adult orphan panic attacks

[butterflykisses]

this picture of my mother Linda was taken December 2006, which was the one and only Christmas I was able to spend with my birth mother.  My paternal (dad's ) parents raised me.  My grandmother that raised me passed in 2000...My grandfather that raised me passed in 2007...my maternal grandmother that I met once passed in 2001....my birth father passed away in 2010 and my birth mother just passed last month (April 22, 2015)  I first spoke to her on the phone when I was 13 and then met her for the first time when I was 17.  My parents didnt' raise me because my father was in the Vietnam war and suffered ptsd, alcoholism and was a heroin addict.  He was verbally physically and sexually abusive...I was in their custody from birth to 3  years old and have no recollection or memory of that time period, but have this flashback of terror of being hurt by him...my mother had a lot of mental problems due to being molested and becoming pregnant at 13.  Her parents took her to Mexico to get an abortion and locked her up in a mental institution to save the reputation of the dentist step father that she was victimized by...She was misdiagnosed several times and had shock therapy.  She had been diagnosed as bipolar...I had a complicated relationship with her and I did become close to her but also distance separated us as she lived 6 hours away and I would only get to see her once in a while...plus, it was hard to deal with her illness...as a teen she would call in the middle of the night on a manic episode talking about what my father did to her when I was a baby and how he abused her and she feared for her life.  I don't know why Im talking about all this, but I guess just to let you know that I come from a broken family and suffered from neglect abandonement and abuse so there's a bit of a different situation than the person who has been raised by their birth mothers.  People tended to dismiss my feelings when my grandmother died because they didn't realize it was like my real mother even though she didn't raise me...I didn't have any support through that situation and felt alone and isolated in it...I was also raised by my grandfather and when he passed away I didn't even get to say goodbye...my aunts got greedy for money and hid him from me because they wanted him to take me out of the will.  They didn't tell me when he died and I didnt' find out about it till a month later.  I didn't even get to go to his funeral....I was in survival mode and just had to go on with life with no real time to take it easy or grieve...because I didn't trust many people I isolated myself and didnt' let many people into my life.  time just went on and I figured Id just get over it...adjust...move on...but I developed a fear of people, like I was paranoid that everyone was out to get me and so I kept everyone at arms distance and developed social anxiety to the extreme of almost becoming agoraphobic.  At the time I developed a closer relationship with my estranged mother...one thing she always did that my grandparents never did was tell me that she loved me and I could talk to her about a lot of things I would have never dreamed of telling my grandparents, such as the fact that I'm a lesbian...I was a closet case with my grandparents and they found out and it was a lot of drama, but my mother accepted me and loved me no matter what.  My grandparents were the type to never say I love  you or express any feelings and I felt embarrassed to show any feelings around them...When I developed a closer relationship with my mom there were time periods where we wouldn't get along because she did a lot of things that hurt me and wasn't the mother I wanted her to be...there was a lot of disfunction and she would be in a phsycotic episode and Id be caught in the middle of it where she would blame me for things like her getting an abortion when I was 13...My grandmother had my sister and I write her a letter when she found out that she was pregnant telling her that she shouldn't have any more kids since she had already lost 5 to the system...I was just doing what my grandma told me to do and later my mom called me a stuck up little bitch that made her get an abortion...so we had years of getting along and having love caring and supportive relationship mixed with random pshycotic episodes where she would go off on me or blame me or steal from me...I had spoke to her randomely but the last time I spoke to her she upset me because I was crying about one of my friends who committed suicide and she told me that she went to hell...my mom would quote bible scriptures at me sometimes and tell me that super religious stuff...not something I needed to hear when I was greiving the loss of my friend who commited suicide...a lot of times in her depressed states I couldn't deal with her negativity and pessimistic view on life and her belief that the world owed her something and her kids owed her something...she would say that she was broke and needed money and would try to manipulate me by telling me that my brother gave her some money and that none of her other kids had done that for her...I was always strapped for money myself, but when I went to visit her I was the one who paid to drive 6 hours there and back from Huntington beach to Sacramento and I was the one who took her out to dinners and treated her while she took advantage and ordered the most expensive thing on the menu saying she deserved it because she was my mother...things like that went on during our relationship so it was like I would take breaks from her sometimes because I couldn't deal with her selfishness or her mental illnesses.  I didn't know what to feel when I found out she died...I felt shocked and num and unable to cry or feel anything at first...about 3 days later I was able to cry a little with some music that reminded me of her...I'm pretty much on here to write about it because when I try to talk to people about it I get a panic attack and it becomes hard to breath like an asthma attack or something...I start coughing and breathing heavy and kind of gasping for air because I get so full of anxiety...that happened about 2 times while trying to discuss it...the first couple days I was having those same symptoms without even talking about it...just by thinking about it...I started to feel guilty because 2 weeks prior on the 6th or 7th she came on my mind heavily and I felt I needed to call her but the conversation didn't go well...she wasn't even making sense...she was talking at me not to me and she wasn't responding to anything I said...she seemed disoriented and not coherent...she mentioned the Copd and osteoporosis and how she had kept falling and had to have pins in her hip...in the beginning of the conversation she said that she stopped smoking and then about 10 minutes later she said that her boyfriend was coughing from her second hand smoke....she just wasn't all there...maybe she was dissociated or something...It's hard to explain to be honest...I got off the phone and 7 days later I got a message from my brother that said she was not doing well and that she was in the hospital...that brother wasn't in much contact with her and I thought he was just telling me what had been going on since November she had been in and out of the hospital....then he said that they were taking her off the breathing tube and that she should be fine if she stops smoking...My other brother, sister and him made arrangements to see her and my plans fell through because I didn't have the financial means...my car had issues and had broke down on me 3 times since October and was due for service and tires and didnt' have money for a rental etc.   I planned to try to call but I kept not being able to face it...like I was avoiding the whole situation just hoping that she would come out of it ok...2 days later they messaged me on facebook and told me she died...I think it's sad to tell people things in a facebook message but that's how I found out...anyways I had this image of a pic that they posted with her on facebook in my mind obsessivelsy for a whole week and the guilt was tremendous because I just wasn't there...I'm just trying to process all this...I couldn't even be there...and now I think that my sister is pissed at me because I didn't go or take her or be there for her...I felt like I couldnt' even be there for myself...I went into shock and denial so fast before it even happened and I felt stuck like in a trance or something...I already have social anxiety and it's hard to be around people much less be "there" for people...anyways during this writing I felt very tense and anxious but now I'm feeling a little calmer so I'm going to end for right now while I feel like I'm in a good spot.

[sad&lonely]

Sorry to hear of all your losses, I have lost both my parents too and know that anxious can't breath feeling very well.

My mum passed away on the 20th April this year so it is still very raw.

Give yourself time to deal with all your emotions, be kind to yourself.

You are not alone x

[butterflykisses]

Thankyou so much for your kind words. I felt better after posting and now even better after receiving your response. Wow we suffered loss 2 days apart. Im very sorry for your loss as well.

[mydeepestthoughts]

I am so sorry to hear about your lost, and the anxieties that you are feeling...I thought that I would provide you with a link to a website that answers many questions people have about death, and also provides emotional comfort now, and for the future.

http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/questions/

[sad&lonely]

I'm glad it made you feel better, its good to talk, and sometimes talking to people who are not involved/related to your loss can sometimes help too. I find that my close friends and family are also grieving so I am trying to support them whilst craving the support for myself.

Yes, two days apart, its not very long ago so yo mebit still feels unreal, I still think i can call or text then I remember she has gone...

Time, that's all we can rely on to help us get through these emotions

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