Lost my dad to cancer

[Joanna_88]

I lost my father to cancer, 16 weeks ago today (Jan 2015) to brain cancer. He was diagnosed April 2014 and I was with him throughout the whole thing. I took him to doctor's appointments, ER visits, hospitalizations, and I was with him when he took his last breath.

 

It's a Saturday (the day of the week he passed on) so naturally at some point I stop and think of that day. I know it's only been slightly over 3 months, but I'm just sad, and heartbroken. It's a sadness that it always lingering inside of me, and a pain that comes hardest at night. Nights are so hard, especially bedtime. What can I do?

 

The last year has been filled with so many "events" do to my dads illness and the time went by incredibly quickly. It felt like I was always busy, and now life is so different. There aren't any more dr appointments, nobody to take care of(my mom took care of him primarlity, but he lived with me and my husband), nothing to do but to sit and think of him and how much I miss him. Every day is different as far as grieving, some day I'm fine, and other days I'm just not.

 

I just feel like I need to talk to more people that have/are in my situation and know what I'm feeling.

[Everly]

I know, how you feel. I lost my Mom in October, and it's so damn painful.  Some days I am not so bad, but like today, I am full of pain and sadness, and I wonder how the heck I'm going to live forever with this pain, ugggh.  My Mom was 80yo.  She was being treated for a condition and the new medicine caused something that gave her a blood disorder, and that started a whole new mess of blood transfusions, etc..and in October while she was in the hospital, she had a massive stroke.  All I can think about is what she was thinking when she called the nurse and said she was dizzy.  The nurse came in an saw that her mouth was drooping and they rushed her to the ICU etc, etc, but her stroke was massive and she went into a coma a few hours later and never woke up.  I can't stop thinking of how afraid she must have been those moments by herself getting rushed to the ICU, probably wanting to talk to one of her kids, etc  I had just left the hospital 1hr before and just hung up with her 30min before this happened  It haunts me to think she was alone and probably scared.  By the time we got to the hospital we was in the middle of her stroke trying to talk, her eyes weren't focused, it was like watching a train wreck in front of you.  She fell asleep, we thought and we were glad cause she was trying so hard to communicate to us.. and we were glad cause we figured she needed the sleep but she was going into a coma.  We took her home and she passed 7 days later, never woke up.  We could have chosen to keep her on food support, etc.. but what's the point. So we chose hospice and basically starved her which I think is cruel but then so is putting in her home where she is unconscious and for what?  She wouldn't have wanted to live that way.

 

I am 52yo and I am now a mess without my dear Mom.  It's been 7mo and I know people think I should move on but she was my entire life.  I don't want to move on.  Move on to what.  I have a husband who is good, but that doesn't take away from the pain of losing my Mom.

 

I don't have any answers for you cause I am in the same boat.  My life is so dull now.  It used to be full with her phone calls and visits and taking her to the doctor and talking about her medical issues, etc.. my life was a blast with Mom.  Now it's so incredibly dull and painful.

 

I don't have any answers for you but I do know how you feel.  How old was your Dad?

[silverkitties]

Joanna, you have my condolences: even though 7 months have passed since my mom's death on Oct. 4, 2014, a Saturday too. The fact is, I still can't help thinking about her on Saturdays. Especially when it's overcast and raining--just like the day she died.

 

Depending on how close you were to your dad and how much support you get, the intensity and length of time will vary. It was particularly difficult for me since I enjoyed a very close relationship with my mother over the years. She was my best friend, mentor, and confidant throughout my life, all the way from grade school through grad school. Our relationship changed from her mothering of me to my mothering of her during her last year. She had always been a tough bird--everyone marveled at how strong she was at 82. Little did we know she pass away within a year. 

 

When my dad and I returned home after her passing, everything felt a bit surreal. We were still reeling from a shock even though it wasn't really a shock given her stroke. But then after the weekend, it really hit me: seeing all of her meds. All of a sudden, I missed helping her w/ her Depends. Giving her the pills and her shot. Hearing her thank me. It felt strange not going through the usual places--seeing her primary doctor and going to chemo. And to think that all that time we had hope. It also felt strange not shopping for groceries with her, not going to our other usual places. So I can imagine how empty it must feel for you right now, not doing any of these things for your dad. It can feel so final--like the door has shut behind you.

 

My worst time is around sunset. I suspect it's because it's one of the most beautiful times of the day and maybe a little sad too as the skies turn to dusk. Over the years, I've enjoyed occasional sunsets with my mom since she loved that time of day. It didn't matter if it was in the city, overlooking the Empire State Building, or in a relatively rural area, like the back of our house where there are plenty of trees. Now I can share them with no one.

 

It will not be easy. Sometimes grief triggers can upset you for an entire day--such as when I found a receipt for lunch the day mom died  as I was vacuuming. Sometimes a certain smell will evoke memories. Seeing something I bought for either myself or my mother last year can bring back images of the hospital. Or I'll see a dress I wore and remember what my mom said. There are also days which feel so hopeless, especially around anniversaries of certain events. Sometimes you will look back with wistfulness at the days when you thought there was hope. I have been feeling that a lot since the first anniversary of my mom's stroke on April 24th and Mother's day: the fact that the weather has been so similar has made it especially unbearable for me. Yes, I was feeling hope at that very time last year and it was my happiest memory then...

 

But there will be livable days too. There will be days when you feel you can come to terms with the death. Sometimes you will feel better if you think about your dad and the moments you've enjoyed with him--and write about them: at least, that's helped me clear my head.

 

I'm wishing you peace. Please feel free to write: there are many sympathetic eyes and ears here.

[Joanna_88]

Retz62,

I am very sorry to hear about your mother. It must be so difficult to not have gotten the goodbye you thought you would get.

 

My father was originally diagnosed as having a small stroke, but a few weeks after that diagnosis he had the same symptoms and that's when they took a closer look and found a tumor. He had a craniatomy done fathers day weekend 2014 and i was with him for that hospital stay. Shortly after the surgery he started chemo and radiation but it didn't help. It actually made him much much worse, he slowly lost his ability to speak, started with seizures and eventually we lost my dad. My dad was gone by 2014 in Thanksgiving, he was still with us but my dad was gone...his mental state deteriorated so badly that he became like a child. He had such bad anxiety that he couldn't sit still, he couldn't talk, couldn't walk, and just didn't know what was going on. The doctors didn't help much, their only suggestions were Chemo...it was pointless...there wasn't much we could do.

 

We started hospice a couple weeks after New Years when my dad stopped eating. It was only about two weeks until he passed. My mother, me and my sister spent the last week with him bedside. He was asleep/unconscious until the end. Saturday afternoon family came over and we were visitng in the living room. My sister was with him, and he had began to get a bed sore on his ear so she moved his head. A few mintues later she came and got me because his breathing changed. He took his last breath a few minutes later while we held his hand.

 

One thing I have taken from his death though, is to make life matter, to make life count. Some days its so hard to get anything done with the pain in your heart and the sadness. But I try and think of myself as an extension of my dad. He created me, and he may not be here anymore but I am. So i try and get out and see what I can and experience the things he can't anymore. I've taken a couple of trips to the beach, and its hard. I get really sad and cry but I try to enjoy the moments for my dad.

[wright]

I lost my Father just 12 days ago and I'm finding it so hard. He was just 59 and didn't tell me he was going to die although he knew. My children are finding it difficult as they are only 8 and 10, I have been concentrating so hard on helping them deal with the first loss they have experienced that as stupid as it sounds I have only just realised I'm never going to see my Father again.