Thinking about upcoming Mother's Day

[cindyjane]

I want to start by thanking each of you for coming here and sharing what you are going through.  I come here most every day and I draw strength from each of you.

 

With Mother's Day soon approaching I have been feeling heavy hearted in going to the malls and grocery stores and seeing the Mother's Day cards on display.  Also hearing friends and co-workers talking about their plans for Mother's Day.  This gets me really missing my mom more than usual.  What I would give to be able to celebrate that special day with my mom.  

So what I've been doing when the sadness hits, is I reflect on the years and countless wonderful memories that I been blessed with my dear mom.  Gratefully there were many.  I know that some people haven't had their mothers for as long as I have, and for that I am grateful.  Many have lost their mothers at such a young age.  Also, I know there are people out there who didn't have a great relationship with their mothers.  I am also grateful the the relationship that I had with mine.  What I am most grateful for is that I know that my mom is in Heaven with the Lord and that one day, when HE takes me "home" that I will be reunited with both of my parents.  Until then I focus on trying to be the best person that I can be and that means being good to others.  In doing something as simple as letting someone in line at the grocery store go ahead of me ... or greeting the girl at the cashier with a smile and hello ... or holding a door open for someone can really make their day.  My mom was that kind of person and I find that when I try to follow in her footsteps that I am honouring her.

 

I've heard the saying .... "have an attitude of gratitude" when the going gets rough and that is what I try to do and it really does lift the heaviness of my heart.  I hope this helps others whose mom's have been taken "home" to get through the sadness.  We will get through Mother's Day just as we get through every day.  As my dad said after my mom's passing .... "we never get over it, we get on with it."  I love him for sharing that gem of wisdom with me.

 

Stay strong and stay connected to the love and support here.  

Cindy Jane

 

 

[ModKonnie]

Cindy Jane, 

What a nice post! Thanks for sharing our "words of wisdom." You are obviously a strong and loving person. 

 

ModKonnie

[cindyjane]

Thanks for your kind words Konnie.  I draw so much strength from this site and the good people who come here.  We all have something in common ... we've lost someone so important in our lives and connecting with people here sure helps me ... so thanks for keeping this site up and running.   AND a HUGE thanks to all who come here, you are all so much appreciated!

 

Cindy Jane

[silverkitties]

Cindyjane, I am so glad you started this thread--because I had been thinking of one last month. It is amazing how we can draw strength from one another--even if we don't always share the same ideas regarding faith. And yet, who are we to judge? What so many of us seem to share here regardless of race, creed, social background and all else is a profound love for our mothers. Because true love knows no boundaries. We know that our memories of our mothers will last--and that sometimes we love so much that it hurts. But I think it was Tennyson who said it is better to have loved than never to have loved at all. Today, I just want to relive my happiest and most memorable Mother's Day weekend--the one of last year: especially since today's weather is so uncannily similar with alternate periods of sunshine and clouds on a warm day, I can't help but recall it all the more.  (Please skip over this or the next few paragraphs if you don't want to retread familiar territory!) 

 

It was this very time last year--the Saturday before Mother's Day--that I brought my mom home from rehab. Even though she was happy and safe there, and her nurses, assistants, and roommate were all very kind, more than we could ever expect, we still felt much more relieved that she was finally returning: Thursday was the day we were informed she would go home on Saturday; and even then, we spent much of Friday with her, shopping for groceries, and eagerly awaiting the hours to the moment we would pick her up.

 

I'm not an early morning person. But even though I had gone to bed around 2, I still made sure to get up at 7:30 that Saturday to vacuum the house. At 10, we were on the way to her rebab--even though she would not be released for another hour. They ended up delaying the process by another agonizing hour even though my mom was so impatient to leave; who could blame her? I can still remember my dad pushing her in a wheelchair, and my making two trips to get the three vases of flowers and cards she had received over the last two weeks. 

 

After stopping to pick up her meds, we were finally home--at last. Funny how a 20-minute trip could feel too long! She couldn't wait to sit comfortably and I couldn't wait to prepare our lunch, I wanted to make it special, something she would enjoy and we would always remember: lamb with mint sauce, mixed veg, and rice along with a baked salmon that had been marinaded in miso, olive oil, cognac, lemon, and pepper (a dish I had learned from her and with which I wanted to surprise her). We topped it off with a creamy strawberry shortcake. 

 

Then we went to sit in the family room. The silver kitties came out of hiding (they had both been sleeping in her bed, LOL). Charlie, who adores my mom and is ever attached to her, instantly meowed and meowed,licking her hand and arm. "Where have you been? And why were you away for so long? I've missed you so much!" he seemed to say. Georgie, his sister, and the independent one, circled around her feet. They both sat there until my mom decided she wanted to go upstairs for a nap in her bed. That's when I presented her with brand new plush towels, slippers,  and robes (the first was too big for her). She was ecstatic: as usual, she told me i didn't have to, she knew I loved her....and of course, I replied mom, this is the very least I could do. I then put her bath chair in the tub and bathed her with a new sponge and a wild peony and red plum shower gel. That evening,  she would beg me to hurry up and join her for bedtime as I would now be sharing her room to help her. It felt like a return to my childhood days--as well as the days I would visit her when we lived in neighboring cities.

 

The next day, Mother's Day, was a nice and easy one too. We ended up eating leftovers from yesterday since there was so much, but we finally got to watch Saving Mr. Banks before the visiting nurse arrived. 

