard on yourself."

 

There are so many reasons that losing a parent is so hard.  We are extensions of our parents, a part of them in every sense of the word.  We lose a big part of ourselves when a parent leaves us.  

 

I lost both parents in an 11 month period.  I wasn't over losing my mom, then my dad passed on.  Very difficult time and I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.  Then the lights went on.  In knowing my parents like I know them, I knew deep in my heart that they would always want the best for me.  The last thing they would want would be for me to crawl into a hole and not live my life.  I had to really keep that thought in my mind for my own sanity and to honour my parents. Today I still miss both of my parents like crazy but whenever I think of them, I know they would be happy that I am getting on with life and doing the best I can.

 

You are always going to miss your dear mum, but as the healing of this loss takes place you will want the same thing for yourself that your mum would want for you....and that is the very best of everything.  

 

take care

Cindy Jane