Sudden loss of father, no one to talk to

[tigerfan24]

I lost my dad very suddenly 3 weeks ago. His heart stopped 3 days after a heart-attack, at 57 years old. I am only 23 years old and I don't know anyone who has lost their father (except a select few whose dads were sick prior to death). I have recently moved away from where I grew up, and I have no friends in this new place. My friends from my hometown don't talk to me now, it's like they don't know what to say.. and I don't think they will know where I'm coming from, so I don't know what to say to them either. 

 

I wish that I could find someone who understands the pain and confusion that I am feeling due to the sudden loss of my dad. I don't have money to join a bereavement group, so I am turning to the internet in hopes that someone here will reach out to me. I just want someone to talk to...

[ModKonnie]

Tigerfan24,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. The suddenness of it all has probably left you reeling in shock! You have come to a good place. There are many people here who have lost a beloved parent in a sudden situation. 

 

Are you working again? Taking care of yourself? Healing will be easier if you are easy on any alcohol consumption and caffeine. Try to drink water and get out and about. It will help in the long run. 

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[silverkitties]

Let me add my condolences, Tigerfan--3 weeks can feel very raw, especially with the suddenness of your father's death.

 

The worst part, apart from the loss itself, is a sense of overwhelming loneliness: I know this all too well. I think you've done the right thing coming here. Perhaps you can share some of your memories about your father? I know that has helped me a lot.

 

It is very difficult to find someone to talk to; however, it seems that the vast majority of bereavement hotlines are either for those who've lost a spouse or a child. There are virtually none for adults who've lost their parents; it's as though we're supposed to accept it. Yet, what do you do when you are all alone? If you are single? If you have no kids? If there's no one nearby to comfort you?

 

I would suggest reaching out to anyone who knows your dad well--like one of his relations or close friends. You might also try Good Samaritans: they are great at listening. Perhaps your pastor or minister might be able to help if you belong to a church. I would also suggest calling the hospital and asking if they have a bereavement group.

[tigerfan24]

ModKonnie, I am still in shock. I still can't believe that he's gone. I went back to work a few days after the funeral, and back to school the day after. My dad was a very hard-working man and I KNOW he would want me back out there as soon as possible. It's funny, we were talking at the funeral about how he would have tried to convince me to go to my class the morning of the funeral, saying that I would have enough time to make it back out for the service. =)  I rely on a lot of caffeine as it is, so no change there, but I've only had a few alcoholic drinks since. I am trying to be out and about, but at some point I feel like I'm avoiding what has happened.

 

Silverkitties, first of all, I love the username. Cats are my favorite. I am feeling lonely. I live with my boyfriend but I feel as though he has already pushed it under the rug. He asks why I'm crying when I have an episode, like he has already forgotten. He was VERY supportive in the days after the death and at the funeral and visitation. And I may be needy, but I feel as though its the time after all of that is when we need the most support. Once all the funeral planning is over and our lives aren't consumed by going to the flower shops, meeting with the funeral director, meeting with the pastor, calling all of the friends and family, writing the obituary, picking the poems and whatnot for the memory folder. I think that now that we have nothing to keep our minds busy, that our minds wander and are filled with thoughts. Some thoughts we'd rather not have, some thoughts prick our eyes with tears because they are simply happy memories. 

 

I digress. I think that reaching out to his close friends is a wonderful idea, as I have already done so. I want to fill the void they have because I know I'm so much like my father. His close cousin calls me a few times a week and I send texts to one of his friends every once in a while. But the friend is going through a trying time of his own, as his wife is hospitalized. 

 

What is Good Samaritans?

 

Thank you both for the kind words. =)

[silverkitties]

Hi Tigerfan--glad to find a cat lover; love YOUR handle too (^~^) Silverkitties is for my three shaded silver Persians, two here and a fur angel. 

 

Good Samaritans runs a suicide hotline: I didn't feel suicidal then--which I promptly told them--just very depressed: I had just spoken to a cousin two days earlier and couldn't reach a friend. And somehow, I was too tired to post here or anywhere. Sometimes, one just wants to talk! 

 

I know exactly how you feel as that's how I felt after the memorial service was over. That's when the reality of my mom's passing really sank in--added to the  fact that those whom I thought were friendly began to drift away. It was if they were running away now that everything was over, even though she had died less than months earlier.  Moreover, when the semester ended shortly before Xmas and I was no longer teaching, I felt even more alone. It's only been in the last month or so that I've started to recover somewhat: fewer depressing days and slightly more pleasant ones.

 

I will say though, that writing about my mom here has helped me: and believe it or not, responding to others on this board.  I don't know if I've helped anyone, but replying to others has helped me feel less alone: both in the knowledge that I am far from being the only one who feels as I do, but also in the hopes that maybe someone will feel some comfort.  It may be too early for you to think about the good times you've shared with your dad, but you can begin thinking about all that he's done for you and your special relationship. It also helps to think about what you admired in one another--and how you can continue to build on it. Maybe there's a talent he appreciated in you? Take it all the way. 