 

Mom, who knew those two beautiful, blissful days would be our last Mother's Day weekend ever? That it would probably also be my most memorable day? You don't know how I still think of that day whenever it's warm and partly cloudy. You don't know how often I think of you when vacuuming--remembering that morning when I was preparing for your return. You don't know how I always think of you whenever I go to that bathroom we used in the evening. Mom, if it seems that everything reminds me of you, it's also because you've been everything to me: my balm, my rock, my support.

 

At the risk of being maudlin, I'd like to share some music videos.  Although my mom was essentially a classical musician, she did enjoy some pop, with her favorite vocalists being Helen Reddy and Whitney Houston. These songs go out not only to my mother, but to all of you who love and have missed your mothers so much.

 

Here's a video of Whitney's "My love is your love" which she's performing with her daughter, Bobbi Kristina, in Poland 1999: it was written as a song for a lover, but I like how Whitney turns it into a song for her daughter.  The loving relationship between Whitney and her daughter onstage is both cute and moving--even if I regret their tragic story, with one dying in the bathtub, and the other in a coma. 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-S5rARhfAU

 

"If I should die this very day
Don't cry, cause on earth we wasn't meant to stay
And no matter what people say
I'll be waiting for you after judgment day"

 

"I Got You": this video sets the song as a tribute to Whitney and her daughter. Again, it's wonderful and almost comforting to see such love between a mother and daughter--celeb or not. It shows in their eyes.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abu6aDJZT8w&list=RDAbu6aDJZT8w

"I'll hold you up, when you just can't stand
I'll make you fly, when you think that you can't
By my side forever, baby that's the plan
I'll be your everything, I'll be your everything"

 

And of course, there's Helen Reddy and her incomparable "You and me against the world." I couldn't find one where she performs with her daugher ("Tell me again, Mommy"; I love you, Mommy--"I love you too, baby") but here's Helen and Kermit:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfMpVHXSOe4

 

Then there's the mother of all others...Schubert's "Ave Maria," which was performed at my mother's memorial service. I've always wished that my mom could have seen Disney's Fantasia. I'm not in the least religious, but its stunning art and music never fail to move me to tears. I hope you can watch it in its 5:05 entirety as it's simply incomparable

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xXkB-ncF2g

 

 Here's to all our great, departed moms. We've got you all the way. Our love is your love all the way to eternity.

[JeanMihalick]

Thank you! This is my first mother's day without my mom. Miss her so much and the time we spent together. Today just hurts. I agree about going into stores and seeing ads for today. Only reminds me how must I miss her.

Hugs to everyone missing their mom's today.<3

[Trish91]

It was an incredibly tough day for me on Sunday, and my brother even dared to tell me off for not moving on from the daughter status like the adult I am and remaining stuck in it!!! Thank God my husband is supportive and kind. My brother constantly disappoints me, and is so patronizing because he has children & I don't. I felt terrible yesterday. I really missed my mom while my mother in law was able to share with all her children & grandchildren.

I know my mom has passed on to a better life, and it's irreversible, but I'm entitled to missing her & grieving over her for as long as I need to, don't I? Because somebody's died it doesn't mean we stop loving them or being their children. The world isn't kind that's for sure but my own brother isn't either!!!

Anyway I send you all a big virtual hug & I am really sorry all of us are going through this!!!!

[Everly]

horrible day... mother's day... horrible. I haven't that suicidal since right after she passed.

 

I'm glad it's over.  7mo tomorrow she is gone. I do not care for this new life without my Mom.. when my insides aren't screaming with pain, it's boring and dull.  I miss my Mom

[Trish91]

I agree with every word you said Retz, life without my mom doesn't have any purpose, if I'm not sad, I'm terrified, or bored. This kind of life isn't worth living! I feel your pain & I hear you!

[silverkitties]

Trish and Retz,

 

I agree. And what I'm finding somewhat disturbing is that the blues are not shaking off as quickly as I'd like. I don't know if it's because I know that that "anniversary" of the day we discovered my mom's cancer is approaching next month. Or if it's because I have so many vivid memories of our activities last year at this time...eating breakfast together and giving her her meds, dining out on the porch in the afternoon, visits from her therapists, sometimes watching TV together. And then I wonder if every year is going to be the same, just haunted by memories.

 

It stings when there's no one else around. All I have is my father who's been causing even more problems for me these last few months. I am now having sleeping problems because of him....always wondering what will happen next. I was more than happy to serve my mom but I feel furious and frustrated at having to do the same for him.  Everyone I've complained to has said there is nothing they can suggest or do: deal with it. All on top of having such a gaping hole in my heart.

 

The others in my nearby community who are mourning are not all alone: both are widows who have good relationships with their children. They can tell me to "get over it"  but they have no idea what it's like to be alone. No husband, boyfriend, etc. to comfort me. No kids where I can at least see some semblance of my mom and know that I am carrying her on. Work has been a mess--I have no idea what will happen next year.

 

And then I look at my dad and am continually reminded of his neglect and general behavior: how it stressed mom out and ultimately killed her, even though she always tried to deny it.  He helped destroy my career. Even now he continues to think of himself and whenever I address anything he's done, his attitude is "So what? That was past. Get over it." I hate him and I hate his parents, especially his mother whom I've never met because she died early. I was amazed to learn that she was a "teacher." What a terrible teacher if she spoiled her son so much and made him unfit to be a husband and father. No wonder my dad has no sense of responsibility for his wrongdoing. And now I have to sacrifice myself to help him?!