 

Best of luck to you, Tigerfan: please come here whenever you want to chat.

[tigerfan24]

Ohhhh, how sweet! I just have regular ol' domestic short-hair tabbies, striped, and all 3 are littermates. I left their brother, who was silver and white, at my parents' when I moved because I knew that my mom and dad would miss him. But the 3 that I have with me are spoiled rotten! And TigerFan is because I'm a baseball fan =P Go Tigers!

 

I agree that writing on here is helping. It's comforting to see posts about people feeling exactly the way that I'm feeling. 

 

I found a recurring meeting near me, for bereavement. But I am a bit scared to go by myself. Partly because I don't like driving to new places, and also because I just don't really like being alone lately. I hope to go to the meeting next week, regardless of my anxiety.

 

Anyway, the cats are calling, must be time for breakfast. =)

 

 

[silverkitties]

Tigerfan, there is no "just" when it comes to cats: ALL are special, regardless of whether they're mixed or pedigreed! My two earliest cats were mixed and were very special too! I got my first silver a year after the second one passed. It was almost by accident: I had been searching the shelters for a longhaired but there were none. I went to a cat show just for fun, and there was one just calling out my name...he ended up being my most attached cat. He would follow me just about everywhere and he always knew when I was going away. I was absolutely devastated when he passed away on December 31, 2007 at the age of 16 and a few months: worst New Year's Eve EVER. My parents loved him too...and so we wound up getting 2 kitties descended from his dad.

 

Sorry for the huge digression: I hope things work out at the bereavement center. There is one at the hospital where my mom died, but I've just not been able to bring myself to go there--partly because I think the doctors were less than helpful. There's part of me that wonders if she could have lived longer had we had more knowledgeable and caring doctors. The fact that they almost seemed to forget that she died--yes, they were calling me to ask why my mom didn't show up for her appointments AFTER HER DEATH--really ticked me off. Not one single sympathy card ever.   

 

Pet your kitties for me! ^~^

[tigerfan24]

Oh I know, they are my babies, nothing "just" about them. =)  I'm so sorry to hear about your kitty... My most attached cat ran away in 2009 and I never knew what came of her. My mom would try to make me feel better by saying that someone probably took her in, but that just made me even more angry, she was MY baby! I could talk about cats for days, so no worries. =)

 

I can understand your reluctance to go there because of their ignorance. Maybe there are others in your area? Also, it's not your burden to bear thinking that you could have prolonged your mother's life. I can't imagine that a hospital would have doctors who weren't knowledgeable in their field, but I am sorry that you felt that they weren't caring. I try not to think about the hospital when I think about my father's death because it can be so easy to pass blame on someone else, and that just makes you bitter. When I catch myself thinking who was the nurse who was trying to resuscitate him I have to stop myself. None of that matters. He is gone and there is nothing that I can or could have knowingly done to stop that from happening. I have been trying to believe that we are part of a greater plan and that he was needed in heaven. Even though I can't imagine anyone needing him more than my family and neighbors do.

 

Oh I will pet them double-time! Pet your little smoosh-faced sweeties for me, too! =D

[silverkitties]

Was your missing cat elderly, Tigerfan? This happened to a friend of mine whose 19-yr-old cat suddenly left the house and never returned even though it was much loved: it is said that when cats know they are about to die, they try to hide. I will say it truly sucked when my cat died on that New Year's Eve: I knew I could not call anyone to cry to the next day. After all, who wants to be a downer on New Year's Day? It was so hard to work from home when I was used to him walking across my keyboard and sitting behind my back.

 

I won't get into my mom's health issues too much here since I've discussed them in my thread and I think NeverBetter's as well; but suffice to say that I thought they should have assigned a GI oncologist to my mom since she had bile duct cancer. I also thought they should have tried a combo drug rather than gemzar alone since so many studies have shown that the former is more effective. In addition, they gave her a med that may have caused her more stress than otherwise, namely Enoxaparin which made her urinate almost uncontrollably. The docs refused to consider an alternative. Lastly, I wonder about the drug dose they gave her at the hospital. Although of course I always try to bear in mind that it's still possible she could have died even if they had done otherwise.  

 

I like to think this has taught me to try another hospital in the area, even though I am more familiar with the other. It turns out this new one where I sent my dad 2 weeks ago is actually ranked higher in the state (I was going to switch my mom there but she died.) At least, my mom will not have died in vain...

 

I would be curious to hear about your meeting with that group: I hope all goes well and that it will begin to make you feel more at peace. I know, 3 weeks is not that long ago, particularly when your dad's loss was so sudden. Perhaps it will make you feel less lonely, which is probably the toughest part.

 

Now it's time to feed my smooshies (actually, they're more of the doll-faced than peke-faced variety!) their evening snack, chicken florentine~